Kellibelli, thank you for the kind words. No, I’m not a parent yet, but I’d like to be. My experience with children has been this; I have 2 younger sisters and looking after them obviously fell on my shoulders as the oldest. I started babysitting other people’s children when I was 11 and continued throughout college, including watching people’s children for a week or 2 at a time when they went out of town. And I was a “governess/nanny” to 3 children after I graduated from college in exchange for room and board since I couldn’t afford to pay rent on my own place.
And believe me when I tell you that I have seen the absolute worst of them. One of the children I cared for (I basically helped raise him from birth until he was 4 or 5 years old), was a living, breathing nightmare. At the age of 7 (I believe it was) he was diagnosed with manic depression and at age 12 with Tourette’s. This child came out of the womb screaming holy terror and didn’t stop for years. Not knowing about the eventual diagnosis, raising him was extremely difficult. Usually when an infant cries, something will comfort him, be it rocking, changing dirty diapers, putting them in a stroller, cuddling them, singing to them. With Noah, absolutely nothing would make him stop wailing at decibels that could crack windows miles away - for hours at a time.
Your child ran up and down the halls knocking on doors; this child ran out into the middle of the street and layed down in the HOPES that a car would run over him. Your child poked a hole in your television set; this child grabbed a large pair of scissors and attempted to stab himself in the chest. He was constantly rocking or running around or talking. Yammering, yammering, yammering incessantly. He was not an easy child to raise, or even to love at times.
But love him we did (and do). But with that love, amidst all the turmoil and frustration, the most important thing he needed (outside of medication, which is unique in his case, I admit) was DISCIPLINE. He could not always control himself, and we understood that and made certain allowances, but never to the detriment of his well being or the family unit. Children absolutely MUST learn that there are swift and oftentimes severe consequences to their actions.
And I wasn’t a perfect kid growing up either. I did some stupid stuff. But never with malicious intent to do harm (either to persons or things). I remember one Sunday morning, shortly before dawn, I got up before anyone else did. I poured myself a glass of milk and went into the living room. As I stood there looking at the fish tank, I began to wonder if fish ever got bored having only water to drink. So I gave them my milk. HAHAHAHAHA - it’s funny now in retrospect. It wasn’t so funny back then.
But I IMMEDIATELY knew that I had done a bad thing and I ran into my parents’ room and woke my mother and told her what I’d done. She somehow managed to find all the fish and scoop them into pots of water and then clean the tank. Having almost killed my fish, I knew never to do that again.
And therein lies the problem as I read it with Dave’s children (and the NON problem with yours). Dave’s children aren’t learning anything. They keep repeating the same bad behaviour over and over and over again. And it seems to me as though they’re doing it with evil little smirks on their faces.
The difference between you and Dave is that you DO make rules and you DO impose consequences. As a result, although you had to endure some pretty rough years getting there, your children learned proper and appropriate behaviour. Your children will never grow up to be criminals just because they were a bit rambunctious. Dave’s children just MIGHT. They are CERTAINLY showing early signs of the types of behaviour that leads to at least misdemeanor crime.
But in addition to needing proper discipline, those children need a healthy outlet for their normal adolescent enthusiasm. And amongst all the things I could see around that house, I didn’t see one thing that I would classify as something those kids could actually do to harness their energy.
I know the little girl loves her firetruck. But what can you do with a firetruck after you’ve rolled it across the carpet a few times? I guess sit it on a stool and watch television. These children are BORED. That’s his biggest problem.
I would almost bet that if they had a paint set and easel, or they allowed them one wall that they could create whatever they wanted on, that if the kids woke up before their parents did, that that’s what they’d choose to do instead of destroying the house. I mean, if you look closely at all those pictures, every single one of them appeared to me as though they were trying to CREATE something. Even the busted up ornaments weren’t just broken, they were strewn around to make a collage of sorts on the kitchen floor. It looked PRETTY to them! So did the flour and the drawing on the wall.
Parents have to pay attention to their children, because everything they do tells them something about what will interest their child. I’d say these kids have the potential to grow up to be artists, writers or musicians. At this rate, all they’re likely to grow up to be is thugs. Or struggling artists, writer or musicians who just don’t understand why they can’t get or keep a job and no one wants to date or marry them.
And that just makes me sad for them and mad at their parents. They don’t even recognize the gifts their children have been blessed with.
I don’t know how old your children are now, but I wish you all the best with them. I can tell that they have a mother who works hard at providing them with heaps of love balanced with the discipline they need to become healthy adults. I wish the same for Dave and his family - I just don’t hold out much hope that they’ll have that.
I’ve rambled on here long enough, so I’ll shut my trap now.
Shalom,
Shayna
“How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.” - Anne Frank