Good luck, man. I HAVE felt similar pain in situations similar enough, and I HAVE dealt with depression. Trust me when I say this: mtgman is exactly right–you are wise to listen to him. Deal with the depression first. Crush it like the soul-killing little bitch it is, and find whatever tools or drugs or counseling you need to get your life where YOU are comfortable with it being.
ETA: Don’t think about this best revenge stuff yet. That might be a comfort later, but until you get the depression under control, this is about you and your relationship with yourself. The ex-fiance is just not really relevant to what you need to be doing now, I think.
Blaster Master, you have my sympathies. While every situation is different, I have had a similar experience, and I know it’s hard. The suggestion Mtgman gave for the ring is perfect. I was going say to wait at least a year before making any decision about it. Give it to your Mom for safekeeping. Give yourself whatever help you feel you need. I know we are a fairly anonymous Internet Community, but we do care about you. Good wishes and hugs are being sent to you now through the miracle of cyberspace.
I’m so sorry; what an awful break-up to endure. Take care of yourself, please do see a counselor and deal with your depression. Won’t it be nice to feel like you again? Don’t project in the future; it’ll be there when you’re ready for it.
I wish you all the best in dealing with the situation. Like the others have said, deal with the depression first before anything else. Get that in order and then the rest will start to follow.
If you need some mindless chatter any night to keep your spirits up, feel free to IM me if I’m online. I can even handle Mafia Maths
Yep. Hell, I know of someone whose husband bailed out on her after she had been diagnosed with terminal cancer. Some people are just along for the ride until the road gets bumpy (whether they realize that consciously or not). Some people just don’t have the strength of character or sense of loyalty to deal with it when their loved one is going through a hard time and it stops being fun…and getting married doesn’t change that.
In a way, you’re lucky that you found out what kind of character and loyalty this gal possesses before you ended up in a messy divorce.
One thing I’ve found is that every heartbreak I’ve had has helped me learn a lesson that helped me make a better choice the next time around. I’m sure someday you’ll meet a girl who will be worthy of a beautiful ring from you, and won’t leave when the “worse” part of “for better or worse” comes around.
The idea behind giving the ring to your mom is simple. Put the barrier of a person who knows you, whom you love, and who loves you, between you and whatever feelings the ring may evoke. No chance of a night of too much to drink and then seeing it to trigger an angry reaction. No chance of making a shrine around it and sinking deeper into depression by staring at it all day. If you want to do any of that stuff you have to go through your mom to get to it and do it. I’m hoping she would intervene if you came over drunk and angry, or sullen and depressed. In any event you coming back for it would almost certainly trigger some probing questions which would divert a self-destructive mood. Hopefully you have a strong enough relationship with her to respect her opinions and respond to an intervention if she believes you are seeking the ring for self destructive purposes.
As for the rest, have you followed up yet? You said you’d call today. Did you? Putting that off is a symptom of depression. It’s part of what makes it such an insidious disease to fight. You have to get on top of it and stay on top of it. If you didn’t call today, don’t let it happen again tomorrow! Make it a priority and set an appointment, don’t just call to ask for rates or something. Don’t let go of this until you’ve got a firm committment. You can’t trust yourself to follow up, you have to make it happen now or the depression will sap your will. No day but today.
When she wasn’t hurling large blunt objects at my head, and I wasn’t screaming at her to get the fuck out of my life, it was the ring. That ring went back and forth so many times I cannot even count.
One time I got a box in the mail and when I opened it up I found a nice delicate ring case. What was in the ring case? I didn’t know. If I didn’t open it up and actually look inside then I couldn’t know for sure that she was actually sending the ring back. I deal in denial so this seemed like a good solution.
One day weeks later with the ring box on my desk I accidentally knocked it over, and lived that half of a second as it fell for an entire day in horror as I watched it. I was relieved when it didn’t open after striking the ground. Just to make sure this wouldn’t happen again I took the precaution of wrapping the entire box in five layers of duct tape.
Now I would be safe, or was I? Here was the problem, every now and then I would be at my desk, or even in bed trying to sleep and out of the corner of my eye I would see the box move. Not a lot, not a jump, but the damned thing definately did move. But it couldn’t have moved, I’d rationalize, though I really never did see what was inside.
This went on for weeks. Out of nowhere and at random times it would catch my attention like this. A twang of memory, and a defeat of my denial. The box was a reminder for me, and kept making me think about things I was trying to ignore. And it essentially kept me tremendously depressed when I should have been trying to accept what had happened and work towards moving on.
So basically you’ve gotten some very good advice in this thread **BlaM ** from everybody. I read your whole OP and I sympathize, ::hugs and all :: . Get rid of the ring, whether you give it to your Mom or simply get rid of it for good. Do not put yourself in the position of dwelling on it.
And let us know how you’re doing with this every now and then.
For those following this story… I VERY much appreciate the advice and support. I took Mtgman’s advice and took the ring (in the case) to my mom and asked her to hold onto it. She knew exactly what I was doing, I think.
I’ve also made an appointment with an old trusted therapist I had use to see some ten years or so ago. I think a few visits with him will do me some good.
Of course, it’s funny that I keep hearing more parts of the story I didn’t know (eg, I’m the only one of the two of us that needs therapy :dubious:
I am left with something else that occurred to me today… when we had the engagement party, several guests brought rather nice gifts, all of which she now presently has. I would feel kind of bad keeping them at all, as we’re not getting married, and bad letting her keep them, not because I want to take them back, but because it seems unequitable that should she maintain more than her fair share of the collective stuff from our relationship. I’m not particularly attached to any of the gifts although, interestingly enough, they were all given by guests I invited. There’s a few other similar items, not that I think about it, like money I’d technically loaned her and she said she’d pay back, but I didn’t care about because we were suppose to get married.
Anyway, obviously, I don’t want to be a complete jerk about any of it, but I also want it to be equitable and make it clear that I’m doing my part to straighten my own life out and, if this is how it’s going to be, that I’m making whatever steps to unweave our lives. I, obviously, have zero experience with this sort of thing, certainly in this context. Any thoughts would be helpful.
It hasn’t quite been like that for me… I almost didn’t even want to open the FedEx box, actually; I just wanted to throw it through the window, and it was quite rough when I did open it. I lingered over the ring for a while (this was Monday, mind you). I think it helped that I was rather angry, though, so it was difficult to lament over it like that.
Either way, it WAS surprisingly easy to give it to my mom (though, not so easy to pick it up, and know it was in my pocket until that moment). But, had I not, though it wouldn’t have been like that, I very well may have done something similar.
Of course, it’s funny that I keep hearing more parts of the story I didn’t know (eg, I’m the only one of the two of us that needs therapy :dubious: and she wanted to go live with a [male] friend in Chicago–who is engaged IIRC ).
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Unless you need the money to live, I’d say just be the bigger person and move on. If it’s bothering you, talk with your counselor about it. I’d just walk away because the division of assets or the calling in of said “loans” would become opportunities for bitterness, frustration, or just general strife that you don’t need right now. Unless you need the money or some of that stuff to accomplish your goal of straightening your life out, then let it go.
I’m glad you’ve made a committment to therapy, and I’m glad to hear your mom seems to understand.
I’d suggest you not let various parts of the story you’re just now hearing rankle. In fact, here’s a technique which may help you put them out of your mind. Take a small notebook and pen around with you. Whenever you hear/remember/feel something you think you may react badly to, like a “he’s the one who needs therapy” comment, write it down, tear the page out and mail it to yourself. Commit that comment, and the reaction, to the paper and put it out of your mind knowing you’ll deal with it after it comes back to you. When it arrives, set it aside. Then take all the letters with you to your therapist for your next session. Make it a mailbag type thing. Then you can have the benefit of professional advice as you react to the comments. This does two things, firstly it is a proactive action you can take instead of just sitting in shocked silence when you hear something like this. Once that action is taken it becomes easier to say “Ok, I’ve dealt with it in a way I know will be good and I don’t need to think about it until my next session. Now I can get back to focusing on my life instead of living inside my head with this barbed comment rattling around for company.” Secondly it captures exactly what you heard so you don’t dwell on it and morph it into your own little interpretation of things. People who tend to dwell on things usually end up distorting those things through excessive brooding and focusing on the negatives. In my experience many of the comments which get brooded over the most were innocous comments which were replayed in the brooder’s head over and over, each time through a lens of negative emotion until they lose all their original context and meaning and become steps on the downward spiral staircase. Having the exact comment or feeling committed to paper, and having a counselor on hand when you face it, helps provide the perspective people suffering from depression often lack.
).