And the crackers will rise up against the honkies: or, Beck calls Gingrich supporters "racist"

[Duke]

Now of course we haven’t even reached the first official GOP caucus/primary/shindig/taffy pull this election season, and we’ve already been through the rabbit hole so many times the rabbit done died. Personally I’ve already forgotten which pizza CEO wore the Brokeback Mountain jacket while insisting it was unethical forcing rich folks toupee their taxes. But remember, this time of year is all about giving, and the Republican debate train has given us so many laughs so far, so let’s all pause for a moment to thank Glenn Beck for one of the wackiest moments yet. Yes, I know there has been so much wackiness already, but bear with me on this one.

As you’ll recall, Glenn Beck is nuts. Sheer, unadulterated nuts. This is not a conservative vs. liberal thing anymore, this is a moon-hoaxer vs. Bad Astronomer type thing. Beck even makes conservatives give that look like the one you give your co-worker when they start talking about 9/11 conspiracies: “…how did I ever think this guy was sane?”

So, apparently, Newt Gingrich is one of the two front-runners in the GOP “race”. I call it that because we all know it’s coming down to “Mitt Romney vs. somebody with less money”, and all that changes is the identity of person #2. But for some reason, the thought of Newt being person #2 has made Glenn Beck completely flip his shit. The problem is, you see, Gingrich is a PROGRESSIVE.

“You look at his record, you read his words… see what he believes.” If they do, he claimed, they would see “this man is a progressive, he knows he is a progressive.”

Uh, ok…let’s see…Newt has advocated repeal of child-labor laws, rewarding high-school girls who graduate as virgins (I am not making this up! Look under "Newt Gingrich On Families and Children!), and thinks Obama is a socialist (with the thoughtful, statesmanlike quote, “Sure, of course he is (a socialist)”. PROGRESSIVE AS PROGRESSO SOUP, everybody! Read 'em and weep!

Well if Gingrich is a progressive, what does that mean about people who support him? Let’s see: Obama is obviously a progressive, because Beck couldn’t think of any other epithet with more syllables than that. Now you take that, and you don’t come up with this, because your brain isn’t irrevocably scrambled, Glenn Beck comes up with:

“So if you’ve got a big government progressive or a big government progressive in Obama, one in Newt Gingrich, one in Obama, ask yourself this Tea Party: Is it about Obama’s race? Because that’s what it appears to be to me. If you’re against him but you’re for this guy, it must be about race. It’s the policies that matter.”

OK gotcha. If you’re in the Tea Party, and you’re going to vote for a progressive candidate, you might as well vote for the black guy, because otherwise it would be racist to vote for the white guy, who is just as bad, but at least you’re not being racist, OK?

Say, isn’t that Mitt Romney over there with his hands in his pockets and whistling? Just how much did it cost you to buy off Coulter, Savage, and Beck, Mitt? Hope you get your money’s worth from those goofballs.

[drewtwo99]

Bahaha. Oh Beck. I almost forgot about you! Was he crying when he was speaking about all this? Did he refer to Newt being a Nazi? Good Ol’ Beck. He made me respect O’Reilly SO much when he came onto the scene.

[Ca3799]

I wonder if it feels weird to have your brain all tied up in pretzel-like knots like that…

[Damuri_Ajashi]

@drewtwo99

Bahaha. Oh Beck. I almost forgot about you! Was he crying when he was speaking about all this? Did he refer to Newt being a Nazi? Good Ol’ Beck. He made me respect O’Reilly SO much when he came onto the scene.

Yeah its kind of how Bachman, Perry and Cain have made Newt look absolutely moderate.

[Little_Nemo]

It’s not just Beck. Anne Coulter and Michael Savage have been also attacking Gingrich this week. Romney has somehow become the in-choice among the right-wing fringe.

[MsRobyn]

@drewtwo99

Bahaha. Oh Beck. I almost forgot about you! Was he crying when he was speaking about all this? Did he refer to Newt being a Nazi? Good Ol’ Beck. He made me respect O’Reilly SO much when he came onto the scene.

Bonus points if he was wearing a Christmas sweater when he had his latest brain fart.

[wonky]

@Duke

Uh, ok…let’s see…Newt has advocated repeal of child-labor laws, rewarding high-school girls who graduate as virgins (I am not making this up! Look under "Newt Gingrich On Families and Children!)

But not the boys, which makes sense since I think he married his high school teacher.

(Makes you wonder what “reward” he has in mind, doesn’t it? Ew.)