Most people don’t tell until the second trimester, simply because it’s so common to lose a child during the first - hell, I was five when my parents told me I was getting a little sibling and my reaction was “ok”, with inner thoughts of “yeah right, we’ll see that when we see that, I’ve seen too many of my classmates’ little sibs not arrive!”. The opening post mentions the trisomy test: if a positive on the trisomy test will mean an abortion, then you don’t tell until and unless you’ve got a negative, unless you’re very, very sure (which is not the case) that the people you’re telling will be supportive no matter what.
Best wishes for the rabbit family.
Good advice so far. Due dates are really not set in stone. Having your parents cancel their plans for something that “might” happen on the wedding weekend (what if she miscarries between now and then? What if the baby is early/late by a day or 2?) would cause your mother to bitch up yet *another *storm (“You made me miss Mitch’s wedding for nothing, I can’t believe how inconsiderate you are!”).
Best way to avoid that is keep mum for as long as you can. You won’t be able to hide your wife’s pregnancy once she starts showing, but until then, I’d let it ride.
Talk to your wife though. It’s really IMO more up to her than you–she’s the one squeezing a 10 pound bundle out, you’re just along for the ride. 
And my guess is that you don’t know who I do or have known or if I was married to someone who had fertility and/or miscarriage issues. Surprisingly, being up front and honest worked out better than any other option.
Last month, one of my best friends called to let me know that he and his wife were going to have a baby. Unbeknownst to me, they’d been trying for a while. (His job requires him to travel for extended periods at a time, and he’d never expressed any firm desire to have kids at this point in his life, so I didn’t have any idea.)
They had known for a while, but, given previous complications, they were hesitant to make it public knowledge. He said he wanted to call and tell me personally, because he knew I’d be upset if I found out when they announced it on Facebook and through other means.
I called his mother later in the week to congratulate her, and she told me there was more to the story - numerous complications, fertility tests, etc. She told me it’d been a real drain on the entire family, because it’d been a roller coaster, emotionally speaking.
They announced it the next week, to a slew of congratulations and well-wishes. I got a call from him that Sunday night. He was at the hospital and wanted to tell me that they lost the baby.
Suddenly, they had to tell all the people who were so happy for them that she had miscarried and they had to relive the loss numerous times over, as each person expressed condolences.
Years before, two friends were having fertility issues to the point where the wife underwent in vitro fertilization. Being prospective new parents, they immediately announced it when it was discovered that three eggs stuck to the wall. The next few months were emotional, as there would be updates as she eventually lost two of the eggs. Luckily, one made it all the way, but when I spoke with him years later, he says that, if they had to do it all over again, they wouldn’t have announced the number of eggs or possibly not said anything at all until much later.
I agree that there’s really no “perfect time” to announce pregnancy, as complications can always arise, but I think there’s a lot of grief that can be saved by waiting a while before making it public knowledge.
I’ve never mentioned “making it public knowledge” nor do I suggest that. I simply said tell the grandmother to be when the due date is and leave it up to her on what to do, stay for the birth, or go to the wedding. That was the extent of my advice.
Done that. Lost the baby. Never doing that again.
But it does depend. I did tell people I could trust to be cautiously happy and to understand that I couldn’t be happy about it yet until the testing came back, etc.
Don’t you just love family?
Maybe the best thing is to sit your mom down and tell her two things:
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We’re pregnant and it’s very early, so we’re not announcing this yet. Only letting you know so you can plan accordingly. Do NOT under any circumstances tell anyone until we make the announcement public. And we totally understand if you want to go to the wedding.
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We were really upset with the way you reacted last time when my wife miscarried, and in the sad case that she miscarries again, please have more respect for us than to chastise us in our period of grief. We hope we can get your support, but it would be better if you said nothing than to react the way you did before.
But… I like the idea of telling them he baby is due the week after the wedding. That way they can go, and if the baby comes “early”, well who’s to blame? The only thing is that you’ll then have to make sure that’s always your story to everyone.
My mom is the type that will insist until the end of time that the timing of the email was pure coincidence and she never meant for me to interpret it as a guilt trip. A rational, honest conversation about it is probably out of the question.
Anyway, we had an appointment yesterday. We got to hear what sounds like somebody repeatedly flushing a toilet into a CB radio, which the doc assures us is a heart beat, and got the blood draw for the Harmony tests.
We’re going to continue to be cagy for a couple of weeks; at least until we get the Harmony results. When we finally break the news, we’re going to insist that they not cancel any plans.
Thanks for the good vibes and well wishes everybody.
I’m getting the sense that manson1972 is of the type who think, “Well, this hasn’t been a problem for me, so I can’t possibly understand that it would be a problem for someone else.”
Lucky you. Its rare to feel that way in my experience. Most people I know choose not to share after the first miscarriage (and often even with the first pregnancy having watched others go through the pain of miscarriage) - either because sharing and then miscarrying incurs blame (what did you do to lose the child) or is painful for other people (who share your mourning, but then go through pain they could be blind to). There is also the problem that many people have friends and relatives who can’t keep their mouths shut. So sharing with your mother turns into sharing with your great aunt Alma, who then doesn’t get word you miscarried and wants to see the baby she thinks you should have at Christmas.
It may have been on this board that we had the bride who got engaged, told one friend, and by the time she got home, had a Facebook wall of congratulations. It may have not been here, we don’t tend to have that sort of brides - but whomever it was was quite pissed, they were denied the ability to share the news - they weren’t intended people to find out on Facebook, and worse, their own mother found out on Facebook before she had the chance to call her, causing all sorts of strife.
In this day and age telling one person with not much of a filter who likes to share something IS making it public.
I’m getting the sense that you don’t know the difference between understanding and agreeing.
Of course there is going to be a problem, regardless of what is decided upon. My advice was to just be upfront and honest, I’m not sure what is so controversial about that.
This is what I was referring to earlier. There were many, many people in my family who I don’t see frequently and who I didn’t tell of my first pregnancy myself. They all found out anyway - and for months, every time I did see or speak ot one of them , I got “When is the baby due?” or “Lets see a picture of the baby” which kept the pain pretty fresh. The later you tell people, the less time there is for word to get around- there were probably a number of my relatives who didn’t hear about the pregnancy until after it was over.
She sounds like my mother in law:(. Needless to say I avoid her. For your wife’s sake wait to say anything until you are in to your second trimester and even then tell your parents to come see the baby after its born. Your wife will thank you
Because sometimes it doesn’t work. Sometimes being “upfront and honest” causes way more pain than being honest at a later date.
Look, it may have worked for you, and if so, I’m glad. It worked for me and my best friend. It didn’t work for me and some other people, and it didn’t work for some of the other people in this thread. And it doesn’t seem like it’ll work for OP, given what he’s said about his family, which sounds nothing like your family (if you are indeed saying that you were upfront about a similar incident with your family, which it’s hard to know from your posts).
OP, good luck on the Harmony and other tests!
Well, first off, I thought this was a “give an opinion to the OP” thread and NOT a “let’s denounce other opinions that we don’t agree with because we find it easier to lie to people instead of telling the truth” thread.
Second, I would hazard a guess that being upfront and honest about situations works better than any other plan 99% of the time in the long run.
And, yes, I’ve had some of the situations mentioned in other posts happen in my family, and not once did we lie, or make cover stories, or some other crap in order to avoid being up front and honest about our situation just because it seemed easier at the time.
For what it’s worth, I’m not offended by manson1972’ perspective, even if I’m not planning on following her advice. The crazy codependency runs deep on that side of the family, and we don’t really have the inclination to participate in it at this juncture.
I hereby withdraw my personal investment in this thread. Feel free to debate it as y’all see fit.
Ok, cool, and good luck black rabbit!
I wasn’t advocating denouncing your opinion – which as I said before has worked for me in certain situations – or lying. But I also don’t think that in cases that involve strong emotions, like this one, that being upfront works 99% of the time. Maybe 50%, depending heavily on the personalities of the people involved. I’ve given you one example where I was upfront and honest and it worked out in a way where I wished I had waited until later. And another example where I was upfront and honest and it worked out fine. Eh.
Also, I’m not sure how being vague about one’s reasons for doing something and giving more details later equates to lying. I mean, yes, maybe it’s not totally upfront. But there are lots of things, not just reproduction-related, where people don’t necessarily need to know every single detail of my life.
(For what it’s worth, I’m not offended by your perspective either. Though I happen not to fully agree with it. 
I’m also really glad that your family seems to be calm and rational about stuff! I’m lucky to have friends and some family who are calm and rational, and it’s really great to tell them stuff and they are warm and supportive and it works out well for us.)
Good luck, hugs, and congrats