My three cats are the most obnoxious sons of bitches in existence. Grey Flop has a habit of constantly being in the way and getting under my feet. Pongo wakes my mom up in the middle of the night. Fluffbutt sits on my bagel and gets cat hair all over it.
What things make you want to make cat soup n’ mittens?
Annoying things that cats do:
1. Breathe.
Dorothy flings herself over my bed pillow like an odalisque. When I try to claim some pillow for my own, she punches me in the snoot.
Lillian gets hungry around 4:00 a.m. She runs into the kitchen and finds the food bowl empty. Then she runs into the bedroom and meows at me. Then she runs BACK into the kitchen to see if her meowing at me has caused food to magically appear in the bowl. Repeat till I boot her out of the bedroom and bury my head under my reclaimed pillow.
Tom bangs at any and all closed doors. Particularly late at night. If he’s in the bedroom, he wants to be out. I get up and let him out. Five minutes later, he’s back and wants in again.
He also enjoys sitting in front of my computer monitor.
Wally arranges himself in my bed in a manner calculated to make me as uncomfortable as possible.
One or the other of them coughs up hairballs. Also, Tom eats too quickly when people are over so that he pukes right in front of an entire roomful of people. I’m sure it’s deliberate.
“Also, Tom eats too quickly when people are over so that he pukes right in front of an entire roomful of people. I’m sure it’s deliberate.”
—Ooooh, do your cats ever walk in to a room full of guests, sit down, throw one leg up and start “playing the cello?” Too shy-making.
Chiara is under the mistaken impression that my subwoofer is a scratching post.
She also derives peculiar satisfaction from trying to bring down my framed artwork.
She has stolen my lip balm five times in the past two weeks. My apartment is not large, yet I have never been able to find her hiding place.
Morgaine is fond of sitting on my books as I try to read them. She also enjoys warming herself on my laptop. As I try to use it.
Otherwise my girls can do no wrong.
We have two cats. One is a saint. One is evil. Evil!
His name is Rogue and he hates the other cat. All other cats. He constantly needs to monitor the litter box to make sure that his odor is the only one there. (Fortunately, only cats can seem to smell this struggle). The fact that he keeps scareing the other cat away from the litter box has led her to poop in the bathtub.
I swear, one day I’m gonna take a dump in the litter box myself and show them both who’s really in charge.
Cadmium knows when I wake up and will immediately start frantic yowling for food. When yowling does not produce the desired result of a sprint to the food cabinet, she will hop on the bed and delicately but insistently “comb” my hair with her claws.
In Caddie’s world:
All things are kitty toys. This includes anything placed on a counter (which must be knocked off and batted around), any exposed flesh (which must be raked with claws) and the computer keyboard (which is a landing pad after springing from the scanner).
Most things are kitty food. Anything in a cupboard must be cat food and open cupboards should be investigated immediately. Any can opened must contain tuna and will set off yowling demands, even if I am just opening up a can of coffee. She thoughtfully but disgustingly cleans up spills from my range top as soon as the burners cool enough to get close.
Any standing liquid is a water bowl. This includes a sink full of soapy and dirty dishes, unattended glasses, and, of course, the toilet. Also, anyone sitting on the toilet is the most facinating sight in the world and must be watched intently from a perch on the tub.
Oh yes, I forgot about the toilet. In my house, we keep the toilet cover down at all times. There is only so many times you can fish a cat out of the toilet before you learn that lesson.
The little darlings have learned to walk through the slats of my window blinds. At night. Right by my bed.
If they’re not doing that, they’re waiting for the slightest movement of my feet.
Or trying to eat the fake Easter grass.
I had a cat who would always drink out of our glasses. Until the time we were having gin & tonics…He took one taste and then bolted across the room doing his damnedest to spit his tongue out. He never drank from a glass again.
Miller has decided she can and will dig her way under the bedroom door from the inside. Whenever she’s inside. Consequently, there is a bare patch where carpet used to be. She loves chewing on cardstock type paper…the cover of the phone book, folders, paperback book covers and of course any cards/invitations that I might like to keep. Destroyed.
Raisin doesn’t like the closed doors. No door may be closed in the apartment. No closet door, no bedroom door, no bathroom door or she is compelled to scratch thump scratch thump scratch thump until I am half-mad.
My poor roommate, she doesn’t even like cats, and mine are not changing her mind.
Tequila pounces on my feet whenever they move under the comforter. No matter how slight the movement, it never fails to set him off. Not so bad at 11:00 at night, but at 3:00 in the morning…
Alex starts asking for food–loudly–approximately 2 hours before mealtime. As I’m usually not home that far before dinnertime (except on the weekends), this isn’t much of a problem. However, being awoken at 5:00 in the morning…
Fruitcake is so eager to get his food that he won’t move his head out of the way of the bowl so I can pour the food in. Lately, I’ve taken to physically blocking his access to the bowl with the lid of the canister I keep the food in until I’ve got it poured in.
Cats…:rolleyes:
Look, if someone named you Grey Flop, Pongo, or Fluffbutt you would also make it your life’s mission to be an abnoxious son of a bitch to that person.
Samson --::scratching at door:: meow, meow
Me–It’s cold outside buddy, and you just came in.
Samson–::scratching harder:: MEOW, MEOW
Me–I’m not letting you out, so just stop it.
Samson–::frantically pawing at door:: Rerrowww, Rerrowww
Me–::throwing penny at him:: NO!
Samson–::begins to shred curtain on door:: REEERRROWWWW!
Me–:: opening door:: Well fine then, bugger off!
[sub]* one
two
three…[/sub]*
Samson–::scratching from outside:: Hey let me in, it’s cold out here!
My roommate’s cat Littlefur will run under the bed. I’ll close my door, then she’ll go to the door and mew to get out. Then, the second I get up to open the door, she’ll freak out and dash under the bed again. God I hate that.
My own cat Zazou, on the other hand, is a demon beast from hell.
Let’s see…there’s so much to choose from.
Some minutes after I go to bed Cassidy will curl up over my head and purr LOUDLY. Loud enough to keep me from sleeping so I have to remove her from my head. She waits till I’m mostly asleep and don’t notice her then she’ll crawl back up and start again and wake me up. Nothing will dissuade her from doing this including my attempt to teach her to fly once or twice. If I’m really unlucky the purring when I sleep will wake my wife who swats at the cat. Mind you the cat is on MY head and this tends to startle the cat. I’ve woken to several scratches more than once but this doesn’t seem to disturb my wife.
Our other cat, Halsted, likes playing with running water. I thought it was cute till I was taking a leak one day and looked down to see the kitty swatting at the stream. Now I have to be certaqin the bathroom is clear and the door is shut before I go.
Every once in awhile Cassidy likes to suck on hair (my hair). I’ll wake to a major drool spot on my head.
Walk on the computer keyboard while I’m typing/swat at the mouse cursor on the screen.
Cassidy is our evil cat (Halsted is a sweetie). Cassidy absolutely must lay on anything a guest comes into our house with (usually coats but sometimes purses or luggage). She will defend the coat (or whatever) when the person attempts to recover it usually scaring the hell out of our guest (although she has never actually done any damage thankfully…all bark and no bite so far).
Any closed door must be open.
Any plant counts as food/something to play with.
Oh yeah…almost forgot. If there is more than one guest Cassidy invariably picks the coat of the person with the strongest allergies/greatest dislike for cats. It’s spooky how she manages this.
[ul]
[li]likes to sleep on my head purring loudly, when I show signs of waking he starts licking me[/li][li]uses his expensive carpet covered castle only for climbing purposes and my even more expensive orthapedic chair as a scratching post. Given my seemingly continual claw clipping he does an astounding amount of damage (I probably wouldn’t opt for it even if I could but declawing is illegal in my country)[/li][li]specialises in throwing as much litter as possible out the tiny doorway of his covered litter box[/li][li]brings his toys into bed, rolling on a sparkle ball when half asleep brings tarantulas to dreams[/li][li]considers it his right to lay on his back in my left arm all day leaving me one hand for typing, if he is removed he returns to shoulder and gradually slides down until back in position[/li][li]wishes to play fetch at the most inconvenient moments and if ignored likes nothing better than to drop toys into my coffee mug or drinking glass[/li][li]treats me as his chew toy[/li][li]jumps in my swivel reclining chair whenever I drop to the floor to do back exercises and yowls if I do not spin him around, it is a kitten thrill ride[/li][li]believes my non-dangly earring is a fine target for claws and teeth[/li][li]gets away with all the aforementioned behaviours by being impossibly cute and yes, I do know it is all my fault [/li][/ul]
Revenge will be mine next week, it is neutering time! 
Yes, my cats do all of those things.
However, Big Willy™ has all of those beat.
Cat Nightmares.
Yes, Cat Nightmares. He’ll lie down and sleep next to you, then he’ll chirp in his sleep. If you pet him, his eyes will get all “Bilbo Bagginish” and he’ll hiss at you. Then he’ll relise you aren’t the demon that haunts him purr/headbutt you.
It’s spooky.