From: Bin Laden, Osama
To: Cavemates
Subject: The Cave
Hi guys.
We've all been putting in long hours but we've really come together as a group and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no I in team" as well as the one that says "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly I have a few concerns.
First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign up sheet near the main cave opening.
Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping. Thanks.
Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We're all in this together.
Fourth: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.
Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and Richard.
Love you lots.
Osama
I noticed I’m the only one who signed up for scorpion-sweeping duty. I would like to point out that doing this without a broom presents a bit of a challenge. I mean, I tried sweeping them with my AK-47 on full-auto, but everybody complained. Or at least it looked like they were complaining–my ears were ringing for about 30 minutes after.
Since the scooter was obliterated by the last round of bombs, I guess we don’t have to worry about that one for the time being. Which reminds me, we need funds for more R&D on the scooter suicide bomb project.
Look, I’m all for cleanliness, but really you’ve not been setting a good example here. How can you expect the men to clean their beards when you yourself have had the same nasty bit of goat cheese plastered on your cheek for the past six days? And don’t get me started on the B.O…
Uh… the Cheezits. Um… you know, I think I saw Akbar’s sister poking around down there when she came to visit… In fact, I saw her entire calf when she knelt down to pray that one time, so you know she’s no good. No doubt she is responsible for putting the empty box in my wastebasket where you found it.
I haven’t seen a single American yet. Honestly, I think these patrols are a total waste of time. It would be far better for morale if we had more parties, especially if Green Bay makes the playoffs.
