Another advice-needed thread

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I feel so corny asking for advice, but almost everyone has at this point, and I am starting to feel like a part of this board (another thread I started was mentioned in the pit!), and I don’t know anyone subjective I can ask about this–it’s about my best friend, Tamira. She’s one of my favorite people in the whole wide world, we’ve been close for five years, and I love her to death, but she’s so fucking irresponsible. She dropped out of high school with one semester left and no real excuse. Her justification was “My mom really doesn’t care and I hate school,” but the thing is, she’s smart. Freshman and sophomore year, she made good grades and was in advanced classes and seemed to like school, so I have trouble buying her “I just can’t pay attention, school’s not for me, everything’s too hard” shit, because she’s proved in the past she can do well. I wasn’t too upset at the time, though, because she told me she was going to go to an adult education program and get her degree in less time than she would have if she went to regular high school, and then she’d take some classes at a community college. That was a year ago, and she’s done nothing. Not even gotten her GED (which I’m sure she has the knowledge to get). For awhile during our junior year, she was into acting and theater. She was involved in the drama program at our school, and really wanted to pursure it as a career, and seemed to enjoy it, but has totally given up on it. She sleeps around. Tamira’s not a slut, because she knows the guys she has sex with and cares about them to a degree, but she usually doesn’t have a relationship with them, and nothing really comes of it. She still lives at home, unless one of her boyfriends let her crash at his place for a month. She drinks heavily. At first it was just every once in awhile, but now (or last time i saw her) she was getting drunk three times a week. Sophomore year, we used to smoke weed every once every couple of months, experimenting, but now she does it all the time. Tamira’s starting hanging out with this huge losers. Not losers as in the cute skinny loner Elvis Costello works in a CD store and likes Tim Burton type that I’m attracted to, but older guys who dropped out of college twelve years earlier, work a shitty job at a movie theater, drink more than she does, and generally can’t condone her behavior at all. I left for college last September, and she’s stayed in town, and things have just gotten worse for her I’m sure. But she doesn’t seem to care, or think she’s being stupid and irrepsonsible. Whenever I try to say anything to her, she gets pissed off and yells at me for being judgemental. I’ve been waiting for her to outgrow it, but a couple days ago I started thinking about how I wished something bad, but not too bad, would happen to her (a pregnancy scare, she’d get a curable STD, or get really drunk and hurt herself) just so she know she’d have to wake up and take responsibility for her life. Then I felt really guilty for thinking that and realized I have to do something.
If anyone actually read this all the way through, thanks so much. I don’t know what to do. All of formerly mutual friend have been slowly dropped by her, and the only reason I’m still around is because I make an effort to continue our relationship. If anyone has any suggestion, please tell me. I’m so worried about her.

“I need the biggest seed bell you have. . . no, that’s too big.”–Hans Moleman

2

I have a friend like that and after several attempts to help point his life in some direction that wouldn’t involve asking for spare change, I gave up. My rescuing him from drug houses & hangovers in the middle of the night was getting to be too much. I obviously cared about his life much more than he did, and I finally decided I had tried my best and wasn’t going to expend additional time & money if it wasn’t even going to be superficially appreciated.

I don’t know what the scene is like in fashionable downtown Taylors SC, but here there is ample evidence of what can become of a person who takes the road your friend has chosen (and no, it’s not politics).

Some people just need to hit bottom before they bounce back up, and there’s little you can do about it. Do what you feel you can that is within your power, and hopefully that will grant you a feeling of absolution.

If you think education is expensive, try unemployment.

3

One of my best friends in the whole world did a complete 180 on me. She used to be sweet, funny, smart, beautiful, and religious to a certain degree. Before I moved to a new state she became a vicious, drug addict. The angel I once knew was gone from me, and I don’t even know how or why it happened. It made me sad, but it was clear I couldn’t help her unless she wanted to help herself…
However, I think that if you gather a group of friends and relatives who genuinely care for this girl and plan an intervention. Let her know what she is doing is harmful to herself and to the people around her. Try to get her to contact AA, even if she thinks she’s not an alcohlic. Does she belong to an organized religion? I know most of them provide counseling, or at the very least she could talk to her priest/minister/bishop about her self esteem issues. Normally when people self-destruct it is because of their self-esteem. ALSO, you could get her a doctor’s appointment, she may have the illness depression. It manifests itself in many ways, and can be medicated.
I hope these suggestions help.

“Everybody’s got something to hide except for me and my monkey”-The Beatles

4

There is nothing you can do to try to change or control another person’s lifestyle.

If this gal has more than 2 IQ points, you must assume that her way of living is her choice.

Don’t bother intervention or any of that stuff. It won’t work till the person seeks out help for himself.

Choose another friend to care about, and to care about you.

Then move on, and don’t look back and wonder ‘what if’.

lindsay

5

Actually, lindsay, interventions have been known to work. They have to be handled correctly, though, and having a therapist involved who is qualified and knowledgeable about them is a must.

Not that I am suggesting you should nessecarily be responsible for this, ThisYearsGirl, but you might suggest it to your friend’s parents as an option, if you are close enough to them to bring it up.

And I agree with pepperlandgirl, it sounds possible that your friend may be showing symptoms of depression. Again, though, all you can do is urge her or her parents to seek help.

If she or they won’t, you really have done all you can. At this stage in your life, it’s also important to remember that getting bogged down in someone else’s intractable problems is not something you want to do.

If you have done all you can, and your friend is ignoring your efforts to help, then it really is time to move on.

Drink up, dear. I made it just for you.

sig by WallyM7

6

Okay, your friend sounds like me 6 years ago. I just went through a stage that lasted 2-2 1/2 years. I dropped out of school, slummed around, drank, smoked pot (good god, no) and was an all around bum. My family tried interventions (which, over weed, was laughable-I didn’t drink heavily)and all it did was further alienate me from them.

In due time, however, I went back to school, got am almost finished getting my degree, and work for a remarkably reputable company making more than either of my parents.

Interventions CAN work, but MUCH more effectively on heroin or crack addicts. I seriously doubt marijuana is controlling her choice in lifestyle.

Some people just get fed up with the day to day routine (especially when they are in their teens)and break out of it for awhile. Once we come back, we appreciate the benefits much more.