Need some Advice On How to Help a Cocaine Addict Quit (Wring you around)

Factual Questions
1

Man, me and my wife are friends of a couple that I feel are in bad trouble with coke. His girlfriend especially is way out of control. She does about a 8 ball or more a night for about a year and half now. He informed me she has stayed up for three days now. She says she wants to quit but she is having trouble with the white lie. He on the otherhand does it every once in a while and he doesn’t do it sometimes when she gets it. Which makes feel he is not as addicted as she is. And he is upset with her doing it all the time to.

She has said she was going to check into rehab but has not and I doubt she will. So my question to y’all and wring(cause she has experience with this kinda of stuff) is what can I do or say to help this girl and my friend(because if he doesn’t totally quit she won’t either) to help them get on with their lives.

I have tried everything. Telling her about what she could have bought with the money. How much better she would feel if she didn’t do it. How crappy coming down is so why do it just for the little bit of up. Told her what Steve Tyler said about it. (He(Tyler) btw challenged people if they just quit for four months they would probably not do it again.)

She is really smart(except for this) and could do alot with her life if she would get over this.

Well do y’all have ideas how to help them? And cops are not a option I am not calling the law on anyone especially my friends.

(moderators I know this could be a IMHO but I put it here because I think it is a more serious forum to get quality answers)

2

Well, this is extreme, but to quit opium, I had my family lock me in my room for a week. I had restless feet like you wouldn’t believe. Sleeping wasn’t even an option. I began to think I was cursed…while going through withdrawel, TWA 800 crashed, and the Olympic Park bombing happened. Of course I was up-to-date on these events as I couldn’t sleep.

I suppose just cutting off your supply is the best way to get off it. Keep lots of toilet paper and tissue paper handy. You’ll be leaking out of every hole you have.

3

If she has insureance, rehab is her best bet. If you can find a good one. If she says she wants to check herself in, offer to drive her. The rehab themselves might be able to offer some help on getting her in the door. Failing that, see if you can get her to go to Narcotics anon. For some people, this is a much less permenant thing, so they might go there, knowing that they can leave any time. Again, offer to go with her, if she wants. Don’t be pushy about it, or try to point out the logical reasons she should stop, because it isn’t really about logic. Just try to make her aware of the options, and that you are willing to do anything you can to help. Beyond that, some people have to hit bottom as they say, get to a point where they feel there is no other choice but to get help. If she doesnt want to stop bad enough, you aren’t going to talk her into it.

Good luck.

4

Excellent post, bdgr.

Bill, it’s cool that you have your intentions here, and this is going to sound rough, but – you probably can’t do much. Until she is ready for a change, nothing anyone else does is going to matter.

Once she is ready and willing to get here shit together, here’s where you can really help. Offer her assistance in everything she may need. Cook meals for her. Drive her places. If she feels up to it, have her occupied doing something, ANYTHING…it’s the sitting around and dwelling that can be the worst. bdgr said it, and it’s true – don’t be pushy with anything in your “help” – if she feels she is being pressured into doing this, that’s a good way for her to start using again. Just be supportive, and be a friend.

Good luck to you and her.

5

A couple of things that may be going on - she may not want to quit, she may not think she’s in such bad shape (after all, she undoubtable sees others in worse shape), she may be afraid to quit. Of course, unless she wants to stop, she isn’t going to, unless forced into it (temporarily) by an incarceration.

But she says she wants to go to rehab? (or was that just to appease you?) If so, she **may ** have figured out that at some level she isn’t doing so well. How is she financing this? that level of use is pretty expensive. does she work? is she in danger of loosing her job? or is the boyfriend subsidizing it? are they in danger of loosing their homes? cars? did she used to wear a lot of jewelry, but doesnt’ anymore? gather up as much specific information as you can to present to her (like if she’s been threatened or harmed by anyone, if she’s sold personal property, lost jobs, legal trouble, family trouble etc.)

One method that has some limited success to convince some one to deal with a SA issue is to have a ‘group confrontation’ (Charlie Sheen’s dad apparently did this at one point). this is where people who care about the person (friends, family, co workers if any) come together and meet with them. You should do some research on how to do this properly if you choose this option. The aim isn’t to try and make them feel like a slug, but to not let them avoid seeing how things really are - as in 'no, you aren’t coping - you’ve missed work, you’ve not paid your bills, you needed so and so to bail you out of this situation etc. (check with your local substance abuse treatment centers about that)

If they are willing/wanting to go into treatment, the sooner, the better - Narcotics Anonymous, Alcoholics Anonymous etc while you wait to find that ‘perfect’ in patient or out patient place. Some of these are ‘open’ meetings, which could mean that you could all go together. Those can be very helpful. (for all concerned)

I also tell addicts (who are serious about quitting) to go through ** all** of their stuff and “sterilize it” - remove all paraphenalia, all little scraps of paper with phone numbers on 'em etc.

another question would be the level of involvement of the other person/other friends etc. If there’s a family member or other close friend still doing coke, well, I’m sure you can imagine what the results would be.

I’ll check back to see if you have more info. Hope this helps.

6

Unfortunate situation for all involved, believe me, I know. I am a drunk and a junkie, coke was one of my favorites. Sober now almost 10 years.

First things first- unless she wants to quit more than anything else, she won’t. Coke is a bitch to kick, and it will take everything she’s got (and probably some of what the rest of you have!).

Second- have her SO check out Al-anon. It is not for her, but for those who love her, so they can learn how to deal with the situation more effectively.

Third- 12 step programs have had the most success, so I would encourage you to get a phone number for the local Central Office of AA or NA or CA (in the book) and get a meeting schedule for her, and a “big book”- they will know what you mean.

Fourth- I am a firm believer in at least a detox center, if not the whole rehab program, which usually lasts 2-3 weeks. Medically-supervised detox is much safer and more comfortable, and all the best programs expose patients to a 12 step program while they are there. If nothing else, it will be a safe place for her to kick back and plot her next move.

Fifth- as was stated earlier, there is really very little you can do, except to be understanding of her situation and to not co-sign any of her bullshit. That means, realize she’s an addict who can’t really control it at all, so don’t help in any way. Don’t party with her or help her score, don’t make phone calls to work or excuses for behavior, etc.

Many people on this board are sober, and I hope they will check in. Some go to AA or NA, others have done it through faith with Jesus Christ. However they did it, they are able to make it through each day with no drugs. That is the bottom line, and other sober people are probably this girl’s only chance. Try to get her hooked up with a program in her area, and pray. Where do you guys live?

Wish there was more you could do for her, but there really isn’t. Good luck, just ask if you need anything.

7

*Originally posted by wring *
**A couple of things that may be going on - she may not want to quit, she may not think she’s in such bad shape (after all, she undoubtable sees others in worse shape), she may be afraid to quit. Of course, unless she wants to stop, she isn’t going to, unless forced into it (temporarily) by an incarceration.

I don’t think so because she brought it(going to rehab) up. I mean I even think she went so far as to arrange it and then she said she didn’t want to go because she thinks her boyfriend might mess around her when she is at it.

This is the other problem while he subsidizes a little really not that as much as far I can tell, she has inherited a pretty good chuck change for a life insurance policy. So no she doesn’t work and she lives in my friends house. Btw he is pretty sucessful. And I just hate to see her go through all that money on that shit(I’m sorry for cussing but that is exactly what it is)before she hits rock bottom and snaps.

I will research this and discuss it with some of my friends. The only problem is she has a pretty bad temper. But sounds like a good idea if we do it right.

I know you are right on this. I guess the first thing I need to do is to try to talk my friend that she lives with into TOTALLY stopping not just doing it every once a while like he wants to do it.

Again, thanks for helping.

And everybody else thank for your ideas too. They are good. I’ll keep y’all informed if you want me to.

8

I have to ask. What does your friend do that she can afford an 8 Ball every day?

9

WB, your heart’s in the right place, but you’ve covered yourself with blood and jumped into a shark tank.

First off, the standard “I am not a lawyer/doctor/trained professional” stuff aside, except for the former users you’ve heard from, NO ONE can understand how powerful an addication this can be. And there’s nothing inconsistent about thinking “maybe I should do rehab” while snorting another line.

Secondly, an intervention is pretty much an all or nothing thing. If she’s really ready, then it could be just what she needs to point her in the right direction. If she’s still kidding herself, you face the very real chance that she’ll never speak to any of you again.

Consult with someone who knows this stuff. Get a referal from your doctor or a social worker or something. Put your questions to them and try to get a handle on what you can and can’t do for your friend.

Good luck.

10

Good luck, guy, coke is the toughest to kick. It can be done, but only if the person really, really, really wants to, more than they want just about anything else. Me, I used drugs to live, and lived to use drugs. When every waking moment was a misery, and I finally admitted I was powerless over drugs, I became teachable. I went the 12 step route, and it’s worked, for me at least, for over a decade.

Nothing friends or family could say made much difference, though. Fortunately my wife joined al-anon, and managed to detach herself from my personal hell. She also stopped bailing me out and covering for me, and I had to face the consequences of my own behavior. This was the biggest thing. The more people babied me and covered for me, the worse I was. So don’t loan her money, bail her out, excuse her actions, or rescue her in any way from the consequences of her actions. And it’s ok to express displeasure of her actions. When my friends started to look at me with pity and contempt instead of concern due to my repeated failures to change, more of my denial left me.

Short answer: Detach with love.
Long answer: go to al-anon or nar-anon or coke-anon to learn how to do this

Qadgop

11

I’ll toss in yet another thought for you, Bill.

Many years ago someone close to me developed a raging methamphetamine habit. Over the course of two years he graduated to a 2 gram a day habit. He kind of thought he was holding it together up until near the end. In truth some people close to him were aware that he was out there. Not all, to be sure, as most of the people he was around were as whacked out as he was. They all saw speedbugs - that was normal.

Nevertheless, he reached that moment of self-realization others have mentioned or alluded to wherein he comprehended that he had about one more footstep worth of plank to walk. Several attempts to quit had failed, usually after a buddy/buddette dropped by with some crank to share.

So, he went hermit in his house (a fortuitous circumstance had been the departure of his equally drug-addled roommate who was replaced by a friend’s non-addicted younger brother). He set a goal, and that was to secure employment in another city, any other city. It took about five weeks, during which he had a yet another meth experience. A critical thing to understand is that he had reached a point where the negative effects of the drug had begun to outweigh the euphoric effects. He’d had enough experience to realize that he was going to pay for that rush. The one revisitation he had after a couple of weeks clean just reinforced the feeling of, “I hate what this stuff does to me!”

So he moved to a city where he had no social contacts at all to start a new job. He had very little money, but just enough. Without a TV, he started reading a lot. And, the situation being what it was, he absolutely focussed on his job, and shined in that employment. He’s told me that he essentially spent a year without friends to speak of and then it started getting better. And that lack of social contacts was the key - he didn’t know where to go get some speed in a moment of weakness, and no acquaintance were going to drop by to dose him.

So he, having been without the resources to do enter a rehab program, made a two element plan: 1.) he did a “white-knuckle” detox at home by himself, 2.) he removed himself from the environment - i.e., he ditched all of his friends from meth world and went to where they couldn’t find him and he couldn’t find them.

That was twenty years ago and he’s doing fine. I think another part of it all was that he had a whole new world to confront and learn about, which occupied the formerly 250-mph-in-neutral mind. And, being focussed on the new job, accomplishments began to accrue.

As many have noted, a junkie can (and they often do) come up for air, but that usually only happens when they reach that point of, whatever, epiphany or some such; I can’t offer much as to how you get them there but a key thought my pal had was that the upside was just no longer worth the downside. The key I see in his plan was the removal of himself from the environment. Move to another city.

This is all offered as an alternative approach that has one key ingredient (removal from the environment). Other elements are the same, primarily the addict’s realization that it is time for change. My older sister and my younger brother have been in AA for 19 and 17 years respectively - the 12 step approach has definitely worked for them (and their spouses, I might add). So this is just one more approach.

I will note, though, that the aforementioned interventions are tricky business, at best.

Good luck to your friends, Wildest Bill