Best way to prevent a friend from using drugs? (long)

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’ve been a lurker on this board for over a year now and find it very entertaining and informative, but I hate to have this as my first post. First a little background info (skip if you just want to read the question)…

I moved to this town over two years ago and through the youth group at the church that I attend I have met many people. Some are friends, some are aquaintances. The girl that this post deals with was more of an aquaintance until recently. We have always been friendly and flirted with each other, but one of her friends started working where I do and she has started hanging around a lot and I now consider her a friend. When I first met her she was active in after-school activities and ran around with other girls like that, but when I found out that she was friends with my coworker, I started asking other people questions about her. The reason I started asking is because her friend uses drugs, heavily I’m told. The information that I discovered was that in April she was found with marijuana at school. She also no longer hangs around with the people she used to and is no longer active in after-school activities. She is on probation until December and must be in her house by ten on weekdays and eleven on weekends and must take weekly drug tests. She has been completely drug free since she started taking the drug tests and follows her curfew strictly. Why am I concerned? She still runs around with the same drug-using friends and not only do they still do drugs heavily, but they have started to move on to other drugs. I have no doubt that if she had not been caught that she would be using these harder drugs too.

My question is how do I try to prevent her from going back to drugs? If noone does anything then there is no doubt in my mind that she will start right up again when her probation is over and she will start on the harder stuff that her friends use. I have talked to one of my friends who is also friends with her and is as much against drugs as I am. We both refuse to associate with drugs and will not be around anyone who does. Our problem is that we either have to quit associating with her or we have to help her. I know her probation is over in December and that is a long way off, but I figure the earlier I start, the better. I’m thinking of proposing to my friend that the three of us ride around and talk like we do everyonce in a while. We’ll go on a longer ride and me and my friend will eventually get on the topic of drugs. She will no doubt state her position and we will state our positions and how we formed them and how we are very concerned with her and care for her and so on. We would tell her that we will help her anyway that it takes to keep her clean. My only problem with this is that she may get mad, feeling we are judging her or trying to tell her what to do or something, and she will no longer like us, resulting in a lost friendship. I feel it is worth risking a friendship to help a friend, but would like to know your opinions. Is my idea good or bad, or would you suggest I do something different or even just mind my own business? Any and all opinions will be greatly appreciated and if I left something important out, ask quesitons, becuase I genuinely want to help her.

2

Just tell her your opinion of drug use but try not to be too judgemental. There’s nothing inherently wrong with drug use in my opinion, but if a friend told me in a polite way that they thought it was dangerous or wrong for me to use them, I would try to have a discussion with them to explain why I believe otherwise. YOu probably won’t get her to stop, but she’ll know more about you and possibly vice-versa, and it may color her decisions somewhat.

If you want to be a REAL friend, mention to her that some harder drugs (like cocaine) are out of your system in a couple of days, so if she still wants to get high and knows what day her testing falls on, she can still do it!

3

As a recovering addict I can tell you…

there is nothing you can do to prevent anyone from using anything they want to use. You do not have that kind of power.

All you can do is be honest about how you feel, and offer to help if she wants to stay clean(and refuse to help if she wants to get loaded).

4

You might try taking her to one of those “meetings” that support groups have for recovering alcoholics/drug users. They also have them for friends/relatives of drug users. They most certainly aren’t for users only, since they tend to affect others in numerous ways not always evident at first glance.

One of the toughest things someone can do is watch someone they love spiral down into severe substance abuse. It’s awful. And, it often drives that person into substance abuse as well. Insidious, ain’t it? “Dad drinks so much, I need a drink.” It happens.

Anyway, listening to other peoples stories can help. You can’t stop her, that’s exactly right. But maybe you can show her there’s other ways to deal with life other than anesthesizing her brain. It might help her down the road.

.02

5

Badtz, I dunno. I don’t think any of my friends would help me find a way to snort a powder up my nose that would dry out my nasal passages thus giving me nose bleeds with the added bonus of being bad for my heart.

But maybe you were kidding. Or maybe you don’t like your friends.

6

I have to agree with spooje we all can’t be morality monitors. Using pot isn’t dangerous for everyone & if we all forced our moral ideology on each other the world would become a tangled mess.

7

I’m with spooje on this too. You can’t convince someone to stop doing something that some part of them still wants or needs to do. It doesn’t work. You’ll only get frustrated and the other person will likely end up pushing you away. It’s a terrible thing to watch your friends sink into hardcore drug use. I’ve witnessed more of that than I care to remember. You want to be a friend to this girl? Be a friend. That means listening to her when she needs to talk, not giving advice unless she asks for it, hanging out with her doing un-drug-related things (it’ll give her some distance from the crowd she’s in and you won’t have to preach) and basically being a kind, caring, generous person.
Try to understand her, not save her from herself.

On the other hand, a little marijuana certainly isn’t the end of the world, IMHO.

8

The only way I can think of is to be the sort of person that they respect, a role model where your opinions have some relevance to them.

This means being trustworthy, reliable, caring, supporting but never judgemental.

Ultimately it is their decision but things like shared interests and experiences plus a circle of friends who can take or leave drugs and make no big issue out of them helps.

It would be a good idea to educate yourself about drugs, just don’t try to make statements about drugs that are outside your knowledge or credibility may be irrepairably damaged.

Above all, know when to walk away from a situation or argument, there is only so much you can do.

9

As my handle suggests (to those in the know, anyway) I share spooje’s experience, and I also share spooje’s views. Drug addiction / alchoholism is pretty powerful stuff, I won’t tell you what I did or the advice I failed to heed, but one old saying among recovering alcoholics “you can always tell a drunk, but you can’t tell him much” really sums it up.

Views vary, but you might try a non-judgmental, loving heart to heart, with plenty of support and perhaps even a pamphlet on a 12 step program. Maybe you even put your friend in touch with a recovering addict.

But expect to be shunned thereafter. And watch the person sink deeper. The success ratios are quite low, it’s a sad fact of the game.

As for me, I was ready when I was ready and had reached whatever bottom I had to reach, nothing the sates of CO, NY and CT could say or do (they all tried, including putting me in jail, court-ordered rehab, etc.), my parents (tried as well, but they also stuck by me but refused to enable me), experts or loved ones, although I have to admit a single, offhand comment from an old friend and drinking buddy, about how I always seemed to be drunk every time he saw me, really stuck in my mind. Did I stop because of it? No way. But I remembered it.

If this person wants to converse with me, post a link, it is my obligation to be there for him/her as others were for me. Good luck

10

The DOs and DON’Ts of dealing with drug-addled friends.

DON’T bug her. Don’t tell her things she already knows, like how dangerous drugs are, health issues, financial issues, whatever. She knows. If she doesn’t know, hearing it constantly from you still isn’t going to make her situation any better.

DON’T alienate her. I know you don’t like to associate with drugs and their users, but tossing her out of the group will likely make things worse. If you refuse contact with her, all she’ll have left are those friends of hers that also use. See how that could be a problem?

DON’T let your concern become overwhelming to her. Don’t try to guilt her into laying down the pipe. It WILL NOT WORK. Saying things like “I’m losing my mind watching you do this to yourself” or “It’s killing me to see you this way”, while true, will only stress her out because not only does she have to quit to keep your friendship, she has to quit to keep you SANE. It’s pressure, and pressuring a user is never a good idea.

DO remind her occasionally that you are her friend. You’ll be around when she needs to talk, you’ll answer any questions you can, you’ll listen to her, and so on.

DO offer alternatives. This is why you can’t alienate her. What she needs now is a distraction. That’s you. Ask her to help you pick out a few new pairs of jeans, take her out for ice cream, go for walks and discuss politics or something.

And you have to remember, everyone falls. It doesn’t matter who they are or what drugs they do, how often, how much. Nothing matters. EVERYONE falls. Your “job” is to make the landing a little easier.

*This is my opinion based on experiences in my life and the lives of those around me. I don’t know this person, I don’t know WHY she does drugs, I don’t know what drugs she’s doing. I don’t know anything about her.

Good luck to your friend. It might be the hardest thing she ever goes through.

11

[sub][sup]Yes, I am entirely aware of the fact that I basically just repeated what everyone else said. But I put MY post into a neat little list, see? Besides, there are just some things you CAN’T say too many times, y’know?[/sub][/sup]

12

All I’ll add is, don’t preach. I have an ongoing off and on problem with alcohol. I’ll spare the details and just say that the friends whom I listen to and trust are the ones who don’t mount the high horse when talking to me.

13

It might help to simply ask her why she took drugs in the first place. Don’t make the question challenging or judgmental; try to aim for honest curiosity. If nothing else it might help her start thinking about her reasons.

It can be very easy to just drift a lot of things, just out of murky feelings and reactions. A good listener can prompt some reflection. If nothing else, she may hear some valuable thoughts she didn’t even know she had to bubble to the surface. It might not make much difference at first but she might remember later.

And good luck to both of you.

Veb

14

These are good people.

with good ideas.

I like all sorts of people. I do have a few base rules though. Do not do drugs around me. ever. I will leave. If I was your ride you will get another one.

Other than that I’m pretty gentle about drug use. I don’t do it and I don’t allow it near my person. I’ll happily discuss my reasons for both, you don’t have to agree, but that what they are.

So, where were we getting lunch?

15

Thanks for all replies. To the wondering minds, I never let a person know what I don’t like about them. I can’t help but not like things about certain people, but I never say anything that I know would hurt someone no matter if they are my best friend or someone I can’t stand. When I say that I quit associating with a person, I don’t mean that I snub them. I still act exactly the same IF they can catch me and talk to me. I always try to be my nicest. The only difference that the person might notice is that I will not do things with them anymore, because I now always have something else that I need to do.

 Now, about drugs. Although I have never personally done any type of drug, I am very well informed about many of them. Yes, I know that marijauna is pretty much harmless, and I know a lot of people that do it every once in a while. While I don't like that fact that they do it, I'm not going to tell them how to run their lives and they still remain friends. The people that I will not hang around with anymore are the ones that anytime they get into a vehicle to ride around with someone, they feel the need to get high. As someone mentioned earlier, if drugs start to appear and I have the option to leave, all you'll see that's left of me is tire smoke. The other night a bunch of us were going to go do something and take two vehicles. One vehicle had people drinking (all under age, the driver was not driking) and one vehicle had the people that use drugs in it. I really wanted to go, but I didn't want to be in either vehicle because they all speed and will eventually get caught, so I said I was taking my Jeep. A bunch of people said they said they wanted to ride with me, so I announced that the Jeep was the "clean" ride. A bunch of people said screw that, but two of my better friends jumped in and we had a blast. I just avoid being in places that aren't public with someone that is likely to get me in trouble.

 Now, jumping back on topic, me and my other friend talked and both decided that no matter what we did, there is no way to keep her reverting back to her old ways once she is off probation. I still plan on riding with her while she is on probation because she's fun to be around, but I'll do like I always do and keep my opinions to myself unless asked. She wanted me to ride with her and her friends last night (she asked about 3 times), but I knew that they would see blue lights flashing before the end of the night. They did. She always says that I'm the last "nice" guy left and she likes that. Maybe me being a nice guy will have some sort of effect on her. Probably not, but oh well, she can do what she wants. If I didn't clarify something about the situation or myself or if you have any questions or whatever, just ask, I'm always lurking at the best board on the web :).