Another Dating Analysis Thread

In My Humble Opinion
1

Important Note: This is all over. My question at the end is NOT what do I do?, but Do you think I did the right thing?

I started dating a guy last month. He had been single for years and wasn’t too big on committing to someone. He ordinarily dated women because he thought they were hot, and just wanted to get some. He tried to do things differently with me because he liked me: calling me every evening to say good night, wanting to spend the night, making all kinds of plans about things to do in the future together, and waiting to have sex. But he warned me that I would have to be patient with him, because he wasn’t used to being a one girl kind of man.

We finally had sex after our seventh date (about a month in). After the sex, he seemed to pull back, but this also coincided with a weekend trip where I warned him I wouldn’t be able to talk much, and an unusually busy work week for him. He still managed to call me most days of the week, and text a little bit, but something felt wrong. He just wasn’t as mushy (talking about missing me and wanting to cuddle with me) as he had been before.

On Thursday night he had plans, but he assured me that he would still call to say good night – he said it, not me. And then he didn’t call. So I got pissed, said I didn’t think this would work out because I’m high maintenance and I didn’t think I was the kind of girl he was going for. He responded by saying he didn’t really want a relationship anyways.

The next day, we tried to lay out what our options were. He said if we still hung out in person he would want to have sex with me, but not exclusively with me. Otherwise, he’d keep talking to me online and through texts, but he hated talking on the phone and he wouldn’t want to see me if he couldn’t have sex with me. So I said we’d just talk online, because I didn’t want to have sex with someone who was playing the field.

So like I said, the situation has been resolved. I personally still think I did the right thing. While this was literally instigated by something petty (him forgetting to call when he was having dinner with his best friend from out of town – admittedly a decent excuse), I instinctively felt him withdrawing and called things off. But do you think I did the right thing?

2

Yes. If you feel something is “off” that early on, then it probably is, especially if you are admittedly high maintenance.

3

It sounds like he was telling you the truth when he said he wasn’t good at commitment, and was trying to be someone he isn’t when he tried to do things differently with you. I think you and he were not right for each other, and dating other people is indeed the right thing.

4

Yep; it seems you asked something from him he wasn’t willing to compromise on w/o getting something in return on his own terms. The two of you weren’t suited for each other and better to cut it off sooner than later. Neither of you were going to change, so…it was an experiment, it failed.

5

Who was the first person to mention taking things slowly? For some reason, upon reading this, I get the feeling you mentioned taking things slowly first and he agreed since that’s what you wanted to hear. ISTM he’s just been playing along and running with that story the whole time. He admitted from day 1 that he normally just dates people for the sex and when it was taking to long for you (or it wasn’t frequent enough or whatever the case was) that’s when he gave you the ultimatum, more sex or this isn’t going to work.

OR

When you said after you first had sex he seemed to “pull back” that could be because he was done at that point. He got laid and he wasn’t interested in the relationship stuff at that point. Again though, he told you that upfront.

So yeah, either way, like everyone else said. You two are looking for two different things and you’re better off going your own ways. BTW, just keep in mind, if he does email/call/text you, regardless of what he says, he’s looking to get laid, nothing more, nothing less. If that’s okay with you, great, go sleep with him and cut out the BS, if that’s not okay with you, don’t even reply, not even to say “no thanks.”

6

As much as I can’t stand listening to Maya Angelou, I did happen to catch her saying this once “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” She then went on to give an example. Something along the lines of, if someone tells you that they are [character flaw*] don’t defend them or try to make them feel better about it, just thank them, that way when they do that/show that side of themselves to you, you already knew to expect it. I think fits pretty well here.

*for the life of me, I can’t remember what she said here. Maybe “I’m such a liar” or “I’m always late” something like that.

7

Since you’re looking for opinions, I’ll move this to IMHO.

twickster, MPSIMS moderator

8

You did what you wanted to do. Would you do it again? If so, then forget it and move on.

If not learn from it and don’t do it next time and move on.

There are some things worth compromising for and somethings that are not worth the compromise.

Learn what your standards are and stick to them, of course rules should always be open to modificaiton

9

This is a perfect example of how things should work.

Both of you state your interest and dating philosophy. Upon finding what could be common ground, or negotiate some clear bounderies and ground rules. When those get broken, you calmly reassess the situation and attempt to negotiate new ground rules that fit the realty of what you both want and have to give. When that doesn’t work, you move on. No guilt trips, no accusations, no game-playing, no secrets. You were both honest about your situations, honest to yourselves about what you can live with, and brave enough to cut your losses when it became clear it wasn’t going to work.

Bravo!

10

Agreeing that you did the right thing.

Also, you should take it as a compliment that the guy was willing to play a game that doesn’t come naturally to him for 7 dates/1 month just to have sex with you.

:slight_smile:

11

Thanks guys, your unanimous support makes me feel better! :slight_smile:

12

Sounds like you were a conquest to him. His attentiveness was because you hadn’t had sex with him yet. Once that happened, his hunting trip was over.

You did the right thing, if you are looking for someone to be in a relationship with.

13

I think you completely did the right thing!

I also think, ‘You’ll have to be patient with me!’, was code for, ‘I’m looking for someone to go round and round with, in the codependency dance!’, most likely. Count your blessings you’re not one of those girls, utterly blinded by love/passion, till they get stuck in the web. No one gets out undamaged.

You should be buying yourself a drink, and taking credit for being emotionally savy enough to act. Your mental health is always worth protecting vehemently.

Consider buying a lottery ticket.:smiley: