The wife and I went out to dinner last night with a big family group. We were seated at two tables.
Brother-in-law and sister-in-law were at one table, their two kids (Jenny, 13 and Nick, 17) ended up at our table.
Before the food comes, Nick says to Mrs. Mustard and I, “I’m gonna make a prediction. Jenny’s going to eat a little bit of her food, then go to the bathroom. When she gets back, she will just play with her food and not eat anything else. She does this every time.”
Sure enough, after about six bites of pasta, Jenny heads toward the bathroom. When she gets back she eats a couple more bites but leaves the entrée largely untouched. Nick, laughing, say, “See, told you! Every time!”
I don’t want to make assumptions, but I’d say the odds are pretty good that Jenny is, er, *uneating *the bites that she ate. Mrs. Mustard thought the same thing. Should we voice our suspicions to her parents? How would you handle it?
She was nearby, but it was very loud and I really don’t think she heard any of it.
ETA: I’m sure Nick has no idea why she goes into the bathroom, he just finds it amusing that she is so predictable. He wasn’t being an asshole, just a goofy (and clueless) brother.
I’m thinking you should MYOB. Unless the parents are the type of people who are completely out of touch with their childrens’ lives, they already are very familiar with the behaviour and almost certainly are taking steps to address it.
The son is probably just wrapping his head around it and isn’t quite sure how to handle it in a mature and non-judgemental way. He just needs to be kindly but firmly set straight on how comments like that don’t help anybody and actually do the opposite. I’d leave it to the parents to do and if they didn’t in that moment, it’s probably for the best, to avoid drawing more attention to the issue and further embarassing the daughter in a very public setting.
ETA: As an aside, thanks to the OP for reminding me that I need to get some Dijon mustard today.
I say mention it, definitely. If it’s true then it can lead to serious problems, not for Jenny but for the entire family. Chances are that the parents are aware, but they might still be in denial. Your noticing it and discussing it might shake them out of their denial, if that’s where they are.
The sooner they can nip it in the bud, the better.
My H.S. girlfriend’s sister had severe anorexia, and the effort and cost to treat it once identified was shattering to the family. I was a close friend to the whole family (we dated nearly 2 years) and at one point I was the only one she’d trust and talk to from her hospital facility by phone. She didn’t want to talk to any family members.
Good luck to you. If your suspicions turn out to be true and if her problem is serious, this may be a long road to travel for them and, by extension, for you too.
“Okay, I gotta ask, what’s up with Jenny, a few bites…bathroom…no more eating? Her brother pointed it out to us, and he was right too! Is it just her brother bugging her? Is she yanking his chain? A family joke? Or what?”
This is what I would say, very casually. And then I would wait to hear their take on it.
Now they know the facts, and you’ll hear what they think about it all. It’s possible the brother has suspicions that it isn’t an innocent thing, and is ham handedly trying to get an adult to care, especially if the parents think it’s nothing. In which case an outside adult mentioning it might make them look a little harder at this behaviour.
I would not express concern or even mention eating disorders, just a casual inquiry only.
Jenny’s parents were at another table and heard none of the conversation. Neither did Jenny.
Nick, I’m sure, has zero idea that Jenny is (or may be) puking. He just thinks it’s funny that she runs to the toilet every meal. Probably thinks she has to take a crap after just a few bites and he finds that amusing.
I know quite a bit about anorexia and bulimia (they are quite different, to start with). What has me stumped is what to do about this specific situation.
It is very common for young teen girls to induce vomiting, and it is usually a passing thing. That said, ‘nip it in the bud’ is where my head is at right now.
If Nick isn’t home schooled or living in some sort of very sheltered environment, he knows damn well about puking and the link to anorexia and bulimia. It’s a topic that I’m sure has been covered in his health class and I have little doubt it’s been mentioned in conversations with his friends.
Few kids these days are as oblivious as they let on or as innocent as adults would like to believe.
I’m withnelbows on keeping it casual, but I also very much disagree with QuickSilver - I don’t think it’s possible to overestimate the ability of people in general, but parents especially, to ‘see’ something and remain totally blind to actual reality.
I’m not trying to suggest it doesn’t happen. There are parents who willfully (or by omission) ignore very clear signs of trouble with their own kids. I’d just hate to think it’s the rule rather than the rare exception.
Yes, I would say something to the parents. If they don’t know, they need to. If they’re kind of aware but in denial your observation might get them to address it. If they know and are trying to deal with it they may be grateful to have somebody else they can talk to about it.
If they get pissed I’d say something to Jenny in private. This behavior can’t be taken lightly; it can kill. I think your concern is more important than social amenities.
I think you’re overestimating kids, or how an odd denial can kick in with close family members. I wouldn’t expect a kid to recognize bulimia off vague clues, more likely he thinks his sis has diarrhea and finds it amusing.
If it were I, I’d say something. I like **elbow’s **approach. This isn’t about being critical of their parenting or her fashion choices. This is about the fact that you’ve noticed what may be the first subtle symptoms of a serious disease that she’s likely intentionally hiding from them.
If you say something, then you’re done. That’s all you have to do. It’s not your ethical or legal responsibility to make sure that they follow up and get her appropriate diagnosis and treatment. That’s their job as parents. But I do think we have an ethical responsibility to alert parents to actual dangers to their children that they may not know about.
If the kid was a toddler and you noticed an open well with no cover on it, would you tell them, “hey, I couldn’t help but notice that your kid is walking around by an open well, and might fall in and get hurt”? I would. Whether their next choice is to cover the well or supervise the kid or move or ignore it is pretty much up to them.
Somewhere in all this there is a sibling pair. Given that, unless it’s a weird sibling relationship, it seems obvious that one sibling should talk to the other. This isn’t how to approach another couple in your social circle, this is someone talking to their sister/brother. Yes, something should be said. How to say it is governed by the 30 + years of history between them.
Yeah. It’s one thing to have your Health teacher show you a bunch of pictures of anorexic girls while you’re staring out the window and daydreaming; it’s another to diagnose the sibling you grew up with and feel like you know inside out.
FWIW, I’d definitely say something to the parents. You don’t have to be alarmist about it - just mention Nick’s joke and say you were a little concerned. If she goes to the bathroom in the middle of meals often enough for her 17 year old brother to notice and comment on, it’s not a crazy thing to think.
Are you or your wife close to your sis & bro in law? Who are the sisters and/ or brothers? How often do you see Jenny? Has she lost weight or look different to you?
What’s the worst that could happen if you inquired about it?
What’s the worst that could happen if you ignored it?
If the parents know their daughter has an eating problem, would they have sat her at a different table without warning any of the adults at that table? That doesn’t seem likely to me.
I’d rather risk offending her parents than risk not making them aware of what could potentially be a very serious issue. I wouldn’t go as jokey as elbows approach myself, but then it depends on the type of relationship you have with these people.
I think you should say something to the parents, and I don’t think you should try to couch it in vague or casual terms. You’re adults and so are they.
Tell them exactly what happened, that their son has noticed the pattern, so it isn’t a one time thing, that you’re concerned that she may be bulimic, and you felt they should know if they don’t already. Don’t try to tell them how to handle it, that’s their responsibility as parents.
Maybe they are already aware, and are working on it, and then you leave it up to them to handle it.
I disagree with any MYOB advice, because Jenny is a minor, because you’re family, not just some strangers, and because this is a serious health issue.
I also think it’s irrelevant whether her brother realizes what’s going on or not, or why he pointed it out to you. You’re talking to her parents, not directly to the girl. They’ll know the brother-sister dynamic, and can account for that, if it matters.
