Hi to all teeming millions, pleased to meetcha.
Being at the forefront of modern technology, I have recently acquired an answering machine. As a vindictive hater of humanity (present company excluded), I wish to record a message so funny that all who hear it shall die of asphyxiation!!
Or, failing that one which will induce humorous responses from those fool enough to call me.
Btw I have already inadvertadly used the old, “there- I pressed record ya stupid hunk o’ junk, oh shine a light at me wouldja? I’ll fix you, you…” for around a week. Thanks
Hi, I’m chandler Bing.
Just don’t do what one obnoxious idiot I know did, which was record a message, “Hello? (Pause) Hello? (Pause) Hello? (Pause)” and each time, of course, you’re repeating yourself – until they finally admit to being the answering machine. Talk about the quick way to piss off your callers.
• I knew a guy in school who recorded the following, against a background of very loud music: “Hello?” “Hello?” “I can’t hear you!”
I could spend some time that I don’t have here, so I’ll keep it short.
• One night I went out with a friend who was the sort to continually update her message. She was in a foul mood, and recorded, “Do yourself a favor and call somebosy else!”
Welcome to the boards by the way.
(that’s not my idea for a message)
How about “Eugh, there’s poo on the phone headset!” It’d be interesting to see how they react, if they move the phone away and look at it.
“This is [insert name here]. Your call is important to me. If you speak Spanish, press 2. Please leave your name, address, telephone number, social security number and at least two references after the beep. To hear what the beep sounds like, press 8. If you can’t find the 8, press 9. If you’re left-handed, press 7. This call may be recorded for quality control purposes. If you have issues with your mother, press 3. All operators are busy with other callers right now, but your call will be taken in the order that it was received, so don’t hang up. To detonate a large bomb in the Ladies Room of this call center, press 5. If you’re a secret cross-dressing pervert, press 4. If you want to do the wild thang, press 6. If you want to hear some really shitty hold music, press 0 and say “hit me widda music”, followed by the pound sign. My regular hours are between 8 and 8.15 Newfoundland time. Please call back during regular hours. Your call is important to me. Have a nice day.”
I heard one along the lines of:
Hi you have reached John Smith but I am not here at the moment so when you…hang on I think I just heard me at the door, just wait a second…Sorry, I think it was just a delivery boy so when you hear the tone leave a message and I will get back to you.
“doo-de-DOO…Your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and try your call again.”
I confused a few people with this one: “Speak.”
“9-1-1, what is your emergency?”
“Oh, so you finally decided to call, huh? I couldn’t hang around any longer, so if you’d like to apologize, now’s the time. If it’s good enough, I’ll think about calling you back.”
“Hi, this is X. My answering machine is broken but I managed to wire the toaster to the phone so when you hear the beep, your toast is done.”
I fell for that one and used it afterwards. I have no idea why, but people stopped leaving me messages.
If you don’t know what to do by now, you’re a complete moron and I don’t want to talk to you. BEEP
The Them from The Facts of Life is a good one, but you have to get the actual recording, don’t sing it yourself.
This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast system, for the next half second, we will be conducting a test. If this was an actual emergency, you’d probably be dead by now and this message wouldn’t matter. This is only a test. BEEP
Hi, you’ve reached OMW’s refrigerator. His answering machine is broken right now, but if you leave a message at the beep, I’ll stick it to myself with one of these magnets so he can call you back.
Hi We’re here. We’re just screening our calls, because there’s someone we don’t want to talk to. Leave a message. If we call you back, it wasn’t you.
If this is my mom, send money.
If this is a woman I’ll be right back.
If this is the guy who owes me money, I’ll be right back, pay up.
If this is the guy I owe money to I’ll be out all day, but its in the mail.
Wait! wait! I can’t find the phone! Don’t hang up! I’m looking… Talk really loud soI can find it. Keep talking, louder. Ok, I’m zeroing in…Beeep.
My current message:
“Hi, you’ve reached [my name]'s answering machine. I’m not taking calls at the moment because I’m avoiding someone. Leave a message, and if I don’t call back - [spooky voice] it’s you [/spooky voice]”
If you’re married or dating someone, I find this one funny:
“Hi, we can’t come to the phone right now, we’re busy doing something we love. (Name Here) loves it up and down, and I love it side to side. So when we’re done brushing our teeth, we’ll call you back.”
When I had an answering machine, the message started with the first two or three seconds of “Albert’s Shuffle,” and then in a fake depressed-but-groovin voice, “Missin your call just gives me the blues–but if you leave your name and number, I’ll get back to you real soon.” Then a few more seconds of “Albert’s Shuffle,” then the beep.
Play an Elvis song in the background and say, “You have reached the 24-hour Elvis Presley sighting hotline. Due to the high volume of calls, all of our operators are busy, so if you leave your name, phone number, date, time, location, and details of your sighting of the King, we will call back to verify. Thank you, congratulations, and remember - the King liiiiives!”
I finally changed it because I got sick of people telling me they’d tried to call but must have dialled the wrong number - they’d gotten some hotline or other.
These are great, I may have to change my own message when I get home. The one I have used for years is:
“Hi! This is you-know-who, leave a message after the you-know what.”