We’ve been flushing them down the toilet and masking the blue water with 1000 flushes. Just so the liberals don’t get upset.
You are keeping a watch on your filtration plants, aren’t you? I hear the Blue Menace can gum up the settling ponds something fierce.
And I think that “liberals” would make an exception in this case. From the way I’ve heard some talk, smurfs are right down there with purple loosestrife as threats to biodiversity.
I’m amazed that I couldn’t remember the price I just quoted a client at my status meeting an hour ago. Yet, I can recall a specific episode of a crappy cartoon that ran when I was like 8 years old. At will.
Skip, I’m convinced my brain needs to be defragmented.
Yeah? So why do they live in blue states then? I am pretty sure them is in bed with the smurfs.
But I think the sound had an “r” in it; sounded more like “GRRNAP” to me.
Damn tail-biting evil smurfs.
Try hitting on the females. They will either think you are a dork and never come back around, or you might just get lucky and land some of the rare smurf poontang.
Maybe you could just hide the Sudafed?
(look at about the 7th line of the article)
You’ve heard those tales of toys that come to life whenever humans aren’t watching them?
Since, obviously, they’re far from a myth, I suggest you explore this avenue by hiring some war toys as a mercenary force* to eradicate the smurfs. This will, likely, lead to a guerilla war as the smurfs retreat deeper into the woodlands, but if you have enough resolve to see the fighting to the finish, you should prevail.**
‘Course, You’ll have to deal with RC helicopters buzzing around the yard playing “Ride of the Valkyries” and "Surfin’ Bird" at all hours of the night; little firebases springing up in the azaleas and turnip patches; and the inevitable time when Sgt. Slaughter’s special mission deep in Smurf territory becomes…unsound, operating without any decent restraint, totally beyond the pale of acceptible human conduct…
But, hey, all in all, it’s still better than smurfs.
*This, obviously, will probably require the use of an intermediary, such as a guileless child, or a wisecracking talking mouse. On the plus side, you may simply be able to buy the war toys instead of hiring them, technically making them Mamelukes instead of mercenaries.
**(Plus smurfs, being fanciful woodland creatures, are from a class of creature that isn’t exactly known for putting up violent resistance to the modern world. Mostly they’ll just cower and give some sob story and try to win you over with the power of love and nature and all that hippie crap. That’s when you have G.I. Joe go in with one of these with a warload with things banned by the Hague convention to kick their azure subhuman butts back to guam.)
Or, failing that…
Give one of them $100 to paint himself purple and run around going “GNAP! GNAP!” for a while The rest of them will run away screaming.
This post has been GNAP! by the GNAPIST!
Don’t fret. Continue to kill the smurfs in your lawn and garden when and where you find them. It’s a self-solving problem, you see.
Once hell is full of Smurfs and there’s no more room… the zombie smurfs will take care of the survivors.
Don’t kill them!! Think blue slavery. They can pick our fruits and vegitables, they can work in our factories and brothels. Of course every once in a while you will have to kill a few of them to keep the rest in line, but cheap labour could go a long way to getting Americas trade defict whittled down.
It’s a bit time consuming, but here’s how we dealt with an infestation a couple of years ago:
The first thing you’re going to want to do is to gather as many berries off the tell-tale smurfberry bushes that dot your lawn and confirm that you do indeed have smurfs. The bushes are rather small, so it’s not wrong to grasp them by the trunk, and pull your hand upward, causing all the berries to come off. If you do, you’ll have to pull the leaves out later, but this takes less time than picking individual berries with tweezers.
The next thing you do is to create a wine out of the berries. Any make-your-own-wine kit should be adaptable to the use of smurfberries rather than grapes. Waiting for the brew to ferment is probably the longest part of the process.
Once your wine is done, set it outside in shallow bowls. Smurfs are notorious boozers, and they’ll drink the wine until they pass out. After they’ve passed out, all you need to do is fish them out of the bowls and crack them once on the skull with a hammer. A few might spasm a bit and need a second blow to finish them off, but most will be dispatched with the first since the DDT spraying a few decades ago contributed them to having rather fragile bones.
If you send their bodies through a mulcher - but remove their pants and hats as not to clog up the machine - you’ll have decorative mulch to suround your plants. Another good thing about smurf-mulch is the brighter smurfs are able to put two and two together, and will flee when they find bits of Vanity decorating your rose bushes.
Seems to me you’re inerfering with evolution. You’ll help produce a super intelligent Smurf, with an IQ near that of the most dense squirrel.
One way I can envision the end of the Smurf population in your domicile is to enduce the said species into a genocidal state such as the one borne by the infected persons in 28 Days Later. Watching a group of Smurfs tear the cute little girl smurf to pieces while she screams for mercy as the elder smurf rips out her jugular vein with his big shiny two front teeth should make anyone grab a chair and a bucket of popcorn.
More then anything, I think the sight of Monkeys watching what could be classified as American Television with occasional bursts of CNN transmission reporting on foreign affairs was what appealed to me.
But consider this… If forcing Monkeys to watch violent acts for days at a time straight can induce them into homicidal maniacs bent on some good old school cannibalism… What could happen if Monkeys were forced to watch Pornography?
Could an outbreak of extreme urges to fornicate or simply fuck everyone within sight and reach be the result?
Wait… Don’t we have that in Society today already?
1.) Any way of getting rid of Smurfs is a Good Way.
2.) OOmpa-Loompas, Munchkins, and Hobbits are their natural predators.
3.) Send to Belgium for Stroumph Repellant
4.) Very Big Boots
5.) Use Fungicide to eliminate their dwellings
6.) Hang up posters the next time Blue Man Group is recruiting. Tell them it’s for Small Theater.
Okay, fine, but how much do I put in a gallon of water when I spray the garden and the shrubs?
You want to get rid of Smurfs? Seems UNICEF has the right idea!
(Link will take you to a video clip)
If you think getting rid of smurfs is difficult, apparently getting rid of zombie smurf threads is just about impossible!
Oh c’mon, it’s only a couple months old. It’s relevant!