OK, I’ve been lurking here for a long time and I know that this is a group that will be able to give me some excellent insights.
My wife recently told me that she was a lesbian and I’m wondering if anyone else successfully stayed with their spouse after finding out that they were gay. She says she only desires woman, and is certainly not bisexual. She married me 8 years ago hoping that it would go away. She also says she doesn’t want to feel the way she does, and she doesn’t want a divorce.
We still have somewhat of a sex life but it’s basically for my benefit…and she tries pretty hard to make it good for me.
My question is this: has anyone else been in a similiar situation and what eventually became of it?
Finally, don’t reply with a “Get another woman and make a threesome” :-).
I would imagine that this precise situation is pretty rare; I would have thought that in most cases, the spouse would either suffer in silence/guilt or come out and leave/be rejected.
(you should also have said don’t reply with “Maybe you can cure her” )
Actually, not. I’d say go and see a shrink. You should be aware that, from what you’ve said, there’s a fairly good chance that your wife “resolving” this is going to lead to her leaving you, so you might not want to go down this road.
You should bear in mind that I’ve never bumped into this before (well, excluding that time I saw it on Springer, but you don’t want to hear about that ).
I googled “gay spouse “what to do””. It looks like you’ll find people in this situation in alt.support.divorce (sorry to mention it again, but at least they’ll have some idea).
Hey, there are plenty of marriages out there with less sex than yours.
(Not that I’D… Umm – I’m thinking of my parent’s generation).
But they do have love, or at least mutual respect. If you love your wife, you want the best for her. Well, that ain’t out in the gutter. It’s probably support, friendship, and counseling.
And maybe down the line you’ll both decide she needs a girlfriend. At which point it gets even messier.
There is a cousin of my father’s whose husband is gay, and they have kept the marriage together – quite well, apparently, although platonically – for several years, with three kids. I can’t offer any advice whatsoever, as I’m not familiar with this cousin at all, but there’s a real-life example for you.
TV Time, appropriately enough for the forum, this is strictly IMHO, but I don’t think that’s the best advice, and your own skepticism points to that. If his wife is sure she’s a lesbian, why would she have any interest in being “cured” by a group that tries to force someone against their natural inclinations? It seems to me that this could only make tensions in the marriage much more than they already are. But, I suppose, YMMV. Counseling for both of you – together and individually – would seem to me to be the best way to handle this.
I think probably my biggest reason for the posting was to see if there were any others that have had any success.
It’s been about 18 months now and it’s been a constant struggle between us. My wife looked into the “conversion” therapy things and even spoke to someone who had gone through it. The overwhelming verdict is that these groups don’t convert people, they try to get them to live with it within their current situation.
I get the overwhelming feeling that I am up shit creek without a paddle and I was hoping that some others have dealt well with it.
Please check out the local chapter of PFlag and attend some meetings. If nothing else, you will learn that you are not alone and might gain some insight from others in your situation.
Well, it would be difficult to put into practice, for one.
I mean, the world is not full of bisexual women thinking, “Gosh, I sure wish I could score with a married couple!” Not that women who would find such a situation agreeable do not exist, but this is an area where supply does not meet demand.
You obviously do not realize the full potential of the internet.
I imagine that if he wants to go down that route, it wouldn’t be too difficult to find someone willing to give it a shot, but the possible consequences of a haphazardly chosen third person being added to the sexual equation could cause a bunch of problems. An open marriage might cut it, but you’ll each have to lay down some rules if you want the non-sexual elements of your relationship to work out.
I’d also like to add that at least 95% of lesbians and bisexual women are sick to effing DEATH of the threesome suggestion.
It is worth considering that a woman who finds herself unattracted to men sexually will not gain much by entering a sexual situation containing one, even if there is a woman provided presumably for the edification of both her and her husband. The OP himself noted that their sex life is now mainly for his benefit. In such a threesome he becomes extraneous for her, she for him, and the spare bisexual woman ends up having to satisfy both parties.
Plus, as Badtz Maru has noted, it’s very difficult to add a third person to a sexual/emotional relationship without unbalancing it altogether. IANATherapist, nor do I play one on TV, but it seems to me there’s other issues here that need to be worked out and stabilized before such a potentially disastrous thing could be attempted.
I think you are up shit creek without a paddle. It was very unfair of your wife to marry you without making you aware her sexual issues. She owes you an apology and I hope she’s given you one. I may be old fashioned but I don’t see how you two can continue to have a happy marriage.
Eventually she’s going to seek some sort of emotional and physical relationship with someone of the same sex. Is this something the both you can be comfortable with within the bounds of your marriage?
You may seek out some sort of emotional and physical relationship with someone of the opposite sex. I don’t imagine making love to a woman who gets no pleasure from your company is something you’re happy about. Is this something the both of you can be comfortable with within the bounds of your marriage?
It is possible that she feels compelled to stay in the marriage out of guilt. I do think she owes you an apology for not telling you her feelings earlier. But she’s obviously overcome a mental hurdle by admitting to herself and to you that she is a homosexual. You two may still love one another but love isn’t always enough to keep a marriage together.
If I were in your situation I’d opt for a divorce. I may be angry and hurt but I’d try to make it as amicable as possible.
You do not need one other woman, you need two. One for your wife, and another for you.
Questions. Why no divorce? You stated she did not want one. What about you?
I have little to add here. No answers only questions.
First of all, adding a third party to the mix sounds good in theory, but I think it was summed up best above with:
“Plus, as Badtz Maru has noted, it’s very difficult to add a third person to a sexual/emotional relationship without unbalancing it altogether.”
MGibson, I’ve been seeing things the way you described. She has been very sorry about it, but it still doesn’t resolve the situation.
Booker57, I think my biggest issue with an open marriage is that I don’t really see how I could seperate sex and love/friendship. And if either of us were engaged in a third party relationship that involved more than raw sex, our marriage wouldn’t make it. Not to mention my wife has a pretty conservative upbringing and she feels very monogamous. In fact, that upbringing has basically led her down the road of denial until recently.
So, why are we together? We have kids; and while they aren’t the sole reason for us being together, they have been the reason for so much effort to work things out.
Of course, I’m pretty much getting sick of the situation. We are fantastic friends, but I’m starting to think I would prefer a wife.
I had a buddy that went through this and this is what happened.
His wife ended up letting her GF move in with them, you can guess what happened, he of course had a good time with both, for awhile. He eventually moved out, and from talking to her on the phone she can’t stand him. I wouldn’t suggest such a relationship.
I’d say if you could have an open marriage do it. Though you kind of hint that your wife wouldn’t like this. I applaud that you are trying to work this out though, especially for the children.
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