Anyone else have this occasional problem (being socially invisible)

There is one thing that happens to me every few months on eating in a café or restaurant (on vacation or on a day’s walking tour):

Variant 1: A, B, C, D have sat down (I am D)

Server to A: What would you like to order?
A: …
Server to B: And for you?
B: …
Server to C: And for you?
C: …
Server: That’s all, then?
D: No.
Server: ::leaves::
D: Excuse me?
Server: ::vanishes over the horizon::

Variant 2: A, B, C, D have ordered (again, I am D. I have ordered dumpling soup)
Server to A: The dumpling soup - was that your order?
A: No.
Server to B: Did you order it, then?
B: No.
Server to C: It’s for you, then?
C: No.
Server ::frowns, leaves for kitchen:::
D: Excuse me?
Server: ::has disappeared:::

Notes:

  • this has happened to me in Germany, Denmark, Austria, Italy and Greece.
  • I don’t talk in a particularly low voice - I have known people who talk so you have to strain your ears to understand them, but I am not one of them.
  • I a neither an attractive nor a repulsive person. (I can relate to Adrian Mole being described as having ‘hair-colored hair’…)
  • Because I know I am prone to that effect, when there is a server at the table I don’t continue in a conversation but pay exquisite attention in oder not to miss my turn. Still this happens.
  • I did not notice this effect happening to others. (Which of course might only indicate that I am a poor observer).

Does this happen to any of you, too?

And BTW, I can quite confidently exclude the reason this happens to Bruce Willis’ character in The Sixth Sense as a possible explanation.

What?

Damn, I swear I saw a new thread here, but I can’t see anyone posting. Oh well.

(Sorry.)

There was an episode of Curb your Enthusiasm where Larry had the same thing happen to him, but with only two people at the table.

Don’t know what to say about your situation.

Don’t know why it’s happening, but the next time, I’d recommend instead of just saying, “Excuse me?” you yell at the server, “Hey!” Don’t be afraid to get loud. They should be embarrassed, not you.

This happens to me a lot. My response is usually “What am I, fucking invisible?”

Or, in the words of Father MacCahey of MASH, I am frequently mistaken for being absent.

Not me, but a friend of mine complained about this about two years ago. She’s an attractive young girl, but she describes the same thing as you did, including people bumping into her in the street or not seeing her approaching on her bike.

It passed. But she still doesn’t have an explanation for it.

IIRC, Bert Campbell of Soap went around for awhile saying he could make himself invisible. He discovered his superpower when people kept saying to him, “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t see you there.”

This happens to me when I’m dining alone.

I’ve had it happen to me. Not simply being forgotten while a server were taking orders, but in the middle of a conversation, the person I was talking to started talking to someone else, and completely forgot about me, and that she was getting me a drink while we chatted.

When she gave “my” drink to the next person in line, while still talking with the other person, I left.

One more reason why I hate dealing with people.

Nothing quite that bad has ever happened, usually I just can’t catch their attention to let them know I need a refill or something, even if they’ve stopped by to ask how we’re doing.

Waitress “How are we doing here?”
BlueViolets “Could I have some more ketchup for my fries?”
Waitress “Sure, no problem.”
RedRoses “And I’d like a refill… ahh nevermind.”

Usually it takes the form or not being included in the conversation, people interrupting me, that sort of thing. But then I’ve got social anxiety, so sometimes my dearest ambition is to blend in with the nearest wall. But when I’ve succeeded, it stings a bit.

I told this story in may of '02.

I think I sometimes become invisible
Yesterday I set out to do several different chores. I left early with a song in my heart and a smile on my face.

I have some problems with my back and a friend told me to try a waterbed, he said it would help. So I decided to go buy one. I have some original animation cels that needed to be framed, so I would go to the picture framing place. I also needed my oil changed.

I first stopped at the bed outlet. I went and stood in the waterbed section waiting for someone to help me. I even tried the beds. I rolled around on one of them.

Now, you don’t know me, so you can’t know that I am a rather large man. Both tall and wide. I am muscular from my days of weightlifting in college and round from my days of sitting behind a desk. It is hard to miss me.

After 10 minutes of waiting in a store that was practically empty, I decided that they didn’t need my business and left.

I went to the picture framers next. There was a woman at the counter and several workers milling about the store. The woman at the counter had another customer. I waited patiently, but the other customer was taking a lot of time. I looked around, the other workers seemed to not notice me. I decided to browse the book store and come back. A half hour later, the woman behind the counter was working with another customer. The rest of the people still seemed to be unable to see me. That’s when it occured to me: I must be invisible. I went out into the mall and tapped some guy on the shoulder. “Can you see me?” I asked in a friendly manner. He just stared at me, his eyes big and round (as if my voice came from no where.) He quickly walked away. AH HA! I knew that I was invisible.

I left and went to have my oil changed. I figure that all the metal from my car negated the invisibility field, 'cause they helped me right away. (hooray!) I then went to another branch of the bed store.

I stopped one of the workers and said “I’m here to buy a water bed.” Just like that. Right from the beginning she could tell that she had a sale. All that she had to do was help me. She answered one or two of my questions, but then a couple came up to her and asked her a question. She stopped helping me and wandered off to help them. I figure at that time, I slipped into invisibility mode and she musta forgotten that I was there. I left.

And lastly, as I was walking to my car, a kid on a skateboard crashed right into me. He apologized and claimed that he didn’t see me. Now, as I said, I’m a large man, both tall and wide. He had to be able to see me. Or…

I think that sometimes I become invisible.

No, in fact you remind me a little, particularly around the eyes, of Claude Rains.

Here we go: HSII or HUMAN SPONTANEOUS INVOLUNTARY INVISIBILITY.

This happens to me regularly. People bump into me on the street or walk directly at me and fail to move out of the way (and then fail to say “excuse me”). I’m in grad school, and one of my professors routinely calls on some person behind me when I have my hand raised (and I can’t tell and will start speaking only to be interrupted by the other classmate). Recently I went to the hair stylist and after she sent me into the other room to get my hair washed and told me she’d be back in five minutes to get me…she did not. I waited there for ~10 minutes before someone else came into the room and I had to ask her to get my stylist. (I know there are other examples, but I’m blanking on them right now.)

I don’t get it, either. I’m not a small person. I don’t dress in camouflage. I’m on the quiet side, but the people crashing into me on the street don’t know that.

The weird thing is that I go through other periods where it seems like everyone is staring at me. I get self-conscious and duck into a bathroom to see if there’s anything awry with my appearance, but everything looks in order. And they’re usually staring at my face (so it’s not like I have my zipper down or anything), and while I’m no beauty I’m not repulsive either.

None of this makes me love humanity any more.

If you know me, you know I have a personality that is pretty far from invisible, and I’m also a 6’2" Scot whose taste in fashion runs to the less than subtle, and yet this happens to me regularly – a table that divides so that the two groups on either side of me are having their own conversations while I pick at my galaktoboureko, or people who dance at right angles to me. (I notice this happens a lot when I’m with a group of friends who are all my friends but who are better friends with one another than they are with me.)

The next time it happens, try this line that I had to whip out recently. I was having a drink with my boyfriend and one of his friends, when a waiter, who apparently knew them, came up and started chatting. He went on for some time, and finally I turned to him, stuck out my hand, and with a sociable smile said, “Hi! I’m another living human being.”

It seemed to work.

Man, and I thought I had it bad.

I have no problem in restaurants, and only sometimes in stores, but my major problem is with ‘potential mate invisibility’, where I am apparently invisible to (in my case) women, in whom I may be interested.

Clearly the HSII syndrome can have different intensities.

It happens to me when I’m out walking. People step out in front of me and otherwise occupy space that I’m about to step into. It’s freaking disconcerting as all get out. I don’t know what brings it on but when it’s happening it’s happening nonstop.

To me? No. I am loud and have lots of red hair. Waitstaff have been known to ask me about other peoples’ orders, or specifically hand me the check even if there are nine other people at the table and I’m not paying.

A good friend of mine has this strange power, however. She is very blonde, very busty, and has a very industrial-cute style of dress that frequently involves chrome studs and chains that make her entire outfit jingle. She is still invisible. People who are counting up group members for movie tickets or for dinner will stop, frown, and call out her name only to discover that she has been standing about six inches from them the entire time. This happened repeatedly on her high-school class trip to Egypt, where not only did she not look anything like the natives, she didn’t dress anything like the natives, and she never left the tour group.

I really have no idea. You would think she would be visible from Mars, especially since her favorite colors are cherry red and black.

My aunt does this to me and my husband at every holiday gathering in her home. If my sisters are present with their children, we are invisible. When my sisters and their babies leave, usually early to put kiddies to bed, we magically appear and she speaks to us as if we’d just arrived. And she guilts me by telling me how she doesnt see me enough, I need to visit more. Sigh.

But more to the OP regarding public interactions, this happened to my husband JUST this weekend! Only a total of three of us at the table, and waitress POINTEDLY would not look at him. She was walking away from the table and he says: “I’d like some more tea please” She stopped in her tracks, and instead of turning around, she reached her arm behind her and grabbed the glass. It was like a contortionist trick. What is up with that?