Anyone lost a sibling?

Sorry to whine, but it has been 3 months, and I am not sure I am over losing my my sister. And now my mother is dying. I am only 22 fucking years old, and I am really upset about it. Does stuff like this really get better? I haven’t really slept since January. Now I am supposed to walk across the stage and accept my college diploma on May 13. I will be the first person in my family to finish college. I don’t want to go. I wanted my sister to be there, and she won’t be. My sister was a real freak about royal purple everything, and I asked my university if I could wear an armband of the same color so at least I could feel that a part of her was there when I walked across the stage. That was received with a great big no.

I don’t want to drag anybody down, but I am the one that always holds the family together. I am the outgoing one. I am the one that makes things work. I just can’t do it anymore. Does this stuff get better? People always say that Father Time eases everything. I just feel like he is some sort of 5 year old with a magnifying glass that has just discovered that he can burn ants if he tilts it just right with the sun. Maybe I am not enough of a man yet, but I don’t think I can float the family boat much longer.

I had a brother 5 years younger than me who died. I still have another brother 6 years younger than me and we are very close. There are often times when we are hanging out, drinking a beer, when we both realize at the same time that there is someone else who should be here having these good times with us. We sort of smile and move on.

My brother who died is always present in my heart, especially at my wedding, when my kids were born, etc. My kids never met him, but they know I have 2 brothers.

I really feel for you man. You are hurting so bad now. But as you said, time will pass and you will remember your sister with a smile. Just be who you are, put one foot in front of the other each day, and trust me, you will reach a place where the pain is lessened. It never truly goes away, but it sort of morphs into a friend you learn to live with. Oddly enough the pain turns into a sort of comfort because it is a connection to the one you lost.

But right now, its ok to be hurting, and angry, and sad, and confused , and to feel cheated. You HAVE to feel all of these things and live through them.

My brother had a toy cowboy pistol that I took from his room the day after he died. I have kept it for many years. It was in my pocket the day I got married, as my personal connection to him. Last year when my other brother married, I gave it to him, for him to pass on as he sees fit. But maybe you can find some little trinket, some little thing you can carry with you so when you walk across the stage to get your degree, she can be with you and you can share that moment with her.

Please feel free to ask me any questions you may have. If you would like, you can email me. I would love to help you in any way I can, since I have been there…

hugs---------> {{{{{Translucent Daydream}}}}}

I’m so sorry for your loss. I haven’t lost a sibling, but I have friends who have lost close relatives and spouses. Three months is no time at all when you’re talking about grief. I’ve seen it get better, but sometimes it takes years. And you don’t generally notice that it’s gotten better until it’s been better for a while. And you’ll always have moments where it hurts lots and lots; but they’ll be moments and not all day, every day any more.

As for the graduation…I really like newcrasher’s idea. Or you could wear a purple tie or purple socks or some other purple thing I’m not thinking about.

Please keep us updated on how you’re doing and about how your mom is doing.

GT

After rereading the last paragraph of your post, I had to share something else. My family was always somewhat disfunctional. After my brother died, my family self destructed and my parents had a very ugly divorce. I felt like I was the only sane person around. I was the great reconciler. The one who always helped ease the hurt of others and tried to make everyone feel better and help everyone get along. I bore everyone else’s burdens and as a result neglected my own. I did not realize for years how unhealthy that had made me.

And that has caused me a lot of grief in the long run. You are responsible for YOU. Other adult are responsible for themselves. They need take responsibility for their own healing and making their own healthy decisions, and they have to bear the brunt of poor decisions. YOU are not responsible for the happiness of other adults. Do not become an “enabler” that is the only responsible party. Sure, as fmily you are all in this together, but if they are not pulling their own emotional weight, which includes grieving and moving forward in a healthy way, you cannot bear it for them. As a young man, you should not feel like you are keeping the family boat afloat. You are at a time now where you need to be building your own foundation for your own life. I am not saying you should not help your family. You should. But they need to carry their own baggage. If you don’t let them bear the weight of their own burdens, they soon will become weaker and weaker and you will be burned out. Not good for anyone involved.

I haven’t lost a sibling, but I did lose my father when I was about your age, and it’s natural to still be hurting. I can say that the death of a parent does get better with time, but it might be a lot of time, and even years later there may be moments when you feel regret or pain. Typically I’ve read that grief a few months later isn’t necessarily a cause for concern (unless you’re letting a lot of things in your life go because of it) but since your mother is ailing I’d suggest looking into some kind of counseling or support to help you; that’s a lot of pain to go through in such a short period of time.

I’m very sorry that you’re having to deal with all of this, and I will be thinking of you and hoping you may find the strength to endure, and healing with time.

Yes I have.

In 1971 my oldest sister was killed in a car crash. She was 17 at the time and just about to embark on her senior year in high school. I was only two years old at the time. I have spent many years feeling angry that I never got to know her. My parents and other siblings (all much older than me) still feel the grief of losing her but at least they had the pleasure of knowing her and what she was like. I am forever in a sort of limbo knowing I had another sister yet in my world it’s like she never really existed because I can’t remember her. Oddly enough I remember my first pet rabbit, who I am told was a gift from my deceased sister, she apparently drove me out to a farm to pick it out. How can I remember this gift and not remember her? Weird. And sad. :frowning:

My younger brother died suddenly a little over two years ago. He was only 38.
Yes, it’s perfectly normal to still feel as if your heart has been ripped from your body after three months. You will reach a time when you remember your sister with a smile rather than tears.
It gets easier. It just takes time. I know that sounds cliche, but it is true. For me personally, it always feels as if something is missing, but it isn’t emotionally crippling the way it was at first.

On January 25th, I learned that one of my sisters was wanted by the SLC police for questioning in regards to a homicide. I haven’t talked to this sister for quite some time, but several weeks previously had realized I was ready to start up communications again. About three hours later, I learned that she and her current boyfriend had been killed in a police shootout in Kansas.

I was numb and disbelieving. Once the numbness wore off, the pain set in. I come from a very law-abiding family, and our mother was in law enforcement for most of my childhood and teen years. I lost my sister, and I also began learning what it feels like to be a sister of someone who could participate in murdering an old man who had not only harmed no one, but who was a WWII hero.

It’s April now. It still hurts. It’s not a constant pain, but every now and then I’ll just start crying for no reason. My mom was here last week, and out of the blue she handed me a framed picture of my sister kissing her little daughter, and I started bawling. I know it sounds trite. I have found ways to remember my sister as the little girl she was, and the good things she did. I’ve always loved her, even when she hurt me in ways that are almost too terrible to describe, but I hated the choices she made.

It gets better, I promise you. Make sure to be kind to yourself. Remembering your sister in ways that will bring you comfort is a good thing. I hope you’re able to find some peace.

I’ve never lost a sibling, but I agree with Jake. Three months is a very short time in the grief process. You will feel a strong sense of loss for some time. It’s normal and you need to feel it in order to move on.

I’m sorry about your mom. It’s been 8 years for me and it still bothers me.

I also agree with the others that if you feel the need to have your sister with you symbolically, purple anything anywhere will be just as effective as an armband. After all, it wouldn’t have meaning to anyone else anyway. It’s a personal thing. Good luck.

I don’t really know what to say, as I thank diety all the time that my parents are still alive, and my brother (who has a very dangerous job and spends much of each year in war zones).

I always appreciate these threads, as I want to be able to walk down that road some day without feeling like I’m the only one who’s ever done it, you know? I need everyone else’s experience, strength and hope to help me do that.

As for graduation, I would suggest an article of clothing (not on the robe, since I’m sure that’s what they objected to), or a flower lei. My brother wore a full kilt with kit, and it shocked some people, although they were more upset about the sock dagger than they were the “bloke in a dress.”

It’s a lot to deal with at your age (hell, at any age). My best friend’s mom died before meeting her future SIL, without seeing her daughter graduate from nursing school, never know her three grandchildren, etc. It’s been hard but she’s found other “moms” to help her through. My mom & her future MIL helped her dress for her wedding, etc.

Strength and peace to you.

Thank you so very much. I am crying right now (such a macho thing to do, I know) but your words of encouragement really make me feel better.

You want to know something kind of cool? We here in Texas were in a massive drought at the time of my sister’s suicide. I read a blurb about the Hopi Native Americans right before it happened, and it spoke of something about their belief that if a troubled soul dies and it rains within 3 days of their death, they make it to ‘heaven’ or whatever.

I swear to you all it rained the day after almost an inch at my house. It rained for hours and hours it seemed.

I believe it. Very cool indeed.

I have lost my father, three sisters and one brother. As my father was a great deal older than my mom, and they were all “halfs” from an earlier marriage, it was somewhat expected as they all began to reach their 60s and 70s, still it leaves one with an empty feeling every time.

My best to the OP and all others who have experienced this.

Sir Rhosis

Just wanted to add - I was “the strong one” for planning my father’s funeral, and I think trying to stick to that slowed my recovery from grief. As someone else said, you can’t shoulder burdens all the time.

Definitely go through the graduation ceremony - your sister would have wanted that! My father never saw me graduate from college, either. One thing that’s helped me is that you, and everyone who had their lives touched by your sister, hold a little bit of her in your heart. As you go through your life, think about what she meant to you, what you learned from her, and try to spread that through your actions and words. If you keep her alive in that way, she will continue to touch the lives of others.

I’m another who hasn’t lost a sibling, but my mother has lost three. All of them died as adults. The first two were killed on the same day in a boating accident and the third killed herself three years ago.

I don’t think you ever “get over” such things, but after time, the pain lessens. Grief affects each person differently. Don’t feel bad if you have emotions like anger or even relief, because they’re not abnormal.

Don’t be ashamed to seek help if you need it. After losing my aunt to suicide, I found it helpful just to talk about her. Cyberspace is wonderful for that. You can vent all of your emotions freely, but it also helps to talk face-to-face. If you think you need help, seek out a grief counselor. There’s no shame in that. (I had to force my mother to go see one, and I do believe it helped her deal with her guilt and pain.)

I wish you the very best.

Go to the ceremony. Your family will be there, and so will your sister. You’ll probably see her (in your mind’s eye) directly in front of you, more vividly than the rest of the family sitting on the sidelines. And wear a purple armband–but underneath your graduation gown. Invisible to others, but touching yourself. After the ceremony, move the armband outside, so your family’s hugs include your sister.

I have lost two sisters. One was 40 when she died 8 years ago and one was 45 almost 2 years ago. They both died from complications stemming from juvenile diabetes.

They were twins, and I was born on their birthday, 4 years later. We were always lumped together because of the fluke of the Bday (fluke my ass, my mother had me induced!).

Anyway, when the first one died, it was hard. Not because I missed her so much (she had lived far away for most of my HS and college and adult life), but because she was a very difficult person whom we wanted to love, but found it almost impossible to do so. She had some mental health issues, and was very manipulative and devious etc. So, I had to dig down far to find the sister I had known and loved when we were kids, and I grieved that person.

Then, my other sister died, quite suddenly in August of 2004. She and I were quite close. I was and still am devastated. It’s better, sure–but I still cry for “no” reason. I still find things hard–like my daughter doing so well in French that she is tapped to take some exclusive national French exam. This sister was fluent in French and got my kids interested in it. Things like that smack me right across the face. It jars me into the whole finalness of it all, the Big Eraser came and got her and there is nothing I can do.

Such feelings can be overwhelming at times. I can tell you–losing two sibs has changed the way I look at life. I am much more selfish, in terms of doing what I want to do. I don’t waste my time on mutual admiration societies or inane chitchat anymore. I feel full well the ticking of the clock. But I also strive to keep their memories alive (especially with my kids)–doing so keeps a bit of little me, me at 5, 8, 12, 17 alive as well.

sorry to ramble on like this. I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that adjustment does happen. I doubt that anyone “gets over it”. I do believe you can get through it to the other side: the side where memories of her are treasured and her gifts to you are appreciated.
PS-wear something deep purple under your gown. And I second the momento bit.

Ten years ago I lost my brother to a car accident.

Three months is too soon to feel much better. Don’t be surprised if you feel better for a while then feel worse as different anniversaries pass. It’s easier after the first year, once you can stop thinking that one year ago she was here and you were doing this. It will get better. It will get a lot better and you will feel like yourself again.

My brother and his wife had their first child 3 weeks before his death. A lot of my grief was for them, all the joy of having a baby taken away from his wife and his son never knowing his daddy. I felt a lot better once I saw that she was doing OK and having some happy moments in her life.

Go to your graduation, wear the purple armband hidden for the ceremony then put it outside afterward. You’ll be grieving no matter where you are so don’t miss the day you’ve worked so hard for. Your sister will be there.

If your mother does die try to remember that she will be free of the grief of losing your sister.

I’m sorry if you have to be the strong one for any younger siblings you might have but those are the only people you should have to be strong for. For anyone else, what ** newscrasher** said.

It’s odd, becauase I want to say “No, i haven’t lost a sibling” but I know that I have, because my parents had a child 5 years before having my older brother, but he died after only 2 days. None of us kids ever met him, and he hadn’t lived long enough to leave any mementos or anything - there’s not much trace of him. I don’t even know if my parents have a picture - he would have been all tied up to tubes and machines for his entire painful life. My brother tells people he has 3 siblings, one deceased, but I and my sister say we have 2. My brother shares his middle names with that first child, so I guess that’s a deeper connection. It’s hard to grieve someone you’ve never met, but I do think of him sometimes, and wonder what he would have been like. It’s kind of academic, though, you know?

My husband’s mother died when he was only 4, and he doesn’t remember her, but he’s always been close to his mother’s family. At our wedding, everyone was invited, of course, and I felt so sad that I had never met the mother of my husband! I wished so hard that she could have been there! Then, a strange thing happened…

Our flower girl, a fairly timid 6 year old, didn’t remember to toss rose petals until the very end of the aisle, and the handful she did toss landed on the empty chair next to my father-in-law (to be!) I don’t know why no one had sat there when they were being seated, but that’s just the way it was. So we ended up with my husband’s family, and an empty aisle seat beside his dad, decorated with rose petals. After the ceremony, my FIL was crying, as he was thinking about his first wife, and everyone around him said “but she WAS there! In that chair!”

It was an odd moment, but it just made so much sense.

Wear purple to your ceremony. Your school may have said no, but who cares? Slip it onto your arm just as you are going onto the stage - people do all kinds of weird things on stage as they graduate - it’s not like they can expell you or anything! Honour your sister, and trust me, she’ll be there for you!

Your OP brought tears to my eyes. I’ve never lost a siblnig (I’m an only child) but my heart goes out to you. Everybody is giving good advice, give yourself time to heal, don’t rush it, and for sure bring something of your sister’s to the graduation. Can you wear the armband under your shirt maybe? I think it’s terrible of them to say no…who cares if all the pictures are perfect or whatever they want? I’m really sorry.