Anyone want to talk divorce?

[eleanorigby]

@Dinsdale

Well, not going to go into it in much detail right now, but after another lengthy discussion this a.m. I cancelled my appt with my lawyer scheduled for this a.m. We’ll see if we can salvage something. But I was afraid once I started paying money - getting a lawyer, moving out, who knows what else - I would pretty much ensure that we would end up at one conclusion.

To my lawyer’s credit he said my cancelling made his day - which I though nice.

Sorry if I’m a drama queen here with all my personal problems large and/or small. Thanks for all your thoughts. They have been helpful.

Welcome to my world. I have said on the Dope any number of times that This Is It. And the Dope, to its eternal credit has rallied around me and said nice things and listened, and yet the big D still has not happened.

Inertia, fear, status quo, life’s busyness are all “reasons”, I suppose. I am angling for a FT job, which will most likely show me that I can survive without his income, but it will also give me more power in the current “meh” relationship. Income is something he understands and respects; desires to stay home and invest oneself in one’s children, not so much. (I truly do not mean that bitchy; he has never recognized what a SAHM does all day, and he often expresses resentment that I get to stay home–I work PT right now).

We go along ok and things are either pleasant or quiet. And then Something Bad happens: he is critical of my choices or tells me that he never agreed with what we did 5 years ago (on something that he had plenty of sayso on, but never opened his mouth) or he comes down hard on me for not wanting X in bed or something. And it all goes south. Bouncing back from this shit is harder every time and we just don’t, frankly. Sometimes it’s not him who is doing the criticizing or attacking: I’ll complain about his spending habits or bitch about his mother and again, we go to the bad place. We’ve been to counseling (he went twice; I went for a number of years). We know how to “fight fair”. Neither of us throws stuff or is abusive–it just doesn’t work.

I have (we have) muddled along for a number of years now. I wanted to leave 10 years ago, but found out I was pregnant instead. I can’t say it sucks totally, but it’s no way to spend a life. We will split up, most likely before that 10 year old is out of HS. The good times are neither often enough or enduring enough to stay.

I have found out a lot about myself, not all of it good. I cannot just up and go away from something, I must be going toward something. Perhaps if I get this job, I will find the strength to move on.

I hope you find your way, Dinsdale. I’m stumbling in the dark myself.

@lobotomy

Stated another way, a marriage can survive without love but it can’t survive without respect.

Absolutely.

[Autolycus]

@Dinsdale

I don’t think that’s it. Today’s problems are really not all that different from last decade’s - just I feel we are both a decade more tired of putting up with them.

Told youngest kid we weren’t getting divorced - at least not today - because we couldn’t agree which one of us would get stuck with her! Aren’t I a good dad?

Yes, please try marriage counseling. Hell, if you can afford it I’d throw in individual therapy for both of you as well. It shouldn’t be something to be embarrassed about.

In any case, the absolute worst thing that can happen here is you just passively let things keep on going with no change. Try something to change things, or break clean and hard.