Ah, thank you, I now remember the case, but wouldn’t have recalled that’s what/where he used as his alibi.
If she was already sexually active, you didn’t do anything wrong by giving her the condoms.
Unfortunately, you have no way of proving that to the grandparents. So, sucks to be in that position. I’m sure the teenager will very happily lie to them and pin the blame on you rather than take responsibility for her own “corruption.” (word in quotes to indicate that that’s how the grandparents would view it)
Poor teenage girl. I’ve lived it, it’s awful. 
Well,** Foxy40**, it seems you are right in the thick of it now, aren’t you?
How long before Sally moves in with you?
Because this is what a lot of teens do these days; they fight with their parents, and if they don’t get what they want (deservedly so, or not) they move in with their friends’ families. I’ve seen it more than I’d like, and it’s just another “welcome to 2012, grampa” reality that I think you are setting yourself up for.
Not your fault, but it wouldn’t hurt to prepare for the suggestion that Sally "just can’t live there anymooooore ".
Dr_Doom, I don’t think it’s a “kids these days” thing. My husband is 40 and has two “foster sisters” who wound up living with his family because their families were too fucked up.
Of course in a case like this, it could be serious legal trouble to take the girl in. I get the sense that most teens who move into friends’ houses do so because their parents are neglecting them and are basically fine with someone else taking over all that pesky responsibility of feeding the children, getting them to school, and so on. In this case, the legal guardians are extremely authoritarian and would no doubt object to **Foxy40 **“kidnapping” Sally. Personally, if I were in the situation, I would have some information on emancipation on hand to give to the kid if she asked to stay with me, but I don’t think I’d invite a minor to run away to my house against the will of her lawful caretakers.
NB: This is not in any way legal advice.
I think one could argue successfully that not teaching children about sex and how to stay safe from disease and pregnancy is harming them.
HA! At that age, sex (hormones) are a force of nature.
I’d suggest calling the police to do a wellness check on her if you seriously believe she is suicidal. In most places, the cops can take her to a hospital for a psych eval if there is a concern. CPS wouldn’t be able to move fast enough to check on an urgent concern about suicide.
The thing is, you’re not the parents. They have their reasons. Many parents have religious, cultural, or other reasons for restricting when their child can date, much less have sex.
I’m surprised at the support in this thread for the OP. Is anyone else a parent? I don’t want others talking to my child about sex or religion unless I know the context. It’s not that I’m anti-sex or anything, it’s just that I want the message she gets to be consistent. I don’t want the hyper-conservative Christian telling her she’ll go to hell and I don’t want the uber-liberal swinger telling her that multiple partners can strengthen the relationship. I want her to come to her parents if she has questions. If she asks some other kid’s parent, I hope they tell her to talk to us. I certainly would be upset if I found out someone enabled her to get condoms secretly as was done by the OP.
Our school councilors have informed us before the sex ed is taught and allowed us to view the material. I looked at it because I was concerned it was going to be some sort of scare-tactic abstinence-only education. It wasn’t. I found it fair and it talked about many aspects of sex. If my child wasn’t comfortable talking to me, I would hope that some other parent would tell her to talk to her school councilor who could make that same material available to her.
To the OP, you sound like a good person, but how qualified are you to discuss these matters? Did you go over the different forms of birth control and their failure rates? The different ways that disease can be transmitted? How about the emotional impact? Having responsible sex is not just about wearing a condom. If a child was not comfortable talking to their parents, I would have no problem referring them to the educational material available at our school. If you have reservations about the quality of the material in your school district, you can go to the school and view it yourself.
The grandfather may be a horrible parent or he may be a good parent caught in a horrible situation. I am sure the granddaughter has abandonment issues and daddy issues from the way she was brought up. She needed help from a loving adult, not a pat on the head and a box of condoms. No one wants this girl to end up pregnant at sixteen, but I will bet you the person who wants it least is the grandfather. He didn’t learn about the hazards of teen pregnancy from a tv show or reading statistics, he lived it. If this girl does get pregnant then this man is going to be raising someone else’s child for the second time in his life.
That is one reason he deserved a heads up the first time, as someone upthread put it “It takes a village to raise a child”, and some villagers sneaking around behind the parent’s backs does not help. The fact that you disagree with his parenting style does not give you the right to undermine him.
It would be great if the OP could sit down with the grandparents and try to explain that she did what she did out of love and concern. But she and her daughter has given the grandfather reason to not trust them. Everyone involved is trying to make the best of a bad situation. I understand why the OP did what she did, but I don’t agree with it. I don’t agree with what I have heard about the grandfather doing either but that is his family and he will have to deal with what happens for the rest of his life.
Apparently he didn’t learn about it, period, because he chose to ignore the situation, and refused to address the matter until it was too late. Now his granddaughter is suicidal, and he’s brushing it off?
Whether Foxy was right or wrong, at least she showed more concern for the girl’s welfare than her grandparents did.
Yes, he claimed he was hiking the trail and was out of contact when he was actually flying down to Brazil.
I confess to having forgotten the guy’s name - but not the trail, since my wife hiked a bunch of it when she graduated from college.
I was just about to say someone should publish a list of Republican sex scandals - but then figured they had. Here is just one of the many sites about them I found. Busy little beavers aren’t they?
Foxy40, on behalf of mothers like me, I want to thank you for what you have done.
No kid wants to talk to their parents about sex. Don’t get me wrong, we talk about it in my house (they are 7 & 9 so we keep it age appropriate but they know the basics). I plan to keep talking to them even if it makes all of us uncomfortable.
Having an adult who is not yur parents to talk to about sex is invaluable (usually this is an aunt or uncle but you take who ever the kid will listen to).
I honestly don’t want to know when or if my kids have sex. I would prefer it if they wait as long as possible but I don’t get to make that decision, they do. As much as I would like to, they are in control of their bodies.
There is a big difference between telling some other person’s kid it is okay to have sex and dealing with a fait accompli.
I’m surprised at the support in this thread for the OP. Is anyone else a parent? I don’t want others talking to my child about sex or religion unless I know the context. It’s not that I’m anti-sex or anything, it’s just that I want the message she gets to be consistent. I don’t want the hyper-conservative Christian telling her she’ll go to hell and I don’t want the uber-liberal swinger telling her that multiple partners can strengthen the relationship. I want her to come to her parents if she has questions. If she asks some other kid’s parent, I hope they tell her to talk to us. I certainly would be upset if I found out someone enabled her to get condoms secretly as was done by the OP.
[/QUOTE]
And how is permitting her to hear many views keeping her from going to you? I’m an atheist, but I let my kids go to religious groups with their friends, secure in the belief that I taught both of them how to think well enough that they could hear and process and reject the religious propaganda I knew they were getting. I was right. It is different for little kids, but a 16 year old should be able to think for herself. It is basically the same reason freedom of expression trumps censorship like in China.
The kid got an abstinence only education which clearly didn’t work. If she watches any kind of TV or listens to any kind of music or has any large set of friends she’d see all kinds of possibilities, no matter how much the grandparents will try to stop it. If a parent or guardian tries to block a kid from one set of views, the kid is not going to be willing to ask the parent about those views when she runs into them.
I bet neither mother not grandmother had an open discussion about the impact of having babies at 16. So why would Sally listen to them saying it is just wrong?
As for sex ed, recommending a book or web site might be good. But indirectly making condoms available is not the same thing as a pelvic exam.
You’ll know. Maybe not for certain, but if you are as close to your kids as I’m sure you will be at that age, you’ll be pretty sure.
Or you can come up with a condom while using a power snake to clean out the sewer, like we did. No great shock to us, and they’re married now. But making your kid embarrassed is kind of fun.
Better: my parents and I were watching a movie in the living room when my dog barfed up a condom. I blurted out, ‘oh, that’s where that went!’
They were far more annoyed that it could have hurt the dog than that I was having sex, I assure you.
(As a result, I was on poop-scoop duty for 6 weeks. Fun times.)
About the only thing I might have done differently was to simply say that you only got involved after she had started having sex, and then only because she was too afraid of her grandparents to talk to them instead.
And then I’d end the conversation and let them chew on that.
Nothing Foxy40 says to the grandparents will make any difference - that much is obvious from the details we have so far.
I am a parent, and I approve of her message and tactics in dealing with the young lady.
Are you sure? 16 is legal to consent and buy condoms in lots of places.
OP, if the opportunity presents itself, I’d be tempted to say to Sally that I was quite surprised that grandpa thought she didn’t start until she had condoms.
Legally, condoms have no age barrier to purchase in 99.9% of the US.