Appreciating Hospitality

In My Humble Opinion
1

I was brought up with a very formal style of ettiquette which taught that if someone opened their home to you, particularly for a stay of several nights, it was customary and appropriate to present your host/ess with a small gift as a token of appreciation for their hospitality.

Also, barring disability or a sense that it would really make my host/ess upset, I always make myself helpful when I’m a guest. Helping with meals and dishes, keeping things neat or doing little things like collecting the mail or the newspaper just seem the least I can do when someone is being inconvenienced by my presence in their home. (And yes, I firmly recognize that even an invited, very welcome guest can pose some measure of inconvenience.) To me it’s a measure of getting as you give, and vice versa.

Does this still happen? Am I hopelessly out of style?

As you might imagine, this thread is inspired by a recent guest here at Casa de Lewis-Wicks. Despite my current incapacity (bed rest until UnbornBabytlw makes his or her appearance) our visitor seemed to feel that they were staying at a hotel with free meals (with personal waitstaff service) and concierge service and a maid who would magically materialize to deal with the chaos they created. I was pretty shocked, especially since this put a lot of burden on Mr. tlw, who is already stretched further than normal thanks to my confinement. I couldn’t believe that someone could come, stay for five days, never lift a finger to do anything for themselves (let alone to help in general), ask a great deal and leave with a casual “Thanks a bunch.”

How do Dopers show your appreciation for hospitality shown to you? What do Dopers expect from your houseguests?

And most importantly, should I or should I not send our houseguest a box of ExLax laced brownies for being such a doof? :smiley:

2

I was raised to think very much like you regarding gifts, offers of help and whatnot.

I don’t ever expect anything of houseguests, since it seems that those little courtesies are not the norm. Most people don’t even think about them, from what I can tell.

With very close friends and family, we usually expect them to just kind of merge with the household. We anticipate that they will get their own drinks, blend into our routines for meals etc.

When, very rarely, we invite people we don’t know well to stay, we generally make it clear what we will be doing and when. I’ve also noticed that, after a few hours, most houseguests will pick up on what family members are doing and copy them. So, if everyone else clears their place after dinner, guests usually will too.

Your guest sounds extremely thoughtless, especially if you’re flat on your back.

3

I am getting ready for church so I will say that I agree with hyperjes.

I was brought up like the OP.

4

I always bring a small gift of some kind (bottle of wine for those who enjoy it, flowers, etc.) whenever we’re invited somewhere. And I call or send a thank you note afterwards. And since my children were old enough to write, I’ve had them write thank you notes, too. And when we stay over, we always try to make ourselves useful. I can’t believe someone would take advantage of your hospitality–especially when you’re confined to bed rest! How outrageousely rude!

5

When I’m visiting my family, I take care of my own dishes, towels, make my own bed, etc. I don’t leave them gifts but I always let them know that I appreciate staying there.

If I were visiting a SO, same as above.

When I visit my best friend (usually about once a year, for a few days) I leave her a “Thanks for the hospitality” type card a nice bag of chocolates. She always seems delighted that I leave her chocolate. I did the same for a Doper whose family was nice enough to open their home to me during a Dopefest.

I always pick up after myself, and I think if you’re on more formal terms with your host/ess, you should leave some little token of appreciation.

tlw, your guest was unbelievably rude, especially considering your bed rest restrictions. You’re probably too classy to send the ex-lax laced brownies, but I think you’d be justified if you did so anyway. :smiley:

I don’t expect any guest of mine to leave me a token of appreciation, just put your dishes in the dishwasher and say thanks when you leave.

6

Would it be possible to ask them? Nothing too pushy, but “BTW, could you give us a hand with x?” It’s possible there are nice people who are just ignorant/thoughtless/poilte by other rules, who aren’t sure what to help with and what not.

If they say “Hell no, I’m a guest.” then just get rid of them! :slight_smile:

7

I’ve allowed myself a “thinking space” after reading the OP about an hour ago. It’s a difficult issue to wrestle down with any one convincing answer, but I’ll give it a shot.

My observations since childhood, and having been in many situations on both sides of the hospitality question (host and guest), lead me to think this is pretty much a “by household” thing. It’s not so much a generation, a family (in the larger sense than one household), a region, a “class,” or any other broader grouping than one household, thing. However the leaders of that household (typically parents) choose to train the members in matters of etiquette, manners, protocols, and such, that’s how those members will tend to behave in future situations.

In my own case, my parents insisted on meals together at the table, with everyone taking dishes to the sink afterwards. We didn’t do much visiting in other homes as kids, so we never had the things about gifts to the host(ess) or other niceties along those lines. We were taught to eat with one hand and the other in our lap, not to slurp, not to talk with our mouths full, and other table manners. There were courtesies in address like “Yes, Ma’am” and “No, Sir” and such.

My children, on other hand, weren’t given as careful a dosage of manners. We had occasional meals at the table (mostly special occasion stuff) but most often we were eating out of our laps or off a TV tray in front of the tube or off somewhere focusing on something else. I do believe that by the time they were grown, my kids had been informed of the same basic table etiquette that I was, but just hadn’t had to apply that etiquette as regularly as I did at the younger age.

And when I visited other kids my age, I noted behaviors all over the map in terms of politeness, helpfulness, respect, and all that.

So, my conclusion is that it’s quite possible the rude guest was just ignorant of the common courtesies and may have no clue that such things are expected. If you have evidence otherwise, tlw, by all means act on it. But if there’s a chance this person was just “in the dark” about such things, send those brownies to their parents!

8

Whenever I stay with someone else as a guest (and here I’m talking about a planned visit, not an impromptu “crashing on the couch” situation), I make it a point to bring a small gift, and take my hosts out for a meal to thank them for their hospitality and generosity.

I also try to keep my personal stuff cleaned up, help out with some of the extra housework (or at least offer to help), and try to make my presence as minimal as possible.

I’ve spent enough time at other people’s houses to know that no matter how welcome I am, I’m still imposing on my hosts. I was raised to make that imposition as small as possible.

Robin

9

I don’t often have houseguests. I have a one-bedroom apartment, so when people spend the night it’s usually a “crash on the sofa” sort of thing. (Except I don’t have any furniture, so it’s actually an “inflate the mattress” sort of thing.)

My dad had some houseguests. Occasionally someone would get stranded because of weather conditions when he was living at a remote desert airport, and he’d invite them to stay. (I got a ride in an old J-3 Cub out of it once. :slight_smile: ) Dad would pay for the meals and take care of the guests’ other needs. The guests would offer to help out, but dad wouldn’t hear of it. But I did get that ride.

I’ve found that on the very rare occasions when I have a houseguest, I operate in much the same way. When I stay at someone’s home, I usually buy the meals when we go out. I go to my best friend’s place a couple/few times a year, and I’ll help out when there’s stuff to be done. For example, when I was up there last winter he wanted to burn some brush. I helped with the cutting, gathering, firewatch, etc. I’ll also pay for some meals, but it seems that we end up trading off.

But then there’s BeelzeBob. He was my first friend when we came back from Japan when I was four years old. If I met him today I would have nothing to do with him. He’ll ask to crash at my place for a night, and stretch it for as long as he can. The last time he came “for a couple of days” I woke up to find him and some crack-ho’ asleep on the living room floor.

Imprimis: A guest does not invite another guest, especially if the other is unknown to the host. Secondly, when the host makes it clear to the guest that this secondary guest is not welcome, the guest should get her away ASAP. (The Host being to polite to boot someone out, see. I’ll have to work on saying, “No.”)

Not only did BeelzeBob bring a rather unsavory person into my home, he claimed he had “brought her for me, but they didn’t want to wake me up.” Okay, it’s true that I’m the most inept person on the planet when it comes to meeting women; but I do have some standards. I’m not interested in some skank he picked up at a crack house! This person slept through that Saturday and didn’t wake up until Sunday. I was a bit ticked. Not only that, but they somehow managed to clog my bathtub. I think they were doing a bit of shaving or something (if you know what I mean). I had to bail the full tub out with a coffee can, and then I nearly had to get a plumber to unclog it when the drain cleaners and plunging I used didn’t work. (Eventually one did – after a few hours.) I also found that my dental pick had been broken, and that they had drunk my Stoli (which I had had in the freezer and had not even opened.) I tried to find an old, broken Bulova watch that I had lying around, and I couldn’t find it. It’s entirely possible that I had put it in a box somewhere and “lost” it; but I have a suspicion that it made its way into the secondary-guest’s handbag.

Needless to say, BeelzeBob is not welcome here anymore.

10

I’ve never brought gifts – I have paid for meals out, however, which in my mind is a gift of sorts – but I DO try not to be annoying as a houseguest. Finding out little stuff like where the glasses are so I can get myself a drink without bugging my hosts seems obvious and easy enough. And I have never been taken up on what is a GENUINE offer to help with dishes, but I do try. I also don’t clutter up other people’s houses (except maybe the room I’m staying in, even then I do my best to keep it under control) nor do I expect them to change their daily routines (within reason, of course, since they DO have a houseguest) just because of me.

11

I had the same kind of upbringing as the OP.

When I am a guest in someone’s home, I and my family clean up after ourselves, pitch in with any cooking, or pay for meals. This applies whether we are overnight or just one day visit guests. If they are people we don’t know extremely well, we always arrive with flowers, a bottle of wine, or whatever gift we feel they may appreciate. However, it is rare for us to visit someone we don’t know well.

Within our own home, we don’t EXPECT our guests to do any of the above, but most do. With very close friends and family, everyone just blends in and pitches in wherever needed. We do the same at their homes. Our friends and family feel welcome in our home and have no problem with serving themselves a drink or grabbing a bite to eat. They all know where everything is located and they all know they are welcome to whatever they need to make their visit or stay pleasant to them.