The “beer and pizza for moving” thread got me thinking about something. When I was younger, if I stayed at a friend’s house for a weekend, I might bring a bottle of wine (or, in one regrettable incident, make them dinner–in retrospect I think I left a big mess in their kitchen, and am ashamed about it).
Last year, we invited some friends to stay at our house when they’d be in town for the weekend. We expected nothing, and got:
-Three books for our daughter
-A couple of bottles of wine
-A toy or two for the kid
-Taken out to dinner
It helps that the friends own a bookstore, but still, it seemed amazingly generous to me.
Thinking that might be the norm, when we stayed with some friends for a weekend when another friend was getting married, we took them out to dinner at a semi-expensive restaurant (the two of them and their kid contributed about $60 to the bill, I think). They didn’t seem to realize we were picking up the check, though, and when I clarified, the guy looked at me and said, “but that’s insane,” and I had to insist a bit before he let me get it.
So, the question: if you’re staying with someone for a weekend–let’s say a friend, not a family member–is there a certain accepted protocol for thanks?
This is probably different to what you do, I’m pretty young (17) and I stay over my friends houses a lot. We usually just bring food or some other treats.
For me, it depends on how well I know the people.
I have close friends flying in at the end of September, staying with me for a week. I expect nothing more than their company.
Years ago, a good friend of mine got married, and asked if some friends of hers who were coming in from Europe could stay at my house. I said yes. I got several bottles of wine, vodka and other liqueurs out of the deal.
It depends on how long you stay. When my parents were capable of putting me up for a week or so, I made sure to take them out to a nice place to eat. I also bought groceries for all of us, and I cooked several meals. But I spent some of my teenage years in that house, so I knew my way around the kitchen.
The groceries I bought included little luxury items that I knew they both enjoyed, like jars of artichoke hearts and amaretto.
When I worked for a consulting company this was actually enumerated in the travel expense policy. IIRC if you were staying at friends/relatives in lieu of a normally-expensed hotel, you were entitled to expense some small extra per diem amount as well as treating your host to one meal out at a mid-range restaurant if the stay was longer than a certain amount of time.
Unfortunately I do not work there any more, otherwise I’d look up the exact details.
You treat your host family to a restaurant meal if you can swing it.
I have a volunteer hobby that causes me and my friends to travel a lot. To keep costs down (because it’s a hobby and not a paying job) we regularly stay at the homes of friends or sometimes even strangers who are into the same hobby. Usually, dinner is provided for us, so there is not an opportunity to buy the hosts a meal, but we do often buy a bottle of wine, a massive bunch of blossoms, a regional treat, or contribute to breakfast with muffins or some such. And we also do our best to be good guests by not dawdling in the bathroom and cleaning up after ourselves.
If I stay with someone for a weekend, I’ll be arranging to take them out for a meal and usually bring a bottle of wine or spirits or whatever they enjoy. When friends come to stay with me, that’s usually the rule we observe.
For a longer stay than a weekend, it’s usually a meal + a gift of some kind–a giftcard, a vase with flowers, a new book or DVD or something. And so on.
Well the traditional thing is to bring a ‘hostess gift’ which you give to the hostess. If you’re visiting a man (or men) I guess one of them gets to be hostess for a day.
Typical hostess gifts would be a basket with a nice loaf of bread, some jams, cheese, etc. Or perhaps a pair of nice hand towels with a selection of hand milled soaps.
Of course, these gifts assume certain things about your hostess, like she’s not on a low carb diet, or she has no allergies to scented items.
So, really, something that you know your host(es) will like is great I think - books if they like to read, wine if they like wine, some nice writing paper if they’re old fogies like me who still like to write actual letters.
Failing all that, taking them out for a nice dinner is great too.
Also, when you leave strip the bed of your dirty linens and fold them neatly. Pull up the cover on the bed and arrange the pillows so it looks made and then stack your dirty linens on the foot of the bed or a chair if there’s one handy. Then the room looks presentable when your host walks by and they don’t have to strip the bed themselves.
There is a family that we are friends with. The 12 pack of Heineken has become the standard way of saying thanks. It simplifies everything.
Can I use your truck because mine has a cover on it and won’t carry XXX ? 12 Pack of Heineken.
Can you help me build this retaining wall ? 12 Pack of Heineken.
Then one time their oldest son was building a koi pond while his Dad was in Iraq. I was to run the electrical line to the pump. I noticed that their outside electrical sockets were just standard sockets, not GFCI (Ground Fault Circuit Interupters) which would keep you from electrocution if you were the conduit to ground. So I replaced the exterior electrical sockets with GFCI sockets. The oldest son did put himself in the position of providing the circuit to ground and the GFCI did its job of cutting the electricity before it could kill him.
I got a 12 pack of Heineken and a “Thanks for saving my son’s life” from his mom.
I worked for a fairly huge company until recently, when my division was spun off as a small company and bought by a European investment firm. Anyways. The huge company did have it written into travel expense rules:
Basically, if you stay at a friend or colleagues house during work travel, official policy was that 1) No, you couldn’t “pay” them for the night but 2) You were expected to buy and present them with a gift. “Acceptable” gifts were a nice bottle of wine, maybe a bouquet of flowers, or treat them to a nice dinner.
I went to California for a week last year and didn’t stay with my friends there but visited them. They were kind enough to spend time with us (I went with other friends who DID stay with them) every day and take us around town.
I repaid them with some nice toys for their kid and a good dinner out. The friends who stayed with them did the same, as well as sending a little “thank you package” a few days after we got home.
As for the OP - that’s awful generous for a weekend’s visit. I wouldn’t expect all that or call it following any rules. They were just extremely grateful.
I think there are more variables here than helping someone move house for a day. For example there is a difference between:
inviting someone to come stay with you versus someone asking to come stay with you
the distance travelled (e.g. having friends from London come up and stay with us in the north of England is different to having friends from New Zealand come stay)
the relationship between the people (e.g. I’d expect immediate family to help out more with the housework than I would expect a distant relation)
the length of the stay
activities during the stay (e.g. taking someone sightseeing around your area versus just hanging out in the backyard and having a bbq)
For a longer stay, I’ll often get a hostess gift in addition – usually something that I notice they’re lacking or similar – that I mail later. For instance, when we stayed at my cousin’s for several days, where we spent a lot of time out on their hillside porch with the great view, I got her a tray in the colors of her kitchen for taking drinks and snacks out to the porch.
I think the answer to this might vary a bit by social class.
In my family, the most common scenario is take host family out to dinner plus bring them a bottle of wine (or bottle of something–when I stayed with my great aunt, I got her a bottle of artisanal olive oil, and when my cousin stayed with my parents she brought them artisinal olive oil and vinegar). Judging by all the responses above, this seems fairly typical.
If you can afford it, taking them out to eat is nice because then nobody has to cook and you can all just enjoy each others company.
If you’re staying with friends because you really can’t afford a motel room, then you can repay the kindness by helping to clean the kitchen etc. Little chores around the house that help the hosts but don’t change their way of doing things. (Like “help” so much that they wish you would just quit rearranging the pantry lol.)
And I really liked the previous post that suggested stipping the bed and then pulling up the cover etc. so as to be presentable. That way the hosts don’t feel like they have to clean the room immediately, as soon as you walk out the door.
I think this may be a cultural thing. My family is mostly Cajun. Our unspoken rule is: “What comes around goes around.” I’ve never and nobody in my family has ever expected anything for a stay at one’s own homes. Because chances are, tonight they stay at your house, 4 months from now you might stay at their house.
And forget about going out to eat. Cajuns LOVE to cook for people.
At the risk of sounding slightly misogynistic. When the women folk in my family stay at my house, they get this uncontrollable urge to clean. Seriously, you could eat an omelette off the bathroom floor after they leave.
Your weekend couple seems like overkill (maybe not if they’d stayed for the week.) I’d take them out for a meal if possible, or the bottle of wine is good. Plus a thank you note, of course.