On Easter, I attempted suicide, was taken to SF General Hospital Psych Ward*, where I was held for 5 days & approximately 90 minutes.
While there, my chronic, recurring yeast infection decided to bloom in fill force, they gave me some powder, but it didn’t help much. Over the weekend at home, the rash became painful and the usual OTC treatments were not working, becoming worried that mindworms might appear soon I called my dermatologist and now have meds for that. I now understand the phrase “pouring salt on a wound” because Epsom salt soaks are put of treatment and that stings like a goddamn motherfucker. It’s still painful.
Because of the above, I’m unable to pay my full rent for April and will have to pay extra for the next 4 months to catch up. Yesterday, I received the expected notice of the yearly rent increase. It’s $19, $7 more than the COLA increase in my benefits.
AND it’s the 15th, we’re only half way thru this fucking month.
Also I upset more people and to a greater degree Than I expected. I was surprised when my casemanger here at the hotel, started to cry. I feel like seven different kinds of assholes
While there were no sadistic nurses or orderlies, they did server us Sweet & Sour Tofu.
I know life can suck. I know it. It can also not suck. I don’t know about San Francisco but here, after a cold, hard winter the grass is amazingly green, redbud and dogwood trees are in bloom and and …
Please don’t kill yourself. Please don’t. I miss my brother so much. It’s been 28 years and I still miss him so much. I want to know why and and and is there something, is there something I could have said, something I could have done …
Please, please don’t.
Thank you for getting help. Thank you for sharing your pain. It’s what we’re here for. Thank you for upsetting people. Upset some more. They’ll get over it. They’ll accommodate it. I promise you. Please keep on.
You’ve already made it through a lot more than you thought you could a week ago. Five days in SF General with sweet and sour tofu proves you have strengths you were doubting you had. The fact that you pissed some people off is actually a good thing - you’re fighting it, not just rolling over and taking whatever shit April hands you. Take care of yourself first; you’ll have time to mend things with people later, and they’ll either be understanding, or they’re assholes not worth your time.
Keep on posting. I’m a former SF’er, and I like your posts. They often give me a connection to my old home.
I’m very sorry to hear this Foggy. The dark night of the soul is hard to go through. Having been through it before, and going through it again now, I wish I had some words of wisdom. Be strong. I know it’s trite but it’s all we have as human beings.
I am glad you are out of the hospital. They are not nice places to be. We go through the hardest times of our lives, only to be put in a place that is like jail. Think of how strong you have been to get through both of these tribulations. When I got out of the hospital, I remember how good food tasted, how the air outside felt cleaner, how if I wanted to walk down the street, I could do that. Enjoy the small things that you didn’t have in the hospital.
I hope you will not hurt yourself again. Stay in touch with us please.
Hugs, Foggy. I know what you’re talking about. It’s a regular struggle for me, too. It’s amazing the anger and recrimination one can face if one even expresses thoughts like you have, let alone an attempt. The best thoughts I can offer is to try to treat your life as an adventure, step back a bit and see yourself as a person in a good story, and go from there. It’s difficult if you think your existence is causing others to have pain or burden, but your non-existence will do that, too. A good friend of mine died by his (probable) intentional actions a few years ago, and the recurrent theme was anger. His aged parents (who hadn’t even met us, just saw us as frequent contacts on his phone and heard him speak of us highly) showed up at our house soon after, trying to figure out what went wrong, and even (in their grief) tried to delicately shift some blame to us. These things, although painful to think about, have a good chance of happening.
Take care of yourself. Make a bucket list. Have you done/seen everything you’ve wanted to?
I’m very sorry. Come post on this thread if you want to vent some more.
I’m sorry to pry, but your suicide attempt- what was the motivation behind it? I don’t know you so I’m sorry if it was already discussed. Do you also suffer from depression?
There is a good life out there that you deserve. Making that life may take longer than you would like, but don’t give in. Please get some qualified help. Things can be different.
