Easy answer is that it depends. On the friend. On the ex. On your relationship with both.
I wouldn’t mess with a friend’s ex unless there was some serious chemistry and it wasn’t that good of a friend.
I’ve passed on several ladies because of friendships, but I have the good fortune to have long standing friendships (20 years and I’m 30) so it wasn’t worth it to me.
And so I’ll ask again, why? What’s the harm?
Diana,
With all due respect, maybe its a guy thing and we’ll leave it at that.
Mangosteen,
With all due respect, if you can’t explain it, that’s probably because you realize you’re being ridiculous.
Seriously, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask you explain exactly how this friend you haven’t seen in eight years dating a girl you don’t care about is a profound betrayal. Kid, it ain’t always about you.
…but you couldn’t be surprised at a party by your friend and ex, because you were in freaking Asia. Sure there are circumstances when it’s kind of a dick move to date a friends ex. If she broke your heart earlier that week its pretty insensitive for him to show up with her at a party you’d be at, for instance. But the “rule” referred to really only applies in very limited circumstances like these. The basic principle isn’t “guys don’t date their friend’s exes,” it’s “guys don’t hang out with people that were jerks to their friends.” But she wasn’t a jerk to you. Not only did you seem to break up amicably, but you were out of the country for 8 years.
Frankly, I’d refer you to another guy rule that basically says “Guys don’t act like catty bitches to each other” and suggest you get over it.
Maybe it should be a bit more about your ex. Did you even think about her motivations? Did you consider what she may have needed? Had you thought that while you were living it up, she may have been hurting? Did you consider that maybe while you were drinking out of buckets in Bangkok, she might have still been crying? Did you think that maybe your friend was the one who held her, who helped her get back on her feet? Did you consider that after an abortion that young, she might have felt like she lost some of her sexuality? Maybe your friend was the one who helped her build her ego back up, so that she was in shape to take hold of her life the way you did?
It doesn’t sound like you considered this. Because all you seem to care about here is YOU. You think this whole situation should be the big Mangosteen show, even when you are not even physically present to play a part in it. Do you care if it made your ex happy? Do you care if it made your friend happy? Were you even thinking about how they might feel as you were off having fun? Why is it so surprising, then, that they were not too worried about what you might feel.
Now I don’t know if that happened or not. Maybe she was fine, and just wanted to hook up with her ex’s cute friend for a bit. The point is that you never even address this. You never consider what anyone besides you might need. You feel like you should be the star of a movie you were not even a part of. You weren’t there, dude. You moved on. THey moved on. You had your adventures and they had theirs. You stopped being anything more than “an old friend who moved to Asia” a few months after you left.
I know it’s a little odd to see how things have changed when you were gone. I left the country for four years, and coming back is a bit like realizing that your parents have turned your bedroom into a den while you were away at college. The truth is that friendships across that distance are of a different quality. You are going to miss out on a lot. People are going to move past you and grow in ways that you are not a part of. That’s the price of adventure.
never mind
“No poaching” means not going after a friend’s current sweetie, not ex. If there’s no current relationship, there’s nothing to poach.
[Missed edit window
One of my mates married an ex girlfriend of mine and I couldn’t have been happier! We split up because she wanted to settle down and have kids and That wasn’t a feature for me. He too wanted to settle down and be a dad and now am a close family friend and we still all meet up for BBQs and birthdays etc and am kinda like an uncle!
Another friend though once turned up with a blind date to me and the girl I was seeing. His date also turned out to be an ex, the trouble was that my new date happened to be her sister. That didnt turn out too well as the reason for split with sister number 1 was similar to the first story and she was concerned that I wasn’t serious with her sister and she was gonna get hurt.
An ex girlfriend of another friend went out of her way to try fuck as many of his friends as possible after their split. But that was obvious from the outset and she didn’t get far at all.
But those stories although a bit extreme are really rare as it seems that in my group we have very different taste in women.
But for me, I wouldn’t date an exes ex no matter whether she was a serious girlfriend or they had a casual on off relationship. If she had been his girlfriend then she would automatically have become a 'mate and buddy" of mine and that would kill any romantic interest permanently.
On the otherhand it really wouldn’t bother me if a friend dated an ex of mine. My friends all know my faults and all so its unlikely they would hear anything new hahaha! And as my friends are really good guys I know the girl would be treated well.
Sounds though from your description of your new wife you in effect traded up. So not only have you won dont you think its a bit of an insult to your wife that you spend any time fretting over a long ago ex
Mango, this whole thing would be easier if you just admitted the situation triggered the caveman values that were instilled in our ancestors thousands of years ago, laughed it off and forgot about it. There’s no way in hell you’re going to convince anybody there isn’t a statute of limitations on the don’t-date-your-buddy’s-ex rule. Yes, of course that applies in the weeks or months (or maybe a year or two) after the break-up, but come on man, 8 years? And for those 8 years, you were in another country getting married?
End the friendship if you want; I’m sure his world would go on turning. But my advice is to go kiss your wife and forget about it.
I didn’t leave for well over a year after the break up.
Within months she had hooked up with another guy. (no problem there!) and seemed quite happy.
I made a point to see her just before I left and specifically asked her how her health was and if the abortion had had any long term negative physical effects and how she was handling things emotionally.
She assured me that she was fine.
Maybe she was lying and was actually a wreck inside, but there was little I could do. Our relationship was over.
My friend was not the only guy in the world that could offer her comfort. She was extremely good looking and had plenty of guys around her.
The friend and I grew up together. We played Army and shot at each other with toy guys. Later camping trips and getting drunk together. He wasn’t my best friend, but he was among a group of ten of us that stuck together from grade school through high school and beyond.
I don’t hate the guy and still consider him a friend. Its just this one thing he did.
So even your imagination is off limits?
I’m not fretting. All of this happened a long time ago and I am over it. I just started this thread to see how other people feel about friends dating their ex’s.
And I did trade up, way up.
If I read the OP correctly…you don’t even have proof or an admission that any of this actually happened. You say you’re over, but your posts certainly give the impression that you are not.
We called it that as a consequence of the history, complications etc. In other words even if the person isn’t still WITH our friend, they’re still “Hers”. Even if not still HERShers. Besides which, we started the saying in HS back in the cough70scoughcough, so it’s not like it’s really applicable to my current lack of a love life. 
Why do you hate your friend? Why do you object to him being happy with someone you were on good terms with, eight years ago?
He’s your friend, he’s presumably happy, be happy for him. 8 years? Sorry, statute of limitations has long ago expired.
Our circle of friends used to run an “exes are off-limits” rule until the relevant friend was in another relationship. There were exceptions - and they were handled by the ancient Danish code of getting roaring drunk, having a less-then-halfhearted fistfight broken up by friends, then shaking as gentlemen. Not very logical, but the matter was settled.
Which was *maybe *date your ex (who you claim not to care about), possibly *years *after you’d broken up and you hadn’t been in either of their lives in a meaningful way.
And so, once more with feeling…
What? Is? The? Harm?
Frankly, if you haven’t seen him in eight years, are you actually still friends? How in touch with him were you during this eight year absence? Lots of calls and e-mails/texts/letters? Or did you check in once or twice a year…or less? With one exception who is worth making an effort to keep in contact with long distance, anyone I haven’t seen or spoke to in five years is a former friend, not a friend.
Don’t defend yourself to people who assume the worst about you and attack you over it. Those people have already demonstrated a morality that is in conflict with the question at hand, since they can’t even handle the basic social skill of assuming good faith.
If you and your friend were in a relationship where it was understood that you don’t date the other’s ex, then, yes, he did wrong. If you were not, he didn’t, as you can’t expect him to know what you expected. As for your ex, it depends on the remaining relationship. If you were friends, it could still be wrong (again assuming she knew what you expected) but if you cut off all contact, then there’s no way she did anything wrong.
Emotionally, your brain doesn’t always make the distinction between former and present lovers. It’s part of the human condition. It is 100% okay for you not to like that it happened. And if one of them knew you wouldn’t like it, and did it anyways, it’s okay for you to view that person as having hurt you. When it comes to how you feel about the situation, it is all about you. Who else could it be about?
As for how I feel–it’s never happened to me. I have very few exes that I have kept in contact with. The only exception has only dated people I didn’t know–and while it was awkward at first, I did become friends with those people.
I do know that, if I did feel hurt, I would eventually forgive. And I do know that, if my friend asked me not to be involved with someone, I wouldn’t do it either without knowing I was giving up the friendship. And, in general, I don’t give up friendships.