Rectified?!?
Dern near killed her!!!
Best wishes,
hh
I’ll remember that the next time we get the Picture/avatar/whatever threads in ATMB. Wanna bet people will suddenly change their tune, since there’s no MAN they can call a sexist?
Face it, people use emotional reasoning all the time here. The logic comes in after the decision has been made. Heck, that’s about half the people in this thread.
Clearly this is an ex-friend, because he doesn’t even know the guy well enough anymore to know who he was dating!
What? You mean, when we find out that people are really male we won’t call them sexist, even though nothing in that post was about sexism? Or… what? What on earth is that about? Was that English?
I’ve been thinking about this, and I think I figured out what is bothering me about the situation.
Where were you when all this was happening? What exactly were you doing during the period of time they were dating? On a beach in Vietnam? Watching a Bangkok ping-pong show? Climbing the Himalayas? Courting your current “trade-up” wife?
Let’s face it- the one thing you probably were not doing was giving a fuck about either one of these people. They were not your first consideration, nor did you make decisions based on how it might make them feel. Did you think “Oh, ex girlfriend would feel uncomfortable if she knew I was going to this hostess bar?” Did you ask yourself “Would old friend get jealous if he knew how much time I’m spending with my new buddies?” Of course not! You were living your new life!
If they hadn’t have happened to have bruised your ego, I doubt you’d even be giving them much thought now. Both of these people are just a little side-note to your very full life.
Why would you expect them to feel any differently? Why do you think you deserve to be anything more than a guy they used to know?
You moved on. You left. You got a new life. It sounds like you had great adventures. You found a woman you seem to adore. You’ve lived a life most people can only dream of. Are you really so small that you are going to resent other people who are just trying to do the same?
I mean, picture the absurdity of this…
“Oh baby…you feel so good. You are so sexy. I want you so bad. You know I’ve always had a crush on you”
“Yeah, I’m so glad we’ve gotten closer over the years. Let’s get really close now!”
“Mmm…Oh yeah, baby, take it off…well, wait a minute. Remember Mango?”
“Wait, my high school boyfriend? The guy who didn’t know how to use a condom?”
“Yeah. I think I gotta stop this right now. Man code. I mean, we used to go camping together. We would get drunk with each other. I can’t do this to him”
“Do you even know where the hell he is? I haven’t hear from him for years.”
“Well, Last I heard in 2005, he was in China, getting pretty serious with some Chinese chick. I guess it’s been a while. I’m not really sure…”
“And so this involves us…how? Why is this supposed to keep us from fucking?”
“I’m not really sure.”
“But…I mean, why the hell would he even care? He’s been over me for ages”
“Sorry, that’s just how things are. My first allegiance is to anyone with a dick, no matter how tenuous our friendship. You wouldn’t understand, it’s a man thing. See ya!”
“…”
Meanwhile, Mango is on a beach, getting a topless massage. A vague smile plays across his lips. It’s almost as if he knows that on the other side of the world, people he hasn’t really thought about for most of a decade are still making him the number one priority in their love lives. Except, of course, he doesn’t know this. He’s thinking about a sweet Laotian girl he met in a hostel, how much fun he had in Cambodia, and if the next beer he orders is going to be cold.
Even Sven wins.
Brilliant…
What’s the big deal dude? You’re Eskimo Brothers now! That isn’t a thing to fear, it’s a thing to be embraced. I mean, how do you even get anything done without a network of Eskimo Brothers?
Dude. It’s not like she’s your ex-wife. She’s an ex-girlfriend…a teenager you were dating. And it sounds like they didn’t date very long while you were wandering the world. Five years after you two have broken up (all conjecture, you don’t even know) they run into each other and she says, Hey, didn’t you used to hang out with Mango and he says yes and they start talking and then go out to dinner and a movie and date for a few months, then go their separate ways…and you get your feelings hurt about it three years later? Please…
Think about it this way… do you want to be the bad guy in their love story?
No. You really are being silly about this. If he started fucking her a week or month after some long, heart-wrenching breakup, where you were an emotional wreck, I could see your point. Hell, I’d want to punch the guy in the nose, myself. But eight freaking years? WTF? Do you realize how completely ridiculous this sounds? If not, re-read even sven’s post. Plus you’re happily married to a lovely woman, why does this even bother you at all?
Uh, WTF? Myself, I’m infinitely more intimate (both on the physical and the emotional level) with my wife, who was my girlfriend for several years and then my live-in girlfriend for even longer before we got married some time back in the Bronze age, than with any guy I’ve been getting drunk with, camping with, doing military service with, bullshitted with, etcetera, etcetera. Friends come and go, but my spouse doesn’t. Either I’m being whooshed here, or somebody has radically different priorities than I have.
And to the OP: Get a life. You have no claim to your ex-GF’s romantic life, and you have no claim to your friend’s romantic life.
Emotional immaturity and narcissism are, in fact, part of the human condition. That doesn’t mean they must be indulged.
Except that he’s not really asking if it’s okay to feel hurt about it, in which case I would have said “Well, it’s okay to feel how you feel, but I do think it’s a little silly and I wouldn’t make a thing of it.”
He specifically mentioned that he thought their actions were “low”, and asked whether we agreed. I don’t. He was half a world away giving them not a thought. They owed him nothing.
I’m really not sure what you’re on about here, but if you think my answer to him would be different if the genders were reversed, you’re mistaken.
I’m a guy. Many posters who disagree with you are guys. It’s not a guy thing. It’s a Mangosteen thing.
Other posters: Is it me or does “with all due respect” nearly always carry a connotation of clenched-through-teeth contempt?
Of course. If it weren’t, you’d say “Respectfully”. Instead, you’re saying “With all the respect you’re due”, the implication being “which is of course none.”
Mangosteen writes:
> Girls come and go, but long term guy friends don’t.
So this is really your problem. Being in love with a women really isn’t anything major to you. If you break up with one of them, you’ll just find another one. The thing that really matters to you is friendship with other men. You think that friendships with men are supposed to last forever, while you don’t know if any relationship with a woman will last that long. Do you tell your wife this? “Hey, I suppose I love you, but if it doesn’t work out, I’ll get over it. On the other hand, I expect my male friendships to last forever.”
I don’t normally find myself drawn to post in relationship threads, but clearly it’s a slow evening at Chez Dervorin, and I’m sufficiently riled by this to make the following comment:
Mangosteen, you’re giving the impression of being a mysogynistic, self-centred, controlling, egomaniacal asshole, and each statement you make merely reinforces that impression. I entirely agree with everyone who disagrees with you, and while I won’t repeat things that have been said better than I could possibly say them, there are a couple of things I’d like to add. (Aren’t pile-ons lovely, kids?)
From the very first post, it’s clear that this guy isn’t a terribly close friend of yours, since you couldn’t even be bothered to ask him, man to (pardon me for snickering) man, whether this was actually true or not, and you’d rather judge him for acting in a fashion that you considered “low” without even having the basic decency to find out the validity of that judgement. So why is what a casual friend does such a deep betrayal of your principles? Does this not conform to your Neolithic caveman stereotype of manhood, masculinity and male friendship? Poor widdle you.
I’m glad you think that you traded up, way up, when you married your wife, and I’m sure that gives you and your buddies plenty to discuss when you sit behind the woodshed and trade points on how hot your wives are. Just you and the boys, because that’s what you really are. Grow up, for crying out loud. You left. For 8 years. You got married. He didn’t do anything even slightly wrong, assuming that something happened in the first place, since we don’t have confirmation of that.
I really, really hope that your ex thinks she “traded up, way up”, when she was finally rid of you, and that she comes around and tells you that. Wishful thinking, I know, but it would be so sweet to see you on the other end of the judgements you so freely sling around.
And don’t hide behind the “it’s a man thing” defence; I’m a man, and if an ex of mine wanted to date my friend, I’d be happy for them. Maybe it wouldn’t be the most comfortable for a while, but the point of being adult is getting past that and working it out. And if it means the cooling off of a friendship, then I think that’s a small price to pay, so long as they’re happy. I’d rather be happy for them than desperately hang on to some half-baked dogma about what friends should and shouldn’t do.
Oh, and while I’m at it: I might be reading this wrong, but it seems that you couldn’t resist tossing in a quick line about your sexual prowess in the middle of all this. Congrats on your endurance.
I’d have said something like “We had an accident with a condom, as sometimes happens”, but no, you couldn’t turn down the chance to boast. I do love the sound of pointless chest-thumping early in the morning. If I got this wrong, I… well, I don’t apologise, but I stand corrected.
Hiding it is potentially a bit dishonest, but it sounds like even if he’d wanted to tell you he couldnt have.
Timelines would change this a bit, if it happened a week after you were gone Id kind of see your point , but talk about let it go, its 8 year old history now. You left with no expected return date and people moved on with their lives.
Otara
Ultimately though, you didn’t care enough about either of these people to even be aware of this activity 8 yrs ago. To discover it, after all these years, and throw a snit is the very height of immaturity.