I know I am. A old friend of mine who’s been paired-up with another old friend for as long as I’ve known her, but has ultimately broke off with him because he is by all accounts, a total dick-- (enough so that I severed all ties with him some time before she did, mostly based on how poorly he treated her,) recently dropped by for tea.
When I made some remark about not knowing what was appropriate to say about the situation, she replied “At this point, Larry, you’re allowed to say anything you want to. Really. Anything.”
So what did I say? Not a damned thing, apart from “Okay.”
This is a woman that I’ve admired, respected, and yes, lusted after in my heart, for years. Built up a nice wall of denial around it out of bricks of propriety, too. For Christ’s sake, I’ve had “sex dreams” about her that skipped the sex and went straight to the guilt.
Now she says, “Say anything,” and my response is “Would you like some nice pastries? They’re baked fresh!”
Count me in the clueless category. I used to joke that a woman can be butt-naked and riding my face but I’d still not be sure if she was interested.
Mrs. MeanJoe concurs with that opinion about me. She finds it humorous to point out when someone was flirting with me and I’ve remained clueless through out the whole thing.
It is only through sheer dumb luck that I’ve managed to mate at all.
A word of caution, bubba jr about dipping your quill in the company ink: it can get very messy. If I were you, I’d only go for it if I wanted a relationship with this woman. That’s not to say you should know that now; go out on some dates, see how compatible you are. But do NOT have sex with her and then decide you don’t like her that much after all, because things at work will get gross for you and you don’t want that. Take your time, explore the situation, and then if you feel strongly enough, take the proverbial plunge.
As far as fishing in the company pond goes, it really depends on the company climate.
I’ve worked for two smallish companies where it seemed like everyone casually slept with everyone else at some point, and it never seemed to create any serious problems except for that time everyone got chlamydia as a Christmas bonus.
At other places, the rare office romances that happened always seemed to end with a load of tension and ill-feeling, and often forced people to leave.
Look around you. Are most of your coworkers nihilistic hedonists? If so, you’re probably okay.
Yes, we are that oblivious. Given the scenario in the first two paragraphs, I too would have needed the heads-up. No, not even the cookies would have clued me in. I’d have just chalked it up to “nice friendly gesture from a fellow-human”.
But now that you know, you can follow up. Heck, you can do so cautiously and in a low-key manner.
When I look back I shake my head in disbelief at how clueless I’ve been all my adult life. But then I can’t believe how inept the women were, either. I think that’s part of it; if you’re in pursuit of someone, you address them in terms they understand not that which makes sense to you. I’m not expecting an approached to be so off the mark so I’m not looking for it.
Thus, giving me biscuits/cookies means you want to mother me or it just plain confuses me, it absolutely does not tell me you’re ‘interested’ in me.
Really, I/we need the information in a totally direct fashion or I (at least) don’t get it. Maybe I’m a little better at it now , but it’s still no where near what women seem to assume as a level of ‘awareness’.
Re: dating at work… I’ve known a few people who have pulled it off. You do have to be careful though. Basic safety precauions include:
Do not date anyone in the same chain of command as you. Bosses and subordinates–anyone who has formal power over your job, or over whom you have formal power–are right out.
Do not date anyone you work with closely on a day-to-day basis (same work-team, etc). Dating someone in a different department is mostly okay… but see rule 3.
Do not date someone who has power over the progress of some task you must do. You don’t want the expenses administrator mad at you when you submit that mass of overdue expenses from your trip overseas…
Generations after generations of not needing to pick up on women’s subtle clues because it was not up to them to initiate the approach (and often it was your respective fathers who made the choice of who would hook up with whom).
Anyway, many people are that clueless. It seems like she likes you. She even brought you cookies! When added on top of all the other signs, making cookies for you basically means “I want you”.
We’re always a little more clueless when it involves ourselves. That’s why so many people are shocked to find that someone likes them, when all of their friends could totally tell all along.
And in fairness, there is an element of learned behavior here, which is that early in our lives many of us learn to err on the side of caution when interpreting “signals”. Like I mentioned above, many of us have programmed ourselves to have the “Default” interpretation of acts of personal kindness and interest in our lives be “it’s just a nice person being friendly”.
<nods in agreement>
Saves a lot of trouble and embarassment that way. A lot of us guys start out erring on the side of romantic optimism, but, boy, do we learn…
