4) How many times in an average month do you go out for pleasure WITHOUT your spouse? This includes bars, dinner, golf, poker, sporting events (to arenas or just on TV). Maybe 1. My wife takes the kid over to Grandma’s house every so often, and I get the house to myslef, which is almost as good.
5a) How many times in an average month do you go out for pleasure WITH your spouse? Maybe 1.
5b) Of these, how many times does it include friends (not just the 2 of you)? Just about never.
The real issue is that any time I go out with friends, she takes it as a sign that I’d rather be with them than with her. I try to convince her that this isn’t the case, but she just doesn’t buy it. We do alot together, but she thinks that I do it because I have to, and not because I want to. Plus she doesn’t count going out to dinner or staying home watching a movie as being time together. I always ask her what she wants to do. Her response is that she justs wants us to spend time together. But she can never define exactly what that is. As far as I’m concerned, we’re almost always together. Another problem is that my wife doesn’t work, and I’m out of the house ~11 hours a day just for work. I understand that it’s not easy to stay at home watching the baby all day. But I tell her, working isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Suggestion - ignore if you want: You take her out a couple of times a month, at least. You make the plans (movie, dinner, both, bowling - whatever) you arrange for a babysitter. Do it because it is fun and you want to spend time with her.
Do this for 2 - 3 months at least. Then, when you guys have a nice rhythm going, tell her to make plans for Friday for the two of you and that next Thursday you are doing something with the guys. To the extent she wants to discuss, but up front, honest and open - hide nothing. Tell her you love her, you love the time you two spend together and you want to keep doing that. And that you want some guy time, too, and that she can have similar girl time if she wants - you’ll watch the kids.
Make it clear at all times that the relationship comes first, and make sure you can back it up with your actions.
Well, I’m not sure what to say about her insecurity. But I can tell you about a SAHMs perspective, because I am one.
Your wife is probably experiencing some culture shock. Going from working full-time, as I presume she did, to at home with baby can be difficult to get used to, and having your first child is usually something of a shock (number two doesn’t change your life so much). By the end of the day, home can feel quite restrictive, especially if she hasn’t managed to get out of the house somehow or other during the day. This doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to be home; it’s just very different for her–and it’s not really something our society values a lot, so it can make some moms feel like they’ve lost respect or power or autonomy. (Stay-at-home dads often get it even worse, because everyone thinks they must be lazy moochers.)
So, no, watching a video at home together is probably not what she really wants. Going out to dinner with the baby along is also not what she really wants. What I strongly suggest you do is find a good babysitter and start getting out, just the two of you, so that she can get some time that feels like a real break from duty. This is as important for your relationship with her as it is for her relationship with you. (I see above that you’re going on a trip while Baby stays at home, which will probably help a lot–but that might be a long time to be away from the baby if she’s never done it!) Suggestions:
A movie in a theater
Hang out at the bookstore and then get ice cream
Take her on a picnic or a hike
Out to a classy restaurant (unlike somewhere where babies can go)
Walk in the park or downtown
This is often difficult for the working dad, because most guys get home from a long day and just want to relax at home, while the wife is going, “Hey, let’s get outta here and go do something!” Hanging out at home doesn’t feel like relaxation to a SAHP, because the job is home–so you look around the house and notice all the stuff that needs doing, and sure, the baby’s asleep, but that’s not quite the same as being Off Duty.
Good luck. Perhaps if my above suggestions are what she’s looking for, she’ll get less anxious about your guys’ nights out.
1, or less. If I’m going out without here, there’s gotta be a darn good reason not to include her in the festivities.
5a) 8-10 times a month, counting “us alone” and “us with company” situations.
5b) 5-6 times a month, though a lot of times “company” just means extended family members.
As for your situation, I’d say that if she’s upset because you’re going out with your friends, you might want to make an effort to cut down on how often you go out with your friends. Marriage requires changes and compromises, and not all of them will be pleasant for you, but they’re necessary. Just having you there and helping out around the house would go a long way towards showing that you’re still committed to her. And, as WordMan suggests, making some time to go out on your own can do wonders – tough to do with a kid sometimes, but necessary.
two boys, 14 and 4 months, with us all the time, and two girls, 9 and 4, who are with us every weekend (Yours, mine and ours type thing).
none.
5a. maybe once or twice, mostly because of money and the logistics of four kids, especially one very young baby. Often, none at all.
5b. not very often, again, young baby and no money.
How long have you been married? 25 years this month.
Number and ages of your kids, if any. Two adult kids who live in other states
How many times in an average month do you go out for pleasure WITHOUT your spouse? This includes bars, dinner, golf, poker, sporting events (to arenas or just on TV). Almost never (although I’m on the road 12 days/month – so I eat out alone, a lot)
5a) How many times in an average month do you go out for pleasure WITH your spouse?** 12**
5b) Of these, how many times does it include friends (not just the 2 of you)?** 4**
How long have you been married? 6 years this October.
Number and ages of your kids, if any. Just started our family. We have a 2 month old baby girl.
How many times in an average month do you go out for pleasure WITHOUT your spouse? This includes bars, dinner, golf, poker, sporting events (to arenas or just on TV). Never. Not because I couldn’t bear to have fun without her, but because it’s just more fun with her. **
5a) How many times in an average month do you go out for pleasure WITH your spouse? At least twice a week, so probably 8 times a month.**
5b) Of these, how many times does it include friends (not just the 2 of you)?** Maybe one or two. We have a few couple friends, but overall, it’s just too difficult to synch up schedules. Plus, as you married folk already know, trying to find couples where everybody gets along equally is pretty darned difficult.**
How long have you been married? 11 years this past May
Number and ages of your kids, if any One son, Charlie, 6 next week
4a) How many times in an average month do you go out for pleasure WITHOUT your spouse? 1-2, if you are counting going for drinks, dinner, etc. It’s more like 6-8, if you count when I’m out working with my horse which is a pleasure for me, but probably not what you mean
4b)How many times in an average month does your spouse go out for pleasure WITHOUT you? Almost never, it’s very frustrating, maybe once every couple of months he goes out with some people from work
5a) How many times in an average month do you go out for pleasure WITH your spouse? Well, we go out 4-5 times month as a family, maybe once every couple of months without Charlie
5b) Of these, how many times does it include friends (not just the 2 of you)? We have a lot of friends in the area and are always getting together with them, usually whole families, sometimes just the adults.
Less than once a month (you said pleasure, right?)
5a. If we’re talking a date, maybe once. If we’re talking hanging out at Wal-Mart for no reason, probably 10.
5b. Almost never with friends, but we almost always have the squirt with us.
10-20. We both work really late and variable hours during the week, so planning stuff together is usually impossible
5a) 5-10. We usually do stuff together on the weekends
5b) 0-1. Usually just us.
.085 (There’s an annual get together of former employees of an old client I attend.)
5a) .25 (We get out w/o the kids about once a quarter. If we included the kids, the number would skyrocket to .5, since we get out with the kids every couple of months.)
5b) zero, at the moment. (Previously, when we got out more, we went out with couples about one time in four or six.)
If Deb answered, the results would change a bit: 1) Female.
2) Married 21 years.
3) 2: girl, 17; boy, 14. 4) 2 - 3 (More if you consider maintaining her horse as “getting out.” Both her workplace and the barn where she boards her horse have routine get-togethers in which Deb participates. I see no reason to be upset by this. She’s more social, to begin with, and she has more opportunities. If she were dating, I’d be upset, but I am fairly confident that this is not the case. )
5a) .25 (We get out w/o the kids about once a quarter. If we included the kids, the number would skyrocket to .5, since we get out with the kids every couple of months.)
5b) zero, at the moment. (Previously, when we got out more, we went out with couples about one time in four or six.)
Number and ages of your kids, if any.2 kids, both 17
How many times in an average month do you go out for pleasure WITHOUT your spouse? This includes bars, dinner, golf, poker, sporting events (to arenas or just on TV). It used to be 2 or 3 times but I’m way too tired these days.
5a) How many times in an average month do you go out for pleasure WITH your spouse? At least once a week. We like eating out.
5b) Of these, how many times does it include friends (not just the 2 of you)?**Whenever the friends want to come along. **
About three and a half months, but dating for four years prior
0 kids
5-6 (it varies - since I work from home, sometimes I see friends during the day if they’re free, plus I also have to do the networking thing - going to happy hours to meet new contacts, that sort of thing)
5 a. 8-10
5 b. 4-5
)