Are you willing to rub my nipples during an interview?

It began innocently enough. One 18 year old with one simple request: earn some money this summer to not have to eat what the homeless people throw away after getting the good stuff from the dumpsters first while you are stuck in class, picking what might well be bananas or rubber or what remains of Marvin Gaye from your teeth with the hook you received from a hangnail turned gangrenous after not having the money to catch a bus to the free clinic downtown.

But Jesus Christ on a Sodom salty cracker with an extra Virgin Mary olive oil spread! Finding a job in this town is finding tits on a boar that’s been dead since the mid ‘80s. Sometimes, they aren’t hiring, and sometimes they aren’t hiring, but they haven’t spoken to anyone since their pet pig died, so they decide to skull pound you.

”Excuse me, but are you hiring at this location?”
”You can put in an application!!”
”But, are you hiring?”
”Look, an application!”
”Has your Prince Albert caused jungle rot in the brain?”
”Knowledge is power!”

The worst is when you decide to apply anyway, but have to do so online. Ever heard of Unicru? Those glittery bastards seem to have a monopoly on Unskilled, Temporary, Pizza Faced Teenager, No to Even Less Income menial jobs, so not only are the applications more tedious than being Fred Phelp’s PR agent at a bukkake party, they are all the freaking same!

And oh, are they tedious. They all begin the same, with a series of disclaimers and We Don’t Like Your Kind, Mr. Four Chambered Heart questions.

After a couple of pages of this, they usually throw in a couple of questions that are impossible to answer, since you can’t really skip any. So, they will ask if you have worked before, then follow it up with an entire questionnaire on your previous employment, regardless of if you have worked before.

That’s actually the easy part. Next is where staggering stupidity meets the stupidly staggering, in a gauntlet of easily the Most Insane Questions Ever Asked.

I can understand one or two questions, or even a dozen. But these wankfests go on for THIRTY SEVEN pages. Thirty Seven!

I come from a proud family, where I’m expected to achieve much and do well in school. I’m to distance my self from scandals affecting only the lowly chavs. I’m not to bang a train station for STDs in an alley behind Macys the night before Christmas without telling my three wives in Utah first.

But holy dueling fucksticks, I don’t have some goddamn dashboard Jesus massaging my prostate! I’ll be working minimum wage at shitty, inconvenient hours for Blockbuster, or Lowe’s, or Home Depot, or Hollywood Video, or Comp USA, or Advanced Auto, or any of the other 50 understaffed fuckfests that I’ve applied to and “will hear back from” when some skinny assed horse rides in with all his mooching buddies and steal all of us unbeliever’s cable. I have no superiority complex, yet I find these endless applications to be so condescending in believing They Know Their Employees from some useless color by numbers, oh-fuck-our-formula-says-you’re-the-next-Lizzie Borden, waste of my precious goddamn time.

Just give me some fucking money! I may have a social security number, and a house address, and I may have a legitimate birth certificate, but I, too, can and am willingly to do crappy jobs for little money! Fuck eating ramen with crackers, I just want some ramen!

Oh, fuck is me.

Look, just calm down and pee into this cup.

Is it the third date already?

promising in-post band name:

Goddamn Dashboard Jesus

Ugh. I hate Unicru. What a terrible way to screen out potential interviewees; first off, when I take the initiative to come into the store and ask for a job application, don’t tell me to go online and fill out a form. If you can’t be bothered to even meet me face to face, what does that say about the relationship you’re trying to form with your employees? I had to fill out the same damn questionnaire for Hollywood Video, Blockbuster Video and at least one or two other places.

“I sometimes do things that disappoint others.”

Betcha this thread gets a new record for views at least.


I give it “articulate rant” points. That shit made me giggle.

And FinnAgain’s reply made me giggle even more.

That looks more like a personality index than a resume. They use that so they can tell if you are likely to wet your bed the morning before you arrive at work with a shotgun and a list of names scrawled on the back of a Chinese takeout menu.

I vaguely remember hearing that they have to offer you an aplication wheather they are hiring or not. I think it’s a law in most states.

I’m guessing it’s to prevent people from crying discrimination when people don’t get hired or are turned away.

How can people fail those questionnaires?

Ever fill out one of Wal-Mart’s kiosk applications? A hundred and eighty two questions (more or less) related to pot use, how you feel about pot use, how you feel about laws about pot use, how you feel about people using pot at work, before work, after work, how you feel about talking to the Authorities about pot use, how you feel about drug tests for pot use, how you feel about customers who use pot, etc.

I got tired of it after about the tenth question and started answering as if I was Stoner Joe the Mid-Mo Marijuana Messiah. Needless to say, Wal-Mart never called me.

Ugh, I HATE those online applications! I remember one place, a few months ago, made me fill out an in-store app, then made me go online to do the “personality test”. I talked with one of my old managers, and they don’t even LOOK at that shit.

Also, Marlitharn, Kroger had me fill out an application like that at a kiosk with an abundance of drug questions. They did everything except outright accuse me of being a druggy who should be glad that Kroger might offer me a measly minimum wage job.

Or know if they should let you work anywhere near the chips-and-cookies aisle :smiley:

People with certain disabilities fail these often. They are not norm-referenced for people with certain types of learning or psychiatric disabilties. Places are supposed to provide an alternate format and/or an accomodation for persons with disabilities to fill these out, but even that gets a raised eyebrow. One job counselor I knoew was told, “If [your client] is not smart enough to fill out the application, he’s not smart enough to work here.”

Some of the questions border on illegal under the ADA. For example, one of the questions on the WholeFoods application asks if a person missed many days of school in high school. On the surface, that seems like they are asking about your reliability. But someone who had experienced a period of illness in high school may have missed a lot of days then, but be perfectly able to work consistently now. What are their choices? Answer honestly and be overlooked for the job, or lie. But, ooops, there is a place to check off that you are answering these questions honestly and that you understand that lying is grounds for immediate dismissal. So, you’re screwed.

I hate these things. Waste of time, unfair, and just plain dumb. As someone else mentioned, what ever happened to meeting someone face to face and actually talking to them in order to decide if they’d be a good job candidate?

I award massive style points to the Honorable ZebraShaSha.

Unfortunately, I’m forced to also deduct massive points for insufficient mentions of nipples or the rubbing thereof in the text, thus rendering the title misleading. Pictures of nipples, both rubbed and unrubbed, would be helpful.

Fabuolous rant, and bonus points for demonstrating that the word “chav” has made it to No’ Ca’lina. I suggest that you aim for mom & pop stores (if there are any left) rather than the corporate nadgers.

I assume you answered all questions honestly, as they are looking for honesty in their employees, and there are no ‘wrong’ answers, right?


Also, where does the nipple-rubbing come in? I liked that part.

Now, I’m not a particular fan of these personality tests, but I do know that ostensibly, and used properly, there is no ‘failing’ them. They highlight personality traits without making a subjective assessment as to how good or bad they are. The manager viewing the results is supposed say, “gee, this employee is a quick learner, but is not a self initiator. I’ll make sure to give him or her challenging tasks, but follow up often to make sure he or she is working up to her potential.” Or something similar.

Despite the very real risk of misuse, if filled out honestly, they actually do identify many traits correctly. In every single case, if they are required, I advise filling them out honestly and following up diligently with questions as to how the reviewer interprets the results. A trained interviewer will be looking to see how well you cope with potential weaknesses and capitalize on potential strengths.

Answering as if you were Druglass D. McDruggie may be funny, but it will raise a bunch of red flags and cost you the job. Actually… if you think such a private joke is more important than working… have at it. You probably don’t need a job that much yet.

Nipple rubbing can get irritating quickly. I’d prefer to have them sucked while a 2nd interviewer gave me a BJ. But to each his own.

It really is an employee’s market where you are, isn’t it? :smiley:

Yes, I must also award many style point to Zebra. Such a fine line between clever and flying completely off into the wild blue yonder…