Get off my lawn, you punk kid. Weren’t we promised nipples?
I am taking it rather seriously, unfortunatly. No one will ever call me back, or ever read my responses, but I am taking it seriously. So frustrating.
Nope. I also applied for a city job, which took a week, 5 pack mules, and an indigenous guide to find the place. Apparently, “300 West Washington St.” is actually located on the corner of Greene St and Market St, in the basement of one of 15 buildings in the concrete stained Government Plaza downtown. Hooray government!
And all you complaining about nipples, if everyone gets in an orderly line, I’ll rub everyones clockwise for $5.15 an hour, $17 anti-clockwise. A job is a job, even if you are only a cocktease.
This simply won’t do. Under the Americans with Disabilities Act, those who have anti-clockwise nipples are being unlawfully discriminated against.
OK, perhaps I shouldn’t have used the word ‘fail’, but I was following up on what another poster had asked. I have discussed these tests in workshops I have run for job seekers with learning disabilities—extremely bright and capable people—and there are always some questions which trip people up because of how they are worded. Perhaps the job seeker has an extremely concrete way of processing information, or perhaps the question is worded with double negatives and is confusing in that regard…whatever the case, there ARE people who will be disregarded unfairly based on these tests, or who will choose not to apply because the application process is just too goddamn long and overwhelming. For a job at a grocery store. (And I’m not knocking grocery clerks—it’s a fine job and I was one once, but applying for such a position shouldn’t be harder than taking the goddamn GREs).
In a perfect world, perhaps the scenario you presented would happen. But then why not give the test after the person has already been hired? In the real world, they are used to screen people out, not to assess learning styles or areas of relative strength and weakness.
Ah, I remember these stupid fucking things. They’re long and stupid, but the thing that really got me was the fact that they asked you to fill them out at the most menial and ridiculous jobs. The last time I had to do one was at a movie theatre. Either I can rip tickets, push a broom, sell those twelve-foot megatubs of popcorn and push buttons and say “$10.75 please” or I can’t. A complete psychological profile is not necessary. They’re not going to trust their employees with nuclear secrets, and they’re not giving them weapons (like they’ll need to worry if they fold under the stress and crack). A very rant-worthy topic.
Worse, the only place they ask you to fill these out is for that sort of job.
Want to work for a pharma company or a bank, where you’re in a position to deal with lots of money or drugs? They’ll interview you, and if you’re good enough, they’ll hire you. No stupid questions on whether drugs are bad or stealing is ok if you’re starving. Just a look at your qualifications and skills. Sure, maybe they’ll check if you’ve been to jail, but it’s not a 150-page soul inquest.
Sometimes, I just want to “rub the nipples” on my College sheepskin, as having that degree has meant I don’t have to put up with that crap. True, there’s other crap, but at a much higher rate of pay and better benefits, I can put up with a reasonable amount of crap.
(I do have to “pee in a bottle” once in a while, which *is *crap, but at least it’s not meaningless bullshit, given what I do)
Antigen is completely correct- at a higher level of job, they maybe do a background investigation and perhaps even fingerprints, but there’s little meaningless bullshit.
For some reason the introductory rant (perhaps because of the missing nipple?) made me think of Sampiro.
I’d advise to stay away from “menial” jobs and seek some kind of writing assignment.
I don’t understand this at all. I’m a high school senior with impeccable grades and no police record and I can’t even get a summer job! I follow directions, I do quality work and I can handle menial labor. I’m the perfect employee yet I can’t even get an interview. Meanwhile the stupid boyfriend of a classmate steals tire rims from K Mart and gets hired a week later at Mainstreet. What. The. Fuck.?! He stole rims. From K Mart. And I’m the one who can’t get a job. What am I doing wrong?*
And the applications! Why did you leave your last job? A)Quit B)Fired C)Laid off. I was hired to paint a fence! When the fence was painted I was done. Do I pick A or C? (Okay, this one I truly don’t know and I would appreciate an answer.)
*Actually, I think it is perfectly clear what I need to do. I need to steal rims from K Mart.
The key is to never strongly agree or disagree. Those answers, in most cases, are the ones they watch. Also, there are usually a percentage of “fatal” questions that absolute prevent you from employment. My husband’s line of work has this type of questioning.
You know, I had that thought as I was posting. It’s very confusing. When I applied at that movie theatre, I had to stand around and do that personality test thing on a little computer in addition to filling out the usual forms. My interview for my current job was probably less time-consuming, if you don’t count the writing sample I had to do, and I was hired on the spot. Maybe there’s more competition at the movie theater level. 
Ugh, I’d like to add my voice to the chorus of discontent. As a college student desperately needing a summer job, I am finding: absolutely nothing. I’m not asking to be a temp brain surgeon here. I’m asking to be able to PERFORM ANY LEGAL TASK WHATSOEVER FOR MONEY. Being a toilet-cleaner requires a portfolio of prior work and an uncle in the biz, and don’t even think about working somewhere like Dunkin’ Donuts-- I don’t even have one advanced degree yet!
The OP made me laugh, and laugh again, and laugh again, and I just want to ask ZebraShaSha:
While you have computer access to type, will you add a few more points to that parody of the test questions, and mail it in to any newspaper that accepts comedy from freelancers?
You are worth gold for that, my friend.
I worked in a nursing home for a while. While I was there, they started using the personality tests on all new applicants. Within a month, we old-timers noticed a change. It is always hard to get get good, humane, workers for the frustrating, difficulty and often gross jobs in a nursing home. The personality test weeded out all of those people. We mostly got new hires who had lots of experience filling out the “right” answers because they switched jobs so much. Lots of them were jerkoffs who would let the infirm sit in dirty diapers while they sneaked out of the building to smoke. So the tests really work, but not the way they are supposed to,
Did the office turn out to be located in a disused lavatory, in the basement of a large building which was missing both stairs and a light for said basement, with a sign on the door saying “Beware Of The Leopard”? 
Seriously though, I know what you mean. I’ve filled in my fair share of Job Applications, which have ranged from the mercifully brief to the sort of thing that you’d expect MI5 to run on potential recruits (“Hang on there, Steve… he’s marked Roger Moore as the best James Bond. Clearly not our sort of chap at all.”)
I know it sounds horrible, but have you thought of becoming a McLackey, Burger Jester, or perhaps a minion of Pizza The Hut? Those sort of places are always looking for people, and even if it’s not going to get you a Nobel Prize nomination anytime soon, it does put money in the bank… remember kids, Money can be exchanged for Goods & Services!
I mostest strongly disagree. But then I’m the guy who doesn’t put my social security number on an application.
Remind me to get you as an interviewer next time I get an “agency interview”, i.e., one where the person asking questions doesn’t understand the job and where I’m required to fill one or more personality questionnaries.
I always ask whether I can get the interpretation back, for free or paying, and they look at me like I’m St Peter’s ghost with three pairs of tits. Maybe that’s why they don’t call back… or where the nipple-rubbing is supposed to come into play…
Sounds like your real skills are write there in front of you.
I double checked your location. I’m currently hiring. Honey, if you were closer I’d hire you just for the comic relief in rant form at the end of every day.
And BTW, our receptionist has to play the “Are you hiring?” “Here’s an application” game as well. It’s a legal thing that I don’t exactly understand but has to do with discrimination, I think.
I remember one summer I was home from college and looking desperately for a job. I picked up an application from the local organic co-op. I only got as far as the question, “Why are you excited to work here?” The only reasonable answer, “Because I enjoy unskilled menial labor,” seemed unlikely to get me hired, so I chucked it. Fucking hell, I’m supposed to get excited about being paid crap to get treated like shit?