Ike, I’ve actually been meaning to speak to you about this jacket. Nobody wears gabardine jackets with a yachting club patch on the breast anymore. You look like you’re in a scotch ad every time you wear it. It’s time to go shopping, man.
Live a Lush Life
Da Chef
Live a Lush Life
Da Chef
Ooo, ouch, what an awful position to be in.
On the one hand, I thorougly disagree your decision not to be honest with her, and makes me wonder about the foundation of your relationship. After all, if someone kept something as integral to their personality as that from me for 10 years, I’d be doing some serious re-evaluation of the way our relationship worked.
Then again, if her initial objection is “bisexuals can’t be monogamous,” why, what a perfect opening to say, “But honey, I’m bi, and I’ve never cheated on you in 10 years!” What a dramatic way to smash stereotypes! 
I feel for your situation.
Esprix
hey chef,
do you make a good creme brulee?
well, at least one person wants to meet me…
http://fathom.org/polldata/pollcheck.adp?poll=dope-page5&question=62
Cheers!!
For what it’s worth, bi guy, I think you’re doing the right thing. I think a lot of us have desires and things in our past we keep to ourselves (or share with complete strangers :)). The important thing is that you are committed and loyal to your family. Not many people are.
Complete honesty is often complete stupidity.
I have two questions:
Why are so many bi’s & gay’s chefs? Is it the flair for design? I used to be a head waiter and most of the good chefs (and waiters) I came across were anything but straight.
In your past, when you were going back & forth between men and women, which tended to be the more loving in bed?
Yet to be reconciled with the reality of the dark for a moment, I go on wandering from dream to dream.
that’s exactly how I approach life, John. And yes, I make a sublime crême brulée.
Esprix said:
Sigh. Where do I start?
Since your disapproval exists in complete ignorance of the people involved, I can only assume that it’s rooted in a conviction of “honesty always.” Are you saying that nothing is acceptable but complete disclosure, no matter who gets hurt, no matter whether disclosure would benefit anyone or not? I’m sorry, but I can’t live up to that ideal.
I think relationships thrive on compassion as much as they do on honesty, and painful truths shouldn’t be told only to make the teller feel better. There has to be a compelling reason, and I don’t see one here. If I were tortured by not sleeping with men, or if I were planning on having gay affairs, then I would of course be obligated to tell her. But that’s not the case. It’s a part of me, surely, but I don’t consider it an “integral” part of me. In terms of actions it’s part of my past. I wonder if you would feel the same way about a gay man who slept with women while coming to grips with his sexuality, and still admires a woman’s form occasionally, but didn’t tell his current lover about his heterosexual background.
As for the foundation of my relationship with my wife, it’s founded on friendship from childhood that blossomed into romance. I think that is a much stronger foundation than any dry concept of “disclosure.” I don’t think I’m entitled to know EVERYTHING about her either. There are certainly things about her that she’s never told me.
Looking back over this, I realize that it sounds defensive, but so be it. The bottom line is, telling her would destroy everything, and do no good. It’s a choice I’m prepared to live with.
Live a Lush Life
Da Chef
Maybe it’s the oral fixation… 
Seriously, any answer I could give would flirt with stereotyping, but since Gay Guy fielded a similar question about the theater, I’ll take a crack at it and throw out some theories. First of all, the qualities of creativity and sensitivity, even artistry, that are present in a good chef, do seem to show up in people of a certain personality type. That type is more in evidence among the gay community than the straight community IMHO. Second, since a certain quality of flamboyance seems to be what caught your eye, maybe you just haven’t been noticing the straight chefs. Also, among the older generation women did most or all of the cooking, and straight boys who wanted to be “manly” wound up out by the barbecue with Dad instead of in the kitchen with Mom. This is all probably bullshit but here at Ask Bi Guy we don’t avoid questions just because we don’t know the answers.
Hmmmmm… as I said above, it’s been a while, but as I recall, sex with men was more of a romp, y’know, a fun thing to do like riding a rollercoaster. Sex with women was more likely to be gentle and romantic. Of course, there were exceptions to both general rules.
Live a Lush Life
Da Chef
While I think you should be honest with your wife about your feelings, you are the one who knows your situation best. I agree with you that “honesty always” is not the best polocy.
Am I the only one bothered by this? I would hope that he would honor how vows to her. I don’t see how a religious ceremony is relevant here.
I wish you all the best Bi Guy.
Virtually yours,
DrMatrix
These words are mine and they are true - Chief Meninock
Thanks for the reply, bi guy!
Did you like the front car or the back car?
Yet to be reconciled with the reality of the dark for a moment, I go on wandering from dream to dream.
(My bolding)
BiGuy, you are a true sage. I truly respect your openess and honesty here, not to mention your staunchness in the face of the “honesty always”(Ditto, Dr Matrix) policy.
Mike Mulligan had a steam shovel,
a beautiful red steam shovel.
Her name was Mary Anne.
Caveat: I make no judgment on your life or your marriage; I only point out what would or would not work for me; only you can do what is right for you. I don’t want you to think I’m, like, some kind of conservative homo or anything…
You’re right - you’re certainly not hurting her in any way, as in cheating on her. You’re living up to your responsibilities, and that’s fine. Is an omission a lie? Only you can answer that for yourself.
Yes, but you’re still bisexual. I consider sexuality to be one of the basics of the human condition. But that’s just me.
I would certainly feel the same way, but then I’ve always felt the gay community is a lot more sexually liberal than the straight community, so they might be able to handle that kind of sexual deviancy a little better. Still, there’s a lot of biphobia in the gay community, certainly. As for me, I’ve dated openly bisexual men before, and their attraction to women has never bothered me (except when they dump me for one :D).
Only you know what’s best for you, so be well and happy.
Esprix
[quote]
Originally posted by DrMatrix:
Pashley says lots of things that bother people, even when he doesn’t mean to.
Esprix
Dear Bi Guy:
When you were dating, what was your primary interest? A sexual partner? Companionship? A potential future spouse? I ask because I wonder whether, all things being equal, a bisexual would choose to pursue a heterosexual relationship over a homosexual one due to a desire to get married, have kids, etc.
You said that if your marriage were to end, your next relaionship would just as likely be homosexual as heterosexual. I take that means that your relationships were an approximately equal mix? Did you find it just as easy to find homosexual partners as heterosexual?
You also said that you are still closeted IRL. Does that mean that when you were dating heterosexually, you’d introduce your girlfriend to friends and family, but when dating homosexually, you’d not introduce your boyfriend? When asked whether you were seeing anyone, did you say “no”? Have you discussed your sexual history with your wife at all?
There’s something to be said for both, of course…and the very best rollercoasters have loops in the track.
Live a Lush Life
Da Chef
Plus being closeted, let’s not forget.
Well, how about it, Bi Guy - how easy or hard is it for a bisexual to fit into society? Straights are the majority, gays can fake being straight for short periods of time, but usually come out, but bisexuals have the unique advantage of being able to fake it and, in a sense, not really lie at all. What’s your take?
Esprix
During the relatively brief (couple of years) period when I was actively dating both, I wasn’t shopping for a life mate…just looking for a good time. 'nuff said.
When I started this thread, I decided that I might refuse to answer a question, but I would not try to bullshit anyone. I didn’t really have a LOT of relationships with either sex before I got married. Just a couple of each, and a smattering of non-relationship sexual encounters.
I mentioned earlier that I was in military school, and that homosexual tendencies were best kept hidden. That’s true; however, I did have some encounters, and one actual relationship, while I was there. It never had a chance to really go anywhere because of the poisonous atmosphere; my relationship with my classmate was furtive and shame-filled, not because we felt there was anything wrong with us but because it was so dangerous to be open. Unfortunately, it took me a while to get beyond seeing my gay relationships that way – always wondering who was watching me and file a report.
**
I was living out of state and didn’t introduce anyone to my family, male or female, except Mrs. Chef. I kept my straight and gay activities pretty much separate; AFAIK, there was no one who traveled in both circles. I actually stopped dating men some time before I got married – a little before we got engaged, actually. None of my current friends (except people on this board), and none of my family, know I’m bi. And my wife knows about the women I’ve dated, but obviously not the men.
Live a Lush Life
Da Chef
Dear Bi Guy,
Re: selective disclosure.
Compassion aside (and I do think you’re handling the situation with tremendous compassion), do you have any fears of your past boinging up out of nowhere and biting you in the ass (so to speak)? It seems like the biggest danger with the non-disclosure policy is the chance that your wife might find out some other way. Were that to happen, you’d be twice damned–once for having lived that particular past in the first place, and again for not telling her yourself.
I suppose you feel like you’ve already placed yourself in that very circumstance. And you seem pretty sure there are no troublesome loose ends to worry about. But if it were me, I think it would be hard not to worry.
Now, I don’t know either you or your wife, so I tried to imagine how I would deal with my wife revealing a similar long-standing secret to me. I think I would:
a) Empathize with, and not resent, her having kept the secret so long. After all, it was never her (your) intention to deceive. It was a very sober, difficult decision to conceal this element of her past action and present personality, and it was done out of concern for my feelings. Sure, she could have told me sooner, but I see no grievous crime in this.
b) Try to regard her sexual feelings as I would any other compulsion (bad word), such as smoking urges, eating disorders, etc. I admit that these are poor analogies to sexual feelings, with all their labyrinthine implications (and I’m NOT saying that bisexual feelings are disorders, just that they are similarly beyond conscious control). Yes, I can see how it would be hard not to take her inner sexual feelings personally, although logic and ration would tell me that they are not. Since I love my wife, I would at least try to view her feelings objectively, and to fit them in with everything else I know about her.
Wow, I am one (hypothetically) understanding son-of-a-bitch! And yet, even as I write this I begin to feel the weight of such a situation. All I’m suggesting is that you’ve dealt with your feelings in a remarkably fair and loving way, that your motivations are obviously compassionate and not devious, and that people are often more understanding we expect them to be.
Obviously, I have no idea whether these thoughts have any relevance to your situation, and I would never tell another person what to do with their lives. I truly wish you all happiness.
I think a bisexual’s ease of assimilation is correlated to his/her degree of militancy. I have noticed that gays and straights alike often put pressure on open bisexuals to “choose” one orientation or another – the implication being that bisexuality isn’t a true orientation at all, but a lack of conviction born of either indecision, repression or whatever. To be a “true” bisexual, i.e. someone who dates and/or sleeps with both men and women concurrently as opposed to switching periodically from “girl mode” to “boy mode,” can be met with suspicion from gays and straights alike.
On the other hand, your point about, as it were, adopting protective coloration is true too. Some see a bisexual’s marrying a member of the opposite sex as vindication that “they were straight all along”…I see it differently. There are people who can write with either hand equally well. If they write with one hand exclusively for a while, does that mean they were REALLY left handed after all, or are there other factors at work (like not having to remember which pocket your pen is in)?
Another factor: part of the reason for the in-your-face nature of elements in the gay community is a need for recognition to combat oppression. Bisexuals don’t have this pressure to the same degree, as they have the option of choosing an opposite-sex partner.
(say, Gay Guy, we should round ourselves up a Straight Guy and launch an online advice column. We could call it “The Three-Headed Monster” or something. What do you think?)
Live a Lush Life
Da Chef
Don’t think I haven’t thought about it. :eek:
The truth is, I haven’t had any contact with my gay circle from those days in nearly a decade, and I can’t imagine how they would know where to look for me if they did want to find me. In fact, my biggest exposure worry is this very website. If someone were to want to hurt me, and knew how to find me IRL, the things I’ve written here would be pretty damning. However, I don’t seem to be the kind of person who makes enemies, and in any case the damage is done. There’s really no way I could remove all online evidence of my bisexuality anyway, so I don’t waste time worrying about it. One protective shield I have is that Mrs. Chef is highly allergic to computers and would never attempt to surf without me to hold her hand.
Live a Lush Life
Da Chef
Unfortunately, I also see a lot of biphobia in the gay and straight communities, which is a shame. People are so black and white! Even I’ll admit there’s a woman out there for me… but she’s Sophia Loren, so it’s not going to do me much good. (Alright, I’d consider doing Jeri Ryan, but only if she wore her Seven of Nine prosthetics!)
Hey, you’re preaching to the choir with me - I could marry a woman if I really really wanted to, but I’d still be homosexually oriented, even if my behavior was heterosexual. I just wouldn’t enjoy it like a bisexual would.
Actually, there’s already a straight guy thread - Pashley’s, although his motives for opening it were to mock my thread. Still, it’s generated some interesting discussion. it might have been pushed to the 2nd page, so check it out when you get a chance.
Esprix