Ask the Gay Guy!

Great Debates
21

Um, I’ve never met any gay person who mentioned they were gay unless it was relevant to the conversation. What do you mean they were sticking it in your face?

You: Jim, please pass the potatoes.
Jim: I’m gay. Here you go.

You: Excuse me, Tina, where’s the washroom?
Tina: I’m a lesbian. First door on your right.

…I’m not seeing it. So how did they “flaunt it?”

Oh. They had a picture of their same-sex SO on their desk. Just like their office partner had a picture of their opposite-sex SO on their desk. I’m so shocked.

22

I don’t know about others, but the people I work with do discuss thier personal lives in public. If someone asks me what I did this weekend, I’ll tell them. I’m not gonna lie, and if I just don’t bring the subject up, people who assume I’m straight and single try to set me up with thier daughters and friends, and then it gets really awkward. (no lie it has happened)

23

Yes, but it is a gay issue. There are some gays (not all, but some) that consider being against AIDS funding to be against gays.

24

Dear Gay Guy,

Well, the precedent is set. A sex question:

A couple times recently, I’ve seen Esprix (or Otto?) refer to being a “top” or a “bottom”–that is, preferring the, er, giving end of anal intercourse or the receiving end. (NPI, really.)

Now, I know many people don’t discuss their bed preferences with strangers. Since you do, Gay Guy (and I just looove that–makes you sound like a superhero), riddle me this: why do you adopt a role? That is, why, if you’re a bottom, are you a bottom? Why accept a label? Why limit yourself? Why not switch positions occasionally?

I mean, two male bodies have more possible combinations than one male and one female (excepting prostheses, of course . . and where is Satan these days?). So why not just say “let’s have sex” and not worry about “ok, I need to be on top?”

I understand that some people might prefer the different sensations of being on top or on bottom. But is it really an exclusive enough preference that you need to actually call yourself a top or a bottom?

Further, I know many gay couples (though by no means all) establish domestic and social roles in which one partner is more dominant in the relationship–occasionally to the extent of acting like the hetero husband and wife stereotypes. In such cases, is there a correlation between their roles in the relationship and their roles in the bedroom? That is, is the “wife” more likely to be a bottom?

Part of my top/bottom confusion comes from the fact that I’ve previously only really heard those terms used in reference to a Dom/Sub relationship.

-andros-
silence=death

25

Dear Gay Guy, why do we need a guy gay to answer gay questions?

26

You’ve never met “Randall.” He used to work where I do. I swear on my favorite fishing lure, his first words to a new employee were, “I’m here. I’m queer. Get over it.”
It seemed that his mission was to make sure that everyone knew, without question, that he was gay.

He really was “far out,” as it were. He was also one of the funniest people I’ve ever met.

27

Yeah, Andros asked a question that has always perplexed me, what’s the deal? When you pick some guy up and go home, what happens if you’re both tops, or bottoms? Do you just do other stuff? Do a top and bottom ever change roles? What if your partner absolutely positively refuses to be the bottom and you really want to be the top - or vice versa? I notice in our personal ads here there are lots of bottoms looking for tops,why isn’t it the other way around?

28

Dear Gay Guy (Gosh- that does make you sound like a superhero. Or Dear Abby, at least…)

Ok, I have a sex question. It’s kinda graphic, so if you’re more comfortable answering to me in email, I understand. How do you have anal sex without it hurting? I can’t believe that so many people would voluntarily engage in an act that well…is so uncomfortable (for the bottom at least) that I guess I must’ve done something wrong. Either that, or it’s just that I’m trying to park a Cadillac in a compact-car space.

Prairie “blushing like a” Rose

If you’re not part of the solution you’re just scumming up the bottom of the beaker.

29

Prairie Rose: With lots of lubricants. And by prepping the docking bay, as it were, with a finger or two beforehand. (As an experiment, try masturbating with a finger up there sometime. The sensation can be quite … interesting.)

30

To be honest, My first SO, was strictly a top, and it was fine with me, there was the love and closenes you’ll find in any commited monogamus(SP?) relationship, it was just a personal issue with him and I got over it. The guy I’m with now, was strictly a bottom before we got together, and we don’t negotiate who’s doing what, we just let what’s gonna happen, happen. It goes 50/50 most of the time, and I’m a happy camper. :slight_smile:

31

Wasn’t me. I haven’t discussed my specific sex practices and at this time don’t intend to.

There are people who don’t label themselves (or if they label themselves it’s as “versatile”). The rough analogy among lesbians would be “butch” and “femme,” which roles used to be much more rigidly defined and enforced (c.f. Faderman’s Odd Girls and Twilight Lovers for further discussion of b/f and the ostracism formerly faced by women who didn’t “choose.”) although b/f is less concerned with specific sex practices than top/bottom is. At the simplest level. t/b is just a statement of interest. It’s a quick and easy way to communicate what one will and will not do sexually. It’s been my experience that among gay men, it’s only in the BDSM segments of the community that this level of role-playing is really strictly enforced. My feeling is that t/b and b/f both grew out of a misguided attempt by gay people to emulate existing societal sex roles. People were male or female; “real” couples were one each. Two tops or two bottoms or two butches or two femmes hooking up violated that emulation. Gay men in particular rebelled against the stereotype of being “swishy” in the 70s, with the hypermasculine “clone” look (the construction worker from the Village People was a clone). Lesbians started challenging the butch/femme thing earlier in the feminist movement. I think that larger numbers of queers are moving away from identifying themselves as tops or bottoms or butches or femmes and are more likely to think in terms of individual sex sessions. One guy may “top” the other guy one night and then “bottom” for him the next.

My favorite gay cartoon from the 80s: the caption was something like “when femmes collide” and it pictured two identical women saying in unison “gotta light?”

32

As long as we are not accorded all of the rights, privileges and protections of human beings and citizens, then we can’t stop “raising awareness.”

A couple people touched on this previously, but I think it bears repeating that in our society, heterosexuality is assumed. Imagine the reverse.

33

The story is largely correct, but to the best of my knowledge Churchill never identified his partner as Ivor Novello or anyone else. Do you have a source for this ID?

Something I would like to stress because of your use of the phrase “tried out homosexuality” is that there is a difference between sexual orientation and sexual behaviour. By having sex with a man, Churchill was not “trying out homosexuality.” He did not become homosexual for the duration of the sex act.

34

I think you started this thread just so you could use the “no flaming” rule in a new way.
Jill

35

Dear Gay Guy,

With all the treads about homosexuality on this message board, how can we still call it “The Straight Dope”?

36

I’ll look it up…I have a fascination for Churchill, and several biographies at home.

Point taken, Otto…but would you care to suggest a phrasing for a predominantly heterosexual person experimenting with gay sex that would work? I thought it was clear what I meant – that I was not referring to orientation but to a “test drive.”

37

Dear Gay Guy,

Thanks for starting this thread. Here’s something I’ve been wondering for a long time:

To start, let me identify myself as a hetero male, and I’d like to point out some of my personal beliefs about the heterosexual world:

  1. It is natural for a man to ogle a woman whom he finds to be attractive.
  2. Depending on many factors, the woman may feel flattered or degraded by this.
  3. It is impolite for a man to ogle a woman if there is any chance at all that she has any objections to this.
  4. A woman is well within her rights to be offended by unwanted ogling.

(Note 1: I have used the word “ogle” as a typical example of many offensive behaviors. Using this specific example will help keep the conversation focused.)

(Note 2: All the above also applies to women who ogle men. But I use this example to help stay focused, and also because (in my opinion) men do the ogling more frequently, and are less likely to be offended by being ogled at by a woman.)

All the above is based on my observations and beliefs about heterosexuals. Further, it is my belief that the main reason (or at least, one of the main reasons) why locker rooms (and similar situations) are segregated by sex is because we are sensitive to the feelings of those who do not want to be ogled at.

Okay, I can finally get to my questions:

My guess is that a strictly homosexual man would not catch himself ogling at a woman, but that they do occasionally ogle men. After all, we’re all human, right? And there is a natural temptation to ogle at those for who we have a sexual attraction, or at least a potential attraction, which excludes those who are outside of our range of potential mates. (i.e., only sickos ogle at children or animals)

We have desires and attractions, and while some people are more successful at controlling themselves than others, surely the homosexual community does not claim to be above such activity? Or do they?

So can homosexual men understand that a hetero man would feel similarly offended and degraded if he would be ogled at by a homosexual man?

I have no hidden agenda here. If you think my question has anything to do with gays in the military, you’re right. I have a very specific question here: I understand and agree with gays who want to help defend their country. But that is only one part of the whole problem. Another part is homophobes who fear that homosexuality is contagious and they might catch it; that’s absurd and they are crazy. But I believe that another part of this problem is that heterosexual men do not want to be in close quarters with people who will be tempted to look at them, the way they look at women.

I am not saying that I am against having homosexuals in the military. I am simply asking if homosexuals can sympathize with the heterosexual viewpoint on this one aspect of the question.

38

What an interesting point, Keeves! A question: as a heterosexual male, you are saying you would be offended by knowing that another male found you attractive, no matter how courteously the subject was broached? I do not have a low body-image but freely admit that my body is in most respects not anything anyone would want to ogle. But I don’t think I’d be offended by a gay person politely telling me he found me good-looking. (I’d probably send him to the nearest optometrist, but other than that…)

I have never had deep insight into the specifically female psyche, but it would be my impression that even the ugliest of males complimenting a woman on her beauty is well-received for his courtesy. A mannerly ogle is not offensive to a woman unless accompanied by an unwanted advance that does not show respect for her own integrity.

39

Preface: I have nothing against gay guys. Live and let live, I say. I happen to live in an area where many of my friends, neighbors and acquaintances are gay, and they get no guff from me about it.

On with the question: I find the idea of plunging my “plunger” into someone else’s feces gross in the extreme. (And vice versa.) Are there any gay guys who feel the same way, or do they all pursue anal intercourse with joyful abandon? Again, I am not making judgments here, just curious.

40

Occam said, “SqrlCub, I guess what I’m asking is why is your sexual orientation relevant to me? If it just comes up casually in conversation that’s one thing, but I find people “shouting it from the roof tops”. Yeah it is just my own experience, but that’s what I see. I’m Polish, that’s who I am, I don’t try to hide it, but I don’t stick it in peoples faces either.”

My sexual orientation really isn’t relevant to you. I don’t go around shouting to everyone that I am gay anymore or less than a typical straight person. I hold my bf’s hand in public, I kiss him on the mouth, I don’t make out with him in public though (i.e. no groping or anything like that). I expect to be accorded the same rights and freedoms as a straight person who is “allowed” to do the same. This doesn’t make the straight world an evil world, neither does it make the gay world an evil world.

Keeves, I understand your point about straight men not wanting to be hit on by gay men. The real issue here is that there is not really any one way to discern whether or not a person is gay. I don’t really know any gay people who actively go out and start swatting random men’s butts on the streets because they think they are cute. That is unwanted. I have not really ever seen a gay guy hoot at construction workers or anything like that (I am sure that it happens about as often as the reverse now, but I have never seen it). Gay men typically have more subtle flirtations than a straight men. There is actually an artform to what is colloquially known as cruising, if a “straight” man can break the cruising code he will see it happening all the time. It is an extremely subtle flirtation that can be as little as a gaze that lingers for a second too long (sometimes even less, if in a predominately heterosexual environment) to as aggressive as a full mouth kiss (this is usually not appreciated as it is often deemed too aggressive. Also, this is typically only found in a predominately gay area such as a bar or club.). Anyway, gay people typically don’t flirt with someone who is straight in anyway that they would notice because straight people DO get offended by it and often react violently. In a primarily negative straight environment gay people have adapted to flirt very subtlely.

Now for the straight men who actually are the recipients of a significant flirt. The range of reactions is from flattery to violence. The same as within a similar straight situation. I believe Satan (Brian) once said that if he was flirted with by a guy that he would say, “I’m flattered, but I’m straight.” Most people show indifference if they realize they are being flirted with by the same sex. They know nothing will ever happen so they let it be. As for the violence part of the equation, we all know about gay bashing (which isn’t necessarily preceeded by flirting…just a preconceived notion that the person that is being bashed is gay.). Did I answer your question, Keeves?

HUGS!
Sqrl

PS if you belong to a gym many of the patrons, regardles of where you are, will be gay. There is a very large gym culture with gay men.

SqrlCub’s Arizona Adventure