Hey, I know a gay guy from Ohio…your name Bill?
No one’s asked this one yet, I’m so proud to have come up w/ it, so here goes - do you and your SO hope to be daddies some day?
Wow! I love this thread!!!
Okay, this has bothered me for years… how do gay men handle it if they don’t “compliment” each other, sexually? By which I mean, you said you were a top, and your boyfriend was a bottom; what if he had not been? How would you cope with that? Do most gay men go pretty much 50/50 top or bottom, or is having a preference more common?
I ask because I’m a straight girl, and even thought I’ve tried on several occasions to enjoy anal sex, I just don’t. Which is okay, because I have “other means”. But what does a gay man do if he just doesn’t like anal sex? (Until you answered Anaamika up there, I had no idea there were people who were strictly a top or a bottom) Do you just limit your dating partners, or what?
Two questions:
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What’s the best thing about being gay?
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What’s the worst thing about being gay?
Two answers:
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Men
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Men
I know this, because I am one of them, and one of them 
Great thread, BTW!
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Do you find that closeted people flock to you to describe their situations all the time?
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Do you find that random people come to you all the time to ask you random questions about gay people/culture in general? (I know I do, and I didn’t know if that was your impetus to start this thread or not.)
OK I promised I’d come in and give you a more in-depth response, FisherQueen. Here it goes: everything Anitor said to you, plus the following.
(1) Do you work for Cincinnati Public Schools? If so, I believe you’re covered under their non-discrimination policy. Again, that’s official coverage. Unofficially? You know best about the environment you’re in.
(2) Coming out matters more than anyone can ever consider at the time. My co-chair at GLSEN came out at the school he works for and was offered the chance to open doors for at least one student that radically changed her life, doors that would’ve remained closed had he not been out and connected in the community. Isn’t that one of the points to being an educator?
(3) While testing is good, eventually one needs simply to trust and give others a chance. It’s often a shock who turns out to be the friendliest face and the kindest shoulder for you to lean on.
(4) If you’re interested in helping with the campaign, but don’t feel like you can handle canvassing, there are plenty of other opportunities.
Feel free to drop me an email about any of this! I’m always willing to help out as I can, plus I might know some folks who can assist even more.
Never. shrug I really don’t. I find myself wishing things like “I wish there were more gay men around” or “I wish people accepted gay people exactly as they do straight people” but I never have found myself wishing I preferred women, not even when I was closeted (for that whole month).
Only the ones that make people dislike me, and none of the useful ones (ability to dress or clean; slim and well turned-out; talents of any kind; etc.) I need a Queer Eye for the Queer Guy.
Well, I’d say that a good number of us are described by many of the stereotypes, if only because it is somewhat easier to be gender nonconformist in the gay community so that a gay male might not feel the need to suppress certain inclinations or talents as a straight man might. They also exist as cultural referents. It’s of course not safe to say (it never was, anyway) that you can gank your local gay guy for redecorating help or to make your party come off perfectly, unless you know he’s into that sort of thing.
I know some gay guys who completely can’t deal with female bits, but I’m the Gay Guy with a Good Attitude About Menstruation and related X-chromosome contingencies. Straight sex doesn’t particularly ick me out, just doesn’t interest me that much or arouse me.
My guess is just because of the association between gay men and the theatre, probably due to its originally being an underworld sort of thing in which a certain amount of acceptance might have been sought in less accepting times.
I can often tell, but it’s not some mystical thing, more like putting myself in their shoes and seeing how they react to certain things, how comfortable or uncomfortable with certain circumstances, etc. As for being way off, there’s this fellow we know in the NDP who everyone else is convinced is gay - often volunteering this without being asked (“You two make such a cute couple!” “But he’s straight!” “He’s straight?!”) but he has a GF. Who knows, really.
More to come.
My experience has shown a marked tendency towards putting out very early on, but of course this probably has more to do with me and the boys I date. AFAIAC, the sex is part of the romance.
Lately I’ve been seeing a boy and we’ve been taking it much more slowly than usual, but we still have sex all the time - the slowness is about making sure the relationship is a good idea, since that’s the harder thing to recover from if you make a bad decision.
Sure, why not? When I was with Tom we were just gross what with the fluff bunnies and the pooplidoos and the sugarboys and such. We sent each other candy and teddy bears and stuff too. There’s a certain sexuality involved in that kind of circumstance, but it’s very fun and cute.
Absolutely. Sometimes I’d much rather cuddle than have sex - happily this often seems to happen at the same time for him.
I insist on holding hands and being as physically affectionate as I understand straight couples to in similar circumstances (not necessarily making out all over the place, but putting my head on his shoulder in the metro, kissing him goodbye, etc.)
I haven’t gotten static very often at all - more usually, if I get homophobic comments it’s while I’m by myself but looking femme. Once a gentleman friend and I were walking to my place holding hands - he was this buff leather daddy with his shirt off and in leather pants, and I was in club wear. Anyway, someone on the other side of the street yelled, “Tapette!” (“Fag!”) and I thought, Ooh, what a smart man.
If you know, tell me… 
It completely depends on the situation. If you’re at work, you might hold his gaze longer than usual, smile more, chat, maybe ask him out. For Coffee. In a bar, buy him a drink, ask to dance. In a sauna, you can pretty much just walk up and start sucking his dick.
Yes, there are gay guys who only do one or the other for various reasons, in which I would guess that personal taste is the most important. There are power bottoms out there who do nothing else; I’ve dated some before.
It depends on the couple. As with many social situations one person might just have a more dominant personality. If you’re talking about this in a BDSM context, those who enjoy BDSM do that too - it may be that one partner is always dom, or they may switch from encounter to encounter (what I usually do, and enjoy - I find just one all the time is monotonous) and may intersperse it with sex that is not dom/sub.
Either partner may instigate sex. I never really thought about this one before. It would really be up to the individuals’ personalities…
Could you expand on this question a bit more please?
It pisses me off when it makes me think they did no research whatsoever and are just putting in A Gay Guy. Either of those stereotypes can be played in such a way as to seem like a real person, or not. I believe one of the boys on Queer Eye was getting static for being too much of a stereotype, and he was pissed off because he was just being himself! I get that a fair amount, too.
You know it, babe!
No.
Yep. A few gay guys can’t, or else can see her as “beautiful” in the same way as a landscape might be beautiful but can’t grasp the “attractive” part; imho this is evidence against the “EVERYONE is actually bisexual to some extent” notion. I think most people have the capacity to find members of all genders attractive, but not everyone.
I have been attracted to women on rare occasions. I can’t really name a specific set of attributes - I think mainly personality. On one hand, I might be attracted by a very androgynous woman who looks like some of the boys I’m attracted to. On the other hand, I have been also attracted to very non-androgynous women with curves and gorgeous clothes. I can’t really see a pattern; it is on very disparate occasions. I’ve never particularly felt the urge to actually try to get with them, though.
Most of my friends are gay men right now, but I don’t really use gender as a criterion among my friends; I usually make friends with people who have personality traits that I like and that are pretty distributed among men and women.
What colors are in this season?
I will check out hot guys without worrying too much if they are gay or straight. But it’s not something you should worry about; I will always try to figure out that someone is gay before making any kind of move. I assume you don’t worry about whether a woman is lesbian before finding her hot, but hopefully you would respect it if she said she was. The same goes for gay men.
There are definitely lefty queer, intellectual queer, and geeky queer subcultures I see myself as floating around - mainly the former. There are subcultures I’m not interested at all in exploring, but the only ones whose members I’d rather avoid are those that are based around snarking at mine.
I think it’s underrated and terribly important.
This is a more general question than your clarification below, but basically being complementary to each other sexually is very important for any sort of romantic/sexual relationship. I think two people who were truly sexually incompatible would be unlikely to stay together.
I think many gay men have a preference but not an exclusive one. I think men who insist on one or the other take care to find a partner who will give them what they want.
Bear in mind that anal sex, although it’s often presented as the be-all and end-all of gay sex, is actually not so ubiquitous; some research says that only a minority of gay men have anal sex frequently. Like you I find anal sex very painful and not fun as a bottom (although I fantasize about it a lot), and clumsy and unsatisfying as a top. So in general I have it very, very rarely. Instead, I do other things - as you’d expect, mainly oral sex, mutual masturbation, and lots and lots of making out and foreplay (which I particularly enjoy, more so than the actual road-to-orgasm part.)
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I’d say everything I’ve gotten that I wouldn’t have gotten had I not been gay or otherwise in a minority - the life experiences, cultural knowledge, friends, community, etc.
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For me, homophobia is less inconvenient than heterosexism; I encounter actual homophobia from time to time, but heterosexism - structuring society according to the assumption that any given person is heterosexual - is all-pervading.
Actually, this has very rarely happened to me.
From time to time. Other gay people dislike this a great deal - it’s not their job to be the gay ambassador all the time. But probably due to the various volunteer activities and political work I’ve participated in, I’m very used to answering questions and helping to demystify homosexuality (which explains me being in this thread).
I kept coming back to this thread. The interest for me is well, what would people ask the gay guy? So far pretty normal questions, with pretty normal answers I guess. I love the best thing/worst thing question and as a hetro woman I would answer it the same way! As a hetro woman I find us women have a lot in common with gay men - we both like men! One of my primary school teacher was gay and a fair number of my friends have always been.
I even know a gay guy from Ohio - he lives in Florida now - do you know him?
My conclusion is that the same joys and pitfalls are there in every romantic relationship. My heart goes out to the poster who is a teacher wanting to come out. It’s not nice to live a lie, but there’s a big risk of people not accepting your feelings and misunderstanding a normal person who loves another of the same sex.
I find the company of gay men so relaxing because I can be assured that they won’t hit on me!
Fish - are these little kids or big ones? From age 7-10 my teacher was a gay. Us kids had no idea of this at all. I remember asking why Mr. C wasn’t married and my mum explained that he lived in the city with another man. That still didn’t mean anything much to me - except I remember feeling glad, I didn’t want to think of him living alone. Looking back some 35 years or so, our little society must have been tolerant enough, although I think it was important that he lived a good distance from the school in order to remain discreet.
He was the best teacher I ever had, even though he used to say:
- You haven’t the sense you were born with!
That’d be partly your fault teach!
Only you can make your choice, I don’t know what environment you really have to deal with. Best of luck!
There are no guarantees: I had a friend once whose SO would sometimes randomly grab me and french kiss me. Granted, the SO was probably a little more bi than even he realized, but still … you never know. 
I have often heard men express the opinion that they could convert a lesbian if only she’d let him try …
Gay guys - has any woman expressed this sentiment to you?
OK so I’m gonna give some of these questions a try, but I feel I should make clear that I actually identify as a bisexual man, thus some are not actually relevant. Of course I find women attractive and of course I look at straight porn, because I happen to also like girls.
No I’m not just ashamed about being gay. I came out as gay first and then gradually backpedaled based on experience. Got it? Good. Now let’s see if I can’t make a dent here.
Do you ever find yourself wishing that you were heterosexual?
Absolutely not. Given my upbringing, I probably would currently be working at a bank or major company, grinding my life away to Make a Better Detergent. Being queer has opened my eyes both to the injustices and options in the world. Violating one societal “rule”, in effect, opened my eyes to the fact that others have always been my choice to follow as well.
Is there really such a thing as ‘gaydar’? Is it easy for you to tell if another man is of similar persuasion? Have you ever been off? Have you ever been completely surprised when you found out someone was gay?
There is, yes, though rarely is it truly omniscient. I’ve known several people who seemed to have true gaydar, but mostly it’s just being observant to the things people bring up or leave out of conversations, or awareness for symbols. I have my eyes open all the time, whereas straight people don’t need to.
Er…do you mind the word ‘gay’ or do you prefer something else?
As addressed above, I view myself as strongly bisexual, but I actually prefer the word “queer”. Sexuality, in my experience, is far too complicated to be put in one tiny box… so I don’t.
- How do gay guys generally get together? Does it start with sex? Does it ever start with romance? Care to tell us about any personal experiences?
For me? It generally starts with romance. I’ve done hookups, but only if I thought they weren’t going to go any further. Let me explain my rules: I will not sleep with strangers and, if someone wants to date me, I want to know them better than a fuckbuddy.
- When there is romance, in what form does it take place? Hetero romance is overly idealized, what with flowers and violins and poetry and candy. Gay guys sure as hell can’t be interested in all that stuff - can they?
I’m a total nerd, so flowers and so forth just annoy. Now a dinner and serious conversation? A goofy walk along the riverside with stupid jokes? Be still my heart. I often tell people that I have more in common with the average political wonk/computer geek than gay kid at the bar.
- In a LTR, is there love simply for the sake of love? Is there affection*? Do you cuddle?
Not been in an LTR yet with either gender.
- Is it hard to show affection in public? Do you hold hands? When you do, if you do, do people say things? Yell at you?
For me? No it isn’t. I hold hands when I feel like it, and most of the time I rarely even get noticed. The rule of the game, to me, is if you act like it’s normal then most people treat it as such. And if it isn’t normal for you to be doing it, why would you even bother?
- Say a guy is trying to get the attention of another guy - does he just go up and say it? Would he primp, or try to get his attention more subtly?
Depends. I totally suck at asking folks out, but when I manage it I’m generally very blunt. Other folks who don’t have a slightly lazy eye? Eye contact is king, just like hetero coupling.
Some slightly more graphic questions:
- Top or bottom…I understand the terms, but there are gay guys out there who only do one or the other? Why? Anybody who does only bottom but not top?
There are guys who just do one or the other, but that generally has more to do with physical complications in my experience. Like a guy continuously bottoms because he has a very small penis, or tops because he never seems to loosen up enough to get much pleasure from the other way. People adapt to what genetics gave them. Then there are just some people who have extremely strong preferences for one or the other, just like some folks really like/hate carrots.
- Are there dominant and submissive-type roles?
Sometimes. I myself tend to be extremely flexible depending on who I’m with and in what circumstances. In some relationships, I have been the one wearing the pants and calling the shots. In others? Less so. Mostly they just bounce back and forth based on my mood and his.
- Who instigates sex? How? I mean, other than the obvious reaching over and grabbing.
Making out is always a good signal. Also, heavy flirting. I generally prefer the grabbing and yelling “MINE!” method.
- Do you get angry/irritated at the conventional portrayal of gays? So many times you see only two types: the excessively effeminate, or the master/slave relationship (think Road Warrior) which doesn’t look healthy.
I actually get most furious at the OMG I’M SO PERFECT AND WISE portrayls that some shows in the nineties tended to default towards. Queer folk are just as flawed as anyone else and shows leaning on us as one-sided goody two shoes do everyone a disservice, as well as the art of drama itself.
Some personal questions. Feel free not to answer these if they are too personal.
- Do you watch gay porn?
God yes.
- Do you have mostly females as friends?
Mostly lesbian friends, actually. There’s utterly no chance of mutual sexual tension, which allows us to approach things from a strictly platonic angle. I know I’ll never have them and they’ll never want me… case closed.
I’ve always wanted to ask - do gay guys always check out straight men? Like when I’m around gay men should I be wary of being “eye candy”
I’m a guy. If I think you are hot, yes you will be naked in my mind within two seconds. I will also know whether you are wearing underwear, what type, and, if not, whether the carpet matches the curtains. I do the same to women, and so do you.
Is there one person in your past who you’ve lost due to your homosexuality who you would go back into the closet for just that person if you could have them back in your life?
No. Never. If someone can’t accept me for who I am, they aren’t worth having in my life at all. Sometimes prices are just too high to pay, y’know?
Do you think gays have a lesser chance at finding a successful, long-lasting roantic relationship than heteros?
I think there’s much less societal approbation for being in a long term same-sex relationship, which means that nothing outside holds you together when things get tough. How many straight relationships survive because society made them hard to escape when things got rocky, so instead of running they worked things out? I don’t think queer folk get that kind of pressure, for good or ill.
Also, what’s the longest gay relationship you’ve seen? Are the number of long-term relationships comparable to hetero ones you’ve seen?
Just off the top of my head, which isn’t too reliable, one I know is going on 25 years. Then again, I’m also 22 years old myself. Not a huge amount of social experience with the older gentlemen, y’know?
Supposing you had to, which of the gay subcultures would you place yourself in and do you have a particular aversion to any?
Geek Chic. I dress well but don’t really do the facial product/clothes thing enough to be a fashionista.
What do you think of a LGBT community?
I think it’s currently keeping me employed J I also think it’s the hardest of any community to define. Rather than being one solid group, we’re a coalition of disparate elements forced to common cause and some understanding (though less of that than I’d sometimes hope). Regardless, we’ve gotten this far and I’m grateful for the strides the community has taken on my behalf.
Is it true that gay people do not enjoy “manly” activities as much as other men?
Define manly. I like to fix things, which is manly, but I hate sports. My roommate (a lesbian) shaved her head one year but can’t fix a doorknob. Which of us is more manly? I’d say people as a whole, GLBT folks included, tend to fall in shades of grey.
Do you think that the western world is increasingly imitating gay people? If so does this annoy you?
This gets me a total “Meh”. Some folks follow the african-american urban culture, some go the route of Queer Eye couture. Whatever floats your boat.
do you and your SO hope to be daddies some day?
Don’t have one right now, but my opinion is way too hazy to decide. Someday? Maybe. One way or another, I would adopt.
Okay, this has bothered me for years… how do gay men handle it if they don’t “compliment” each other, sexually? By which I mean, you said you were a top, and your boyfriend was a bottom; what if he had not been? How would you cope with that? Do most gay men go pretty much 50/50 top or bottom, or is having a preference more common?
If they don’t complement, they work around it or they break up. I’ve known some older couples who don’t have sex anymore and stay together, but that’s true for heterofolk as well. As for the second half, I really couldn’t say. I’d assume most people lean one way or another, but not strongly enough to be unable to switch if they absolutely had to.
- What’s the best thing about being bisexual?
Like I said above: realizing that the rules of society are, in fact, only guidelines. Too many people, like myself, who are pretty much in the majority do not ever consider the unspoken taboos and assumptions that go into any culture. For a white male to be queer is to have that complacent, and mutually oppressive, assumption thrown up where you can’t avoid it anymore. It completely restructured my life and gave me a much more fulfilling path.
- What’s the worst thing about being bisexual?
I decided to switch this question around, because I have to answer it from the perspective as a bisexual queer man. The worst part is the constant assumption of being confused or self-hating, that I’m somehow a coward. I do more work, put myself out there in the public as queer more than 90% of the homosexual population, and to have that fact instantly ignored because I happen to also like girls is just… revolting.
- Do you find that closeted people flock to you to describe their situations all the time?
Not really. I think that’s mostly because the circles I tend to congregate in are the aggressively out ones, so closeted folks tend to get scared away.
- Do you find that random people come to you all the time to ask you random questions about gay people/culture in general? (I know I do, and I didn’t know if that was your impetus to start this thread or not.)
I don’t mind so long as people realize that I’m not the authortative answer to The Gay.
What colors are in this season?
According to my closet? White, black and red.
I’ve never had a straight woman tell me she could, or would want to, turn me straight. Rather, they’re perfectly okay with my being gay, but if I ever want to take a walk on the wild side, they’re there for me.
I find this perfectly, and refreshingly healthy. I always let them know, “sugar-tits, trust me, I ever wanna go there, I’ll be knockin’ on your door!”
Great thread…
I once took my older (Straight) brother to my local Gay bar in West Hollywood…he had some interesting questions - for instance, why don’t more Lesbians go to male Gay bars? (I think he was hoping for some girl on girl action to observe, but it was a good question.) I told him in smaller towns, they do, but in bigger cities with more options, it is less common.
He also noticed another difference between Straight guys and Gay guys that night…he said a Straight guy out at a singles bar would usually have sex with almost any woman who would agree to go home with him, whereas Gay guys seemed more picky about what a guy looked like and he was kind of surprised by that. I told him this sometimes changed the later the evening and the more drinks that had been consumed, but for the most part, he was right. Agree?
Dear Gay Guy:
The 1930s called. They want Art Deco back.
Very truly yours, etc.
Priam, matt, thanks for answering! I have some questions specifically for Priam.
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Do people get turned off when they discover you’re bi? Do a lot of people just assume that you’re wishy-washy or something?
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Are you totally sick of those stupid jokes, “Hur, hur, twice the dates available.” I mean I know it may theoretically be true but I’m sure it’s still not as though they’re jumping into your lap! (It’s not as though dates are jumping into anyone’s laps.)
And for **Antinor[/] or Priam or matt or anyone, really?
- What is the best feature about a good-looking guy? Do you notice butts, eyes, or what?
- What is your best feature?
- Is there a secret code to let you know whether a guy is into the same stuff as you…like a certain handshake means “I’m top only”? I’m being a bit silly, but I mean it seriously. Someone else asked this, too - what happens if you get together with a guy who isn’t into the same stuff as you?
- What do you guys feel like when you hear there are women (like me, and others) who prefer watching or reading gay erotica or porn for the same reason straight men like lesbian porn…because there are less of the things we don’t want to see? Do you feel like you’re reduced to your sexuality? (Sorry. )
- Have you ever been propositioned by a female? Has she ever attempted to “change you”?
- Have you ever been approached by a lesbian couple as a prospective sperm donor? (I think someone on this board has, maybe matt? Sampiro?) How did you react? Are you willing? If you never have, would you?
Given that I have a hard time telling when people are interested in the first place, it’s tough for me to say. It would be my impression that women tend to get turned off more than men, since both just immediately assume I’m a confused gay man.
God yes! It’s not even theoretically true if people would sit down and think about it. First, only gay and bisexual guys are even possibly available on one side, a distinctly small percentage of men. Second, it mostly just opens me up for two things: more rejection and the ability to contain misandry and misogyny in one skinny, bitter frame. It’s mostly just flippin’ annoying having to constantly justify my right to exist in a community that should already appreciate the difficulty.
I can understand people, especially lesbians, have gotten burned by “bisexual” people who turned around after college and pretended they were good lil heteros, but it isn’t my job to deal with your baggage. I am open and upfront about every part of me to everybody, and that should earn me the same respect as an open and out homo. It isn’t like I get less flak for liking the penis just because I also happen to like the vagina. For another, it isn’t like I hide the former fact. Yes I could hide, but so could straight allies, no? Why do they get the kudos for choosing not to and I just get tasteless jokes about “bi now gay later dur hur hur”?
Sorry. You opened up a whole new can o’ worms.
I’d say I notice faces and waists. Like that weird crease between the abdomen and the pelvis? Makes me just wanna grab.
Dunno. Low self-esteem will do that to you.
Well, at least in theory, there was/is the handkerchief code. In certain areas and bars, what color and where you place a handkerchief is supposed to identify your kinks and interests. I’ve never seen it done, and it may be one of those urban legends, but it’s the only code I ever heard about.
What happens if a guy is interested in something I’m not? We negotiate. If I’m not strongly against it and he really wants it, I might let him go for it once in a while. If I hate it and he only wants it a little? He may concede. If it’s a dealbreaker for both of us then it might mean we need to break up and just be friends.
I mostly just feel amused and, in interests of full disclosure, slightly turned on myself. The only really weirdness is when a lesbian likes watching gay male porn. I’ve heard the reasoning behind it, but it’s a definite clash of definition.
The only females I’ve ever dated or come close to were at least slightly bisexual themselves, so it’d be stupid of them to try and change me.
I’m 22 and that would disturb me at this point. I know some young lesbian folks who already have future investments in a friend’s testes, but so far my sperm is still free and wild. I might consider it if I really trusted these folks to stick together and raise the kid right, but I’d much prefer they adopted instead.