Ask the guy who was once horribly depressed, and now is living the ecstatic life

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

I was depressed from 2nd grade onwards, pretty much. Hand in hand with that went a drop in self-confidence precipitated by the idiots at school (both classmates as well as nuns)-I was unmercifully teased and bullied, and the powers-that-be did diddly about it, and a good chunk of my teachers were incompetent (not my 1st grade one, whom I was in love with and whom I channel when working with my little ones).

Adolescence made things worse of course, packing the hormones onto an already shaky foundation. I was unable to find a peer group I could relate to (the jocks were well jocks, and the brains were pretentious gits), and usually hung out (when I did-was a loner for the most part) with the weirdos and losers. I had absolutely no idea what I was going to do with my life.

I met my first love during the summer between 10th and 11th grades: cute, funny, artistic AND scientific, and we clicked from the start. She was able to bring the best out of me, and I her. Her highly overprotective (immigrant) parents however put the kibosh on any relationship (she was 2 years younger), and while we didn’t sneak around exactly, most of our activities (we never got beyond 1st base and that only later) that summer were during the day when they were at work. Since she went to another school, I eagerly waited for the summers to come along again (we had condos in the same beachfront building).

Fast-forward to graduation and college; I went someplace out of town where my dad thought I should go (to get an engineering degree that I was 0% motivated about). After 3 semesters the ennui, lack of motivation, and utter lack of confidence all came to a head and I flunked out. Meanwhile my sweetheart had become old enough to get out from under her parents’ thumbs, but her friend had the hots for me. I said some things I shouldn’t, and she (sweetheart) never forgave me, and we drifted apart.

That didn’t cause the depression to come to a head tho; that was already happening. I would lay in bed saying the most vile things to myself, convinced that I was absolutely worthless, in between fantasizing about being with her of course. Even tho we had broken up, she was the only thing keeping me going; I would stand on the balcony of our condo wondering if I had the courage to end it all, but she and the hope of getting back together stayed my leap.

In the next 9 years I was prescribed antidepressants, which helped a bit, but I remained unmotivated and in a rut.

Well, therein lies the tale. I’ll say a couple of things first; I’m going to get a lot of :dubious:'s here, but that can’t be helped. The choice I was faced with was a stark one, but one I chose absolutely without hesitation (even tho in some ways I didn’t realize the nature of the choice I had made until awhile later). Second, the event ultimately wasn’t important-it was instead the process that it began, which begat further processes. A journey of self-discovery, among many other things.

It was November 1991-the weekend before Thanksgiving, if you want to know. Our house was on the St. John’s River (I had lived there since 1973), and I was idly looking out the back window as it flowed along its merry way. I knew my dad would be selling it soon (since he and mom didn’t live there anymore and hence it was a money pit). Suddenly the thought entered my head: “It would be damned shame if you had lived here all this time and never had gotten to really know all the wildlife, but the birds especially.”

So, with that thought in mind, I got my spotting scope out of the closet where it had been languishing, and I (and my black lab) went into the backyard to set it up on the tripod.

Just then a dark shape swooped out of the tree to my immediate left and alighted on the lamppost in the middle of the yard, not more 20 feet away. The bird in question was turned 3/4ths of the way away from me, but I could clearly see a dark “sideburn”, long pointed wings and tail, yellow around the beak and eyes-and the deepest blue I’ve ever seen on its back. I was so flabbergasted that I didn’t bother to get the scope on it (nor did it turn around to look back at us).

It soon flew off to the other end of the yard into a bush, and I finally got the scope on it; that deep blue back filled my eyepiece.

It then took off down the coast, and I lost it. I hurriedly went inside and consulted my bird books (I knew it had to have been some sort of hawk). When I came across a pic of a peregrine falcon I was struck dead with amazement at my bird sitting there on the page!

From that moment on I was in the yard every spare moment. Oh the memories, triumphs and tragedies: the pair of barred owls, the male dying (a neighbor found him), the female mourning him for a solid week; the wrens who kept trying to raise a brood, only to have a snake or blue jays eat them, finally suceeding in the safety of my garage; the pileateds, the female killed by my other neighbor’s dog, the male fledgling dying on the trunk of a tree (I rushed him to our local rehabbers, to no avail), the adult male teaching his surviving daughter how to find bugs.

Only a few months later did it consciously dawn on me that something was trying to send me a message. Emboldened, I went back to school, graduated with highest honors (I had been an underachieving goof before then, in and out of class), and eventually got into teaching, unf***ing all my old scars and fears and remaking myself anew, learning a lot of new modes of living in the process. It is true that at first biology seemed to be the path for me, but I lost patience with it after a few years, and detoured into tutoring when I noticed that I got across tricky concepts to my students much easier when they came to me 1-1 in my office than I did as a TA in class.

[To be continued]

22

With the autobiography pretty much done, I’ll focus more on the hows and wherefores. A lot of this may be difficult to get across in mere words, but I’ll try, and some of it probably will sound pretentious I will admit. First of all nature did serve as a crucible for me; in a sense I was being remade from the toes up psychologically, very much in the same way that a caterpillar is. I got out of myself, you see, out of my own way and let the experiences with the birds around me that I had redefine me. By focusing on the external world and not pumping energy into my neuroses, I deprived them of the energy they needed, and they withered on the vine. I also used some healthy cognitive therapy, tho only later was this conscious; at the time it was more like"Hey! I’m pretty good at this-let’s keep exploring!" Confidence level soared as a result, and I knew I could handle school.

The other key component of this time was realizing that triggering my compassion was the key. I lived and died with the lives of the birds around me (as I indicated above), and this motivated me to want to go back to school to help them. Later on as I said that focus shifted to helping children; putting myself back into the shoes of the person I was back in the dark days I then grasped that I was ignorant of that aspect of myself, and it was always dancing just out of sight of consciousness.

The broader point is that you need something to shift the focus; for some it might be painting, or music. Get out of your own way, realize that your fictions about yourself are just that, open yourself to life unconditionally and fully. And, getting back to the original precipitating event, yes I do draw strength from that; if that means I think that there is something behind the scenes giving me what I need, then guilty I plead. Note I had already made the commitment-the bird just confirmed my choice instantly. I definitely feel like the universe will give back to you what you put into it, but it must be sincere; you have to want to change.

A lot of what I was doing in the first decade kind of operated on a subconscious level (somewhere in the interface between that and waking consciousness). It was a few years later that I came across the Taoist concept of Wu Wei and instantly comprehended that I was already doing that in a big way without realizing it.

Yes I can. As some of my recent posts today indicate, this afternoon I was stood up by someone I thought I was clicking strongly with (but whom it turns out I had misjudged) and yes was infatuated with. After a few hours worth of reflection (and some healthy SI therapy), I’m perfectly fine.

This was a threefold process, occuring over a period of several years in the last decade; first was reading some Buddhist texts several years ago and realizing that I needed to cultivate non-attachment in a very big way. Another tricky concept to try to get across; I remember a story about a Buddhist monk somewhere who would go absolutely rapturous every time he saw flowers. This sounds strange when you conceptualize Buddhist monks as being all detached from worldly phenomena, but it makes sense in a way. He was deeply appreciative of them, but he could also instantly let them go. It’s when you grasp onto things and try to hold them that causes problems-and in the dark times I definitely and fiercely held onto every single negative opinion of myself.

The second was understanding that by letting other people and external events affect you that you are giving up your power and energy to them. Only you are responsible for how you react, not they, and likewise by giving up your power to your inner neuroses you allow them to run your life too.

The third was realizing (just a few months ago and soon after #2) that I had joy all backwards (as do most people): it isn’t that flowers and birds and such bring you joy, but instead the joy already within you flows forth into the world. Why allow someone (a dishonest person you were trying to sincerely relate to, say) take all that away from me?

23

So, having somewhat quickly skimmed your massive missive, it’s mostly all vague about what actually happened that turned your life around. The only paragraph I noted that seemed to get close to being specific was the one about Buddhism.

So did you find Buddhism? In particular, did you learn the Buddhist idea of non-attachment?

24

Well thanks for filling us in. After reading that, I think I prefer to remain depressed.

25

Don’t mind them, I am moved by your story. It isn’t something everyone can find a path to, but I congratulate you nevertheless.

26

Um, obviously he did.

27

Well, it wouldn’t if you used a joy rag. We don’t appreciate your joy puddles everywhere.

28

Don’t let the misanthropes get you down. I appreciated hearing your story. It sounds like you found your passion, started moving in the direction of your values and got in some cognitive restructuring to boot.

I’ve been depressed all of my life, and I learn to cope with it better each day, but part of dealing with it, for me, is accepting that it’s just going to be a part of my daily experience.

I’ve also gotten a lot of good stuff out of Buddhism. So thanks for sharing your story, and giving us all something to think about.

29

Lotta dicks around here, OP. Don’t take it personally.

I think your story is great! I’m a Christian but have read about non-attachment and I definitely think there’s something to it. I think it’s wonderful that what you’ve found is working for you :slight_smile:

30

You are just my opposite. I was happy in my early 20’s and now in my forties I’m depressed as hell.

31

I believe what you’re saying and that it changed you. You were depressed because your life was on the wrong path and you got no enjoyment from anything. You found something that envigorated you and interested you enough to feel like your life was not a waste of time.

Could there possibly be different types of depression? I think there are times when you should be depressed and you take that and examine your life to find a way to be more satisfied. I’m depressed to a large extent because i’m trying to be successful in a career that I really don’t enjoy, so every task I have to do is like a rock dragging my soul into a dark pit.

Then there’s purely brain chemical depression (and there can be an infinite range of combinations of the two) where finding a goal or thing that brings joy to life just isn’t going to happen.

Perhaps your depression leaned towards the type that was there for a reason, to try to force you to follow a path more in tune with yourself.

32

Its a good story. Thank you for sharing it. Maybe tomorrow I might be able to ask some questions, but in the meantime I wanted to affirm the effort.

33

Me too. There’s a lost opportunities and regrets portion to my depression that’s hard to get past and a time’s-a-wasting urgency. In my 20’s there was an excitement about the future and the wole world was fresh and exciting to me.

34

Thanks for sharing what’s worked for you, John. I appreciated your story!

LH

35

Almost certainly, but it is also a chicken and egg issue. When you have been depressed from childhood you never get to see the good in life, you never learn habits that can get you over a slump. So not only are you depressed but you also have no idea what life has to offer and no coping skills to deal with the bad.

36

I appreciate your story, too, and I’m glad that you’ve found this happiness for yourself. The more joyful, fulfilled people there are, the better this world will be.

37

Thanks for sharing this! “Getting out of your own head” is a theme that pops up frequently in depression discussions. It seems to really work for certain types. And yeah, it may not work for all, but the more people share what works for them, the more data we have and the more we can all work to help each other.

My only difficulty lies in this quote:

I have never figured out how to reconcile this with the emotional closeness I prefer to share with my spouse and others who are very close to me. If I don’t give up some of my power to them, and let them affect me, I don’t feel the joy they bring me. I can successfully protect myself from being hurt, but then I lose the good stuff too.

38

I have found something that I like to do and I’m almost obsessive about it in my intensity with it. I think “creative flow” is a wonderful salve for the mind. And yet, I am still dealing with depression. It has gotten a lot better over the past few years and I have been feeling happy lately (I blame the drugs :)). But always in the background is a grayness that takes me to bad places when things don’t work out. I felt it the other day when dealing with a relatively minor hassle. City Hall red tape should not trigger suicidal ideation.

I do not think I’m a grouch or that I’m overly cynical. Nor do I think my outlook is negative (it’s non-existent…just like a good Buddhist’s :)). I believe the OP when he says he got over his depression by looking on the outside and not becoming too attached to anything while appreciating everything. But it is my opinion that sometimes a person can become depressed if that’s all they do.

Sometimes badness during childhood directly causes a person hate themselves. But other people cope with problems by divorcing themselves from their emotions and becoming an automaton. If you experience negative feelings every day, they can’t start to seem useless. So you shut them off…along with all the other feelings. And then much later in your life, something happens and you realize that you don’t have “insides”…that you’ve been existing on the “outside” at the expense of your “inside”. And this realization–that you are empty and dead inside–plunges you into depression.

The solution for this person is going to be different from the one you’d give someone in the OP’s situation. My life is very productive and I do feel the rewards from this. But I am depressed…and not because of self-loathing delusions or irrational fears either.

39

It’s heartbreaking to me to consider the possibility that nothing a person does (inner or outer) will ever cure them of depression (or other mental issues). I’m a strong believer in “no fate”, and I don’t think anything can’t ever be overcome-a way MUST exist. Even now when I look back a part of me remains absolutely mystified at it all, not comprehending how I dealt with all that by just doing what in the end analysis were just simple little things-but I did. And now I am about to deal with another nagging long-term issue (idealizing to death every single female I try to hook up with). IOW I guess you can put me into the first category then, but I despair for those who haven’t found any “cure” of whatever sort.

Thanks for the replies.

40

The power you willingly surrender to another is still yours to spend as you wish. As long as you own it, and not pass the responsibility off to them, you should be fine. :cool: