Ask the Intergalactic Gladiator

Happy Monday, everyone.

Since this is Mundane Pointless Stuff I Must Share, I figure that the most mundane, pointless thing that I could share would be an “Ask the Intergalactic Gladiator” thread. The only way it could ever be more appropriate for this forum if it was called Mundane Pointless Stupid Stuff I Must Share.

Anyway, this will be great fun (in theory). Go ahead, ask me any question about space, intergalactic gladiatoring, how many blows to the head I’ve received. Anything.

Which alien races make the toughest opponents?

Are the fights in zero-G, or is there some other way to compensate for stronger/weaker gravity wherever the fights are held?

Could you describe a typical match? Is it a match in one location against foes from across the galaxies, or is a match that takes place across the galaxies?

There are a lot of tough opponents out there. The Psychlos are pretty bad, but fortunately they’re from an awful story and are poorly characterized. Space vampires are always tough as are Orwelian pantherbots. I did lose a match to Octupus Primeonce do to interference by my annoyingly unfunny comedy relief sidekick Jo Jo the Monkeyboy (who’s dead now, fortunately), but I’m not sure what race prime is.

Most contests santioned by the Intergalactic Gladiator Entertainment (formerly the Intergalactic Gladiator Federation until they lost that lawsuit) are held on Planet Hacknor in the Horizon Ampitheater. I guess fights could be in Zero-G, but I’ve never been in one.

It’s one location against foes from across galaxies. Two opponents generally square off in front of a crowd and the last man standing wins. Typically it’s mano a mano (or equivalent) but weapons like laser tridents or sonic stunners are also used. Gladitorial matches often settle disputes between warring groups and actually replace wars for beings who feel they’re evolved past that sort of thing.

And yes, these matches are real.

How did you become an Intergalactic Gladiator? Do you have to start as a Tri-County Gladiator, and work your way up through Intercontinental, Interplanetary, etc?

I became an intergalactic gladiator in order to save Earth from destruction, something the people on this planet may never know and appreciate.

Sounds all mysterious and cool, doesn’t it?

I have always wondered, what is the etymological connection between “gladiator” and “gladiolus?”

How did you feel about the ban on radio-chemical stimulants?

Who is tougher, Techno-destructo or Bozo-destructo and just where the heck is the Cosmic Control Tape these days?

There is a connection, but only if you’re willing to fight flower with flower.

I’ve never used radio-chemical stimulants. As one of the good guys, I feel it would be unfair to give myself an unatural advantage. That and it makes my pee glow.

Techno-Destructo is tougher, but at least has some kicking dance rhythms playing when he fights. Bozo-Destructo just wants to hit you with a cream pie.

I don’t know where the Cosmic Control Tape is. I wasn’t supposed to watch it, was I?

What sort of endorsement opportunities do you get?

There are some. I get a cut of the merchandising that is produced and gladiators work with IGE’s Senior Vice President of Marketing and Talent Coordination J’onn Sinew Nu for that.

And the conversion between space bucks and American dollars isn’t easy, either.

Did you know I had to register with this site just so I could post this question?

Weren’t you already registered? How many Professor X’s are out there? Wait, are you the evil twin from the evil dimension or anything?

What is the density of hydrogen molecules in intergalactic space?

Is it true what they say about Xaqbar the Annihilator from Galaxy M235? I mean, yes, it’d explain why they never were able to find Jub-Jub 75’s internal organs, but wouldn’t it be obvious in the pre-fight full-body scans that they make you guys take?

I must admit that I’m and Intergalactic Gladiator and not an intergalactic physicist, but I do believe that hydrogen has the same mass of 1.00794 u anywhere you go.

You know what they say about Jub-Jub’s internal organs: No one can eat just one.

Do you get good medical coverage?

It’s decent, but doesn’t cover acts of gods. My wife has insurance through Chicago Public Schools and it’s actually better.