Ask the Lord.

Dear Lord.

Please grant the moderators patience and understanding.
Do not let them ban Ask The threads, because of the abundance at this moment.
Let them not get the itchy finger of thread death called locked.
Let the flood pass as all things do in this world.
Let the works of these men survive your judgment, so we may know your benevolence.


Remember you will not receive a direct answer to this thread, because that ain’t the way God works. Recipient of awards by God are responsible for all state and federal taxes. By entering a request for God you agree to not hold said party responsible for any damages resulting in the grant of the request. This includes but is not limited to death, flooding, plagues, or any disaster declared an act of God. Disputes will be mediated in Purgatory in not more than 60 days from application of written complaint.

ETA: Oh nevermind, I am not as funny as I sometimes think I am.

I pray you will be with the opening poster in heart and mind to improve his sense of humor. Amen :smiley:

Dear Lord,
Why haven’t you retired already? Palm Springs is kind of nice for people of you age and background. Do you play shuffleboard? Ever been on a cruise? For a one time payment of $99 I can get you all the way to Cazumel from Palm Springs.

SSG Schwartz

Are you Spiritual or Temporal?

Dear Lord,

Thanks. I mean it, really. Thank you. :slight_smile:


(P.S. Seriously, what is the deal with Stonehenge?)

Dear Lord,

Please bring grace to the theist/atheist divide on the Dope. Also, can you smite all the girls who wont date me? Thanks.


Dear Lord,

A quick edit: in order not to be smited by you, I will have to start dating Autolycus.

Sweet Lord, most merciful and benevolent Lord, give me strength.


Dear Lord,
Thank you for the quick response. I shall flagellate myself extra hard today. One more quick favor though… it’s kinda embarrassing, but you know everything right, so what the hell… err heck sorry. Can you cure my genital herpes? That would be super.
Your buddy,

Dear Lord,

Please grant the Dallas Cowboys defense strength this week.

I realize my prayer may be unnecessary since the Cowboys are your favorite and most blessed team.

Thank you, generally, for you willingness to meddle in the outcome of human sporting events… especially in America.


::checks Bear’s location::

Dear Lord,

Strike down the blasphemer…

Dear Lord:

Won’t you buy me a Mercedes-Benz?

If not, a color TV or a night on the town will do.


Dear Lord,

Big fan, see you soon.

Your bud,** bbs2k**.


Dear Lord,

I am Mr Ibrahim Ngamo-Ososo, a solicitor at law and a personal attorney to late Mr Albert Agwagwune, hereinafter shall be referred to as my client. My client worked as an independent contractor to the Shell Development Company here in Lagos, Nigeria.

I have contacted you to assist in repatriating a fund valued at SEVENTEEN MILLION AND FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS ($17,500,000) left behind by my client with one security and finance firm here in Lagos before it gets confiscated or declared unserviceable by the finance and security firm where this amount were deposited.

Be advised that this transaction is 100% risk-free as this transaction will remain sealed for life at the conclusion which will not take more than three weeks.

I await your immediate response so that I will give you a more comprehensive detail as regards to this transaction.

Barrister Mr Ibrahim Ngamo-Ososo
Lagos, Nigeria

Dear Lord;

Why me?

I could ask for a lot, *Oh Lord won’t you buy me a Mercedes Benz * style, but how about just restoring my childhood innocence and youthful idealism instead?

ETA: You’re pretty cool, but please please please protect me from your fan club.

Dear Mighty White Whiskered One,

Ignore the postings of the blasphemous cretins who ask for material things in order that their miserable existence can be more comfortable, they deserve the squalor in which they wallow, befuddled with drink and other noxious substances.

Ignore those who ask for women to date them, they have carnal thoughts in mind and if you were to grant them their wish they would soon forget about you.

Verily I say unto you, grant to me, your most humble servant of them all, anything, anything at all just so long as it isn’t nasty.

My e-mail is in my profile on the off chance you had your PC fixed since we last spoke.


Dear Lord,
May I assume from the abundance of poison ivy, chiggers, ticks and mosquitoes that you are just not very nice?

itching to be yours,

Dear Lord:

Would Jesus wear a Rolex on his television show?

Dear Lord:

Does it really bother do you when people take your name in vain? Even when it’s done creatively?