Dear Lord,
Please start posting on the SDMB. I am certain you could settle a few arguments around here.
Sincerely,
DJ
Dear Lord,
I often pray that you’ll help me live up to my potential. If you are helping me, do you feel bad for making me such a directionless slacker?
Oh, and do you even like burritos?
elfie
Dear Lord,
Do you really love all those people who everyone else thinks is an asshole, like it says on the bumper sticker? Why do you love assholes, Lord? They don’t love you, not really.
God,
Save the queen.
Dear Lord,
Please forgive freckafree’s petty jealousies. You and I know that usually my personal assistant would be typing these messages but I generously gave her the month off with pay.
Also, my supermodel wife’s identical twin sister is on her way over to Autolycus’ house. She’s bringing along a large supply of Viagra, vitamin E and her sorority sisters from Eta Pi.
God, damn it!
The fascist regime.
Why won’t women stay in love with me?
Lord (if you’re really out there), why do I keep screwing things up?
Is it wrong that I say ‘for Pete’s sake !’ as an exclamation when I am an atheist and the Pete I am referring to is Peter Frampton and I say this because for 'F’s sake is something I believe in but is crude and I just want to fit in down here with my endless sentences and stuff?
Dear Lord,
What body spray does Jesus use? My friends all say Tag, but I think he wears Axe.
Thanks.
P.S. Does the Holy Ghost poop?
Dear Lord,
Forget about the burrito question, I have a better one. Why don’t I ever inspire guys to become completely lovelorn and beg strangers on message boards for their help in winning me over? If you grant me that power, I will only use it for good. I swear.
elfie
Dear Lord,
What’s up with cats? I’m suspecting schizophrenia.
TIA.
God,
Why did you design it up so that asthmatics have their worst symptoms in the middle of the night?
Why did you design men so that the only way to check their prostate is with a finger up the ass?
Dr. B
Dear Lord,
I don’t pray at the churches/temples/mosques erected in your honor. All those people ever seem to be interested in is one-upsmanship over each other while spreading hate in the hallways after services anyway. Still, I know what is right and I do it every day, as you’ve implied that we should. Even when it hurts me to do so, I do what’s right. I figured that in your omniscience you’d know that and that you’d take care of me and my family if we worked hard, lived in a manner above reproach, and did what was right. But somehow, we’re not thriving.
For a long while I figured that all great works of art had minor background players whose job it was to make the major characters look good. And I’ve reconciled myself that I and mine are less than one back-ground speck of paint on your Sistine Chapel with the uncomfortable understanding that your attentions are saved for your major characters who unfold in the history of the world that is on-going. Still, it would be nice to know that we have some value in your eyes.
I work hard and do what’s right in the workplace, but you’ve seen fit to make the deceptive, the evil, and the sadistic rise and thrive over me while my career withers. You’ve allowed evil concepts like ‘multi-tasking’, forced time management, and productivity metrics whip at my back as hard as any demon’s whip in Hell, making myself and others like me suffer in torment although we have committed no sin. You have placed us under brutal demons who delight in our punishment and torture called ‘managers’, who themselves are brutalized and tortured by the demonic hierarchy of management leading up the to doors of arch-demon Directors, CEOs and CFOs.
You have allowed us to fight and struggle with each other in daily sadistic gladiatorial matches known as ‘commuting’. You’ve made us need ‘money’ in order to feed our families, a framework system where we must constantly guard against thieves and money-lenders intent on finding ways to force our families to live with less while they take more, all the while laughing with glee just out of ear-shot.
I am the way that you made me. I am this honest; it’s who I’ll always be. Are you saying that doing the right thing is no longer worthy of value and success in this world you’ve created? Are you saying that the world has moved on and that I didn’t get the memo? Are you saying that it’s now OK to cheat, steal, spread lies, and be deceptive as long as I prostheletize sufficiently? (Because there are always lots of people like that around me, drawing big salaries, and who never seem to have any bills)
I’m starting to feel like you aren’t holding up your end. Have you forgotten your promise? Have you forgotten us? I’m getting REALLY tired of “Good people must suffer so that Evil can be seen in contrast from Good.” I may be less than a spec of your dirt, but maybe its takes someone of such low value to tell the emperor about fashion.
And you, Sir, are Not Doing Your Job.
slap
Snap out of it! Vacation’s over, Chief. Get to work making this world a better place and making it easier for us to be able to feed our families in peace and without strife.
…NOW!!!
Dear God, please don’t smite Count Blucher. He’s not himself today.
My sweet Lord:
I really want to see you. Really want to be with you.