I am fascinated by this thread. I am curious to know, in your opinion, how much progress you think has been made re. societal acceptance/awareness of LGBT issues. A few questions:
(1) In my personal opinion, I think a lot more progress has been made in terms of respecting homosexual people than has been made towards accepting intersex and transsexual people. Would you agree?
(2) I think my peers have gotten more accepting of such differences than they were when we were younger, but I’m not sure if that’s indicative of society as a whole, or simply indicative of my peers maturing from children into adults. You mentioned going around to speak at high schools. How much of a difference would you say there is between high school attitudes towards these issues now, as opposed to when you were in school?
(3) Have you discovered that certain age groups, cultures, etc. are more accepting of your differences than others? Who have you found to be more or less accepting?
This is another case where kids have educated me. The last high school I spoke at I was surprised by the number of questions, many digging and even plaintive, about asexual. This was something I had never really thought about much nor encountered that much (I know more about it now, and have good friends and one of my best friends as asexual trans and cisgender people). Also, many of them seemed to be much more gender fluid than I would expect, and again, I have to continue to adapt to that.
Excellent points and perspectives. And there are two things I want to add for those in the audience, especially parents, and it’s not a threat, it’s fact:
If your kids can get pot, booze, and cigarettes, they can also get ahold of hormones. Sometimes black market hormones, sometimes they mega-dose on birth control pills. Both are dangerous, especially without an endocrinologist having screened for liver and other problems first. Also, if they can’t get hormones, they will grab at pseudoscience straws - I know a girl who OD’d on black cohosh, trying desperately to get “hormones” she needed. “Putting your foot down on all this gender foolishness” isn’t going to stop a thing, only delay it.
Gender-repressed teens become suicidal teens. Enough said.
Parents of transkids who are accepting and brave are heroes to me. Keep strong for you and your daughter!
Absolutely. I used to self-mutilate, hurt myself, hit myself, and just generally be so disgusted with my body that I sometimes would wish for a car accident or illness to get rid of it.
My body’s not perfect. I’ve gone through huge changes, but I never delude myself that I’m a cisgender woman. Lately I’ve been wistful about not being able to be a mom. But now I take care of my body, and while I don’t “love” it, I’m not unhappy or resentful - it just is.
I also developed a spirituality which I never had before. I can’t define it as a belief in a deity, but more like a belief that somehow I’m much greater than the sum of my parts, if that makes sense? Sometimes I can sit and just have total inner peace, something I never had before unless I was drunk. I’m going to start meditation with another professional transwoman and I’m hoping that will help even more to center me, so to speak.
For some inextricable reason, every time your name comes up I seem to remember you as the person who spotted the penis protruding from a Sears boxer shorts ad.
Was that true and if so does that mean anything at all ?
I’m learning - for example, I used to be a manager who was more submissive - I would tend to listen much more than talk, and let my subordinates and assistants have much more profile and freedom. Sometimes let them lead the entire meeting or conference. Other women, especially VP-level women, tell me I need to structure meetings now so I can get myself out in front first and “wow” the clients with something big in the first 5 minutes - rather than building up to it. They say I also need to not be afraid to just speak up when someone is trampling on me, but to do it highly professionally.
On the second part, I now name-drop - when the last plumber came over, I was home on vacation, so he met a woman dressed like June Cleaver holding a wine glass, lounging around the kitchen while he worked. But I name-dropped right away I was a professor of engineering and a consultant, and I asked him a few technical but not-so-hard-he-couldn’t-answer-them questions. What was funny is he is our regular plumber, although he had not been out in 2 years. He kept calling me my wife’s name, despite my telling him my name, and asking me about my husband, how he was doing, what we’d done for vacation, etc. I asked if he remembered what my husband looked like, and he thought and said “dark haired guy with glasses…I think he’s shorter than you?” Absolutely no recognition whatsoever.
It depends on time scales, and relative progress. I’ll give you my opinion:
From 1990-present, LG persons have gained enormous acceptance throughout society.
From 2010-present, transgender persons have gained enormous acceptance throughout society.
Intersex people have gained very little change in acceptance, save for in the medical establishment.
For all the gains transgender persons have made recently, we’re a very long way away from the same level of acceptance as LG persons. Even a significant minority of the LG community doesn’t want to associate with us (there is a small minority of the trans community which feels the same, in reverse.)
I’m leaving out B, A, Q, etc. folks because I cannot really quantify progress. I would think that B progress tracks with LG.
I’m very fortunate that I live in a metropolitan area in the ultra-conservative Midwest which is very trans-friendly. It’s also very LGB-friendly as well.
OMG…it’s night and day. Let me write in two paragraphs.
When I went to HS, a straight kid was beaten bloody for wearing a “gay” pink shirt. There was not one single out LGBT person, ever. A rumor that a cheerleader had made a lesbian advance on another girl (later proved false when the accuser recanted) was enough to cause her to be physically attacked by other girls AND boys, and eventually she left school. On “wear jeans or you’re gay day”, if you didn’t wear jeans, you could be punched, kicked, stabbed with pens or pencils, beaten, and/or have your car vandalized. “Fag”, “homo”, etc. were bandied about routinely as insults, even by the teachers - I remember an English teacher who called a senior a “homo” in class! In gym, I personally witnessed a kid being beaten with the coach’s urging and laughter, because the coach said he was a “homo” for “shaving his legs” (in reality, I never made enough testosterone to grow leg hair more than any other girl would have, and so my beating was for nothing).
When I spoke at my old HS this fall, I was stunned. Almost every single classroom door has a rainbow sign on it which proclaimed “This is an LGBTQA… safe room!” There is a large active Gay Student Alliance with many teachers as core members. At my school there are about 50 “out” LGBT kids, and they claim there are about double that who are about to come out. My escort when I was picked up was a polite young lady, and when we were walking through the halls, her girlfriend skipped up through the crowd, kissed her, and they entwined arms and both led me to where I was lecturing. And as we passed scores of kids, I looked in their faces, and saw not one sign of staring, displeasure, or hate. In fact, many stopped to say “hi” to the two ladies or give them quick hugs. When I was speaking in front of the students, I teared up and stopped in the middle of a monologue, and told the kids “you don’t know how beautiful what you have here in your GSA is. This would have saved me in high school. Never forget what I tell you about the way it was, never take for granted the space you have now, never fail to fight for your equal rights and equal respect, and never, ever, lose hope.” Some student cried while I spoke. Afterwards, I received a large, wonderful card filled with heartfelt messages from the students, some telling me to never give up hope, and to be strong, and that they were praying for me to always be happy, etc. The card made me tear up too. It was a fantastic, spectacular memory of my high school, to replace some of the hellish ones.
That’s difficult to say - in my experience, I’ve had the least acceptance from 25-35 year-old Christian white males, and the most acceptance from white women over 40 or under 20. But my experience is highly limited and restricted, and since I pass and can submerge, I don’t have as much opportunity to have people react to me as a transperson.
Thank you for this thread, Una. Until recently I had you pegged as a mannish woman a la Lady Haden-Guest. Then I read Acceptance (note that it’s a porno story, but obeys the two-click rule) a year or so ago and everything seemed to click, but thought that you had long ago finished your internal and medical struggles. I had no idea of the length or the depth of your struggles. I’m really glad that it’s sorted for you, and thank you for fighting my ignorance.
I remember the thread, but I’m definitely not that person.
I’m better now. I used to be a cast-iron, irrational, emotional, and sometimes nutty bitch on here. I posted a lot of things I regret and insulted a lot of people in ways I feel badly about. I can’t say I’m sorry enough to many people. I could get caught up in that past, or just move forward and try to be my best.
I wish I had transitioned earlier, but…my time of transition was the right time for me. I mean, yes, I and many of my peers of equal age look at the transkids entering puberty - their proper puberty - with a wistful jealousy. Those transgirls will get the hips, the breasts, the skin, hair, and other features the transgender women only can dream about - and which I was shortchanged on by faulty DNA. My transition in 2012 required stepping out with one foot over the abyss, as I wrote, but it was also the right time. To turn your social, legal, employment, family, and other life entirely upside down is no easy task, nor can it be done lightly. The road to completeness is littered with broken families, ruined lives, and gravestones from those who moved too fast or when they were not certain and committed. I of course had other issues which I mention a few times, but it’s a similar thing.
The baggers are more of a problem for the young transsexuals, especially the young ones who have just entered the community and are awash in hormones, feeling a sense of liberation and relief, and in “14 year old girl mode.” The baggers seem to leave both older and more experienced girls alone, unless they give clear signals that they want to be taken home and fucked.
The baggers tend not to like me very much, because I keep sticking my nose into things and guiding the young ones away from them. Or at least I counsel the young ones to be very, very careful. The baggers don’t like me and I don’t like them, and sometimes when we meet the tension is high. There are a lot of cut directs and cut indirects in conversation, and in one incident one of the baggers threatened me.
The chasers are a mix. They tend to be very polite, low-pressure, and about half of them seem to be cisgender guys who are decent but just are intrigued by t-girls. While some find that distasteful, I say “well, some men like blondes, some like Asian gals, some like thin girls…and some like t-girls.” An amazingly large amount appear to be big good-ol-boys who are especially polite to us. Lots of “ma’am’s”, some slow dancing, alcohol, take you out to dinner at a pricy restaurant…they woo the girls in ways they always dreamed would happen, and the girls very often respond to it.
The other half of the chasers are also low-pressure, but tend to be creepy. They tend to sit nursing a drink and stare…and stare…and stare at us. Sometimes they stand, totally still, just watching, no emotion on their face. Only one time was a chaser somewhat rude to us - one, after staring and watching us play pool for about an hour or so, walked up and asked in a loud voice “Are all of you lesbians?” Never wishing to let a line go to waste, I said “we are now.” He stared at me for about 10 seconds, with no emotion on his face, then turned around, went back to where he had been standing before, and resumed the staring.
I think I understand where some of them are coming from. It’s one thing to find a not quite middle aged man with gorgeous grey hair attractive but I don’t think I’d respond well to someone whose primary interest in me was because I am a not quite middle aged man with gorgeous grey hair.
Another thing to consider is that many of us have serious problems finding anyone for romance, and even more problems finding love. So we take what we can get.
How do you find therapists and physicians who are experienced in treating transmen and transwomen? As a primary care doctor, I am often the first person my patients talk to. While am comfortable prescribing ongoing maintenance hormones for my trans-patients, I don’t have the training to initiate hormone therapy. I run into problems when, for example, I meet a teenager who has been buying hormones from a third-world country over the internet. While I’m about 30 minutes away from a major metropolitan area (DC), many patients don’t have the time or resources to travel that far. I have had one very bad experience with referring a transfemale patient to a therapist who I felt was open-minded and could help with a variety of issues, and was upset to get a report back that the patient was obviously a “receptive homosexual” who simply couldn’t accept “his” homosexuality. (I’m still furious years later and glad that my patient-who is a lovely straight transgendered woman-did not blame me). Since then, I have been trying hard to find therapists and physicians with the knowledge and experience to help my patients but it’s very difficult.
Another question: What is the preferred list of initials to be all inclusive? Should I be referring to the LGBTQIA community?