Asking advice - where and when should we move in together?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

After dispensing much advice to strangers here I find myself asking for it for the first time. I’m stuck. Sorry this is so long!

About 3 1/2 years ago I met the woman I intend to spend the rest of my life with (I’m 50, she’s a few years younger; I have no kids and she has a terrific boy now 12). I live in a 1 1/2 bedroom new townhouse near the city, in a lively and happening area that I love - lots of restaurants, people of all different ages, types, shapes and colours, the diversity that is the best of what I love about Sydney. It’s near a major university so has lots of students and creative types around.

She lives in a large 5 bedroom older house somewhat further from the city, in a quiet suburban neighbourhood that’s reasonably well-off but, frankly, boring. The area has been transformed by the building of a huge shopping plaza that has sucked out what little life there was left around there. There is exactly one decent restaurant within 4 blocks of her place, whereas there’d be 40 that close to my place.

Her house was about 40% renovated when we met; now she’s thrown everything she has into getting the renovations completed in the last 2 years and is nearly done. Whether consciously or not, I suspect this is basically intended to prepare for me to move in there.

I love her and her boy, and want us to live together, but I just don’t like the area she lives in. She likes my area (being an artist and designer) but she has such a huge emotional and financial investment in her current place she’s understandably reluctant to sell everything she’s been working towards for the 8 or so years she’s lived there. She’s poured her creativity into this place and it is great, I have to say. I was able to help with some of the planning and decisions, and all that went very well.

Where she lives is quite close to her work, but where I live is quite close to her son’s school. She and her son have friends in both areas, but more in hers than mine. We’d need to buy a new place in my area as my home is far too small; she has set conditions on what kind of place she’d agree to move into in my area which make it, not actually impossible but very unlikely to fully meet; things like needing views in a certain direction, big enough so she could have a studio, off-street parking, lots of storage, and so on. Consciously or not, she’s making it difficult for the decision to go my way.

For my part, perhaps I’m exaggerating the attractiveness of my area to me and the disinterest I have toward living in her area, I don’t know. To add to all this I have something of a track record of giving in to domestic pressure and agreeing to stuff I later regret, which I’m determined not to do this time as the knowledge that I’ve done all the compromising has eaten away at previous relationships. This time I don’t want to give in for the sake of an easy life, I’ve always regretted that in the past.

Perhaps we’re too accommodating, but neither of us feels entitled to directly ask the other to leave the house they love and move into the other’s area.

About 6 months ago I gave myself 2 years to sort this out; again I didn’t want to rush into things this time (for instance, in my previous marriage I starting living with my wife-to-be only 6 weeks after meeting her and we married after only a year). I’ve been searching real estate in my area most weekends and have found only one place that was close to suitable, so the odds of finding that perfect place to tempt her away don’t look good!

So as I see it the options are:
1/ I give up my beloved home and area and just move in with her and her son, basically suck it up big boy!
2/ I press on and try to find somewhere in my area that conforms to her requirements, basically taking her at her word
3) keep going as we are and hope some solution presents itself

It seems to be she’s starting to get a bit restless with things as they are; for instance she’s created a space in her house where “a desk would go, if someone were to move in” :slight_smile: , and I fully understand that as it’s been over 3 years. I’m not 100% sure I’m ready for the full-on hectic 24x7 family life thing yet, I feel like I’m still working through some issues from my marriage that was ending just as we met. Some stuff is still pretty raw. But I’m also not sure that I’m not just making excuses for things to go on as they are; I love things as they are, I stay at her place 3-4 times a week and she at my place once a week, but I get 2-3 nights to myself which I value greatly right now, as a way of helping sort my head out.

Also she’s basically spent every cent she has (and perhaps more) to do this, me moving in would solve her financial problems. I’m 100% certain this is not part of her motive for wanting me to move in! But if I was to choose option 1/ above I ought to do it now to help her in this way as soon as possible.

So for those understanding and patient souls who have read this far, thank you! If you have any advice, stories, or observations that might help us find our way through to be together as we want, I’d be very grateful.

2

I’d say go with option No 2:“I press on and try to find somewhere in my area that conforms to her requirements”.

Finding the right home is a bit like finding the woman you want to marry with. As long as you have to make up pro and con lists; as long as you find yourself putting off a commitment, or procrastinating in the choosing process, you just really haven’t found what you are looking for.
If you do find the house of your dreams, everything will be crystal clear and the choice much easier for both of you. So spend the time and energy necessary finding a house you both feel as happy in as you deserve. Try new options; have you both explored other parts of town that may other big advantages?

In the meantime, don’t let the fact you haven’t moved in yet become a symbol of lack of commitment to her. For either of you. Find the advantages of the situation and make sure you both can see them. Make looking for houses together a romantic & fun outing. Neither of you are forced by the situation to move in together; and that is an plus.

3

I recently got a job in the town where I was born. Since my “homebuyer’s special piggybank” was running out of time, I decided to buy a house, but I bought it outside of town because it was ridiculously cheaper.

When Mom said “aaaah, such a pity that you won’t be living downtown!” I said “well, I’ll just get me a husband who’s got a place downtown, and then we can live in his house during the school year and mine in the summer”

A lot of people here do things like that… for example, they have the old rundown house in the old town, with patched-up plumbing and wiring that would never pass an inspection, but also with walls that would withstand direct mortar fire. So, they live in their regular house most of the year, may even sleep in it in the summer - but most of their summer waking hours, they are at the old house because thick walls are cheaper than a/c.

Can you do something like that, spend most of the time at her house but keep yours to take advantage of it when you go out? Would your house be more convenient than the current one for the boy if he goes to a local college?

4

I think Maastricht has it right - this is one of your first big compromises together. I agree with you that you shouldn’t cave on every decision just to keep the peace, Askance, but you don’t want to go too far in the other direction, either. You could look at finding a place together that suits both of you as a fresh start together - it’s not yours or hers, it’s both of yours. You both need to sit down and discuss this issue, too. It’s not going to go away. She needs to know how you feel about moving, and also how you feel about being too wishy-washy.

Just out of curiosity, any reason you’re moving in together instead of getting married?

5

Can you help her out financially until the perfect situation presents itself? It sounds like you are both happy with 90% of your lives and just have this little 10% living arrangement thing to contend with. I’d wait a while longer.

6

Thanks for the great responses, folks. Quality if not quantity :slight_smile:

I know Sydney very well, and I know the kind of area I want to live in. My suburb and the one next to it are top of the heap; there is one area between our two locations that could be a compromise but it’s a bit unsafe (or seen that way) and also is even less likely to have the kind of house she wants. I guess the ideal would be her current house teleported into my suburb!

I’ve been doing the househunting as she’s quite happy where she is; can’t say I find it any fun! Also I have the spare time to do this, she’s so busy on weekends and evenings there’s little opportunity for her to join in.

No, we’re not forced to move in together but she’s losing a bit of patience with the current situation. However she is a very patient, understanding, warm, generous and dogged person so I think there is still scope to carry on as we are and hope the perfect house or other solution will present itself.

Well it’s almost like that now, I spend 3-4 nights a week at her place and she spends one night a week at mine, so we’re mostly living together anyway, in a sense! I did think of keeping my current place and renting it out til we need it (either for him, or us when he leaves home), but that would limit how much I could help her financially with her house now, of course.

Yes, I’m thinking I’ll stick it out for a while and hope for the best; I’ve always been lucky in my life with things like jobs and relationships popping up when I needed them.
We both know how each other feels about the situation, and neither of us want to force the other into anything they don’t want (which is a great relief to me, after being in too many manipulative relationships!).

I’ve been married twice and her once; we don’t want to do that again, neither of us believe it would add anything positive to our relationship…

She won’t accept direct money or a loan from me, despite repeated offers. I do contribute as much as I can to her household expenses, buying things like phones, food and wine that she needs.

Thanks again for the thoughtful responses folks, any more thoughts would be welcome too.

7

Well, that’s fair.

So, do you actually want to live with your ladyfriend? How much do you want to live with her? More than you want to live in your current location?

8

Yes, but I’m not 100% that I’m ready for it just yet. A lot. Yes, but not at the price of living in a location I actively dislike.

I think :slight_smile:

9

Is it an option to not move in? You seem to have a quality relationship already- could you just live apart in your own places? At 50 I see no reason to be with another person most of the time- especially given the ease of communication. I’m not being ageist, but you seem financially able to live apart so why not have the two worlds?

10

How far apart are the two houses?

11

I’m going to use my armchair psychologist superpowers and say you seem a little divided on this. :smiley:

Like Joe Jackson says, you can’t get what you want until you know what you want.

12

I agree with waiting and finding a new place together. I prefer to live in more interesting, cool neighborhoods myself, and in retrospect I can never find a good reason for leaving them just to move somewhere boring. It’s usually a girl or to save money that makes me move, and whenever I do I moan for years about how wonderful my giant studio apartment over that restaurant was, or how great it was to live on the beach that one year, or whatever.

Try and resist her nesting instinct until a compromise can be made.

13

For now lease out your apartment, and move in with her. You need to get some together time to see if you can stand being “together” under one roof, and if it doesn’t work out you have your apartment as a fallback and (current) income stream. You really need to see if this “under one roof” scenario is going to work before making permanent decisions.

14

Ooh, that’s good, astro. Okay, I’m changing my advice to what astro said.

15

(emphasis mine)

Hmm, maybe there’s your problem right there. :wink:

16

Ever? No, I don’t think that’s an option. I could stand it, but I would prefer living together when I’m sure. She wants it as soon as I’m ready for it and circumstances permit.

17

Well I know what I want, just not when and where :slight_smile:

18

The sticking point is not so much whether we can stand living together, but whether I can stand living in the white bread world her (otherwise wonderful) house is in.

I kinda suspect moving out because “I love you but can’t stand living here” would be something of a deal-breaker.

This is it. The one and only. The relationship I want to have for the rest of my days. I do not want to bugger it up with unnecessary experiments.

19

In distance? In a straight line about 6km (4 miles), in driving time 20-30 minutes. They are on opposite sides of the city. I know it doesn’t sound like much, I can only assure you that the social distance is huge!

The ability to walk out my front door and in less than 4 blocks have dozens of terrific restaurants, a great park, an edgy cinema, two live theatres, and the most lively and eccentric shopping strip in the city is fantastic, I simply love it. As does she when she stays with me, she always wants to drop into her favourite restaurant and clothing shop while she’s here.

This weekend her boy is sleeping over elsewhere so we get Friday and Saturday night at my place, we’ll see how that goes but I might try to get her looking at some houses and otherwise work my evil magic on her :slight_smile:

20

I am, so far, with the addition that she’s in on my thinking. It’s not the character of the area she lives in that she loves, but the house itself and the proximity to her workplace. It may be that time will take care of these; if I find the right place locally I can see her mind changing in a flash.

Thanks again to all for your thoughtful replies! The quality of postings here is wonderful.