My daughter and her fiancee have not been using any birth control for a few years now. They haven’t been actively trying to get pregnant (not married yet, no savings, no insurance yet) but they haven’t been NOT trying either. They’ve had a few false alarms, but nothing yet. Almost 9 years ago my daughter had a LEEP procedure after a bad PAP. Since then her PAPs have been fine, but she hasn’t been able to see a doctor or get a PAP in a couple years.
But now she’s getting worried. I know the first step would be for her to see a doctor, get a PAP, get his sperm counts tested. I know we’re all jumping the gun, worrying about things that might be easily fixed. But it all seems so out of reach because of their lack of any insurance. Until they get a bit of money saved up, it’s all academic.
What I’m having trouble dealing with is my own reactions to all this. I can’t help her financially. I’m grieving the potential lack of grandbabies, and I can’t let her know that. I’m upset because her best friend has had three (might be four…they’ve lost touch because the girl is bi-polar) kids she can’t raise. I’m upset that the decisions my daughter made as a troubled teen may have damaged her for life. I’m upset that at age 26, she still isn’t in a stable job situation that could afford her benefits so that she can have basic healthcare. And I’m worried that I’m worrying about something that might be no problem at all…lots of people have slight troubles in conceiving at first and then carry on without having to incur huge medical costs.
I guess I just needed to get this all out and have a good cry…and then move on from here. But just once, I’d like the fates to smile on us.
So she doesn’t have a good enough job to provide health care, she has no savings, neither you nor her boyfriend can support her, she isn’t using birth control despite “a few false alarms”, and you’re concerned because she’s not pregnant?
I had typed a lot more, but I deleted it. Let’s just say that I don’t think you are worrying about the right things.
You are a mom. This means you are allowed to worry about your daughter, and worry about what she’s worried about, or what you think she should be worried about. So if she’s worried about her fertility, you can be too.
That said (as I understand it), while fertility decreases with age, and options for adoption also often decrease with age, 26 is NOT that old. There is plenty of time for her to have babies, adopt babies, or make other choices.
And, there is a part of me which agrees with Shodan–I’m not clear that your daughter can afford routine pre-natal care, or a baby, so being concerned about her fertility seems like it ought to take a backseat to concerns about her finances and her future.
But independent of all that–yes, it sucks that sometimes people who don’t want babies and/or can’t provide for them get pregnant, while those who do want them desperately do not get pregnant.
to Shodan and DiosaBellissima. I don’t usually do the fingerwagging thing for foolish choices, but it seems like her NOT getting pregnant right now despite not using birth control is the blessing of a benevolent God (if I believed in such things). WHEN they are financially stable, it is very likely some sort of fertility treatment or adoption will be possible.
If they have been having regular sex (which I think is defined as one time a week or more, but don’t quote me on that) for more than a year without getting pregnant, then they meet most infertility specialists’ minimum requirements for “let’s look into this.” It doesn’t mean they can’t get pregnant, mind you - there’s a whole lot of treatable stuff, everything from timing your intercourse more precisely to immediately preceed ovulation to progesterone supplements if she’s got a short luteal phase to the expensive hormone shots and egg harvesting we read about in Newsweek. But yes, not getting pregnant after several years of unprotected sex does ring some alarm bells.
Although, of course, there’s a good chance there’s nothing wrong with her body and his sperm is the culprit, in which case they can make their medical choices accordingly and you might have fairly uncomplicated natural grandbabies yet.
If she just wants to know what’s up with her body, get her a copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility. Learning to track her cycle can quickly help her identify whether or not she’s got one of the two most common reasons for subfertility or infertility in women - lack of ovulation or short luteal phase - without paying for a doctor (treatment, of course, would require a doctor.) ETA: And the same technique can be used to ensure that she doesn’t get pregnant until she’s ready, without using barrier or chemical birth control methods.
Age related infertility doesn’t really start to play a role until 30, and most women can still conceive fairly easily until 37 or 38, so she’s got some time to figure things out and build a nest egg before anyone freaks out.
Shodan and DiosaBellissima, your primary concerns are valid, and I guess I didn’t make that clear in my post…I really don’t want them getting pregnant right now. I want them to have insurance, and be married. So yes, in one way, this infertility is a blessing…though even thinking that makes me feel guilty. And I was shocked, and not a little displeased, to find out they weren’t using birth control. But things are improving for them, financially…they finally both have jobs that cover the bills, and as soon as their debts are reduced they can start saving more. But jobs with healthcare aren’t that thick on the ground, and neither of them have degrees…yet…she really wants to go to school.
But aside from those very basic concerns of “you two are in no position to start a family right now”…I’m still worried.
I’ve got two good friends in their late 20s who are going the adoption route after trying to have a baby for a few years. Not being able to conceive for whatever reason is no barrier to having children of your own (or grandkids, as the case may be). So, there’s nothing to be worried about, really.
And, as others have said, it sounds like your daughter’s not particularly interested in having kids right now, and for good reason.
Has your daughter considered visiting Planned Parenthood? It’s not just a place for “how to not get pregnant” or “what to do once you’re pregnant” - according to their site they also have the resources to discuss infertility.
If she started going there now, she could get regular gynecological exams (which she should be getting anyway), get on some birth control (even if it’s free condoms) and learn more about fertility and family planning.
My experience with PP has been excellent…and extremely affordable.
Whether she wants to get pregnant or not, PP is a great place for someone in her financial situation.
With all due respect, it’s not your concern. What if she decided that she didn’t want children? You’d still be out potential grandbabies.
If and when she gets to a position where she’s ready to have kids and nothing’s working, then you can decide how to help her. But until then there’s no need to “worry.”
A LEEP procedure is usually called for when the doc thinks there are pre-cancerous cells on the cervix. It seems to me Priority 1 is getting a current PAP test to make sure everything’s looking good down there.
I had a pap done at Planned Parenthood recently. I think the cost was about $125. If you call your local PP they might have different rates. It should be relatively reasonable though. I know $125 might sound like a lot but it’s not something to take chances with.
I don’t mean to sound like a scare-monger but regular pap tests can save lives.
I agree 100%. If/when she communicates the desire to have children AND seeks your advice about it, you may discuss it with her. Til then its her uterus and she can discuss it with you – or not – as she sees fit.
Now, if you are concerned about her overall access to women’s healthcare I cannot recommend Planned Parenthood highly enough. They actually charge on a sliding scale, depending on income/your ability to pay. The last time I went for my annual exam (pap, physical exam, urinalysis, I think they did STD swabs as well) it was $90.
When used by adults, withdrawl is pretty effective - in some studies, as effective as the mini-pill. It’s possible they are using BC.
Other than that, I wouldn’t worry - I know that’s not helpful to tell a mother not to worry about her daughter, but it would be best to find some peace with “what will be, will be”.
Unless it was a total hack job, LEEPs are usually NOT a cause of infertility. I had two LEEPs prior to having fertility issues, but it ended up being endometriosis and Polycystic ovarian syndrome that were causing my three year battle with infertility, not the LEEPs. Once I had those two things taken care of, I was able to conceive naturally, with my LEEPed cervix and all.
Even if she did have a hack job of a LEEP, there is a simple procedure called an IUI, that bypasses the need for a perfect cervix - much cheaper than a full IVF (hundreds versus thousands).
Infertility is an extremely complex issue that can be caused by an unbelievable number of variables. Medical science can help nearly anyone these days though, if they have the money. So getting health insurance should be her #1 priority.
Infertility is a very emotional battle that is extremely difficult to deal with. Please do not express your “grieving for lost gandbabies” feelings to your daughter if you can help it. She generally feels like a failure enough as it is, and feels like everything she could depend on has turned on her, if she wants to have children. If not, your saying anything won’t change her mind, and is a terrible reason to change her mind.
I went through fertility treatments - ended up adopting and then with a surprise pregnancy.
First, if they get their lives together, want kids, and have kids - that’s great. If they get their lives together, kids via normal conception, fertility treatments, or adoption are all options - and fertility treatments and adoption are not really expensive at all when you are looking at the cost of kids - adoption for us was less than a year of formula, diapers and daycare. A year worth of fertility treatments - with insurance - as under $1,000 (we didn’t to the IVF thing). Getting their acts together enough to afford the children that would result will go a long way to being able to afford getting those kids.
Second, if they don’t ever have kids, that isn’t a horrible thing either. Childfree gives them a lot of options to do other things with their lives.
Third, don’t worry about predicting the future. The pap smear needs to be done now given your daughter’s history - but the fertility stuff she can cross when its time. I have a friend who was sexually active from fifteen to 24 without birth control - and had two children - fertility is frustratingly cyclic for a lot of us. I spent two years trying, one year getting shot up and ultrasounded from every direction, and another year adopting only to wake up one morning with tender breasts, a missed period, and a craving for yogurt.
Good info on the LEEP. It’s been so long since she had it that we’ve both forgotten an lot of particulars.
I would never tell my daughter that I’ve had moments of crying in libraries when I pass knitting books for baby stuff. It’s irrational, illogical and would make her feel bad. And “grieving for lost grandbabies” was an awkward way of me saying…“grieving for the pain and depression she will be going through if she discovers she is infertile and is unable to afford to do anything about it for a while.”
She does want children…let’s be clear on this. She has always wanted children, but she’s not been in any hurry…helping her best friend birth two of her three babies (I got to cut the cord on #3) and then take care of them was quite enough for her. She knew she wasn’t ready, and she knows that she’s still not ready, financially. But lots of couples have babies before the optimal time, and they are working towards their goals. And she knows that I would prefer they wait.
But…she did call me the other day to say she wasn’t pregnant, and asked how I felt about that. This is after several months of telling me to “date the guy with the 12 grandchildren, Mom, because that may be as close as you’ll get to having any” and “I’m worried that I can’t get pregnant” and other such discussions. I told her I didn’t know that she had thought she might be, and apparently her fiance had made her take a pregnancy test because she was extremely emotional, her boobs were sore and swollen, her period was possibly late (she’s not been regular, though) and she’d been throwing up.
This time she really, really wanted to know what I was thinking, and I told her. We have a very close, honest relationship. I told her I was both relieved and sad. Relieved because this is not the best time, and now she’d have a chance to get some insurance before becoming pregnant. And sad, because she still has to worry and wonder, and I can’t ease that for her. A positive pregnancy result would have at least eased that one worry, before then pitching them into a heap of new ones!
Okay, until she can get to a doctor and confirm for a fact that she has infertility issues, let’s try not to borrow trouble, okay?
And good Og, woman, if you have grandbaby fever, go be a foster grandparent (I think there are such things.) I think you can also volunteer at the hospital to rock the newborns while the nurses are doing other stuff. I’m glad you had a good long talk with your daughter, but just because she’s not getting pregnant now doesn’t mean she can’t get pregnant later. And considering she doesn’t have a stable nest yet for the baby birds, it may be for the best right now.
Once again, for the record…I do not have grandbaby fever. At all. I have offered to pay for her pills at Planned Parenthood, and I have done so in the past. When I get the baby hungries I snuggle the wee ones at church. I’m 50, and I want to be dating and having a passionate love life and an active social life. But if it happens…I’ll be the best grandma in the world. Just…not yet, please.