I’m probably going to sound like a total ass, but I’m not sure poetry would do it for me. Depends on the guy. I’d find it disconcerting and jarring if a guy who showed little overt interest in me face-to-face laid some deep romantic poetry on me. It’d just be, well, weird. On some level, a guy has to have the balls to tell me how he feels. If he can ONLY do it through poetry, it’s like he’s hiding behind the written word.
Don’t get me wrong, I think the written word can be a wonderful complement to expressing one’s feelings verbally. But alone, it highlights that the guy can’t express his emotions in person. Big red flag for me
Also, poetry is like painting, or humor, or sculpture. What some people think is excellent leaves others cold. And I’m not talking about an inability to appreciate the finer arts, I’m talking about sheer personal taste. Some men’s poetry, not matter how many accolades it has received from the masses, ain’t gonna dampen my panties. Even if Barry White reads it.
There is a lot of good insight here from everyone.
Here are a few tidbits of info that may, or may not, help you to help me in my situation:
True Pisces: Like you, I am very shy in person. I also can be quite good at flirting online, but not IRL. As for the practicing flirting with someone: That could be a problem. Why? Not due to my shyness so much as the fact that I honestly don’t have anyone to practice around, unless you want to count my pets :rolleyes:
I don’t have any friends. I know it sounds strange that I have no friends, but life is strange, stranger than fiction, as the saying goes. What friends I did have, have all moved away, far away, and gone on to other bigger and better things. Unfortunately, I haven’t met anyone new yet. I get out on a regular basis, but I don’t go clubbing or bar hopping. That just doesn’t fly for me. That is a bad environment for meeting potential mates, IMHO.
I spend a lot of time at church each week. I go to two different churches (of the same faith & denomination). 4 days out of the week, I am at one or the other: Sun., Weds., Thurs., & Sat. My “primary” church is very family oriented, that is, there are very very few single adults there to make friends with, let alone anything else. I do not know know anyone my age there, who is single. I have been going to this church all my life. It also is rather small.
My “secondary” church has a very large congregation, approx. 2000+ people. I have been going to church # 2 for about a month. I am still new there, and haven’t even made any acquaintances yet. They have a lot of “small groups” that you can join, but I haven’t been able to get involved in any of those yet. It is there, in the small groups, that I may have the best opportunity of meeting new people.
This too, Pisces, seems to fail me, so far. When I do meet someone new and speak to them: I maintain a good deal of eye contact while I am speaking. I am talking to her,not her chest. When she speaks, I actually listen. I use genuine tactful compliments, but take care not to “pour the syrup” on and drown her. I also consciously avoid sounding “desperate” as much as possible. Unfortunately, I have not had a good deal of success, but I am not giving up yet.
Cranky, I always use both. I would say that my poetry or writing I do for the individual, is either (a) a tantalizing appetizer (b) complimentary to what I have said verbally, or just cannot find the words to say verbally. In case A, this applies to new relationships that are in the early stages of acceptance. Maybe dated 4 or five times. It draws interest and shows depth of character. In case B, this only applies to already existing and established relationships. If I used poetry, right off the bat, I agree that it can be off-putting. If I want to show someone I have just met that I can write, I may show them something funny or cute, but nothing too deep, too early. That was a very good point, Cranky.
Thanks to everyone who has written to this topic so far. Keep 'em coming, folks. I love to learn.
If a guy that I just met was being blatantly sexual and crude I’d get turned off really quick. (unless he was really hot and I wanted to f**k him ) I wouldn’t be offended or anything I just don’t think that’s the right way to strike up a conversation and it’s not the right way to begin a friendship or a relationship.
Now, if it’s a good friend of mine or an SO, it’s different. After you get to know someone you learn their boundaries and what you can and can not say to them/in front of them whether it’s sexual talk or not. My friends and I will be downright vulgar and offensive when we talk about sex but we think it’s funny. I try not to be like that with strangers… it tends to give the wrong impression!
As for flirting… there’s no real trick to it and there’s lots of ways to flirt with people. Some people are witty and can crack little jokes, some people give subtle compliments, some people use their body language to flirt. I’ve always tried to use all three when I’m flirting, especially the body language. I tend to play with my hair and I try to touch the guy as much as possible without being too obvious that I’m trying to touch him. (By touch I mean putting my hand on his arm while we’re talking… not grabbing his crotch or his ass!)
I think going to church is a good way for people to meet. That’s where my parents met and they’ve been married for almost 36 years! I’ve always had better luck at the bars myself. Try to get involved in the small groups and other church activities and see what happens.
Most of the women here seem to agree with the OP, that a man can put them off by being too vulgar and suggestive. However my attempts at flirting (on-line and in real life) have been subtle to the point that they’ve gone completely unnoticed.
My question for the women here would be the opposite of the OP. Of course there’s a bit of a Catch-22 asking how many men have flirted with you that you didn’t know about. But have any of you found out someone had been flirting with you and you didn’t notice it at the time, and why?
Obviously, that’s pretty tough to answer. On two occasions, that I can think of, I have “dated” people completely non-sexually. (OK, I was friends with two guys who didn’t make any attempt to do me!) There was no flirtation, no discussion of sex or sexual topics, no body language. Nothing. Zilch, nada, nothing.
After I initially question, “Is this guy straight?” I soon realize that perhaps this person is probably not interested in me sexually and actually wants to be my friend. Or else he’s so shy that he’s incapable of flirting with me in a way that would be obvious to me. This makes me think that some men do not actually want to ONLY get into my pants. Which of course, makes me wonder, why? I’m hot, WTF?
I handle this by making little jokes to indicate I’ve noticed the lack of interest and am trying to figure it out. With both people, I’ve said things like, “Hell, for all I know we could be dating. Or we’re just friends… I have no idea. Really. Not a clue.” Then I leave the ball in his court.
Both times, that kind of comment was met with silence which means:
a) The guy wasn’t interested and didn’t feel the need to humiliate me with, “Hell no, we’re not dating, ya freak!” or
b) He’s thinking, “Oh crap, I’ve been flirting all this time and she doesn’t even know it.” or
c) He really is gay!
As for the OP… I just think there’s a fine line between acting like a virgin and acting like a slut. You can send either message with the same comment – it’s all in the delivery. I tend to be a little chilly toward those who are oafish, crude, vulgar or too presumptuous about it. Don’t assume, just because I’m talking to you, that’s an open invitation to hit on me. And don’t assume, because I’m talking to you, that it’s not either. I say, watch her body language and verbal cues. If she plays back, she’s probably interested. If not, back off and be friends. MHO.
Talking about “Sex” covers alot of ground, and there are things that are definitly unacceptable and things that are grayer.
Talking about sex wiht women past is always a bad idea, I think. talking about how good some other woman was is gonna seem like an insult, Any woman with an IQ over rom temprature is gonna figure out that if you will tell her how inadequate your last woman was than you will feel free to tell the next woman how inadaquate she was.
Talking about sex to quickly can imply that the main reason you are talking to her is on the off chance she’ll fuck you, and that is bad. If nothing else, it makes you feel pressured to make a decision (Fuck him or tell him to fuck off?) before you are ready to make that choice, and when pressured more women default to “Fuck off” than to “Fuck him.”
On the other hand:
A man who is comfortable with sex is a major turn-on. No one really wants a partner with a bunch of hang-ups, and there is a general sense that a man who is scared of sex is not going to be a very good lover: I mean, if he can’t bring himself to talk about intimate matters when he is dressed, there is no reason to think he will be willing to talk about them when you are both naked. And lovers who don’t talk are often poor lovers because they don’t have much information to go on. (Well, girls in pornos like this, so she must . . .)
So I wouldn’t avoid all sexual refrences completly, unless you really are very uncomfortable about sex. I think that a guy that can lean over during a sex scene and a movie and make a naughty, funny comment is always going to come across better than the guy who stammers and blushes whenever the people on the screen take thier clothes off.
Yeah, what Astroboy said. There’s no one-size-fits-all answer when it comes to what’ll work with a woman. Is there ever? It depends on who she is and what you’ve learned about her, 'cause you’ve been paying attention, right?
FWIW, I am very comfortable with sex. What is uncomfortable, is finding out what her comfort zone about it is. I, for one, am NOT very perceptive when it comes to recognizing subtle flirting from a lady towards myself. I know some things to look for, but unfortunately, I don’t notice until it is too late. For example: Let’s say I am talking to a lovely lady and she flips her hair, or bats her eyes or LITTLE things like that. I usually don’t pick up on it immediately. After I do, the “window” for opportunity has already been closed.
…sigh…
By the way, I just met someone for the first time today. I liked her, she seemed very nice and she was quite attractive. No flirting or sex chat commenced. We had a very pleasant time. I think we both a bit shy, in general. I hope we will see one another again soon. We barely got to know much about one another, this time around. I certainly would like to know more about her. I am interested enough to want to see her again. I don’t know how she feels yet though. Wish me luck.
) I wouldn’t be offended or anything I just don’t think that’s the right way to strike up a conversation and it’s not the right way to begin a friendship or a relationship.