I cannot figure out for the life of me what on earth what I am doing wrong…or what is wrong with them.
This happened the last six times I approached a woman. Four of the times the woman sent her friend to ask if I’m interested, woman won’t approach me herself, so I wind up approaching her. Two of the times, the women was making flirtatious eye-contact, I took that as a green light to speak to them.
With one of them, I mangaged to get an hour long conversation with her, I thought things were going fine. The she said she had to go outside and make a phone call…she never returned. Four of them stuck around for the first few sentences I spoke, and then proceeded to ignore me. One of them (who actually sent her friend over 20 min earlier), after telling her “Nice to meet you!”, grabbed her drink and purse and left to go and talk to her friends across the bar. The very latter is the most bizarre reaction of all.
Men and lesbians, have you ever experienced this? What is happening here? Women, have you done this to anyone? Why? Either you’re interested in someone or not, right?
I’ve NEVER had men do this to me. This sort of stuff makes me want to switch teams, lol.
So women are seeing you from across the bar or whatever, sometimes even sending friends over to talk to you first, then when you actually talk to them, they bolt?
This is gonna sound mean but it’s the only thing I can think of: do you have bad breath, funky teeth, off-putting voice or anything else that would cause someone to peace out on you? Someone can be attractive from far away but when you get close you see things that turn you off. It’s shallow but it’s only one of 2 things I think can be happening, the other being maybe your conversation openers or whatever are causing women either boredom or discomfort? What are these encounters usually like?
Like I said, I’m not accusing you of being ugly-up-close or boring/creepy but I can’t think of another reason right now why this would keep happening. I’ve never been a flirt or one to hit on guys so I’ve never called a dude over then bailed, but I only would if he ended up being creepy or up close I noticed some dealbreakers.
I’m thinking the OP perhaps is a horrible conversationalist a/or flirter?
OP, what you have to do is talk to a female friend, co-worker or perhaps a relative (not a close one) and ask them to be blunt with you about "bad breath, funky teeth, off-putting voice " or maybe even BO. Clearly your looks are OK, so it’s not that.
He may be a “terrible conversationalist,” but if a woman is interested enough to send her friend over, she’ll usually stick around for more than 3 sentences just to make sure that the guy isn’t just being dorky because he’s nervous or something. (And do women really send their friends over??)
The flirtatious eye-contact may have been misinterpereted by you, but then again, maybe not.
I’m guessing it might indeed be something like bad breath.
Or you’re just exceptionally bad at small talk. Are you one of those types that like to ask deep probing questions right off the bat?
I brush my teeth twice daily, and rinse with Listerine up to a minute. I have an impacted wisdom tooth, but if that was causing bad breath, wouldn’t someone (like family or close friends) tell me that within the last 12 years since it was discovered?
I shower daily, twice daily if I worked out or it’s a really hot summer day.
My top teeth are straight. I was suggested by an orthodontist that I get braces on my bottom teeth, because my canines poke out a tad further than the rest. I never thought it was that noticible though. Who knows.
Hmmm…the voice thing. I have a deep voice for a woman. I’m mistaken as a male about 50% over the phone and driver thru intercoms. I would never guess this was a turn off though.
Cute out far, but ugly up close? I don’t know, I hope not!
Creepy? Women can find other women creepy? Even so, how can one pick up creepiness (in woman) without even knowing her?
Boring? Possibly. But, what about that last woman who walked off right after I said “Nice to meet you?” How can you find someone boring before you engage in convo?
It may be one or more above, but then again, this doesn’t happen with men. Though I don’t approach men (I don’t swing that way, they approach me) their interest level seem to remain stable and sometimes even increase as time progress that night.
My bad on assuming your gender. Missed an important word in your OP.
Well yeah anyone can find someone else creepy I guess if there is a sexual element involved like being hit on/flirting? None of my gay female friends have mentioned being creeped out necessarily but they’ve gotten unwanted attention from women they were not interested in and I’ve had to pretend once or twice like I was a jealous gf to get someone to back off. If the men you’re talking to either know you’re not into them sexually or your convo is obviously not flirty, then looks etc don’t matter, it’s just friendly conversation. Looks or anything like that won’t play a part because sex is not a possibility or on the radar really.
Yeah I dunno though. If you don’t smell, you look the same far away as up close, can’t think of any way your words might be driving these ladies away, then I dunno. I go to gay bars a lot, one populated heavily by gay women, and I see ladies of EVERY type gettin’ love. And I mean EVERY.
Yes. There is definitely a such thing as a creepy woman, and I say this as a woman who is interested in women. (Wow, that sentence had a lot of women in it.) A ‘creepy’ woman, in my book, is one who is socially immature, becomes attached too easily, gets overexcited, doesn’t know when to stop talking about her own interests, and/or makes overtly sexual comments in conversation with a new person. Sorta like a creepy man.
Are you/do you do any of these things? I’ve no idea.
It’s quite possible you just have bad luck. If you’re meeting women in bars and clubs, these women are probably guessing that you’re meeting them for the purpose of getting it on. If, after sizing you up, they decide they’ve no interest in getting it on, they leave. It’s possible to think someone might be attractive and then decide she’s not really attractive. Even if you’re perfectly nice and interesting to them as a conversation partner, they’re not LOOKING for a conversation partner, they’re looking for a bedmate.
As for the girl who fled in terror after you said hello, um, she may have just been shy.
Also, I’ve heard of queer women encountering the problem of straight girls who just want to flirt to attract men and then flit off, satisfied with their flirtation efforts, to the men they’ve attracted. Now if you’re in lesbian bars it’s a different story, but still.
No problem on the assumption. Women liking men is the norm, right?
All the interactions with both genders take place in either bars or clubs.
I would assume guys are trying to pick me up. They stare the shit out of me, then eventually come over and start grinding with me on the dance floor. Very little convo takes place. I haven’t seriously considered their intentions, I don’t care…and walk away when the time is convenient. Me and my friends laugh about how I act so unintrested in the men who approach me, yet the men fail to notice.
It’s a whole 'nother story with women. Once that sexual interest switch is flipped it stays on, and I try to make it obvious.
The girl who managed to stick around, I kept the attention off myself and asked her mostly about her life. No deep questions, the usual…hometown, siblings, job, where you attended college, etc. I also told her the same about myself.
I don’t know if the women I approached were interested in sex or dating. I find that hard to tell, but being at a bar I kind of assume it’s more likely for a hook-up. As for my intention, it depends on the woman. Some I’m more interested in hooking-up, others I’m more interested in dating. But, hook-up is the default, if for some reason I’m not interested in dating a woman, I would at least like to hook-up.
Of course we can. I find the occasional strange woman creepy for the same reason I do men who aren’t creepy in a threatening way but nevertheless creepy - they move erratically. There’s something unsettling about people whose movements are unpredictable, whether they’re being furtive and sneaky or darting about in an overly hyper manner.
Obviously this is just one way a woman can find another creepy, and there are surely other ways too.
I think you were the one that said you were going to gay bars but I can’t remember for sure - are these gay bars? If not, are you completely sure these women are even interested in sex with women at all? Most aren’t.
Could you explain? What do you mean by unpredictable movements? Like which specific bodily actions are you referring to? Are you referring to staring or something like that?
Of course women can be creepy. Anyone can be creepy.
I’m wondering if it’s the voice. As a straight woman, I’m not attracted to high or feminine male voices. I don’t know if it works the same but opposite for women who are attracted to the same sex but I’d flag it as a possibility.
The fact that you’re here asking random strangers on the Internet for dating advice tells me that you lack confidence. I’m genderqueer myself (asexual) so I have no interest in sex with anyone, of any gender, yet despite being totally uninterested, unlikely to give off “available” vibes, and despite being everyone’s stereotype of a huge, hairy anarchist (and roughly the size and shape of a refrigerator – you can find my picture over in the photo thread if you’re curious), I often find myself being flirted at by both men and women. If I had any interest in sex, I’d have no difficulty at all having as many sexual partners as I want. Why? Confidence.
There is no bigger turn-on for people than confidence, and no bigger turn-off than a lack of it. I’m an activist and a labour organizer, and as the organizer for the local copwatch program I often end up standing literally nose to nose with the police. As a result, I’ve had to learn how to show confidence even and especially when I’m nervous or scared. Without even thinking about it, I walk like I own the street. My mannerisms, my voice, my body language all express confidence, and it makes me sexually attractive regardless of my lack of other charms.
My suggestion to you would be to do some roleplaying with willing friends until you’ve developed confidence in yourself. The world is constantly telling you to stay small, to be submissive, to never be the nail that sticks up lest you get smashed flat. The result is that those who learn how to be strong and confident are extra-appealing and have their pick of the pack for partners.
Showering is good…but do you use deodorant? Some people seem to be under the impression that they don’t need to use this stuff if they shower regularly. I don’t know of any adult who doesn’t need to use it.
From first glance at a distance your OP was attractive. But when I got closer to you around post 7 I realised that I made the same mistake about your gender too.
By post 11 Quote…
“Some I’m more interested in hooking-up, others I’m more interested in dating. But, hook-up is the default, if for some reason I’m not interested in dating a woman, I would at least like to hook-up.”
I am fully aware of your intentions and kinda thinking we have seriously misinterpreted each other or you are coming on too strong.
