Awwww, how can I stay mad at YOU?

The BBQ Pit
1

My wife is in her normal state of unemployment. Because of recent events I have been simmering and just this side of boiling over in anger and frustration at her pickiness about jobs (“I just hate office work”) and cavalier attitude about staying at a job (“My boss is crazy and I don’t feel safe alone with her.”). I mean, nobody LIKES office work. It’s boring and doesn’t pay well, especially if you are a part-timer. And crazy bosses are the rule, not the exception. Hell, I once had a boss who had beaten a customer to death. And OF COURSE I quit that job after he cornered me in the basement–manslaughter crosses the line, even for me. (sigh) But I try to limit my comments to explaining the direness of our financial situation and suggesting that pickiness might be a luxury we literally cannot afford. When I got a call saying the phone had been turned off I was almost happy, hoping this would underscore my point.

So I get a phone call. “I was just checking if the phone was back on.”

“I paid them and you can make outgoing calls but nothing incoming for a few hours.”

She replied cheerfully, “Oh, I wasn’t expecting any calls about GOOD jobs before next Monday. Anybody trying to call today would just be for crappy waitressing jobs. Are you okay? You sound real down.”

“I think you can understand why.”

“Oh, lots of perfectly fine people sometimes get their phones turned off.”

Then I quoted the results of a survey HR had made everybody take (“This person has an average degree of behavioral versatility. Like most of us, he or she has some flexibility and adaptability in modifying or accentuating behaviors perceived as necessary to the situation or work environment. While able to exhibit behaviors not part of the basic traits, this individual cannot sustain these behaviors over a long period of time or under a great deal of pressure.”) and we started talking about the survey and her cheerful voice and flexiblity made me feel better and not mad anymore. If she could find a job where she used that ability of hers we’d be on Easy Street.

I, on the other hand, am way too well medicated (and, according to the survey, “easy-going, calm, and patient…tolerant and uncritical”) to stay mad, and I miss being able to. Shit, I couldn’t even stay mad at Scylla or even GET mad at Esprix last night. This sucks. :mad: Especially the part, “does not like to be placed in the position of having to discipline or pressure others.” Guess I’ve blown my chance to get into management, either at work OR at home.

2

I thought that I had experienced some intolerable working situations, but I’m amazed. You once had a boss who had beaten a customer to death? Was he still working at the same place?

3

Of course! He owned it. He had just gotten paroled when I started there.

4

:confused:

Esprix

5

If I found out my boss was on parole for beating someone to death-especially a customer-I’d quit so fast his head would spin.

6

Well, you were doing your one-trick pony thing but I went to bed instead of complaining then circumstances and a near-complete inability to stay mad took over so I went with my own one trick, complaining about my wife, except I couldn’t even stay mad at her and I’ve been mad at her off and on for longer than you’ve been alive. Then you did it again today but I pretty much agreed with you this time.

7

Well, gee, thanks.

Esprix

8

Always a pleasure. :smiley:

9

Hey! Well at least you’re in good company.

10

There should be a sign outside the business, “No customers beaten to death in XX days.”

11

Well, discipline is something you do to help someone, not hurt them, so getting mad is the last thing you want to be when doing it.

Unlike business, I don’t think it’s fair to anyone to be on either side of a managment position in a personal relationship with another adult. It’s supposed to be a partnership, where each of you manages yourself while supporting the other.

My wife bailed on jobs for years, and because I love her I could never stay mad at her, either. What I didn’t realize was that I was getting mader and madder at myself for being in such a one-sided relationship. After a lot of work, I’ve learned to think with my heart and love with my mind. Not to pass judgement on dropzone, since there’s proof that he’s being led down the same chute that I was, but I’ve found that there are a lot of men and women who have.

12

So…you want we should get mad at her for ya? :wink:

13

Scylla and Esprix: I knew if I stuck around here long enough, you two would agree on something sooner or later. :smiley:

Dropzone, your task is to parlay your skills (which are manifold) into a job that will support both of you on one salary. Barb’s not picky; her skills are at things for which there’s not a large market, and her physical incapacities, while minor, are such that she’d be unable to hold down a typical “I’ll-do-this-for-the-income” sort of job, like cashiering at the supermarket or fast food, for a normal work schedule. So I know something of what you’re up against!

14

This is probably not going to be a popular post, but I’m putting it up anyway.

I’m not you, and I’m obviously not familiar with your situation, so I’m going to lay out my assumptions and go from there. If my assumptions are inaccurate, my whole argument is invalid.
[ul][1]You assumed, upon your marriage that your wife would contribute to household income.

[2]You further assumed that said contribution would remain above x$ per year.

[3]You made allowances for the possibility of legitimate and reasonable unemployment on the part of your wife.

[4]Your wife has a history of making excuses for not doing things she doesn’t want to do.[/ul]If the above is true, you are a jellyfish.

Simply because you are married, her bad decisions are going to affect your life in every way. Your credit history is likely hosed. That’s a big deal by itself. I would be pissed off beyond human comprehension, and she would know it.

You are being used by your own wife. Think about that.

15

**

Count me among the spineless sea-drifters. My wife does this. As a matter of fact, so do I. Actually everybody I know does this.

I’ll guess you’re not married.

16

You are absolutely correct, Scylla. I’m not married.

And that fact has nothing at all to do with my post.

Everybody avoids unpleasant things where possible. That’s just human nature. I’m talking about personal resposibility here.

dropzone is apparently on a shoestring budget, and needs his wife to contribute to to the household income to make ends meet. He goes to work every day and puts up with whatever crap he has to in order to earn his paycheck. His wife, on the other hand, is content to let the utilities get shut off, simply because she hasn’t found a job she’s perfectly happy with.

Did you miss the part where she turned down interviews?

I’ll avoid mowing my lawn as long as I can, but I would never put off getting a job when my phone was turned off.

I’ll bet your wife, and you, wouldn’t either.

17

I dunno. Getting in the middle of somebody’s marriage is too dangerous territory for the old Scylla-guy.

18

I’m not trying to interfere in dropzone’s marriage in any way, shape or form. Hell, I definitively stated, in my first post, that I had absolutely no first-hand knowledge of his situation.

All I was saying, based solely on the information provided in the OP, was that he had a serious problem. I took the OP at face value, and concluded that his wife just didn’t want to work.

Unpleasant tasks get put off for as long as possible, sure. But adults step up and accept their responsibilities. I stand by my earlier post.

I don’t think dropzone was asking for advice, and I certainly don’t think he should take any that I’d offer. Not that I’ve really offered any.

He elected to post a rant here, and I commented on it. That’s it.

19

Not to trample on anyone’s values but why, exactly should one of the parties in a marriage be supported by the other if there are no kids in the mix?

In my little dream world, couples should support each other in every way. And just the pleasure of their company doesn’t quite cut it.

If she’s able bodied and not busy with school or kids then she certainly should be supporting your partnership in some other way. I’d say it is pretty logical to help financially if you’re having financial difficulties.

I’d be pissed off too. I’ve BEEN pissed off in a similar situation with a dead-beat former bf.

BUT
I’m also single, and wouldn’t know compromise in a relationship if it bit me in the ass. So I’m probably full of crap, you know your own relationship best, etc and so on.

20

My son graduated high school two weeks ago. His job, that he has held for a year and a half, has been slowly cutting his hours down so that now he’s lucky to get 10 hours a week. He hasn’t even decided yet if he’s going to start college this fall or wait a year. He seldom bothers to do his three household chores - taking out the trash twice a week, scooping cat boxes as needed, and unloading the dishwasher as needed.

In the meantime, the child support is no longer coming in, and I’m already working one full time job, looking for another part-time job, and doing all the other household chores.

This is all bad enough, but we have an empty refrigerator and pantry becuase the child support was what kept us above water in the past. He needs to work becuase he needs to contribute to the household since he has no other obligations, such as school.

I gave him two weeks to get another job to supplement or replace his current job and start doing his chores every day.

Yeah, yeah, kids are not wives; you really can’t throw her out, can you? But still - surely some kind of ultimatum can be issued?

But then, I’ve never been married, either.