Ayesha pits her (former) family

The BBQ Pit
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I told y’all I would be here sooner or later when I posted this thread, http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=280140
the time has come.
My Mother passed away October 9th, it was a true slice of hell made worse by the actions of her Family. (I say her’s because I have been disowned along with some of my sisters). I was spoken to by one Aunt at the funeral, she gave me something that was on the floral arrangement she and her children sent. She also told me how hurt and disappointed she was with me.

Nine days after her death I reached out to her siblings with an email giving my new contact information… It went like this, * My new address is
My name 0000 certian street # 0000. Houston Tx. 00000

I just got my new phone today
the number is… 000-000-0000

Love
Aye *

Later I reciever this reply from one of my Uncles

** Please don’t contact me any more. After what you and your sisters did to me and my Brother and Sisters I really want nothing to do with you or your sisters. But, one thing. Was it worth losing your family over? Uncle’s name **

If I were to reply this is what I want to say.

I wasn’t going to reply to you, however you did ask a question therefore I feel I owe you an answer

I do know know what I am supposed to have done to any of my Aunts or Uncles that deserved my being disowned. I truely have no idea. I have searched my heart and prayed about this often in the days just before my Mother’s death and since then. I believe that the only thing in my behavior that MIGHT have been seen as wrong was when I very quietly and calmly asked Aunt Ellen if she was going to jump on me too. Now this was a) after she had laid her hands on 2 of my sisters in anger in my Mother’s hospital room as she lay dying and b) because as I walked in the door she was glaring at me doing that finger nail popping thing she does when she is angry.

That is honestly the only thing I can think of that I personally did that I feel MAY have been wrong.

I do not believe that ANY of my Aunts or Uncles can say I was ever once rude to any of you, not if you are honest with yourselves. I never once spoke to you in the manner that you personally spoke to me, I never once turned my back on any of you. I never once intentionally did anything to any of you that I knew would cause you pain. And yet here I sit grieving not only the death of MY Mother but also grieving the loss of people I once believed loved me.

I know that my Mother loved all of you, just as she loved her children. She had hoped that her siblings would help us through this pain, one she knew all too well having lost Gigi, and to be fair toward us . However she also knew that there was a good chance that would not happen. How do I know this to be true ? Quite simply because a few months before her death she asked my Father’s sister to promise her she would look after us. This made no sense to me at the time, I was really confused by it. After all we (my Sisters and myself) grew up with Mom’s siblings, not Dad’s. True Aunt S.and I have become close over the past few years but I was still confused. I am no longer wondering why she did that. My Mother KNEW her family.

As to my Sisters, yes there is some shame there. It is a shame that they did not feel safe being with OUR Mother when she took her last breaths. It is a shame that they felt so threatened that they were forced to leave and could not be here to say that very last good-bye. Whose shame is this ? Theirs ? I think not. Mine ? Uh no, I was not the one hitting, making threats ect… That would be you, my former family.

If I have been disowned for the reason you were bitching at me in a public parking place as I cried then get over it and/or grow up ! How my sister and I making a list of names so we would not forget anyone while we were still sane enough to do so hurt you exactly how ? Agreeing that yes Mom said she wanted to be buried in her blue suit did you what damage ? And agreeing that yes OUR Mother wanted her daughters to stick together and love one another was a crime in what way ? You all became angry when you learned that my Mother had given my sister and I medical power of attorney. From that time on you all turned on us like insane people. My sister actually got on her knees and begged you all to forgive her “crimes” . You said you forgave her then started making plans to throw her out of Mom’s apartment as soon as Mom was dead. Too bad Sis was smart enough to leave town before you had that pleasure.

Was it worth losing my family ? What family ?

These are the hardest words I have ever written but I do not need a family like you.

Fuck, now I’m crying again.

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{{{Ayesha}}}

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Ouch. You poor thing.
:frowning:

Its an emotional time when everyone is grieving for your mom, so its natural that tempers should flare. You should find out whats causing this friction. It would be a shame to allow your family to become divided over what could possibly be a misunderstanding.

Let them read this reply you’ve wrote.
{{{Ayesha}}}

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Aw, sweetheart. {{{{{{{{Ayesha}}}}}}}}

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Ayesha, I could not open the link to the other thread yet, so I don’t know all the details, but my heart truly goes out to you. Deaths in the family unfortunately bring out the worst in some families, or bring simmering resentments to the surface. I agree with Keapon that you might try to find out eventually what caused all this, but if the others continue to behave hatefully, then at least you’ll know that you tried.

Do you think you’ll send them what you wrote here?

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{{{{Aye}}}}

I lost my father on the 29th. I would not have been able to handle the stress if my family had the same attitude as yours had.

Send the letter. THey deserve to know what kind of people that they are. They obviously have no clue how to be caring human beings.

They have shown that they do not care what your mom felt or thought. They have desecrated her memory.

You are better off without them. (Though I know that you still feel the loss of them in your life.)

I am so sorry.
:frowning:

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Ayesha I am sorry that the pain caused by your mother dying is being made that much worse by her family behaving so pettily. Some people seem to thrive on these fights, and they make life so much more difficult than it needs to be for the rest.

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You poor lil thing. I hope your mom’s family comes to their senses. I hope you and your sisters stay close together. Take care of yourself now.

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** BlueKangaroo ** Thanks, hugs are always good, even virtual ones.

** Keapon Laffin ** The sad thing is that the reasons I was given for them being angry with me are listed in the last part of that letter. The making a list of names, agreeing that Mom said what she wanted to be buried in and how she wanted her daughters to stick together and love each other. One of my sisters, (the only one still being spoken to now by the way) went to my Aunts and Uncles and told them we were planning Mom’s funeral and that they (Mom’s siblings) would have no say. That was not true and the sister that got on her knees to beg their forgiveness (yes she really and truely actually did that as she cried) and I both tried to tell them that. They didn’t want to hear us. Refused to hear us. I’m not sure yet if I will send the letter, my Uncle did say for me not to contact him again.
And to tell you the truth I’m not sure I could take another rejection or anymore of their anger right now.

** Kythereia ** Thanks for the hug.

** vivalostwages ** The link goes to the thread I posted informing the 'Dopers of Mom’s death. I lived out much of her illness on these boards and got so much support here I wanted to let everyone know. I just don’t know if I will send the letter or not.

** {{{{ Revedge }}}} ** You are so sweet to take the time to answer me while dealing with your own and much more recent pain. (That’s why I loves ya :wink: )
I’m just not sure it will make a difference if they know how I feel. They had plenty of evidence of the pain when I found myself in the bathroom screaming and crying for God, my Mom somebody, anybody to come tell me what I did wrong after my Aunt (the one that hit and pinched and pushed my sisters) brought a gift I had made for her birthday last April to the hospital and shoved it into my hands as I stood at my Mom’s bedside discussing whether or not to take her off the steroid they had her on because it was driving her blood sugar up and that led to more needle pokes and shots. The LIONsob agrees with you that I am better off without them, his exact words were “I want nothing else to do with them and I will not allow them to abuse you anymore”

** lee ** My family has always been good at doing what my husband calls *playing uproar" the more and louder the fights the better. Actually it’s a control thing. Mom’s siblings wanted total control of everything. They were kind enough to say we my Mother’s own children would be allowed to sit in front at her funeral.

I look at it this way now, I kissed so much ass the day my Mom died and then through the funeral I still have a brown ring around my lips and it did me no good what-so-ever. Hell even my husband and son were shunned by them. So screw it.

Sorry guys, I know this is more of a whine than a rant .

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He’s a wise man, I think.

Aye, you have your family; you have your siblings, and your husband, and your child. That’s your family. Your mother’s family? Eh, I know the rejection hurts, but it’s just not worth it. You don’t need to beg them to love you, or explain your actions, and you’ve nothing to be sorry for, IMO. They don’t know what matters, and it’s their loss.

I’m sorry you’re hurting.

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Aye…I’m so very sorry, but I think what Silver Fire said needs to be reiterated.

Sometimes, although it’s sad, it’s depressing, and it’s so very, very wrong on so many levels…sometimes family isn’t worth the air they breathe. I don’t want to outline any details at the moment, and it’s certainly not in any way pretty, but I cut off relations with my family about 3 years ago. In the end, I couldn’t consume the poison they were feeding me anymore.

It’s not your fault you were born into a family that contains alot of assholes. You don’t own this problem, and it’s certainly not your fault. Keep telling yourself that, because you need to hear it.

Your family’s issues do not have to be your issues, unless you want them to be, or allow them to be.

You sound like you, your hubby and your sisters have a good handle on things. Fuck the rest of them.

No. Really. Fuck the rest of them. You may very well grieve the loss of them, but if there’s one thing my family has taught me, it’s that none of them can make me eat the poison if I choose not to anymore.

I still grieve the loss of my family, and none of them died.

I just decided I had fed enough on their particular brand of poison, and I was done being sick from it. The last person I spoke to in my family was my mother, our last conversation ended in some VERY nasty words, I hung up on her 3 years ago, and haven’t spoken to her since.

I grieve the loss of my family, but I don’t regret the loss…if that makes any sense.

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{{{{Ayesha}}}}
I don’t have the words to tell you how sorry I am, just a shoulder to lean on or cry on or both. You did what you knew to be right, and it’s not fair you were hurt. It seems to me you’ve got some wonderful people around you in real life; there are also some of us appearing as dots on a screen who are willing to help. If you want to rant or whine in private, my e-mail address is in my profile. No need to apologize for your rant; it wasn’t unduly whiny, and it sounds fully justified to me!

Take care, be well, and rejoice in those who love you, including your mother. As for the rest of your ex-family, I figure it’s best to leave folks like them up to God. He’s got the time, energy, and patience to deal with them; I don’t!

My sincere condolences on the death of your mother and the behaviour of her siblings.
CJ

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Aye --right now, you & your Aunts & Uncles are all a mass of raw nerve ends.

In 5 years, at least a few of them will bitterly regret everything they said.

Is it wise to close the door on reconciliation?

All in all, though, I am deeply sorry for your troubles. :frowning:

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Ayesha, I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. I was away at the time and did not see the original thread. My prayers and thoughts are with you and your sibs. I hope you are healing well over the loss. It’ hard, I know this, having lost my father after a long illness, in April. Here’s hoping the rest of your family comes to its senses soon. It’s good to know that your sibs, son and LIONsob are there for you just as you are for them.

Revedge I am sorry for the loss of your father. Please know that you and your familiy will remain in my thoughts and prayers also.

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Ayesha, I don’t have a whole lot to add to this because it’s been said already. Your aunts and uncles are the ones out of line, not you and your sisters. Legally, you and your sibs are the next of kin, and it’s your collective moral responsibility to plan the funeral. Your Mom’s sibs tried a power game by usurping the planning.

If they tried that, don’t be surprised if they try to contest the will, too. Once again, you are the next of kin, not them.

Death can bring out the worst in a family, but it can also bring out the best. Don’t expect the same thing to happen if one of your hubby’s relatives dies. When my Mom died, her brothers and sisters did nothing but help.

Otherwise, here’s a whole lot of hugs, prayers, and best wishes for you, hubby, and sibs.

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Aye, I’m so, so sorry you’re hurting and there’s nothing I can say to make it better - if there were, I would. I’m sending hugs and warm thoughts - and if you want to talk, email me. I’ll be here.

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** The Devil’s Grandmother ** Thanks, three of my four sisters and I are in contact a lot. The other was … well never mind. I have emailed her a couple of times but you can’t force someone to talk to you if they don’t want to. I am trying to take care of me. It’s hard to care much about anything right now but I do try.

** Silver Fire ** Yes you are right. I have a lot more than my Mom’s siblings realize, I have almost all of my sisters, my neices and nephews and the greats too. I have my husband, son future DIL. And I have my friends here, on Fathom, LJ and a couple of other boards . Friends who have treated me with more care and compassion than my former family has. You are also right about it being their loss. There is nothing my sisters and I would not have done for them, nothing. We promised our Mom that should they ever need us we would be there. Her sibs themselves told our Mother how proud they were of us for taking care of Mom the way we did and that they knew their children would not do that for them. The proud of us bugged me a lot. She was OUR MOTHER, how could we not have been there and done our best for her ? We won’t be able to keep our promise to Mom but we aren’t the ones who walked away. We were thrown away. Their loss cause personally I think I rock ! (Well not really but I had to say something upbeat) :eek: :o :cool: :smiley:

** Cerri ** Yeah, my family has always been fucked up too. It has always been you are either golden (kissing ass, waiting to be called to be petted, living the way they think you should ) or you are shit. No middle ground, no room to be human. It’s been a game of come here, go away, come here repeat. I miss them, no wait… I miss the people who I thought loved me, but I will live.
You said ** I grieve the loss of my family, but I don’t regret the loss…if that makes any sense. ** It makes perfect sense.

** Siege ** Please believe me when I say this, Dopers are far more than dots on a screen, I learned that when we lost WallyM7. This is more than a message board. It’s a place, a community. We may fight among ourselves (thus the pit) but I have never seen a hurting person go away with recieving comfort. I am a fortunate woman to have found it and the people who reside here a few hours a day. Thank you for using some of the time you spend here with me.

** Bosda-baby ** I won’t say I will never agree to speak with my family (I may well have to speak to them soon but that is another issue) again. But I will say that at this time I doubt I will go begging them to allow me back into the circle. As I said to ** Silver Fire ** I did not walk away from them, they threw me away.
PS, I still loves you ::kiss::

** swampbear ** Thank you so much.

** VunderBob ** Ahhh here is where it gets interesting. Mom gave one of my Aunts a durable power of attorney. When I last say it it had my Aunt’s name typed in and a copy of Mom’s signature and a copy of the notary stamp. After Mom died my Aunt used that to get the locks on my Mom’s apartment changed that very morning and to do the funeral arrangements. The only "real property she owned was 3 burial plots that my sisters and I are supposed to sign over to them so they can sell them and get back the money they put up to cover any thing her pre-paid funeral plan did not cover (No we did not ask them to do that, we had no choice from what I was and am given to understand) . The threat was made that if we fought we would have been barred from Mom’s funeral.
I do not think she had an actual will.

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Arrrgggghhhh I posted before I meant to.

Thanks ** Missy2U ** I may take you up on that.
After giving this some more thought I think I will just let it go to the best of my ability. It may take some time because I am angry (and as much as I hate to admit it still a bit hurt too) with the way we were treated, but I know that if I show my anger to them I will hurt only myself. I will get used to being without them.

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I’m sorry to hear that not only do you need to deal with the death of mom, but now you must deal with the death of her side of the family. It’s truly sad that instead of putting aside differences for the time being, that they felt the need to slam you with this dose of crap so soon afterwards.

Death brings lots of things out in families. Sometimes it brings the good, sometimes the bad. Unfortunately it brought you the bad. If you truly feel that you are better off without them, then I would let it go for now. There is always the future if they reach out to you, or you feel like reaching out to them despite this incident.

Sam

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{{{{Ayesha}}}}