Back-handed compliments - gender specific?

In My Humble Opinion
1

For reasons that would take too long to get into, now… I had reason to want to tell someone that they were a “Sand-bagging SOB.”

Then I realized that I couldn’t say that to a woman.

That got me to wondering, what compliments do you use that you can only give to one gender or the other? I’m not looking for what I’d consider gender-specific compliments like, say, “pretty” or “handsome.” While they can be applied to the other gender it’s usually for rather specific meanings, and only a very small fraction of the population.

I’m looking for those compliments that often comprise words, that individually are derogatory, but whose overall effect, when used as a phrase or idiom, is positive. For example, “sand-bagging SOB” is a recognition that the person so accused has minimized their abilities or accomplishments, usually with the intent of providing their audience with a pleasant surprise by giving results that are far in excess of what the audience might have expected.

An example could be the following: Joe and Jim are stuck in the woods for the first time together. Joe, being manly and taking charge because of his experience, asks Jim if he can set up a fire pit while Joe forages. Jim replies, somewhat diffidently, that he imagines he can cobble something together. Joe walks off to do whatever manly, take-charge men do in the woods and comes back a half hour or so later to find a small fire burning in a well-made firepit.

Jim, in this case, has been a sand-bagging SOB.

But, like I said above, I just can’t say that to a woman. No matter what the circumstances.

So, what other complex or back-handed compliments do other Dopers feel are meant for only one gender?

2

Not to put too fine a hair on this, and not particularly meant to hijack, but your OP is confusing. Where I come from (the Southern U.S.) “sandbagging” is considered a bad thing, generally done by a deceiptful person at another person’s expense. It is *not * a compliment to call someone a sandbagger!

Jim was being modest, not sandbagging (unless he purposefully lured Joe into the woods, got them “lost” and then charged Joe to be near the fire!) What you are saying is not a “backhanded compliment.” Maybe NY is a place where being called an SOB is a compliment, I wouldn’t know, but unless it is, there is nothing complimentary in what Joe says.

A back handed compliment would be “What a great fire – too bad about those endangered elm trees you chopped up and burned.” Makes Jim feel good for an instant, then whammo! It’s suddenly belittling and hurtful.

Why on earth would you want to say backhanded compliments to anyone of any gender?

3

You may be right. While English is my native tongue, it’s not exactly news to me that what I’d consider an odd compliment many people would percieve as an insult. One reason I’d asked for opinions on this. And, to make matters worse - military service often warps one’s view of language and what is and isn’t a compliment.

As for your final question: Hmm… how else to express the admiration that one might feel when one has been fooled by someone for what might appear as a somewhat shady action? It acknowledges both the shadiness of the action, and that one is pleased by it, over all.

I hope that can explain it to your satisfaction. If not I’ll try again later today when I might be more coherent.

4

Calling someone a SOB in a friendly way always sounds a bit Babbitty to me: “Why, Jackson! You old son of a sea-cook, how the Hell are ya?”

5

It’s not a compliment in the Mid-West either. For instance, I strongly suspect some of the league bowlers were sandbagging (intentionally bowling below their abilities) during the early part of the season in order to get a better handicap.

6

I always think of a backhanded complement as something that starts off sounding good, then turns nasty, the way legalsnugs described.

Simplest example: “Not bad - for a woman.”

It’s the passive-aggressive version of a put-down, and often the kind of thing that you know will only make you look petty if you respond negatively to, so the best thing to do usually is just shrug it off.

7

I was actually going to say the same thing that you just covered about what a negative comment that is in the bowling world. There is nothing complimentary about it.

Getting back to more of what the OP was looking for (I think), maybe a gender-specific backhanded compliment might be a woman telling a man, “Wow, you lasted a whole 5 minutes this time – I think that’s a record for you!”

In my mind, there has to be an element of sarcasm mixed with the truth in any backhanded compliment.

8

Backhanded compliment: “Oh honey, you look really nice. For a change.”

9

“Oh, you look so nice in that (outfit from known thin person store), did you lose weight?”

Of course there’s the song from Mame, Bosom Buddies. Things to the effect of, even though everyone else says you’re a drunk, a whore, a no talent hack…I’m your friend!

Not really a backhand compliment, but something this thread reminded me of. I knew someone who used to say ‘My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son of a bitch.’

10

I have one that is worse than that and very gender specific:

“Oh my gosh, you look great in that. The pants don’t make your butt look nearly as big.” :eek:

Most guys don’t care about the size of their butt but this could tear some women apart. And, no, I have never said this to anyone nor would I.

11

I don’t know. If you weren’t actually accusing them of sandbagging, it would be okay. If you have a really lousy bowler who suddenly has a great game, it wouldn’t be an insult to say that. Sort of like if you shoot a game of pool well above your ordinary ability, I would likely say . “Are you sure you never played this game before?” Knowing obviously that you’ve played the game before, but that this is what I would say if I were being swindled.

So calling someone a “sandbagging SOB” when they’re just being modest is just humorous exaggeration, I would say.

12

Um, why? I fail to understand why the gender of the target matters here.

13

SOB is for son of a bitch. How could you call a woman a son? DOB maybe…

14

Uh . . . right . . . but if you’re taking it literally, you can’t call anyone an SOB (except a male dog).

And I personally have known SOBs of all genders.

15

Some others:

You do such a wonderful job with your makeup. You can’t even see the bags under your eyes.

I really liked your old haircut.

I like “Did he just insult me” insults better than backhanded compliments (not to use; I’m rarely that quick on my feet verbally).

When you’re around, I always feel the need to work harder.

Being around you makes me feel smart.

You’re nothing like you used to be. (I actually had a former high school classmate say that to me in an email when I mentioned playing D&D, and I don’t think it was meant as a compliment of me in my old days. Which is weird, because in high school, I was a shy bookworm who spent four years on the math team and would’ve loved to have learned about D&D.)

16

“And someone said, ‘It’s fabulous you’re still around today;
You’ve both made such a little go a very long way.’”

  • Pet Shop Boys, “Yesterday, when I was mad”
17

Yeah I know, but somehow I got the impression that the problem wasn’t with the “son” part but the expression’s intent, like it was beyond the pale or something like that.

18

I’ve heard sandbagging used to refer to check-raising in poker.

19

Generic back-handed compliment:

“I don’t care what everyone else says, I don’t think you’re (insert insult here: fat, stupid, ugly, etc.)”

20

The oldest one I know, and still get a lot of mileage out of:

“You know, you’re not as stupid as you look.”