My daily regimen of Wikipedia Wandering led me to this blog entry from 2003, which lists six examples of backhanded compliments which particularly riff the blogger.
This is an insult? I’m not in the habit of going around telling girls they have pretty faces, but I have told my girlfriend that. Was I telling her I didn’t like her ass? (She would love it if I told her she had a huge ass, but that’s outside the scope of this thread.)
So, here’s my poll for all Dopers, especially women:
Do you consider “You have such a pretty face” an insult? For this reason? Have you ever said this with good intent and been misinterpreted? Have you ever intentionally said this as a backhanded compliment?
FTR, I myself am Caucasian. Here I refer to the stereotype of Caucasian women being obsessed with how large they believe their arses to be and how small they’d like them to be. Please don’t flame me.
Well, like most statements, it’s all in the delivery. And who the deliverer is. Especially from one woman to another, or parent to child, “You have such a pretty face” is used as an subtle, but clear, insult. It means “you could be so pretty if you just lost weight” or “you’d be pretty if not for all your other physical flaws.”
If my boyfriend were to say that to me, I would not take it as an insult, though. Just as a well-intentioned guy saying something without being aware of the connotations.
I think the problem arises with the inclusion of the word face. The receiver of the compliment may think that it’s implied that her face is pretty, but not the rest of her. Why make the emphasis on her face only? If she’s pretty, just say she’s pretty.
(note: that’s not what I think, just the mindset that some people may go through.)
Women can take it that way. When a girl is told she has a pretty face, some of them think, “Well, what about the rest of me?”
It’s not all women, though. Some are just self-concious, and some are the type of people who over-analyse everything others say. A lot of women would just say, “Thanks!”
I think it would probably be best just to say something like, “You’re very pretty,” or “You look great!” rather than comment on a specific region.
I think a lot of women will pick up on the qualifier “face” no matter who says it, but if another woman says it to you, I’d figure there was a 90% or greater chance that what she really meant was “yeah, a pretty face on a hideous cow”. Otherwise she’d say “you’re so pretty!” It’s one step up from “you have a really good personality”.
If someone wants to say you’re pretty, they’ll generally say “You’re pretty.”
The need for a qualifier is generally considered mildly insulting or at least thoughtless. “Such a pretty face” means “shame about the rest!” and most people know this, because otherwise why not just say “You’re pretty?” What’s with the inclusion of the “face” part? If you wanted to compliment a man, you’d say, “You’re handsome,” or “You’re good-looking,” not “You’ve got a handsome face.”
Not, that is, unless the rest of him wasn’t up to the standards set by his face.
Another ditto what’s already been said; “You have such a pretty face, if you only lost weight you’d be so pretty” is so often said by mothers, aunts, and obnoxious non-relatives that it often isn’t taken as a compliment even when it’s really meant as one.
When someone says “You have such a pretty face” or “You’ve got nice eyes” what they usually really mean is ‘well, you’re fat, but here’s something I can compliment you on’.
Women trying to set up their fat friend with a guy “she has a really pretty face”.
Women consoling friend who can’t fit into a dress “sweetie, you’re so pretty, let’s just focus on your makeup”.
Women doing that bitching about your other women disguised as concern “she’s got such a pretty face, she’d look so great if only she could lose a few lbs”.
Guys saying “you have such a pretty face” probably means “you have such a pretty face”. Men have got fewer levels.
If women actually want to compliment one another they say “I love your hair!”, “Where did you get that bag?”, “Wow, that shade of lipstick looks great on you!”, “That colour really suits you!” or “Those shoes are to die for!”.
We don’t comment on weight or how pretty or not somone is. You just don’t.
I have decided that this is an evil question with no good answer. You will always be mildly insulting, so I say:
“No sweetheart, that would be your giant ass.”
They know I do not feel that way so it is a joke that gets mock anger in return rather than real hurt feelings. I then follow up with what I think of the dress. Of course she will always take the exact opposite of my advice about the dress, I wonder if that says something about my fashion instinct.
Coming from a guy, we generally understand he means exactly that. Coming from a woman, we’d be either confused or complimented. It’s the specific phrase “you have a pretty face” that has become code for “you fat cow with awful hair” or whatever.
When I was a kid going to church schools, we were taught that it was evil to hate people, and that we were to love everyone because we were all God’s children. To avoid the sin of saying “I really hate that girl”, instead we would say “I love her in God’s way”. Not in the traditional way of genuinely liking or loving someone, but in the way where you weren’t going to actually say you hated them to avoid going to hell. It makes perfect sense when you’re seven years old.
“You have such a pretty face” and “I love you in God’s way” are two sides of the same coin.
Ladies: You can play your psycho mind games with each other, but leave the menfolk out of them. When a man pays you a complement, specificity should be considered a good thing. It means the complement is meant for you and only you. A complement like “You’re so pretty” can be said to anyone and doesn’t mean much. When I tell a young woman that she has, for example, a cute nose, I am NOT implying that the rest of her, or even the rest of her face, is ugly or unremarkable. I’m implying that while most noses are totally innocuous, the thought of hers makes my heart go all atwitter and keeps me awake at night. If just her nose can set my pulse racing, just imagine what effect the whole package has on me. I’m not making this sort of thing up. I have, in fact, lost sleep over cute noses. If I tell you that you have a cute nose, you can rest assure that I am totally smitten with you, that your beauty exceeds that of the angels, and that, while I would never be so crass as to say so, I have thought many an ungentlemanly thought about you. Now, isn’t that a better complement than “You’re so pretty”? For all I know (i.e. nothing about women), it isn’t.
I swear, reading this thread has nudged me just a teeny bit higher on the Kinsey Scale. The more I learn about the female mind, the more appealing I find the prospect of getting sodomized on a regular basis.
This is an insult? I’m not in the habit of going around telling girls they have pretty faces, but I have told my girlfriend that. Was I telling her I didn’t like her ass? (She would love it if I told her she had a huge ass, but that’s outside the scope of this thread.)
