Backlash against church? Advice sought.

In My Humble Opinion
1

(Note: Although the topic here is church, I’m not interested in any debates about Christianity, religion, or whatnot. I’ve found what’s right for me, so let’s take that as a given. I’m just looking for some opinions and input from folks. Thank you for respecting that provision.)

I’ve recently started attending church, taking my 2-year-old son with me. A local minister stopped by and invited me, and I figured it was worth a try. I’ve been floundering, recently, and nothing else has seemed to help. Maybe I was a bit hasty in writing off church back when I was 12 years old and rejected it.

So I went. It’s a teensy little neighborhood church, just across the school playground, with perhaps 30 people there for the worship service. Friendly bunch, and the tot and I can walk there easily. Can’t hurt, right?

What I found was a sense of hope, and friendship, and a lot of other things I’d been missing in my life. So I’ve been going back, every Sunday (and the occasional Friday evening ice-cream social for the kids).

My boyfriend was Catholic when I met him, but nowdays, he’s an atheist one day, a Christian the next, and an “I-don’t-know-what-I-believe” (I told him the term is probably “agnostic”) the next. Yes, I acknowledge: his spiritual discovery, his business. I refrain from discussing any of those points with him, because it invariably leads to heated debates and a lot of animosity. (For the record, I also refrain from preaching, witnessing, or anything of the sort, because I believe it’s a private matter, up to each individual. I have no intention of pushing my own beliefs on my BF, or on anyone else.)

However, an old friend of mine (close friends for about 16 years, now), who is a devout Christian, told me that I could expect one of two reactions from my BF: 1) BF would be supportive and enthusiastic about this new part of my life, and want to become involved in it, or, 2) BF would be resentful and jealous about this new part of my life, and do everything he can think of to dissuade me. My friend called it a “backlash.” I scoffed, oh no, BF understands, he’s been to church enough to know and understand, he went to Catholic school, blahblahblah.

Well, I’m sure you can guess what’s happened. BF doesn’t like me going to church. He says I act like his mother, going off to church every Sunday. He rants at me about how God isn’t doing anything for him, because he’s broke and despondent, so why should he bother with church? He says church is boring, religion is boring, etc.

Keep in mind, this same BF told me not even two months ago that he’d gone to talk to his priest for advice, and that he was praying for me. :confused:

So what in the world is going on here? I’m puzzled, to say the least. My boyfriend is jealous (?) about me going to church for an hour and a half once a week? Or is that what it is, at all? Has anybody ever heard of anything like this? How should I deal with it?

2

It sounds to me like he’s probably more worried about you being slipped some holy pantsnake. Happens all the time in relationships(My own included.) Anytime one partner becomes a member of a close knit group that the other partner is unwilling to join into, there can be a lot of problems arising as a result.

This happens especially often with religion, because it involves deep beliefs and personal structure. You can find things morally wrong that no one else does based solely on your religion. So, your boyfriend watches you go to church, and he knows that your belief structure is wrapped in it and it’s teachings, as well as the other people who go there. He is not a part of this group and doesn’t share, at this moment, those beliefs.

I’ve used the same types of arguments about classes my wife takes, people my wife meets somewhere and various interests she has that I don’t share. Of course it does calm down after a while usually.

Out of curiosity, are there any men at the church that you are friends with or admire that he knows of? That can be a big part of it. Of course this whole theory may be off base, but the very similar to ones I’ve had with my wife, so that’s why I bring that up.

3

It sounds to me like he’s probably more worried about you being around others who share your beliefs. Happens all the time in relationships(My own included.) Anytime one partner becomes a member of a close knit group that the other partner is unwilling to join into, there can be a lot of problems arising as a result.

This happens especially often with religion, because it involves deep beliefs and personal structure. You can find things morally wrong that no one else does based solely on your religion. So, your boyfriend watches you go to church, and he knows that your belief structure is wrapped in it and it’s teachings, as well as the other people who go there. He is not a part of this group and doesn’t share, at this moment, those beliefs.

I’ve used the same types of arguments about classes my wife takes, people my wife meets somewhere and various interests she has that I don’t share. Of course it does calm down after a while usually.

Out of curiosity, are there any men at the church that you are friends with or admire that he knows of? That can be a big part of it. Of course this whole theory may be off base, but the very similar to ones I’ve had with my wife, so that’s why I bring that up.

4

That’s what I get for trying to edit my post before it submitted. Ah, well, ‘holy pantsnake’ wasn’t so bad I guess. :slight_smile: ::sigh::

5

I 'm an atheist and have been much of my life. I suggest you deal with it partly by going to church every Sunday and generally enjoying your newfound community and support any way you can.

It’s a shame your boyfriend is choosing not to share it with you, and he sounds very unhappy. Trying to curtail your chosen activities, though, is a red flag. I hope you can work it out with him, but, whatever you do, don’t let him isolate you and your son.

6

Your boyfriend is a loon. :wink:

Only half joking. You have said that he is sort of confused, at the moment. Then you go off and find something secure, that he did not find first. He’s probably just concerned that you’re going to go off without him spiritually or psychologically.

(This presumes that you have not been bringing home any little homilies (or momilies!) from church, to throw in his face. Your OP indicated that you would not, which I will accept, but you might want to look over any recent conversations, just to be sure.)

The other possibility–and it is not very nice, but it is possible–is that your BF, having been raised Catholic, associates small, neighborhood churches with the sort of fundaloonies who go on ranting about the Whore of Rome and the babies buried under the convent walls. If he is reacting against that impression, it is not rational for him to judge before he knows the facts, but I have not met that many people who were rational on such subjects.

7

Is it possible that you’ve already identified the problem right here:

It sounds like he may have some religion issues that affected his family. Maybe his mother went to church every week and then passive-aggressively flaunted her morality at him. You may wish to delicately explore this one with him. It might not be church at all, but how church was used in internal family matters.

Another possibility is that he has a mistrust of churches that aren’t Catholic.

Another possibility is that he fears that you are going to “get religion” and disappear on him, or start disapproving of him, or dump him the minute you can’t deal with the disparity of religious views.

I could see how if you go on a Friday and a Sunday he might start to feel a little abandoned, esp since his only apparent recourse would be to attend with you, which might feel really awkward since it doesn’t sound like he’s ready to declare as a Christian right now.

Whatever happens, best of luck to you.

8

cher3 is right on here, and it is also what concerns me about the whole scenario as you’ve described it. It sounds like he doesn’t like you doing stuff without him, and that he is trying control where you go and what you do. Is this part of a pattern?