Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
Thanks to my brother for that one.
Isn’t the worst joke the most unfunny one? By that logic, the worst ever must be:
Why did the chicken… Oh, you know the rest. In other words, the joke that should never, ever be uttered. That needs to be drug out in the street, shot, diced, doused in acid, run over by a steamroller, and napalmed.
So this dude walks into a doctor’s office. He’s got a grape in each nostril, a cherry in each ear, and apple in his mouth and a banana under each armpit.
The doctor calls him into his office. The man takes out the apple and says, “Doc! You’ve gotta tell me what’s wrong with me!”
Doc takes one look at him and says, “Son, you’re not eating right.”
Ba-dum-DUM!
What do you get when you cross a rhinocerous and an elephant? Elephino
Q: How do you tell if a girl is ticklish?
A: Give her a test tickle.
An amateur punster learned that a local newspaper was having a pun contest. He wrote ten original puns and sent them to the paper in hopes that one of them would win, but no pun in ten did.
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- A lady gets pregnant, and gives birth to twins. She and her husband can’t afford to raise them, so they put the babies up for adoption. A couple from India visits to adopt the girl and names her Amal. A few months later a Spanish couple adopts the boy, names him Juan, and returns to Spain.
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- Twenty years later the lady gets a letter from Juan, telling them that he is okay and including a photo. The lady turns to her husband and says “My son is so beautiful, I wish I had a photo of my daughter too.” Her husband says “Dear, they’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal!”
Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
A: Fat fingers.
- Why do elephants wear yellow clogs?
- That way you don’t see them floating upside down in the custard.
- Bet you’ve never seen an elephant floating upside down in custard.
- That’s because they wear yellow clogs…
Ka-Chingggg!!!
Here’s one I use in my magic act:
Did you know that the “Psychic Friends Network” went out of buisiness? None of them ever saw it coming!
I kill myself!
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know and I don’t care.
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This one’s for mrblue92:
Why did the chicken cross the road?
For fowl reasons.
Know where to find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
Know why blind people don’t skydive?
It scares the dog.
How do you top a car?
Tep on the brake, tupid. 
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing. You already told her twice.
(Note to the Concerned: The person who told me this joke? I told him he was a very, very bad person, and ought to be ashamed of himself.)
How do you confuse [Peace] (insert derogatory epithet here)?
Put him in a round room and tell him to pee in the corner.
What’s more confusing?
When he comes back and tells you he did!
Classy, no?
Patient: Doctor Doctor I’ve got a palm tree growing out of my head.
Doc: Don’t worry its only a beauty spot.
Man walking down the road meets other man with a big orange head.
“how did you get that head”
“a genie gave me three wishes, 1st wish, world peace”
“wow thats why everybody is hugging each other”
“2nd wish, no more illness”
“wow that would explain that new cancer/heart attack cure pill”
“3rd wish, a big orange head”
where else but the sdmb,could we get away with this?
Q: What’s big, brown, and eats rocks?
A: A big, brown, rock-eater.
Q: Why did the girl fall off of the swing?
A: Because she had no arms.
Q: What’s big, green, and can kill you if it falls out of a tree and lands on your head?
A: A pool table.
I don’t get the Big Orange Head.
Why weren’t there any women in the Boston Tea Party?
They threw all the bags overboard!
groaner alert
How is “4+4=9” like your left foot?
Because it isn’t right!
Geez… no one’s posted any “light-bulb” jokes yet?
How my mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw it most of the way in, and one to give it an interesting twist at the end.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
It didn’t have the guts to!
Why did the pervert cross the road?
It’s thing was stuck in the chicken!
Ok, Ok, that’s enough for now.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
What’s the difference between an Oral and Rectal Thermometer?
The taste.
A mushroom is getting thrown out of a bar. He says, “Wait, don’t throw me out! I’m a fun guy!” (Get it? Fun guy = fungi)
A guy is sitting at a bar, when he hears a voice say, “Wow, you look great tonight!” He looks around, but no one is there. Soon, he hears the same voice say, “I love your tie!” He looks again, but the place is practically empty and no one is sitting near him. Next, he hears, “What’s that cologne? I love it!” He calls the bartender over and says, “Are you hearing those voices?” The bartender says, “Oh…that’s just the complimentary peanuts.”
Hee hee! I love bad jokes!