How many dogs does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but it’s hard as hell to get 'em in there!
What do you call a guy with no arm, no legs, laying in a pile of leaves? Russel!
What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, in the ocean? Bob!
What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, hanging on the wall? Art!
What do you call a woman with only one leg? Eileen!
OK, I’ll stop now… sorry!
'Twas the night of the king’s castration, the royal ball was coming off. Counts, discounts, and no-accounts stood around cameldunging each other, for in those days bullshit had not yet been invented.
Everyone was having a good time except Daniel. This angered the king who ordered Daniel to come forth. However Daniel slipped on a lion turd and only came in fifth. Daniel was so angry that he picked up the turd and threw it at random. Unfortunately, Random ducked and it hit the king.
“Oh SHIT!” cried the king, (for it was) and 20,000 loyal subjects squatted and grunted, for in those days the king’s word was law and the king ruled with an iron hand.
“Where is the princess?” asked the king.
“In bed with laryngitis,” said the queen.
“I’ll kill that frigging Greek!” said the king, “Oh well, screw the princess.”
And 20,000 loyal subjects were trampled in the rush, for in those days the king’s word was law, and the king ruled with an iron hand.
“Oh balls,” said the king, not because he wanted to, but because he had two.
“Balls yourself,” said the queen, “If I had two, I could be king.”
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, lying by the door? Matt
How many teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve. You got a problem with that?
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
That’s not funny.
Kafka returns to his childhood home for a visit. He arrives late in the evening, and his parents put him in his old room.
The next morning, his mother goes to wake him with a fresh vase of anemones. She is shocked, as she opens his bedroom door, to discover that Franz has turned into an elephant, and she screams. Kafka wakes up, realizes what’s happened to him, and in anger begins storming around the room. In his anger, he knocks the vase of flowers to the floor.
Kafka’s father arrives to see what all the ruckus is about. After taking in the whole situation, he sees the flowers on the floor, picks them up and throws them out the window, saying:
“With Franz like this, who needs anemones?”
Q: What’s the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
What do you call a Japanese lady with only one leg?
Irene
There’s an Eskimo out in a wooden boat. He’s fishing. He gets cold. He rips a piece of wood off of the side of the boat, uses it to make a fire. Boat burns, boat sinks, Eskimo drowns. Moral:You can’t have your kiyak and heat it, too.
A man is hired by his pastor to repaint the church. He decides to only buy 1/2 the paint needed for the job, and pocket the rest of the cash. He paints away, but then starts running out of paint. So he thins it out with turpentine, and gets back to painting. Again he runs out. Again he thins it. Finally, a big rainstorm rolls in. The paint all runs, and just then, the pastor comes out to check on the work. Heartbroken, the guy confesses to the pastor. What does the pastor tell him? “Repaint, and thin no more.”
Three moles are in a tunnel. The first one says “I smell carrots.” The second one says “I smell turnips.” The third one says “You two are nuts. All I smell is molasses.”
Three strings walk into a bar. The first one goes up to the bartender and orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender says, “I can’t serve you, you’re a string!” So the string walks out, dejected. The second string orders a martini, and gets the same response. The third string goes into the bathroom, messes up his hair, and ties himself in a nice bow. He then goes up to the bartender, and orders a screwdriver. Bartender says “I can’t serve you, you’re a string!” String responds “I’m afraid not.”
Hear about the new pirate movie?
It’s rated “Arrrrrrrr!”
And from a guy named Ike, no less! 
Q. What do elephants use for tampons?
A. Sheep
Q. Why do elephants have trunks?
A. Sheep have no strings
Q. Why do the rivers in Africa run red?
A. No sheep in Africa
Q. What’s the moral of this?
A. Don’t wear red wool
What do you get when you cross a north Icelandic Whitefish with the Lord?
The Cod Almighty
Q: What’s even better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded.
Q: Why do women fake orgasms?
A: Because they think men care.
In ancient China, there was a bird called the foo bird. This bird was hated by all the villiagers, for it had a nasty habit of flying over them and pooping on them. The people tried everything to avoid the foo bird, but nothing worked. Finally, they went to the old wise man and asked him what to do. After thinking deeply for a long time, the wise man said: “If the foo shits, wear it.”
A man walks into his doctors surgery,
‘Doc, there’s someting wrong with me, I have to deep fry everything!’
Says the doc ‘Tell me all about it’.
‘Well’ says the man, ‘I deep fry my burgers, I deep fry my bananas, I deep fry my spam’
Doc replies, ‘You’re not telling me everything are you ?’
Emabarrased the man replies,‘Er well no, I always dip everything in batter mix first, why last night I even took one of my trainers, dipped it in batter and deep fried it!!’
‘Ah’ says the doc knowingly, ‘I understand - you are frittering you’re life away’ 
This is the worst joke I know. It’s something of an epic, but well worth it.
An anthropologist has dedicated his life to studying tribal dances. He has videotapes of rarely-performed dances from six continents and most of the inhabited islands in the world. He thinks his life’s work is complete. Then, one day, he meets an African immigrant who tells him about the Butcher Dance.
The Butcher Dance, it seems, is performed in a remote village in Zaire right after the annual antelope hunt, on the last day of the dry season. It is a very sacred ritual. No outsider has ever witnessed it.
The anthropologist realizes he absolutely MUST see this dance, so he sets off with his video camera, treks across the desert, through jungles, up rivers, and finally arrives at the village. Just as he arrives, he feels a few drops of rain on his face. The dry season is over and the Butcher Dance will not take place for another year.
He spends almost a year living in the trees and dodging angry warthogs, waiting for the next Butcher Dance. Toward the end of the dry season, the batteries in his video camera start to run low. He treks down rivers, through jungles, across the desert to the nearest city where he can buy new batteries. By the time he returns, it’s the rainy season and the dance is over.
He waits another year. At last he is present for an antelope hunt. By this time he has made friends with the villagers, and they tell him he is welcome to watch their rituals.
After the hunt the whole tribe feasts on antelope. When they can eat no more, they gather in a circle for the Butcher Dance, and the anthropologist waits in the shadows with his camera. A hush falls, and then the tribal drums begin to beat in their ancient rhythm…
“You butcher right foot in, you butcher right foot out…”
Why did the elephant paint her toenails red?
So she could hide in the strawberry patch without being seen.
Why did the elephant wear a green felt hat?
So she could walk across pool tables without being seen.
Why did the elephant paint the bottoms of her feet yellow?
So she could hide upside-down in the mustard.
Have you ever seen an elephant in any of these places?
Of course not. These are effective disguises.
Why did the projector blush?
It saw the filmstrip.
Why did the lettuce blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming?
“The elephants are coming!”
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming with sunglasses on?
Nothing. He didn’t recognize them.
How do you fit seven elephants in a Volkswagen?
Three in the front, three in the back and one in the trunk.
Why did the duck cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
Why did the dog cross the road?
It was the duck’s day off.
bear with me . . .
Why did the horse cross the road?
It was the dog’s day off.
Why did the bear cross the road?
It was the horse’s day off.
Why did the ape cross the road?
It was the bear’s day off.
Why did the human tear up the road?
He was sick of all those friggin’ animals crossing it.
AND NOW . . .
** ADMIRAL BORG PROUDLY PRESENTS . . .**
** THE ABSOLUTE WORST JOKE KNOWN TO ANYTHING THAT EVER HAS, DOES, EVER WILL, OR WON’T EXIST!!!**
Why did the chicken go to the seance?
To get to the Other Side.
::ducks flying tomatoes and rotten cabbages::
Q: What did the zero say to the eight?
A: Hey, nice belt!
Q - What can you use used tampons for?
A - Tea bags for vampires!
Three lifelong mountaineers decided to climb Mount Aztecalupa, deep in the heart of Brazil. They arrived at an adjacent village.
“Beware,” said the wise man of the village, “of the Foo bird. Beware its cry! ‘Foo! Foo!’, it sounds. Bad things come to any man who wipes off Foo poop!” The climbers were skeptical of this, thinking him a senile old man.
As they climbed, a shrill cry pierced the air. “Foo! Foo!” it sounded, just like the wise man said. Splat! A pile of Foo excrement was sitting on one of the climbers heads.
“YUCK!” he shouted, and wiped it off. Seconds later, he lost his footing and fell to his death. Not long after, the nervous climbers heard the cry once again, and one more of the climbers had Foo poop on his head. He decided not to wipe it off, but soon he could not stand it. Second after cleansing himself, he too was dead.
The one climber left was very nervous. “Foo! Foo!” the cry sounded, and he now had Foo poop on his head. He was absolutely determined to never wipe it off. He finished the climb and returned home safely. He soon found himself an understanding girl to marry and got a high paying, excellent job.
On the night before his wedding, he said to himself,"I’ve got a great job, loads of money, and a great soon-to-be-wife. I don’t need to worry about this stupid bird poop. So, he took a shower and washed his hair. When he stepped out, he slipped and fell, cracking his head open.
The moral of the story: If the foo shits, wear it.
A duck walks into a bar and says “Hey, got any grapes?”
The bartender says “no, of course we don’t have any grapes, this is a bar.”
A few minutes later, the duck walks in again and says “Hey, got any grapes?”
The bartender a little annoyed, says “No, go out and read the sign, this is a bar, we serve alcohol, not grapes”
A while later, the duck walks in again and says again “Hey, you got any grapes?”
The bartender, really angry now, says “You stupid duck, we don’t have grapes, and if you come in and ask me that again I’ll nail your feet to the floor!”
The duck comes in again a few minutes later and asks “You got any nails?”
“Nope”
“Got any grapes?”