Bad Jokes

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
61

A woman is in hospital giving birth. As she pants and screams, the doctor goes up to her and says, “Do you have a partner who could be with you during the birth? A husband or a boyfriend?”

The woman says, “No, I have no partner,” and carries on screaming.

Anyway, the baby is born, and the doctor suddenly looks puzzled. “That’s strange… your baby is black,” he says.

“Um, yes. I was a little strapped for cash nine months ago, and had to film a porno to make some money. One of the actors was black,” replies the woman.

The doctor looks even more puzzled now. “But your baby has white hair, also.”

“Yep, one of the other actors was Scandinavian,” the woman recalls.

Becoming more and more curious, the doctor points out, “But your baby even has slanted eyes!”

The woman admits to the doctor, “The third guy was Chinese… I did them all one after the other.”

The doctor is rather shocked by all this, but decides the drop the subject and tend to the baby. The baby is silent, so he gives it a gentle slap on the buttocks, and the baby takes a good gulp of air into its lungs for the first time and starts to cry. On hearing the baby cry, the woman says, “Thank fuck for that! I thought it was going to bark!”

62

What has a thousand legs and can’t walk?

Jerry’s kids.
How do you move Jerry’s kids from one side of the room to the other?

With a big magnet.
What do you call a mountain climber with a vasectomy?

Dry sack on the rocks.
What do men with vasectomies and Christmas trees have in common?

Ornamental balls.

63

(to be told in a prissy voice and a bad fake english accent)

Two nuns were out for a drive one day, when who should appear on the bonnet of their car but Satan himself, waggling his long tongue and thrusting and gyrating in a most obscene way!

“Don’t just sit there,” said the first nun to the second nun, “show him your cross!”

And so the second nun put her head out the indow, shook her fist and said “GET OFF OUR FUCKING BONNET, YOU CUNT!”

AND…this is my favorite joke of all time (no accents necessary)

A guy runs into the doctor’s office. He says “Doctor, doctor, my pecker fell off!! Can you sew it back on?”

“Where is it?” asks the doctor.

“In my pocket.”

“Well, let’s see it.”

So the man takes it out of his pocket and hands it to the doctor. The doctor holds it in his hand and looks puzzled. “But…th…this is a cigar.”

The man slaps his own forhead. “Oh, MAN. I SMOKED my DICK!”

64

Two guys are in a waiting room at a doctor’s office and they get to talking about why they’re there.
The first guy says, “Well, I woke up this morning and found a red ring around the base of my dick.”
The second guy responds, “That’s amazing! I have the same problem, only my ring is green.”
The first guy goes in to see the doctor. A minute later, he comes back out and tells the second guy, “Don’t worry, it’s no big deal.”
The second guy is relieved by this news as he goes in to see the doctor. This doesn’t last long, however, as after the doctor examines him, he says, “Sir, I’m afraid you have a very serious problem here.”
“But the guy who was just in here told me it was no big deal!”
“Well, there’s a big difference between lipstick and gangrene.”
Here’s one I heard from my high school chemistry teacher. An American astronaut, Russian cosmonaut, and European astronaut are sitting around, bragging about their programs. The Russian says, “Comrades, the Russian space program is the best in the world. We were the first to send a man into orbit.”
The American says, “That’s nothing! We landed the first man on the moon!”
The European says, “You think that’s impressive? We’re going to land the first man on the sun!”
The other two start laughing at him, “Are you crazy? You’ll burn up before you even reach the sun!”
The European says, “What do you think we are, stupid? We’re gonna do it at night!”

65

Woman: Doctor, Doctor, these birth control pills aren’t working!

Doctor: What’s wrong?

Woman: They keep falling out.

66

Everybody knows there’s no such thing as too many bad jokes to get out of the way. This is the first thread that has gone over a page that my friends like and laugh histarically at. Thanks everybode and by all means, if you hear or come up with any more, type them in.

67

A little girl goes to her mother. She says “Mommy, Mommy, can I have some chocolate?”
“No, you can’t have any chocolate, you’ll spoil your dinner.”
“Awwww…PLEASE?! Please Mommy, can I have some chocolate?”
“No, I told you, you’ll spoil your dinner.”
“Please, Mommy, please? I promise I won’t spoil my dinner. Just a little chocolate, please?!”
“ALL RIGHT ALREADY!!! Fine. You can have some chocolate. It’s in the cabinet above the sink. Go get it yourself.”
“But Mommy, I don’t have any arms.”
The mother wags her finger and says “No arms, no chocolate.”

A young woman has just given birth for the first time. She is lying in her hospital bed when the nurse comes into the room. “Would you like to see your baby?” she asks.
“Oh, yes, yes, take me to him.” So they begin to walk down the hospital corridors. The nurse turns to the woman and says “I’m afraid there’s a…ahh…slight problem with your baby.”
“A problem with my baby? What’s wrong? What’s wrong with my baby?”
“Well…he’s got a slight birth defect. You see…ma’am, your baby doesn’t have any legs.”
“No legs?!” the woman screams, “My baby has no legs? But…I…b…” but then she pulls herself together. “I don’t care,” she says. “He’s my baby, my beautiful baby, and I’ll love him even if he has no legs.”
They continue walking.
“Actually, ma’am,” says the nurse," I haven’t told you the whole story. You see, your baby has no arms either."
“No arms?!” the woman screams. But again she collects herself. “I don’t care. He’s my baby and I love him, even if he has no arms or legs.”
They continue walking.
“Actually,” says the nurse, turning to the woman, “there’s more. You see, ma’am, your baby has no body at all. He’s just a head.”
“WHAT?!” screams the woman, “No body at all?!? But…I…no, I…” She gets herself together. “I don’t care, he’s my baby and I love him. Take me to him.”
As they enter the big room with all the babies in their little beds, the nurse stops and turns to the woman once more, a look of determination on her face. “Ma’am,” she says, “I have to come clean. Your baby…he’s…he’s…he’s just an ear.” And she directs the woman to her son, lying in a bed in the corner, just a little ear set gently and delicately on a pillow. By this time, nothing can shock the woman anymore. She is determined to love this child and bring him up the best she can. She approaches the bed, gently scoops up the little ear in her hand, holds it close to her lips, and begins whispering sweetly to it. “You’re my baby,” she says, “my one and only little baby boy, and I will love you forever and ever, my sweet, sweet, sweet little baby.”
“YOU’LL HAVE TO SPEAK UP, HE’S DEAF.”

This used to be a French joke. Could you tell?

68

A guy named Benny is walking on the beach and he sees an urn lying in the sand, obviously washed up out of the ocean. Benny pick the urn up and rubs the sand off of it and poof out pops a genie. Benny says, “I thought genies lived in lamps?” The genie says “Hey, it’s rent controlled, and besides, I’m a different kind of genie.” “wattya mean different?” Benny says suspiciously. “Well I do the three wishes thing, but theres a catch. If I grant you 3 wishes, you have to promise to never shave again.”
Benny thinks about that for a minute and can’t see any problem with that but he’s sure there’s a catch. “What if I do?”
“Well, then you become a genie and have to live in this urn, and I get to go free.” replied the genie. “Oh, and you can never tell anybody about our deal.”
“That sound doable to me.” says Benny and immmediatly wishes for the usual money, etc.

Several years later, Benny is enjoying his money, his yachts, his treophy wife, his airplanes, etc, but there’s one problem: his wife hats his beard, and is constantly bugging him to shave it off, but he always refuses.
Finally she gets so frustrated that one day she waits until he falls asleep and furtively lathers up his face and shavess his beard off.
As she takes the final swipe POOF Benny disappears, and on his pillow is an urn! When she holds the urn up to her ear she can just hear a little tiny voice screaming “You stupid bitch!”

The moral of this story is:

A Benny shaved is a Benny urned!

You did say bad jokes.

69

A couple of more light bulb jokes…

How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None of your f****n business.
How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It’s hardware. Don’t touch it.

70

Why Do Ducks Have Flat Feet?
To Stamp Out Fires.

Why Do Elephants Have Flat Feet?
To Stamp Out Flaming Ducks.
[sub]No one will ever know how much I love that joke.[/sub]

71

Rene Descartes is sitting in a bar. The bartender asks him if he’d like another drink. Descartes says, “I think not.” and POOF! he disappears.

72

Have you heard about the new viagra eye drops?
It’s for guys that want to look hard

why did the hedgehog cross the road?
because it was stapled to the chicken

A blonde goes to the doctor and says " doc, every part of my body hurts when I touch it with my finger".
The doctor examines her and says " you have a broken finger"
Man walks up to a woman in a bar and whispers "can I smell your fanny?
the shocked woman shouts “no you cannot”!
the man says “oh it must be your feet then”

Why is there no asprin in the jungle?
because the paratsetemol

73

Have you heard about the gay amputee? We call him “Tomato” because we can’t decide if he’s a fruit or a vegetable.

74

Okay, one more:

“Mommy! Mommy! Look at me go round and round!”

“Shut up, Johnny.”

“Mommy! Mommy! Look at me go round and round!”

“I said shut up, Johnny.”

“Mommy! Mommy! Look at me go round and round!”

“Shut up, Johnny, or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor.”
I lied, a few elephant jokes:

What’s grey and goes slam, slam, slam, slam?.

A four door elephant.
How can you tell if an elephant is sneaking up behind you?

You can smell peanuts on his breath.
How can you tell if an elephant’s been in your refrigerator?

You can see his footprints in the butter.
What’s black, lives in trees, and is very dangerous?

A crow with a machine gun.

(I said I lied.)

75

What’s black and taps on the window?
A baby in a microwave.

How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two - one to change the bulb and one to suck my dick.

Why do women wear make-up and perfume?
Because they’re ugly and they smell.

What do you call a man after he’s come?
Anything you like, he’s asleep.

76

What’s easier to unload, a truck full of bowling balls, or a truck full of dead babies?

Dead babies, you can’t unload bowling balls with a pitchfork!
What’s red and white and sits in the corner?

Baby eating razor blades.
What’s the first thing a blonde does when she wakes up?

Goes home.
What do you call a leper in a hot tub?

Soup
Why did they stop the leper hockey game

There was a face off in the corner.

And a long one:

A plane carrying UN delagates is crossing the Atlantic.
On board are a Frenchman, an Englishman, an American and a Mexican. The plane begins to run out of fuel. They must lighten the plane to make it to land. After throwing out all the baggage, the plane is still too heavy. They rip out all the seats, but the plane is still too heavy.
Puffing out his chest, the Englishman says “God save the Queen” and jumps out, so the others might live. But the plane is still too heavy. The Frenchan shouit “Vive la France” and jumps, but the plane is still too heavy.
The American (from Texas) shouts “Remember the Alamo”, and throws out the Mexican.

and on a similar note:

A priest, a business man and a boy scout are all on plane. The plane runs out of fuel and begins to go down. They must parchute, but there are only two chutes. The priest, having lived a long a faithgul life, gives his parachute to the boy scout. The business man says " I’d give my chute to you father, but I’m a very important man and my company needs me" with that, he jumps from the plane. The preist turns to the boy and says " Go now my son". The boyscout looks at the priest and say “It’s all right padre, that guy took my knapsack”

Ba-DUM-dump

77

Two nuns are riding their bicycles through town. One nun says, “I’ve never come this way before.” The other nun says, “Oh, it must be the cobblestone.”

78

A sandwich goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender yells, “We don’t serve food here, get out!”

Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the Shell station.

Did you hear about the overturned garbage truck? It was a stinking mess.

What do you get when you cross the Sith Lord with a pachyderm? An elevader.

Bonus geek joke:
Why do computer programmers get Halloween mixed up with Christmas? Because OCT 31 = DEC 25.

79

A man walks into the Doctors with jelly in one ear and sponge in the other.
‘Doctor, Doctor, I can’t hear anything’
The doctor replies.
‘I think you’re a trifle deaf’

[sub]Autographs after the show[/sub]

80

From Gentle all the way to Eeeewwww…

What has 4 wheels and flies.
–A garbage truck.

How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas?
–He felt his presence.

How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?
–Suck it’s dick.

A clown and a little boy are walking into the forest when it starts to thunder. The kid says “I’m getting scared.” The clown says “Why are you scared? I’m the one that has to walk out of here by my self!”