And I like making love at midnight
In the dunes of a cake. eh? what?
callie, my dear, I’ll happily share a few Penises with you. 
::flashes thread::
Oh, fuck. I don’t have tits.
::looks between legs::
That ::points down:: would be why.
Ahem
It seems only natural that the perfect thread would have a nifty external link to the lyrics of the David Allan Coe song “You Never Even Called Me By My Name” including the recitation about how the final verse is the perfect country and western song. Enjoy.
The perfect thread must have a drug reference too.
Hey! Anyone wanna smoke a joint! [sub]Coldy’s gonna kill me[/sub]
The perfect thread is the perfect time to tell robgruver that I have such a crush a on him.
-Gratitious drug reference. (and yes, I do)
-He’s a gamer. (I firgive him the V:tM 3rd edition thing)
-He owns a Desert Eagle .50. (A very sexy gun, I must say.)
-I like his views on sexuality. (See recent threesome thread)
So, rob, how YOU doin’?
Let’s not forget that the perfect thread must always contain reference to how incredibly hot the female dopers of the redhead persuasion are.
Well, one would hope not at least. The quest for the MOTHER OF ALL THREADS - hmmmmmm - why then I suppose, given the all-encompassing title, it must include numerous references to each of those topics, but by no means should be limited by the narrow-minded to that short list. There should be a veritable orgy of creative thought, though a veritable orgy would suffice. There should be a recipe for goats head soup. This ultimate thread would also be an excellent place to applaud the dangerous side-effects of cellphones. Political correctness should be staunchly forbidden and derided as the downfall of civilization that it surely will become. Time travel will be tolerated, but only insomuch as it is used to bring a goodly portion of the coin of the realm to come into the possession of the twisted folk who post messages here at the SDMB. All women will wear bikinis (or not) and look good in (or out of) them. No men will wear speedos and we all know why. Jokes about political figures will abound - no, scratch that - too realistic. Lots of good drug-induced music from the sixties, and if its not available an acceptable alternative would be any disco number played at 78rpm backwards. At regular intervals readers of this thread should be required to staple all loose papers to their desk. Road rage will not be tolerated and shall be dealt with severely by those covering the “guns” portion of the title. Popcorn will be served, quiche will not. Everyone will be allowed to trade in cassette tapes for CD’s and VHS tapes for DVD’s. Those who still own LP’s, 8-track tapes, and Beta tapes will be ridiculed. All thermostats will be possessed by demons from the netherhells. All camels will be required to wear boxer shorts. Batteries not included.
How about some fire? Burn those Jack Chick tracts! [singing]I have only one burning desire…Let me stand next to your fire… Come on baby, light my fire…Tryin’ to set the night on fire!..[/singing]
And how about some underpants? I went out and bought some sexy lingerie, just for this thread! Let me describe it: Red satin corset with black lace accents…almost a little too small, and very revealing…Hmm, shall I take it off to get more comfortable?
As long as my corset is off, we might as well have some boobs in this thread! Mine aren’t exactly DD, but they’re what’s known as “Fun Size” in the candy industry. Double Bubbles, if you will. Mind if they bounch up and down? Whooooo!
Now this is a party!
Bounce, I meant, of course! BOUNCE!
Brunettes, too. Oh, Yum. Yum yum yum yum yum. Cannot get enough of 'em.
And, of course, a mix is . . .
Is it hot in here or is it just me?
You’re all wrong. This is the Perfect Thread:
All Your Felching Jesus Limericks Are Belong To Us.
I do believe we’ve forgotten the gratuitous homosexual flirting. Could we have some gratuitious homosexual flirting, please?
Thank you.
Esprix
I’ll flirt with you, Esprix…just don’t make me listen to Judy Garland, okay?
I know this is meant to be the perfect thread and light-hearted and humourous, but I must tell you that since it started a few days ago I have been in turmoil.
This is the first time I have ever discussed this so openly.
The fact is I have long had a dependency problem with erect nipples and penis beer.
I have never been able to tell anyone about it, but my life has essentially been a sham. I have been fired from my last three jobs indirectly because of this burden. All my savings have gone on nipple-erecting creams, and cheap penis beer from Mexico.
I had actually got to a point three days ago where I had decided to end my life. I had prepared a thread to this effect but couldn’t decide which forum to enter it into, or whether to call it “Can I kill myself by injecting alcohol into my veins?” (GQ), “Fuck off all you worthless time wasters, goodbye forever”(The Pit), or “test sig for suicide note” (ATMB).
But the fact that this very subject was raised here, and that so many people seemed un-judgemental made me get in touch with Odieman by email. He has been speaking with me by phone (long-distance!) almost non-stop since. Honestly everybody - he has been WONDERFUL!! He has listened, supported me beyond any expectation I could have, suggested how I can deal with this and has actually helped me to get a new start in life.
He has introduced me to other posters friends of his who have also helped with supportive emails, phone calls and practical help. For example, Anthracite, who has had a nipple-erection dependency in her own past, has promised to give me some interesting samples of coal, UncleBeer is sending me a gun (in case I change my mind), and handy has donated over 600 posts he didn’t want any more for my post count.
I am now seeing a psychiatrist, and a new life has opened up. So, may I just take this opportunity of thanking all of you who have posted to this thread, and all Dopers in general, but especially Odieman. You are a prince, and I cannot thank you enough for all your time and warmth and friendship.
Please excuse any typos, but I am crying as I write this. I am so grateful to all the moderators, administrators and the Chicago Reader. my life has turned around, and I owe it all to this perfect thread.
Thank you humbly,
Redboss
What in the wide wide world of sports is a goin’ on in here now?
Lessee, what can we do about gettin’ some Coldy Bashin started. How 'bout this?
The Netherlands—Area:
[ul]
[li] Total: 41,532 sq km[/li][li] Land: 33,889 sq km[/li][li] Water: 7,643 sq km[/li][/ul]
making The Netherlands slightly less than twice the size of New Jersey. How’s dat?
:snickering:
Wicked, you are so…so…wicked! “Penis Beer”,indeed.
:Thumbs up to Redboss: I’m still snickering.
:flashes her white panty-clad fanny at Persephone:
Hey, isn’t that discrimination? What about those of us who are, shall we say, a handful?
Hmm, lets see.
-
A perfect thread would have to be in Great Debates, a perfect GQ would have one reply with over 1,000 reads. (very informative but as boring as bat shit :D)
-
The letters IMHO should not appear anywhere in the thread.
-
Nobody gratuitiously refers to Opal
-
There are at least one link to a Cecil column
-
Several posts by mods taking contrary positions
-
A series of line by line disections and rebuttals that are impossible for all but the protagonists to decipher
-
An invitation to a Pit thread
-
Someone gets banned
-
The obscenely biological bits have been already well covered (or uncovered as the case may be) earlier in this thread
-
At least one technical nitpick
-
A poster states “Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun” (aka “I shoot, and I vote”) in a hijack on guns and freedoms, ignoring the irony of the quote being from Mao Tse-Tung.
-
A perfect thread always leaves something unanswered, so I’ll ignore the abortion theme
-
That leaves Coldy bashing … well I thought that penis beer might be a reference to Heineken, but that was a bit weak … how about Johan Cruyff was a broken down nobody who couldn’t play football for sour apples?
()() Notice the DDD size and the erect nips? Oh, sorry, was that TMI? <giving my best innocent look>
I gotta admit, Mobius, Redboss, and Woolly had excellent posts, as well as many other fine dopers. Now, UncleBeer and hmmm…[sub]what was his nom de guerre again?[/sub]…you know, the one with the weird, oxymoron name? oh, yes…Coldfire…now where was I? Oh! Now our dear mods, ever ready with the perspicacity and persnicketiness which their convoluted ‘job’ here requires, have shown up in this thread, rendering it fit to read. 
Now where is my favorite hunk of manhood to flirt with? sexy pout All the ones here already seem to be preoccupied with the other beauties. No one has mentioned a blonde, not even my flirty buddy Paddy-no-shirt.
()() My, my. I keep bouncing around today without my usual support. ()() grunt Now, if I can just keep this stupid thong strap from…Blush Never mind. Whose bright idea was it to have us females wear such nonsense anyway?
Howzat?
And how could I have forgotten a most important element in a perfect thread? <Smacks herself in the head>
Oh, Chieffy? Do come here, my dashingly handsome sailor, I have a smilie just for you, along with a liplock you won’t soon forget. smoooooooch
<almost forgetting to come up for air, his kisses are so delightful>
SLAP! Hey! Just 'cuz I let them out for a bit, doesn’t mean you can just grab them like that! :eek:
Be nice, or I’ll fill a post full of smilies.