Premise: The children of the leaders of several North American/Europe/Southeast Asian countries, including the daughter of the President of the United States and the son of the Prime Minister of the UK, have been kidnapped by terrorists who are simultaneously threatening to kill the hostages and detonate a nuclear bomb in a major North American or European city if the Allies don’t agree to completely pull out of the Middle East, Korea, and sever ties to Isreal and South Korea, and cease drug interdiction in Latin America.
The Allies cannot risk sending in a military strike force for fear of the hostages being executed and a major city obliterated. But one man might be able to locate and free the hostages, find the location of the bomb or bombs, and disarm or dispose of it or them safely.
Who should that one man be, Jack Bauer or James Bond? Or possibly someone else–Maxwell Smart, John Steed, Jason Bourne, Napoleon Solo, Dirk Pitt, Angus MacGyver? The fate of the world depends upon our decision.
The kidnappees include Euan Blair and the Bush twins? Air-drop a few crates of bottled lager and tequila, and wait for gibbering puke-stained terrorists to call up and beg you to take the drunken reprobates back.
How about Matt Helm? Of course, the female hostages will all come back swooning. And there might be some spontaneous go-go dancing.
Yeah, let’s forget about Matt Helm.
Austin Powers would…
No, let’s forget him.
I love Jack Bauer, but shit gets way too interesting in his presence. And too many people die. And, it’s like torture waiting for more news related to him. Also, you know his daughter will be involved, somehow.
James Bond is cool and capable, of course. But you still have the problem of swooning female captives. Also, every structure he has ever left explodes as he is leaving. Alright, I guess this only happens after he accomplishes his mission, but still.
MacGyver is fun. He refuses to use guns, but if he can find a tube and some common chemicals, he might be able to fashion some sort of gun…
Also, let’s not forget Jim West. (The tight-pants version, not Will Smith.) We’ll have more swooning and even more dead ladies than Bond, but I want to see more of that tiny powered pulley action. How the hell do those things work, anyway? On the other hand, that fucking midget will turn out to be the bad guy, and he’ll get away again, (even though it just looks like he’s dying.) Fucker.
I like Maxwell Smart for this. Yes, the bad guys will get away, and the bomb will go off, but we’ll all just get soot on our faces and it will be funny.