Be My Dating Coach

In My Humble Opinion
1

The Story: Basically, I’m in a situation where dating is not possible. I don’t think I’ve even talked one-on-one with an unmarried guy in the last month, and that’s not changing until September. I’m REALLY missing having a social life, and I keep thinking about the bright future ahead of me and how I can get the most out of the next year. Rather than spend a fortune downloading cheesy dating books on my Kindle, I figured I’d turn to you all. At the least, it’ll pass the (slowly going) time. I trust the collective wisdom of the Dope, even if they just want to bash me for going all LiveJournal on ya. (And if this is too LiveJournal for you, move on! I’m just passing the time here.)

Me: I’m 30 years old, female, and a graduate student of International Development in DC. I’ve got a nice body (which is getting nicer here- I’m working out a lot these days), my face isn’t conventionally beautiful, but it can be cute in a quirky exotic way. I take care of myself and dress well- a bit on the sexy side. I’m not super-hot, but I have something going for me. At least, I’m slim and I still look youngish.

I guess the biggest problem is that I’m not sure what I’m looking for. I’m intellectually aware that the clock is ticking, and my friends are starting to finally pair off. But whenever I look at books on “How to Marry That Man,” I lose interest. Paired with the fact that I may well be working abroad for the long term- which is certainly flexible depending on the circumstances, it’s tough to picture a serious thing, but I know that’s what I probably should be looking for if I want that to happen in my lifetime. I’m not getting any younger. And it would be nice to be working with something with a future.

My last relationship (let’s call him Eduardo) was essentially an extended exclusive booty-call with a fairly emotionally unavailable man (who complained that I’m the most emotionally unavailable woman he’s ever seen.) While I sometimes got attached and then upset at his unavailability, for the most part I kept a level head and we had a lot of fun. He was hot, we did fun things together, and it was actually pretty satisfying- except, of course, it ended. We both left for summer things, and we had agreed that basically it’d end as that. Good terms, but very over. Previous relationships have included a few multi-year things that ended because I was basically bored, immature, and not ready for commitment. And then there were a couple hot-and-fast relationships that left me heartbroken. I’ve never really dated around, and I’d like to try that when I get back.

Here are the main questions i could use advice one:
[ol]
[li]What is a good strategy for dating around? I tend to get myself in relationships, but I’m realizing it might not be smart to keep my eggs all in one basket. If anything, having other guys around would keep me from getting to focused on one during the early stages. But I tend to be picky. Do I just date guys I’m not too interested in anyway to see what happens? [/li][li]What can I do to prepare for getting back? I’m working out like mad, and my body is looking good. I’ve been trying to address the “emotionally availability” issue by reading up on communication and the like. Are there any good books you’d recommend for someone who isn’t in great touch with her feelings? I’ve read “He’s Just Not That In To You,” which was actually a pretty good reality check. Anything else?[/li][li]This last relationship…I can’t keep Eduardo on as a booty call, can I? We’ll be seeing each other again professionally, and there was A LOT of good stuff between us- just not a relationship’s worth. The issue is that we did develop feelings. Those might be possible to shelve…but that’s not something I should touch, right? And if he couldn’t do it the first time, he’s not going to do it the second time, right? So basically we can’t hang out in any capacity, or can we?[/li][li]How do I deal with the fact that I spent the last four of the last five years out of the States (plus this summer…) I don’t want to make a big deal of it and I feel like it’s pretty intimidating, but at the same time, any time I tell a story from 4/5th of the last year it is naturally going to be in some crazy country. Even if I am just talking about the food I like or the music I like, there is no way to get around that I’ve been living this kind of strange and a-lot-to-take in life. I’m finally adjusted to life in the US, but it’s still there. Can I just avoid this part for a while (but then when it comes out, it’s kind of big)[/li][li]How do I get myself looking for a nice, marriage-material, serious man when all I’m really interested in is hot, passionate relationships with cute guys?[/li][/ol]

For reference, here is my OKCupid profile. I know I need some more recent pictures (don’t worry- I didn’t put on 50 lbs or anything- but my hair is longer and I managed to get some without the huge sunglasses that are glued on to my face) Any comments?

Thanks in advance!

2

It does sound like casual dating is the best bet for you right now - I think you approach that by being honest right from the start. I imagine a lot of guys are going to be perfectly okay with, “I’m in the middle of a massive life upheaval right now, and I don’t know where I’ll be when the dust settles. I’m not looking for marriage and commitment - just some company and fun.”

You can try to keep on seeing Eduardo casually, but it doesn’t sound like that was working for either of you.

As for having lived abroad recently, I think you just have to make sure that it isn’t your only topic of conversation, or that you keep on talking about it at any chance. It is interesting to talk with someone who has done that, but not if it’s the ONLY thing they talk about. There are a lot of immigrants in Calgary, and I’ve socialized with many of them, and while their country of birth comes up occasionally, it’s possible to talk with them about many things without it all being about where they’re from, and I think it is probably the same with your recent living abroad experiences.

3

I just read How to Avoid Falling In Love With a Jerk, which I thought was pretty good. Not exactly what you’re going for but a decent reality check about building healthy relationships.

4

We are a 79% match!

How you doin :smiley:

5

You are cute and your profile is interesting.

6

Thanks for the advice.

I know I should be looking long term. And that is the ultimate goal. If the right person came I’d drop all of this and go for that. My life (finally) isn’t really in upheaval and my future is looking bright and flexible. If something big is going to happen, over the course of the next year would be the ideal time. I know this. And when I’m once again being jerked around by the jerk I’m dating, I feel it in my heart, too. But somehow the whole “marriage minded” dating thing doesn’t click, no matter how badly I want it to. Maybe I just have to find the right guy, the one who gets me thinking that way. That’s how (most) guys do it, right? And it works for them?

Seeing Eduardo semi-casually was 95% great, and when it wasn’t it was mostly my fault- he was pretty honest and straightforward about everything. I’ll probably see him soon after I get back. We’ll probably be awkward and avoid each other for a bit, but I’m guessing within a month he’ll want to hang out one on one in some context. Do we meet for coffee and try to be friends (which we are, but I’m not a huge fan of keeping exes as friends…there are plenty of people I don’t have history with to be friends with.) Or do I try to steer it to sex without friendship. I don’t think we could have both, because that’s a relationship and unless he feels like stepping up, then we can’t have that because we know it doesn’t work. Hopefully i have something else going on by then, and can just avoid the whole issue.

How do I bring up this past without surprising people too much? I have enough experiences in the US now that I have stories that come from the US. But if I don’t get it out of the way, it gets really awkward…I’ll mention something that happened in China in passing, and then I’ll have to explain that I was there two years, and I find that’s kind of a big thing to drop on people…and then I have to explain that there is more, and then suddenly I have this huge weird other life that is how I spent half my 20s.

7

This may work but its gonna spook alot of the decent guys who are going to assume this means unresolved relationship issues. My biggest dating issues of late have been being given vague half assed answers about life situations in such a way that it was hard for me to make a good decision about how to proceed. If you have a problem that will inhibit your dating life tell them. I personally love being a problem solver and sometimes if you are hanging with a guy who is able and willing to work with your situations, you end up with far fewer major conflicts.

I had a g/f who our complex schedules always seemed to miss until we set up a shared google calendar. Suddenly a cancellation could be exploted and bam, we got to do lunch together or something.

8

Much like people with millitary service. Plan on having a long night telling them all about it because many of them will be very curious. Once thats done, 90% of the questions will be answered and it will prolly only come up again when someone needs to read furniture assembly instructions in chineese.

9

I wish it had a different title, but yeah. This book has a lot to offer when it comes to figuring out how to think about what you’re looking for in a relationship and how to avoid putting too much into one that doesn’t suit.

10

I’d tell you to just date and see what happens. Don’t go into it thinking about it one way or another. Everybody told me in my breakup thread that I was an idiot to get involved seriously with anybody so fast, and they’re surely right, but I’m ridiculously happy with Mr. Serious right now. (And I broke all the rules in How To Avoid Falling In Love With a Jerk, too, although I know they’re definitely good ideas. Whoops.)

If you go into it all “I am just looking for temporary companionship” OR “I am looking to get married within the next five years” you’ll do yourself a disservice. Just date, see how it goes.

11

Sounds like you’re into serial monogamy. That’s okay, it sounds like that’s what you’re comfortable with. You say you want “to date around”, but is that something you are really comfortable with? Seeing Joe on Tuesday, Tom on Thursday, Fred on Friday, and Joe again on Saturday? Girls can be playa’s too.

When my wife and I met, we were dating other people as well. Neither of us were in committed relationships. It eventually resolved into a monogamous relationship after a couple of months.

Also, 30 year olds should not hear their clocks ticking. You’ve got plenty of time.

12

It sounds like you feel like you should be looking for something long term, but that your heart’s not really in it. Given that your living situation’s going to be in flux for the foreseeable future, that’s a pretty reasonable outlook, and you shouldn’t be trying to force yourself to go for something that you don’t actually want.

As for dating around, the most important thing is to understand why you end up in relationships. Do you have trouble with having sex without commitment or emotional involvement? Do you just not see more than one guy at a time, and end up going steady by default? Is it something else? Whatever it is, you need to figure it out and change your behavior accordingly. One of the most important things for anyone to understand is that you can’t control what happens in most situations, but you can control what you do.

Finally, there’s Eduardo. As the old joke goes, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting something different to happen. If you go back to him, it’ll be largely the same as before. Since it doesn’t sound like either of you were happy with that, I’d definitely recommend against it.

13

I think you are spot on, Omar. I have a history of serial monogomy, and it’s not a bad way to go (more giddy falling-in-love, less boring staying-in-love.) But I’m finding two disadvantages: it ties you up so you are not meeting Mr. Right and it sets you up to fall for the hot jerks that you kow you have no future with. Learning to mix it up would solve that.

14

I’ve got a couple things that sort of stick out to me.

This may sound bad, but it’s really just an observation. I feel like I learn a lot about people based not so much on what their specific answers are to a question along the lines of “tell me about yourself”, but moreso about what things they choose to describe. For instance, someone who talks about where they grew up and their family and their hobbies is going to be a lot different than someone who first describes themselves based upon their career, goals, and that sort of thing. In this case, you focus a lot on your appearance, sorta gloss over you job, and don’t mention anything about your personality or interests or whatever.

This sort of goes along with the first observation. It doesn’t sound like looking for a serious relationship is the right thing for you. I’d tend to think that someone who is truly interested in a relationship probably would have described herself with more things that go along with that, particular interests one might have in common, personality trades, references to friends and family or whatever. In short, it just sounds like you feel pressured into getting into a relationship because of your age and the status of your friends, and not so much because it’s what you actually want. Regardless, figure out exactly what you want because if you meet someone thinking you want something other than you do, someone will end up hurt.

[quote]
[li]What is a good strategy for dating around? I tend to get myself in relationships, but I’m realizing it might not be smart to keep my eggs all in one basket. If anything, having other guys around would keep me from getting to focused on one during the early stages. But I tend to be picky. Do I just date guys I’m not too interested in anyway to see what happens?[/li][/quote]

If you feel like you’re being too picky, ease up a little. I’ve gone on more than a few dates with a girl I was lukewarm about and without expectations of anything. Often, it is the only date I go on with her, a few times it was a bit more. The thing is, other than a few bucks and a few hours, there’s nothing to lose from going out on a date. You get some socializing and you can learn a lot. For instance, maybe something that you’re traditionally picky on, when you spend time with that person, isn’t really that big of a deal. Maybe you go on a date with someone and realize something that seemed minor is a bigger deal and it can be a red flag for the future. Don’t look at every guy you meet as a potential husband or sexual partner.

Now, of course, don’t go too far in the other direction, cause that can be disastrous. Being picky isn’t a bad thing, just don’t be super picky right at first because you’re missing out on a lot.

[quote]
[li]What can I do to prepare for getting back? I’m working out like mad, and my body is looking good. I’ve been trying to address the “emotionally availability” issue by reading up on communication and the like. Are there any good books you’d recommend for someone who isn’t in great touch with her feelings? I’ve read “He’s Just Not That In To You,” which was actually a pretty good reality check. Anything else?[/li][/quote]

Honestly, I’m not sure if that’s the best idea. I’m all for self-improvement, but you should do it for yourself, not for the sake of getting a date. I’m a gym rat myself, and though it certainly doesn’t hurt to be in shape when trying to meet women, I would do it even if I were taking a break. Similarly, “emotional availability” is good, but some people just aren’t as emotional as others, and there’s nothing wrong with that. The point there is to figure out whether your “emotion availability” is actually a problem or that that’s just how you are. Either way, I’d suggest some serious introspection, figure out exactly who you feel you are and be comfortable with that.

[quote]
[li]This last relationship..I can’t keep Eduardo on as a booty call, can I? We’ll be seeing each other again professionally, and there was A LOT of good stuff between us- just not a relationship’s worth. The issue is that we did develop feelings. Those might be possible to shelve…but that’s not something I should touch, right? And if he couldn’t do it the first time, he’s not going to do it the second time, right? So basically we can’t hang out in any capacity, or can we?[/li][/quote]

I thought you said above it was over. It sounds like you’re conflicted here and, as long as you’re conflicted, it can potentially cause problems. Certainly, I’d suggest avoiding a booty call until you get things sorted out. Personally, I’m not the type to say that one can’t be friends and hang out with an ex, but that’s only if both people are over the relationship and still want a friendship. If either of you still has feelings, spending time together will be painful for one and awkward for the other. And, of course, if you’re actually trying to meet other guys, unless you’re very clear that it’s a very casual thing, having a booty call on the side won’t go over well.

[quote]
[li]How do I deal with the fact that I spent the last four of the last five years out of the States (plus this summer…) I don’t want to make a big deal of it and I feel like it’s pretty intimidating, but at the same time, any time I tell a story from 4/5th of the last year it is naturally going to be in some crazy country. Even if I am just talking about the food I like or the music I like, there is no way to get around that I’ve been living this kind of strange and a-lot-to-take in life. I’m finally adjusted to life in the US, but it’s still there. Can I just avoid this part for a while (but then when it comes out, it’s kind of big)[/li][/quote]

You said you live in the DC area, yes? So do I, and in that sense it is both a blessing and a curse. There’s people from all over the country and the world in this area, and I think you may actually find it a bit easier to meet someone who can relate to those sorts of things in this area than in many others. But we all have things that set us apart. Of course, that’s also the curse of this sort of area is that there’s a lot of diversity and so it’s a bit more of a crapshoot to really find someone that you might click with. Either way, don’t avoid it, but do be conscious of how you put it out there. I don’t think many guys would be turned off by you spending so much time out of the country; however, like so many other things, it will come off poorly if it’s ALL you talk about or, even moreso, if it comes across as secretive.

[quote]
[li]How do I get myself looking for a nice, marriage-material, serious man when all I’m really interested in is hot, passionate relationships with cute guys?[/li][/quote]

Frankly, it doesn’t sound like you really want a nice, marriage-material, serious man for a relationship, so don’t go out there looking for one. You’ll just end up disappointed or bored and he’ll end up hurt. Go out there, meet some people, and have some fun. Maybe along the lines you’ll meet someone that you really do want that sort of relationship to be with, but you can’t force it.

I can’t see it at work, but if you’d like, and I remember, I can give my input later from home.

15

I have to run so I can’t explain right now, but the fact that you use this phrase is a pretty big red flag to me (subject to the caveat that we’re online, so I don’t have any of the nonverbal information that would come out in a real conversation). Anyone else feel the same way and want to have a go?

16

FWW, i met my husband when i was dating about 6 different men at once (yah, yah, i’m a slut bag) - in my head he was strictly ‘fun boy toy’ material. Then we wound up falling in love, getting married and having a baby. Oops! :smiley:

Anyway, as old as you think 30 is, it’s not really. Go out with lots of different guys. Meet them in different places. Unless they ping your ‘creep’ vibe go out with anyone who asks even if they seem inappropriate for some reason (see husband above).

Maybe you’ll meet someone great, maybe you’ll just have some fun, you will have lots of weird awkward evenings, but also some good ones too.

Your dating profile looks nice to me, but i’m not really your target audience. :slight_smile:

17

What past? If you mean living in China, well, the answer is that you should only date people who think that’s interesting and cool, not anyone who thinks it’s ‘weird’. [I mean, you think it’s interesting and cool, right? I do. Heck, I’d be looking for any excuse to bring it up in conversation.]

In fact, look at it as an advantage: bring it up early, and if you get the wrong reaction, you’ve just saved a lot of time not dating a boring close-minded ignoramous, and go on to the next one that much sooner.

18

I think you’re worrying too much about the topic of having lived overseas. Everybody’s going to have life experiences of one kind or another to talk about. You’ll let your past out in bits and pieces just like the guy will with his. (“What a coincidence; I’ve travelled nationwide myself over the last 5 years. I’ve been all over the federal prison system!”)

The problem with continuing a relationship with Eduardo is that he may turn into a hindrance to your dating other people. If nothing else, he’ll be taking up time and energy.

19

Staying in love is a lot of fun. What isn’t fun is trying to make an infatuation last beyond its sell-by date.

I agree with others that it just doesn’t sound like you want to settle down, so why look for someone to settle down with right now?

If you agree that you’re emotionally unavailable and that it’s a problem, consider therapy or introspection or something to learn why it might be true and what you can do about it. But it might not be true and/or it might not be a problem. Maybe you are reserved with some people and open with others. I tend to be that way and it doesn’t hinder my romantic relationships, for example.

Thirty is a good time to start assessing what you want out of life and what you intend to do to get there and whether getting “there” is going to require some adjustments and/or sacrifices over the next ten years or so. It might and only you can determine if they are worth it to get to whatever your goals might be.

20

Why do you think this is such a big deal? If you find yourself worrying that a prospect will think your experiences abroad are “big thing,” it’s probably a sign that they’re too provincial for you, anyway. I mean, you’re a grad student in International Development, for chrissakes. What else would you have done with your 20’s but live abroad?